The Distance Between Us and Love
口述∕琇敏
Clear Skies After the Rain
Xiou-Min just updated her profile photo on Instagram. Gone are the usual artsy gold-rimmed glasses perched on her nose—this time, she’s wearing sunglasses that cover her expressive eyes and delicate features, yet they can’t hide her natural blend of gentleness and quiet strength.
Her new look reflects a heart eager for change in this season of her life.
In her IG Story, there’s an image of a vivid rainbow refracted across a sky of blue and white clouds. Beside it, she wrote:
"Since last October, I’ve gone to see it every morning. The quiet, unchanging scene actually tells a different story every day. That day, it was a rainbow smiling at me!"
Just as she wrote beneath the hashtag: “Every rainbow is a masterpiece born of meeting sunlight after the rain!” Nearly thirty years of marriage, weathered by storm after storm—had she not clung tightly to that single ray of light, believing that the Lord who once gave and blessed her marriage covenant would, in every circumstance, continue to uphold and shield her with everlasting love and send a few messengers to listen and walk with her—her life story might have come to an abrupt halt, frozen on a page too painful to revisit.
She is determined to tell this story—for herself, for the sisters and brothers walking the same road, and for the man who once wounded her deeply… yet whom she still loves to this day.
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To Say It with Him
As a child, I was straightforward and carefree, preferring to play with boys—I thought girls were too much trouble. So when I met him later on, I naturally treated him like just one of the guys. No pressure at all.
Ed is a gentle and considerate person—the long-awaited eldest son born after two older sisters. Over time, his parents had younger brothers and sisters, but among the siblings, he was the smartest, excelling academically and highly perceptive of others’ moods. Naturally mild-tempered and highly cooperative, raised under traditional and strict education, he rarely showed anger. After graduating high school, he fled to a university in another city seeking freedom and never returned home to live. In his father’s eyes, this eldest son was too soft and lacked enough responsibility.
Since childhood, he has detested his father’s harsh nature and was even more disturbed by how his father was harsh to his mother, sometimes even physically abusive. He is very sensitive to loud voices; even a slightly raised tone makes him feel like I’m scolding him, and he fears making others angry.
We met at school. When he started pursuing me, I only saw him as a good friend because I valued our friendship. Another reason was that he wasn’t really my type. It wasn’t until I was 24 and Ed officially proposed that I began to feel some affection for him, but his indecisive nature made it hard for me to make a clear decision.
Then one day, during prayer about this matter, I had a special experience that made me know he was the one God had destined for me. This experience also helped me face the first infidelity in our marriage.
Shortly after getting married, I became pregnant and suffered severe morning sickness—waking up every day feeling dizzy and vomiting nonstop. He, gentle by nature, prepared a slice of toast and vitamins for me every morning. Because I couldn’t stand the smell of cooking, he willingly ate out without complaint.
Due to childbirth and caring for the baby, I was sleep-deprived and exhausted every day beyond words. Yet he, equally tired, often held me and said, “It’s so hard! I hope we never have to be apart.”
If we ever had an argument, before leaving for work he would want me to calm down, always saying, “If something happens to me when I’m out, I don’t want you to remember us like this.”
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Twilight Deepens
The first affair happened seven years into our marriage; the other person was a married Christian woman.
When the affair was exposed, I became deeply disillusioned with our marriage, filled with grievances and unsure to whom I could pour out my tears. I remember that day vividly—I decided to return to my parents’ home, and while kneeling by the bed in prayer, I wept uncontrollably. Memories of the past played like a movie before my eyes. God showed me my own shortcomings in this marriage: I was not gentle enough, always expecting him to accommodate and conform to my principles; I had never expressed enough affirmation to him. Later, I took the initiative to apologize to my husband for my attitude and was willing to change. Although he was the one who had the affair, not me, I still apologized because God told me to do so—and I obeyed.
An hour later, I stood up filled with joy and a profound, deep love—only wanting to serve God! From that moment on, every day I came before God in worship, drawing upon His love and strength, and I witnessed a complete transformation in my life.
Through daily Bible reading and prayer, I gradually saw the issues affecting both sides of our marriage. However, because communication was ineffective, I asked him to attend counseling with a Christian counselor to help rebuild our relationship. After the first session, when the counselor pointed out his own issues, he refused to continue going.
I don’t have his temper—I’m less patient, and when I get angry, I hit the sore spots. On top of that, I tend to nag him about his mistakes, so I often blame myself.
Before our daughter was born, we agreed that after the child’s arrival, I would stay home to care for the blessing God gave us, while he went to work. However, if our expenses became too great, I would look for a job. Although being a “stay-at-home mom” was never part of my career plan, I prayed to God: “You have shown us how important it is to raise our child, so I am willing to obey and care for them full-time at home. I no longer want to work for better material conditions. But if the family needs it, please send work my way.” Over the eighteen years of raising our child, he only made a few requests. What’s remarkable is that every time I prayed, opportunities came immediately, and the timing always perfectly matched the school schedule. Though this added to my existing physical discomfort, I accepted it willingly because I knew I was working hard for this marriage and fulfilling my responsibility to our family.
For Ed’s reputation, besides his family, I didn’t tell anyone else about the affair. Over time, this caused me to develop mental health issues. His family kept implying, both openly and subtly, that if a husband cheats, it must be because the wife wasn’t good enough. I could only pour out my heart to God, and through tears, the Lord comforted and strengthened me with His words.
We once cried together, holding each other’s heads in pain and comforting one another because of his affair. On the surface, it seemed like our marriage was on the path to healing; but in reality, he couldn’t control himself, and things only got worse. Sometimes, he even recorded the sounds of himself being intimate with the other woman and listened to them—revealing that he had an even deeper problem.
Later, I found out that Ed struggles with sex addiction. His addiction began in middle school, with a habit of reading pornographic material that continued into adulthood, growing increasingly extreme. Even after the affair, explicit content would still pop up on his computer screen... Every time I confronted him about it, he acknowledged his wrongdoings, nodding repeatedly and promising not to do it again.
This extramarital affair lingered on and off for ten years, but under the woman’s insistence, he finally ended the relationship.
After the affair, he consistently took a passive-aggressive attitude—not hostile toward me, nor easily angered, just a quiet, subdued person. He never gave me that sense of intimacy and never truly regarded me as a beloved partner in his heart.
After being together so long, a couple can start to feel like just family—and prolonged indifference gradually erodes one’s inner confidence and self-worth.
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The Sugar Coating of the World
“Am I really so unworthy of love?” Facing myself in the mirror, I often ask this question.
Throughout my life, I’ve attracted attention from the opposite sex. Even now, in middle age, whether grocery shopping or taking morning walks in the park, strangers occasionally strike up conversations and ask for my phone number. Whenever these temptations arise, I have always been careful to set clear boundaries. Even at my most vulnerable moments, I remain aware of my identity and dare not cross the line lightly.
Until he came into my life.
It happened at a class reunion where we got along so well that it felt like we had met too late in life. He was exactly the kind of man I liked—intelligent, decisive, highly capable, and meticulous. Perhaps because neither of us was very satisfied with our marriages at the time, we connected deeply beyond our shared faith, discussing everything from politics and literature to music and art. Every conversation with him brought me joy; my dry emotional world suddenly felt nourished. It had been a long time since I experienced being respected and cherished like that. Our relationship lasted for six months but was eventually stopped in time by our mutual rational restraint, and we each returned to our own families.
Looking back now on this emotional affair, I feel deep shame! It’s like the serpent in the Garden of Eden speaking to Eve—not simply temptation, but a challenge to God’s command, trying to prove oneself by worldly values. Regarding the doubts I had before, I now see they were traps set by the evil one. My “affection” for him was a form of relational replacement. It was either something God never intended for me or an improper desire—something I should never have touched. Through prayer, I’ve learned that the love and fulfillment I cannot receive from my spouse can only come from the perfect God, not by crossing boundaries to develop other relationships.
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The Uncomfortable Truth
The second affair ended when he took the initiative to break it off.
“Have you fallen in love with another woman again?”
“It’s not that—I have already betrayed this marriage long ago. I want a divorce. I don’t want to live a double life anymore. I’ve supported you for decades, but I don’t want to keep sacrificing for you all. I want to live for myself now. I’ve talked to a lawyer—our state allows ‘no-fault divorce.’ As long as one party files, regardless of the reason, the divorce will go through. Whether you agree or not, the property will be split 50/50 by law. You’d better start thinking about what you want.” At that moment, his twisted, snarling face looked like a distorted plastic model—I couldn’t believe this was my beloved husband, the man I had known for most of my life.
He admitted that for more than ten years he had been visiting prostitutes outside, and now he had fallen in love with one of them.
“I never loved you. The only reason I married you was for ‘sex’!”
How could that be? All these years, I never noticed? Didn’t he seem to be getting better? Didn’t we return to church together to worship? Didn’t we testify before others about God’s work during the low points of our marriage?…
A barrage of arrows flew straight at me, each piercing my heart. Countless questions flooded my mind. Struggling to keep consciousness, I staggered back to the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed like a lifeless corpse.
What did I do wrong to deserve this treatment from him? Kneeling by the bed, I wept bitterly through the night. The Lord reminded me that He disciplines those He loves. I prayed that He would not withdraw His mercy or let Ed lose his salvation. Because what Ed was trying to destroy was not only our earthly marriage covenant but also his covenant with our Heavenly Father. At my desk, I wrote him a letter, apologizing once again for my own shortcomings and for not understanding his needs.
“Please give me one more chance—let’s work together to make this marriage better, okay?”
The next morning, he read the letter left on the dining table, then came over and held me tightly, his eyes filled with guilt, remorse, and regret.
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The Long, Endless Night
I learned that the root cause of sex addiction often traces back to early childhood experiences with primary caregivers. Unhealed wounds from growing up can lead to emotional numbness, repression, and a fear of pain; psychologically, this can manifest as a need for control, arrogance, pride, yet also self-deprecation. Such individuals use sex as a means of control. Since sexual climax brings satisfaction and pleasure, they rely on sex to cope with hurts in intimate relationships or to handle stress and anxiety in life. “To avoid the pain brought by real relationships, they create illusions and live in false intimacy, recklessly demanding love and acceptance regardless of the consequences.” This results in alienation from genuine intimacy. So, even though I never refused his sexual advances, after the affair he became very cold. At the time, I thought it was due to work fatigue.
Sex addiction is just the outward behavior reflecting his deeper inner struggles. He knows he keeps making the same mistakes but can’t control himself. He’s also aware that he’s hurt everyone in the family. I’ve seen his efforts firsthand, but I’ve also seen how powerless he feels—unable to overcome it.
He would send dozens of messages to her every day, constantly sighing, pounding his fists against the wall, and appearing absent-minded. Minor car accidents happened repeatedly. Almost every hour in the middle of the night, he would wake up. Sleepless, I would see his phone light up and know exactly what was going on.
At first, I also tried to trust him and gave him chances to change.
The first time I urged him, he said, “Give me some time.” The second time, he still said, “Give me time.” The third time, he replied, “I NEED TIME.”
I was speechless.
Days went by in a cycle of shock, disappointment, and hope. One day, I broke down completely, sobbing uncontrollably from midnight until the next day—24 hours straight—drowning in my tears.
He came over and, for the first time in our marriage, said to me, “I was wrong.” I replied, “I don’t want to live; this is too painful.”
He invited sisters from church to come and keep me company.
He truly made an effort. Just like before, he confided in me as a friend. Regarding this latest affair, he begged us to pray to God—if the woman initiated the breakup, he would come home. My children and I prayed earnestly, and in less than seven days, he returned. After more than 20 years, he finally agreed once again to see a Christian family counselor together.
After hearing the whole story, the counselor diagnosed that the core issue in our marriage was his sex addiction, which needed to be addressed first.
The counselor also acknowledged my desire to improve my blind spots through professional help and told me: "In a marriage, both partners have areas to change and adjust. But when a husband faces problems in the relationship and instead of seeking the right solutions, turns to pornography, extramarital affairs, or even falls in love with a prostitute and wants a divorce, that is absolutely not your fault."
I couldn’t believe it and asked again. Because from the past until now, from my in-laws to church members, everyone thought that someone so “good” having an affair must have been caused by my shortcomings.
But at the third counseling session, he made an excuse and canceled again. His addiction was so severe that when the woman played hard to get, he became increasingly unable to resist. It was like a drug addict in recovery who, thinking the drugs were gone, suddenly spots them again—and naturally, like a moth to a flame, dives right back in.
I know that although he temporarily returned home, his heart remained elsewhere. Due to long-standing habits, he still relied on sex to cope with the chaos he caused. He told me that the woman said to him, “This is the last time I’ll forgive you. If you don’t seize this chance, there won’t be another.” So while I was cooking, he would secretly lock himself in a room to talk to her on the phone. After we finished eating, he’d go back to the room or use the excuse of going outside to hide in the car and chat with her. I tried tracking him down and sometimes lost control and got angry. Eventually, he even used a loudspeaker in the living room so I could hear their conversations. I couldn’t take it anymore! I had no choice but to flee in tears, wandering confused on the streets for several hours.
Every time he came home, he would gently come over to hold me and ask if I wanted to pray together before we each went to sleep. I couldn’t fall asleep, only crying continuously. Meanwhile, he would get up in the middle of the night to call and text her. Not long after, he couldn’t bear it anymore, left a note, and disappeared without telling me.
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The Failed Comforter
I knew he had already promised that woman he would get a divorce but lacked the courage to tell me. Later, he officially filed for divorce. Throughout the process, they both pressured me in different ways—the woman sent humiliating texts, and he urged me with harsh words and a fierce demeanor, even calling to curse at me. Afterwards, he would smirk and say it was all just to show that woman.
In front of others, he made people think I was the one in charge at home. But inside the house, he insisted on controlling the finances and wouldn’t let me get involved. Whenever there was conflict, he always said it was my fault, that the problems were all on me, so I kept blaming myself and trying to improve. After he filed for divorce, he continued to portray himself as the victim to his family and friends, criticizing me. He showed a “giver” persona, relying on others’ approval to gain his sense of achievement and self-worth. His image was so polished that it often made me appear unjustly wronged.
Only a few sisters in the church truly knew the state of our marriage. I needed several of them to pray for us and, to preserve his dignity for the chance of his return, I earnestly asked them to keep everything confidential. Yet, inevitably, someone arrogantly spread the news. Several pastors and ministers we knew said the person involved must reach out to them first, so no one approached Ed. During this time, I had to face divorce, accept the reality of my husband’s infidelity and visits to prostitutes, and his sex addiction lasting over forty years. At the same time, I endured others harshly condemning him as a scoundrel and angrily demanding I handle the woman their way, or offering skeptical or “caring” looks, urging me to save my marriage. The vast majority unknowingly played the role of Job’s three friends from the Bible.
"For over ten years, he's been seeing other women outside—how is it possible that you didn’t know anything about it?"
"Is it because you didn’t work outside the home, and the financial pressure made him feel you were useless?"
"How can you still have mental issues when you’re seeking God? I don’t want to hear about his sex addiction. The real point is whether you have sincerely prayed for the Holy Spirit’s guidance to help you recognize your own problems."
Every time I struggle to break the surface and finally breathe, each so-called “concern” pushes me back under, suffocating me.
We signed the divorce agreement and are just waiting for the judge’s hearing.
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Holding on to a Ray of Sunshine
Divorce can cause deep hurt to a child, and even when the child is already an adult, it’s still not easy. We both know forgiveness is necessary, but each of us needs time and space to heal.
Before all of this happened, he was seen as a good father in our child’s eyes. From the start of the incident, he kept telling our daughter, “I still love you,” and “I’m divorcing your mother, not you.” Our daughter replied, “You’re still doing things that hurt Mom and this family, and you’re the one asking for a divorce—how is that a loving thing to do for me?”
"My daughter developed depression during this process, which also affected the closeness of our relationship. I asked God for wisdom to understand her mental state and to know that I must change the way I interact with my adult child."
One day, when she painfully told me, “Mom! You can cut ties with him because of the divorce, but I have his blood running through my veins. When I talk to my friends about my dad, how am I supposed to say it? Am I the child of a man who visited prostitutes and has a sex addiction? He’s never admitted it, and he refuses to heal. Just thinking that I’ll never escape this fact makes it unbearable for me.”
"I prayed as I answered her, 'Child, your father thinks that the methods of the world can sever what God has ordained, but in my heart, your father is the one God has destined for me. I pray every day for him to turn back to God. Though your father and I are your earthly parents, you are created by Jehovah God! God is your Abba Father! You are a child of the Heavenly Father! The blood of Jesus Christ flows through your life! You have the power to overcome evil and circumstances!'"
"I saw with my own eyes how my child's painful expression gradually softened, and her eyes once again shone with light. Her strong faith and experience confirmed that what I said was true. Our relationship gradually healed, and she was willing to pray with me for her father. Together, mother and daughter faced this difficult life lesson."
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A New Chapter of Life
Love requires strength. Sometimes, our own strength isn’t enough—we must rely on a transcendent power to overcome the helplessness and suffering of real life.
Though her ex-husband has stepped away from the marriage, he is still the father of Hsiu-Min’s child. And in the Lord, he remains her brother—a life redeemed by the priceless blood of Christ. Even though her love was never enough for him, God’s perfect love is able to fill every lack and embrace every shortcoming. At the same time, He bears our weaknesses, carries our sorrows, and heals our wounds.
A new chapter of life has begun, and the road ahead won’t necessarily be easy. But just as Hsiu-Min’s favorite song, “There Is a Kind of Joy”, describes: even when every reason for happiness disappears, when the peace she longs for seems unreachable, and the world’s lies constantly shift—if she fixes her eyes on the Father who holds eternity, then the deep peace and joy hidden in Christ will follow her closely from beginning to end, never leaving her side.