Coming Alongside a Sad Friend
The book of Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything; a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to mourn, and a time to rejoice. At this time, God in His Grief Companion Ministry is using my experience to accompany grieving friends on this journey.
Support the sad person with companionship
On the east coast of the United States, through the cross-church cooperation of the Gaicheng Chinese Evangelistic Association, the Care Ministry of the Maryland Chinese Bible Church, and the Fu Qiang Presbyterian Church in Taiwan, we support Christians and non-Christians to go through grief and restore joy. Currently, the Chinese grief companionship ministry that I participate in is conducted online. In the two quarters that started in March 2022, co-workers encouraged each other to take on the mission, and have served students from 14 states. In addition to caring for and accompanying grieving people who have lost loved ones, we also provide various other supports and are open to register for courses at any time.
The course textbook describes grief as a strong and confusing feeling, like a tangled ball of wool with no clue: loneliness, helplessness, sadness, fear, worry, pain, anger, disappointment, etc., all of which suddenly come to mind. People experiencing grief may even think they are mentally disturbed. My own experience of losing my spouse and mother happened many years ago, but the feeling of empathy still stirs up the pain in my heart that has not receded when I accompany people who have gone through the same experience.
Pain will not last forever; "When you turn around, summer has become a story; when you look back, autumn has become a landscape." The peace, strength and perseverance shown by the companions will become the best encouragement and support for the group members. We are living witnesses that we can overcome grief and return to normalcy.
No one can fully prepare for grief, but if you have someone with you, you won’t feel alone and will be open to receiving comfort from God. Long-term and regular gatherings, especially when accompanying the grieving, require a lot of attention and emotion. Sometimes, co-workers will indeed feel physically and mentally exhausted, but we must still remember that this is a call from God, and He will definitely accompany us along the way. . Best of all, when we spend time with others, we find ourselves blessed by God!
Comfort others with God’s comfort
In the process of comforting and accompanying the grieving person, the most important things to do are: listen, accompany, care, and act.The chaperone should create an atmosphere of warmth, care, and trust during the gathering; encourage group members to share their experiences of watching the video and talk about their current living conditions; on the one hand, they should also control the rhythm of the group.
The 13-week course covers different aspects of walking through grief, from "Is this normal?" to "What should I live for now?" Each class begins with 45 minutes of insights from Christian experts and individual stories of experiencing the death of a loved one, followed by 60 minutes of group sharing and discussion.
Each group member has a "Grief Companion Handbook". When watching the video, they can take notes according to the outline listed in the handbook. Each lesson also has five-day exercises and Bible verses to inspire thinking and application in life during the study. middle. The group leader will use questions to guide group members to talk about their experiences in dealing with grief, or ask them to raise personal issues and needs so that everyone can share their opinions and provide help. One team member said, "Although I was sad, sad, and in tears during this period, I was particularly comforted by being able to express my sadness in the company of fellow travelers who were in similar situations and moods, and cheering each other up."
During the discussion and sharing, the companion should lead in the direction guided by God, build mutual trust among the group members, and try to avoid anything that will hurt the group members, so that they can actually feel God's love and healing. The chaperone should create an environment that allows group members to tell their stories and feelings about the video materials. When you encounter someone who is crying and whose emotions have not yet been calmed down, allow a moment of silence to help the group members clarify their chaotic thoughts.
Over the past two years, I have witnessed the fear, anxiety, grief, and tears of grieving friends. Especially during the pandemic, fear and anxiety add to grief and tears. The sudden death of their spouse made them confused, doubtful, and even angry about their faith; they felt that God had abandoned them and their spouse had abandoned them! At first, all I saw was him or her on the screen, wiping away the flowing tears. In the most desperate and broken moments, I don’t know how to comfort or pray for them at all. All they can do is accompany them to cry to God. Although we were completely silent and could not utter a single word, God heard our cries, as Romans 8:26 says:“The Spirit helps us in our weakness; we do not know how to pray, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings unutterable.”
In the midst of bitter tears, God allows us to deeply experience His sweet love, grace, and faithfulness. I still remember that when I lost my husband, many angel-like brothers and sisters in the church, as well as relatives and friends, were like clouds surrounding me and my then 16-year-old son. Through everyone’s prayers and loving support, we, mother and son, were able to stand up. We were comforted in our sorrow, and deeply realized God’s promise that He is the Father of orphans and the Lord of widows!Life is so fragile and unpredictable, but God is faithful and full of grace and mercy. I have personally experienced the presence of God and realized the power of being strong in the Lord.
2 Corinthians 1:4 says:“He comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort God gives us.”Writer Eileen Chang also said: "I understand because of my experience." I also cherish it because I understand it. I can convey this experience to my sad friends to help them trust God more in their sufferings and pray to God more urgently. Seeing that they have been helped to gradually get out of the valley of tears, they are also willing to become co-workers and participate in accompanying other people who are sad. It turns out that love is dedication and perfection. No matter what the situation in life is, it will not disappear, but will become more profound!
A team member once shared: "In the past two years, I have relied on God's grace to go through the storm. Unknowingly, I no longer blame others or ask why, but pray more to get closer to God. Although I still don't understand what God has given me. No matter what your life plan is, I believe that plan must be the best."
Her words reminded me of a passage I read:"There are rests in the music score. When the rest is played, the music will stop. There are also rests in a person's life, but don't think that when you stop, your life will come to an end. In fact, the music will start again after the rest."The Lord Jesus said that in Him there is peace because He has overcome the world. Grief will never stop, there will always be times when you are sad and lonely, but relying on the Lord’s love and mercy, you will have more peace and joy from God in your heart. In life, every stop has its own scenery, and each step has its own taste; may we cherish every moment of beauty and make every stop wonderful.
The warmth continues
Before the death of his husband, another team member was physically and mentally exhausted from taking care of patients for a long time. Later, under the extreme pressure of being widowed, he became mentally and physically exhausted and developed symptoms of non-stop coughing and asthma. In the course, we learned that the most important thing to do during grief is to take care of your own health with DEER:
D:Drink, replenish water at any time;
E：Eat, nutritionally balanced food;
E：Exercise, appropriate fitness activities or walking;
R：rest, take a moderate rest, and lie down even if you can't sleep.
There is weakness before you become strong. When friends are extremely sad, they worry that they don't know whether they can survive. We remind you that if you do DEER, you can survive. Pain is like the first wave you have to endure if you want to learn to swim. Yet it doesn't stop. There is still hope for the future.
The organizer also organized physical lunch activities and hiking tours for group members. During the Autumn Thanksgiving Dinner Walk, friends who had attended the meeting met at the scene and said that they saw everyone gathering together from a distance and were full of smiles; the lakeside was calm and beautiful, and they saw the beauty of being surrounded by dense woods. Surrounded by the warmth and tranquility of God’s love, it is hard to believe that this is a thankful gathering of those who mourn!
There were also children of team members who came to take a look out of curiosity about the course. They were moved and began to devote themselves to ministry, leading children to participate in single-parent camps, winning the love of many young fans and fan mothers. The group members thus saw that the lingering warmth after the class was accompanied by sadness still inspired them to coexist with sadness and joy. Jesus said: "Blessed are those who mourn! For they will be comforted." Friends who have experienced sadness, thank you for this practical course, thank all the co-workers of this course, and give glory and praise to God!
At the end of every three-month course, a special online gathering will be held. The team leader carefully produced an album of photos of missing loved ones, paired with beautiful and touching music and words, allowing everyone to watch the names of deceased loved ones rising into the sky one by one... There is still deep sorrow in the heart, but there is also unspeakable comfort.
Although people pass away, love lasts forever. Our relationship with our loved ones will not end, but will still be connected in different ways. Through thoughts and memories, we continue to maintain that unforgettable love and treasure it in our hearts, becoming a precious chapter in our lives. Indeed, sadness will gradually lessen as time goes by, but the warm memories of the past will accompany us until we grow old. Until the day we meet again, there will be no tears, only God’s love and beauty surrounding us.
Pain and peace coexist
In addition, people who have experienced loss often feel that you cannot understand their experience, and would rather be alone than contact others. Therefore, during the recovery process, changes in interpersonal relationships also require special attention. When sad emotions arise, you can go to God and honestly express your sad feelings to Him. Or you can write a letter about grief to friends and family, clearly listing your specific needs and letting others know how to help you so that friendships affected by special emotions can be restored and maintained.
Everyone grieves in different ways; there is no certainty as to how long grief will last, and grieving a unique relationship takes time to go through. It took me two years to get out without the company of my old friends. But no matter how long the grieving lasts, you will still encounter unexpected grief. Even after many years, there will still be a moment of inexplicable pain.
The pain of losing a loved one is so intense, but it makes us re-examine our priorities in life, cherish our relationships with family and close friends, and feel the certainty of having God by our side.In fact, no one can give completely appropriate comfort, and no one can be completely comforted.But God, who never abandons us, gives us His word to comfort us. As we study God’s words more, imagine the scenes in the chapters, and meditate on His thoughts, it will help us see the depth of God’s love and mercy. Unconsciously, we also realize: pain and peace can exist at the same time!
I remember that when I was widowed, a colleague sent me a condolence card filled with memories of my late husband. She described that when he was taking me to and from get off work, he also picked up other colleagues who were on the way one by one like a transportation vehicle; she said that her late husband had given them the warmest pick-up and drop-off feeling. Every detail of the past has given me warm and happy memories when I miss my beloved!
During my grieving period, I used writing to sort out the trauma in my soul, write down my heart-wrenching memories, and then re-create another beautiful and joyful memory for myself, allowing me to see things from a different perspective.Writing down emotions and memories is a healing process that helps you accept the fact that your loved one is dead and face the reality and take the next step.
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A little reminder to accompany a sad friend
To do:
YListen: Listen to their feelings. Give them enough time and space to express their emotions.
YExpress empathy: Try to understand how they feel and express empathy. Say things like, "I understand you're upset right now," "I can understand how difficult this is for you," to show that you care about how they feel.
Y provides practical support: Ask what help is needed and provide specific support, including cooking, doing housework, accompanying someone when going out, or completing some daily tasks. Such care and attention are very meaningful to them.
YRespect privacy: Some people may prefer to be alone when they are sad, respect their privacy and personal space.
Y accompanies you to do useful activities: such as walking, watching movies, listening to music, etc. These activities can help distract and lift your mood.
Keep an eye out for important milestones. Grief may resurface at different times, such as the deceased's birthday, death anniversary, or wedding anniversary. Remembering and sending notes, cards, and flowers will bring warmth to the grieving person.
Y provides ongoing support: Even after time has passed, they may still need your support. Don't just care for the first few days or weeks, keep checking in to make them feel supported and loved.
to be avoided
❣Avoid ignoring feelings: Saying things like "Don't be sad" or "This kind of thing is not worth feeling sad" will make them feel that they are not understood.
❣Don’t compare or criticize: Avoid using comparative language to evaluate their experience, such as “Others have it worse than you.” Likewise, don't criticize their reactions or the way they express their emotions.
❣Don’t try to solve the problem: Don’t rush to give advice or try to fix the problem, and don’t force them to do anything they don’t want to do unless they explicitly need help.
❣Don’t use empty sentences: People often say “time heals everything” or “you should hold your head high and move forward.” Such language will make them feel ignored or asked to suppress their emotions.
❣Don’t force sharing: Respect the way they process their grief and don’t force them to share things they don’t want to talk about.
❣Don’t tell them what to do or how to feel.
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Move forward with renewed strength
At the moment when you get out of grief, you don't leave the person behind, but you move forward with him. Let memories and gratitude become happy experiences and no longer filled with pain. What has passed is gone, what has come can be pursued. As time goes by, sorrow will leave and a new life will begin.
After walking through the valley of sorrow, you can still start your life again when you reach the other side. Therefore, the last lesson, "What do I want to live for now?" is to allow God to touch us and heal us through the grief course, and to re-establish our relationships with God, others, and ourselves with the care and encouragement of those who walk with us. . The video says:"Don't worry too much about other people's expectations. Focus on your relationship with God. God has a timetable for us to go out."
After the train arrives at the station, it will still blow its whistle and start off; losing a loved one seems to bring life to a standstill, but no matter how much you don't want to move forward, you must resume your normal life and move forward bravely. Grief is an unpredictable process. Storing memories of loved ones can help heal the pain. There is no need to look too far into the future, and there is no need to worry about tomorrow. Take one day's difficulties one day at a time, and look forward to the next one after one stop.
▲After the train arrives at the station, it will still start its journey; after passing through sorrow, you can still start your life again.
The grief companionship course ultimately gently emphasizes that the love of Jesus Christ is the only way to heal in pain and loss; companions must set an example and thoroughly implement this understanding and concept. When accompanying a sad friend on this journey, rely on God through prayer and Bible reading, just like the author of the Psalm who was waiting for God, looking to His words and firmly believing in His promises.
Maybe you are in great pain, or maybe you have a hard time imagining that life will ever return to normal. Let us bear the burden with you and accompany you on this journey, so that you can still move forward with hope in sorrow.
For those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.
Jian Hailan, retired from public service in Taiwan and came to the United States 33 years ago. Five years later, he lost his spouse and became a single parent. He was baptized to the Lord on the same day as his 16-year-old son. During this period, I served the Lord with words and cared for single-parent families. Now I am participating in the grief companionship ministry, becoming a good friend to the sad people and accompanying them on their journey. God carries me with me on the road to heaven every day, and His love is better than life!
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