Teach to Fish, Not Give Fish — Parents' Financial Responsibility to Their Children
A client came to the office with a smile on their face that couldn't hide the resilience and worry beneath. Having suffered three strokes due to work stress and life's burdens, they still insisted on continuing to work. Their biggest concern was that if something happened to them, their 32-year-old son would be incapable of managing the assets.
When her husband passed away, their only son was just 11 years old. To compensate for the absence of a father's love, the mother devoted all her love and energy to her son, caring for him to the best of her ability. However, the son didn't graduate from college and lives in the property his mother purchased for him. He originally promised to pay the property fees and taxes himself but stopped after fulfilling this for two months, forcing his mother to continue paying. His mother paid the down payment for a car, but after a few months the son was unable to make the car payments and the car was repossessed. He secretly applied for credit cards in his mother's name and didn't pay them back, which also damaged her credit record.
The son earns little but spends lavishly: fifty thousand dollars in three months. He's had several jobs, but none lasted long. Currently he simply "lies flat," depending on his mother for support. He rarely shows gratitude, and because his mother's English is limited, he misunderstands or even looks down on her. Is this story an exception? Regrettably, as an elder law and trust attorney, I've seen many similar scenarios. I can't help but lament—the wealth parents work hard to accumulate throughout their lives becomes a breeding ground for indulgence and dependency in their children's hands.
What Are Parents' Financial Responsibilities Really?
Isn't it only natural for parents to care for and provide for their children? But what are the precise financial responsibilities? Let's first discuss how the law and social norms define them.
1. Legal Responsibilities. Many countries explicitly require parents to provide basic living needs and educational responsibilities for their children before they reach the age of majority (usually 18), such as food, shelter, clothing, education, medical care, and discipline. If parents separate or divorce, the non-custodial parent must pay child support; if the divorcing couple cannot reach an agreement on support payments, the court will determine them, and the obligation typically ends at age 18.
However, in certain states like New York, such legal obligations must be maintained until the child reaches 21 years old. If an adult child has developmental disabilities and meets specific conditions (living together, primarily dependent on parents, etc.), the court may extend parents' support obligations up to age 26. If a child before age 21 gets married, joins the military, becomes financially independent, or between ages 17-21 leaves home and refuses reasonable parental discipline, they are considered "emancipated," and parents' support obligations can end early.
2. Social Expectations. Although cultures differ across countries, at least both Chinese and American cultures expect parents to invest in their children's education and teach them financial management skills to help them achieve financial independence. Parents' financial responsibilities may extend into adulthood, especially during economic difficulties or major life transitions. If children are not independent enough and are highly dependent, they may expect parents to continue supporting them, even extending to the support of grandchildren.
Beyond legal responsibilities and social expectations, many parents, out of love or guilt, are willing to bear their children's financial burdens, especially in single-parent families or situations where a spouse has been lost, making it easier to go to the extreme of "overcompensation." Excessive financial support without accompanying education about responsibility does not help children grow, but instead cultivates dependence, laziness, and wastefulness. Well-intentioned actions lacking wisdom may drag children down for their entire lives.
Among my clients, there are children who are married with children but still don't go out to work, telling their parents: "Won't all the money you earn be left to me anyway? The grandchildren are yours, you also have the obligation to support them." This concept of parents bearing permanent financial and moral responsibility while the children simply "lie flat" stifles their independence and makes it even easier for parents to fall into endless financial burdens.
What is Wise Discipline?
Children of God must not only obey worldly laws but also faithfully keep God's commission. The Bible affirms that parents should provide life security for their children and prepare for their future; it emphasizes the sacred role of parents as spiritual leaders and stewards of the family, to be examples of holistic care, focusing on spiritual growth and character formation.
1. Financial Support. 1 Timothy 5:8 directly elevates caring for family members to the level of faith: "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (NIV) This reminds believers: neglecting family responsibilities is a spiritual failing. Christian parents' care and provision includes not only earning money to supply living needs, but also using love and wisdom to be their children's emotional support and spiritual guide.
2 Corinthians 12 mentions: "Children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children." This shows that parents should make financial preparations for their children's lives and future, which is a spiritual and moral responsibility. Proverbs 13 says "A good person leaves an inheritance for their children's children, but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous," which also encourages parents to leave for the next generation an inheritance including both material and spiritual legacy.
2. Wise Discipline and Guidance. The Bible emphasizes parents' responsibility for discipline and guidance. Proverbs 22:6 teaches: "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." The "way" here refers not only to knowledge learning and skills training, but more importantly to correct values, using resources with the heart of a kingdom steward, and sharing with a grateful attitude. This is not only financial education, but also spiritual education—money is not the only goal in life; wealth should serve the family, others, and God's glory.
Proverbs 29 mentions: "The rod and reproof give wisdom"; "Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart." Here "the rod" symbolizes necessary consequences and discipline, while "reproof" is rationally pointing out right and wrong. Parents must set boundaries and also explain reasons in order to help children grow in wisdom in both life and finances; merely permitting everything will only bring pain and shame.
True love is not indulgence, but timely discipline and correction, enabling children to understand the consequences of their actions. Early, consistent guidance can help children develop self-discipline and responsible character, which includes the proper use of money and various resources. Financial help is only a supplementary means; the real gift is the inheritance of wisdom, faith, and virtue.
Ephesians 6:4 says "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger," reminding parents to avoid being overly harsh, emotional, or unfair in discipline, so as not to stir up resentment and rebellion in their children. It also says "but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." "Bring up" in the original language includes providing for, nourishing, and caring for, emphasizing that parents should cultivate their children's spiritual lives. "Discipline and instruction" refers to teaching right and wrong using God's Word and establishing appropriate discipline, leading children to grow in faith and character.
How to Develop Truth-Based Values?
The Bible encourages parents to prepare for the family's future and descendants. Specific implementation can be legacy planning (Preparation and Legacy); building up resources when capable to prepare for needs such as education, illness, and elderly care; and through tools like wills and trusts, ensuring wealth is passed on to the next generation in the right way. Truth-based values give parents a blueprint for financial education; parents are wealth managers for their children's growth and also shapers of values.
No matter how successful you and I are, wealth comes from God and belongs to God; wealth is not absolute private property, but resources entrusted by God. The responsibility of God's children is to manage, use, and pass on according to His will, not to blindly consume or waste. This is managing and using resources with a stewardship mindset. God distributes different gifts and resources to people, expecting us to faithfully use them well, actively fulfill our duties, and give account to the Lord in the future. Only those who manage faithfully and work hard to increase spiritual and practical resources can share joy with the Master. Those who do not use the entrustment well and are passive and lazy will lose the original blessings and rewards.
Since we are merely faithful managers making good use of the wealth entrusted to us, we should help children understand that "the love of money is the root of all evil." Money is a tool to make life better and achieve certain purposes, not the ultimate goal in life. We must never lose integrity in the pursuit of tangible wealth.
Parents should convey the belief of kingdom stewardship in daily life: not only spending money on themselves, but also giving generously, as it is said "it is more blessed to give than to receive"; using money well to become a medium for doing justice and showing mercy.
Additionally, teach children moderation and contentment; to cherish what they have, control desires, resist comparison and excessive consumption, and learn to be content and grateful with limited resources. Also encourage children to develop habits of saving and planned spending, rather than becoming "paycheck-to-paycheck spenders" who spend as much as they earn, becoming the fool described in Proverbs who "squanders whatever comes their way."
How to Teach Fishing?
American oil tycoon John Rockefeller (1839-1937) accumulated wealth that, to this day (2025), allows more than 200 descendants to still enjoy assets worth over $10 billion. The elder Rockefeller strictly controlled his children's spending, not allowing them to spend freely just because the family was wealthy, emphasizing that having disposable money does not mean using it without restraint.
It is said that the second-generation John D. Rockefeller Jr. gave his children 25 cents in allowance per week, of which a portion had to be donated, a portion saved, and the remainder could be freely spent. He emphasized that each generation must first work hard to earn money, then save a portion, and then share a portion. If children wanted more money, they had to earn it themselves through labor, such as helping with household work or taking odd jobs. This taught children that money is not readily available but requires the cost of effort.
The family emphasized "being responsible for every penny." Children had to learn to keep accounts, reconcile them, and clearly account for every income and expense. Children were further educated to regularly give 10% for charitable donations. This cultivated their character of sharing and caring, shaping the value that wealth should serve others and give back to society. According to fourth-generation Alida Rockefeller Messinger's recollection, she was educated from age five about the importance of charity: "The greatest fear was that we... would take wealth for granted." These are the so-called "Rockefeller Rules."Note
Today, the Rockefeller family still views wealth as a resource for maintaining public welfare and bearing responsibility, using money to benefit others. These principles, which align with biblical values, combined with the use of tools such as family trusts, have become the key to the stable transmission of Rockefeller family wealth, breaking the curse that wealth doesn't last past three generations.
Warren Buffett, one of America's wealthiest individuals, also encourages his children to work part-time and start businesses from a young age to experience the value of labor and how hard-earned money is. Despite possessing billions in wealth, he still lives in the house he purchased decades ago, drives an ordinary car, and does not pursue luxury consumption. Buffett uses his own simple lifestyle to tell his descendants: wealth is not capital for showing off, but a tool and opportunity that requires wisdom and long-term vision when used. He plans to donate the vast majority of his assets, letting his children see with their own eyes: the highest use of wealth is to benefit others, not to satisfy personal desires.
Most Chinese families place great emphasis on developing their children's intelligence, having them learn various skills and talents, and providing the best material security within their means. Only a few families focus on their children's financial literacy education. My good friend Sarah is one of these few parents.
She required her two sons from a young age to earn money through labor. Besides providing their basic living needs, the children's allowance and even money to buy toys had to come from their own labor earnings. Helping mom wash dishes earned one dollar per time; taking out the garbage earned fifty cents; mowing the lawn with dad earned two dollars. When they reached high school, the children started working at restaurants; after getting their driver's licenses, they became delivery drivers. Even when they attended prestigious universities, their mother who was an accountant and their father who was a doctor did not directly help them pay tuition, making the children earn money themselves plus take out loans to complete their education. After so many years of training, one can imagine that both children have become skilled fishermen navigating with ease in the ocean of the workplace.
The Rockefeller family, through establishing irrevocable trusts and setting up a family office responsible for private financial management advisory, manages wealth in stages and across generations, preventing waste from lump-sum distributions and ensuring intergenerational transfer and asset security.
The Rockefeller family is also a model of investing in education and public welfare, including in the fields of medicine, education, environment, public welfare, and modern green development in China. As early as 1917, the Rockefeller Foundation funded the construction of Peking Union Medical College and Hospital, and PUMC became the cornerstone of modern medical education in China, training a large number of medical elites over the years.
Additionally, institutions of higher learning such as Tsinghua University, Nanjing University, Yenching University, Wuhan University, and Zhejiang University were all beneficiaries of the Rockefeller family's charitable donations. These donations greatly promoted China's health, science, social, and green development, and are widely regarded as one of the founders and promoters of modern Chinese medicine and public welfare undertakings.
Passing On Wealth and Values with the Right Tools
Is a trust just a tool for the wealthy? In fact, trusts are the best wealth transfer tool for ordinary families to effectively pass on wealth and "teach them to fish." More and more parents are passing on their hard-earned wealth to future generations through trusts.
A married couple who were clients planning their trust told me solemnly: "We don't want our children to 'lie flat' on the wealth we leave them. What we're leaving our children is not just money, but a set of values for living." They set up trusts for each of their children but established clear distribution conditions: they must attend university and complete their studies; work for at least five years, among other conditions, and regularly report their status to the trust administrator.
Visionary parents choose to distribute trusts in stages, set up incentive clauses, arrange education trusts and other methods, rather than paying out the entire inheritance at once. There are even parents whose assets are not particularly substantial who establish charitable trusts, allowing their children to participate in managing public welfare projects, thereby passing on faith and a sense of responsibility.
Abraham's faith inheritance to Isaac, Moses' mother's early education of Moses, and Paul's spiritual teaching to Timothy are all "invisible wealth." As parents who are believers, we should not only focus on the numbers we leave in our children's accounts, but also focus on whether they have correct values.
The biblical view of money, wealth magnates, and my friend Sarah's family education philosophy are highly aligned—parents should not only "give fish," but also "teach fishing"; the fish caught can feed oneself and also be shared with others. Wealth is a resource entrusted by God; the ultimate goal is to glorify Him and benefit people, not to indulge laziness or satisfy greed. Through a stewardship mindset, generous example, disciplined living, continuous teaching, and wise inheritance, parents can help children establish correct values and attitudes toward using resources, enabling them to be independent and mature both materially and spiritually, becoming a blessing to others.
The mother mentioned in the introduction is deciding to set up a restricted trust to ensure meaningful use of her wealth during her lifetime, and after her passing, entrust the assets to a third-party trust administrator. The beneficiary is her son, but withdrawals must be used for education, medical care, home down payment, etc., and require providing corresponding documents and planning reports. To encourage her 32-year-old son, she specifically set up rewards for completing his education. She said: "I love him, but I can't keep covering for him. I need to be responsible for him and also for myself."
Parents' love is selfless, but not without boundaries. Truly wise love is willing to let children learn responsibility, face failure, experience life's hardships, and thereby achieve and enjoy their own accomplishments.
Biblical wisdom and worldly practice coincide: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. May parents not only be their children's wallets, but also become their lifelong mentors and examples. This is the most far-reaching financial responsibility and blessing.
Note:See "Rockefeller Rules" at https://www.concentus.com/the-rockefeller-rules/。
Ran Yanfei is a practicing attorney in New York, United States, and founding partner of Alred Law Firm. She is a former board member of *Herald* magazine and served for many years as legal advisor to Herald Crusades. Specializing in trusts and estate planning, elder law, and immigration law, she actively participates in community ministry and public welfare affairs, and is committed to helping families establish wise and sound legal and financial protection based on biblical values.