Crime and Punishment, Regret and Grace

Exclusive interview with Pastor Ji Fuzan, who has served more than 14 years in prison for the crime

Prison ministry is an area that Chinese churches rarely enter, especially in North America, where it is even more difficult to start due to language, cultural and institutional barriers. Through the channel, the reporter conducted an exclusive written interview with Pastor Ji Fuzan, who is serving a sentence in a California prison for the case.

The murder occurred in the summer of 1991. According to a co-worker who had a close relationship with Pastor Ji, when the bad news came out, their denomination was holding a spiritual retreat for pastors and deacons, and everyone was puzzled by Pastor Ji's absence for two whole days. According to this co-worker, it was a sunny afternoon, but at that moment, it seemed as if the sky was dark and the earth was dark, and everyone was stunned by the excessive shock...

Indeed, from Pastor Ji’s personal confession, one can imagine how tragic and sensational the incident was that shocked the church and caused an uproar in society. The reporter is not clear about the whole case and has no intention of making any comments. From the perspective of faith, our only position is: sin must be punished, and repentance must be rewarded with grace.

Through Pastor Ji's reflections, analysis and suggestions, I hope to take you over the prison wall and see through the torture, wandering, regret, forgiveness and redemption of the inmates. I also hope to help you capture first-hand valuable information and apply it effectively in prison ministry, so that the moment you meet God, you can hear Him say with a smile: “Well done, my good and faithful servant! "

You wrote in your recently published book "Tears of Calvary": "Without the concrete acts of love from the 'church', God's love is very abstract!" Can you talk about how the church responded to your accident? What kind of impact did your warm hand of love have on you?

Thank the Lord, after I committed a heinous sin, many members of the church still sympathized with me, forgave me, and reached out to help me. According to the lawyer, hundreds of handwritten letters signed by thousands of people were sent to the district attorney pleading for mercy. When he appeared in court for the first time, concerned brothers and sisters packed the courtroom and moved the judge. And because I was mentally insane at the time, the judge decided to release me on medical parole.

Several elders from churches in the area where I pastor, as well as pastors from the denominations to which I belong, have gone out of their way to help. A fellow pastor of mine and another pastor I had never met not only provided me with spiritual and emotional counseling from time to time, but they also mortgaged their homes to raise $500,000 to bail me out for medical treatment. This allowed me to gain a short but precious time to spend time with my family before being imprisoned for a long time, and to reconnect with them in life. These countless and unrequited loves are the hands of God, which most concretely support me through the valley of the shadow of death. Before the accident, I attempted suicide twice. Afterwards, as recorded in my daughter's diary, the shadow of death shrouded the whole family. Without these love and countless intercessions, our family would have been ruined long ago.

Therefore, these concrete acts of love from the church influenced my determination: "I hope that this redeemed life will make good use of every moment to repay the Lord's grace and the expectations of these members who love me."

Whenever I have any opportunity to serve, I am filled with gratitude, like the joy of a newborn baby. I pray to the Lord that I will not live another day in vain. As the apostle Paul said: “I give thanks to Christ Jesus our Lord, who gives me strength, because He counted me faithful and appointed me to serve Him.… But I received mercy because Jesus Christ would save me, the chief of sinners. He displayed all his longsuffering as an example to those who would later believe in Him for everlasting life.” (1 Timothy 1:12, 16)

*After being imprisoned, "mercy," "incarnation," "bitter cup," and "brothers" are no longer just theological or religious terms, but my real experience and the beginning of true service to win people.

You were once a hard-working pastor who tried his best to do the Lord's work, but you said: "The real service to win people began when I became a prisoner." And you called yourself a "chained messenger." Please talk about the difference between your ministry in prison and outside prison.

Paul once said, "I think that God has placed us apostles among the last, like prisoners condemned to death; for we have become a spectacle to the world and to angels." (1 Corinthians 4:9)

When I was in college, I joined the Sacred Music Evangelistic Group of Chung Yuan University in Taiwan. I often went to prisons to share information in an attempt to win people. In Taichung Prison, I met the classmate next to me in junior high school who was serving a severe sentence. I often used this to advise young friends in the church not to fall foul of the law, lest one mistake would lead to eternal hatred. When pastoring, caring for disadvantaged groups is often the focus of the message, but they never truly understand the pain, helplessness and struggle of sinners, and only superficially provide financial support or reason.

It was only after he became a felon that he experienced firsthand the pain of being like a prodigal son who was so hungry and thirsty that he had to eat with pigs in order to survive. The verse that moved me the most: “For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified are of the same origin. Therefore he is not ashamed to call them (sinners) brothers” (Hebrews 2 Chapter 11). As Paul was most thankful for, “onesiphorus and his family were not ashamed of his chains” (see 2 Timothy 1:16). The scripture I shared most often while in prison was this: “If ‘we’ cleanse ourselves from what is base, we will be vessels of noble honor, holy and useful to the Lord, prepared for every good work.” ( (2 Timothy 2:21)

My attitude in serving the prisoners is: "I am the chief sinner, not a pastor; I am a redeemed and merciful person, not a theological teacher." I once asked the cup of suffering to be taken away from me, but the Lord said: "You share the cup with me. Drink together, you are my brother” (see Mark 10:39).

Every time a prisoner confesses his sins and makes a decision to pray, we cry together with joy. This is not the joy of church growth, but the joy of redemption together. The love manifested by the Lord Jesus incarnate is that "He is willing to live among us sinners, not sins in the abstract sense, but those who have committed sins" (see John 1:14). It is not that He cannot sympathize with our weaknesses. “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

After being imprisoned, "mercy," "incarnation," "bitter cup," and "brothers" were no longer just theological or religious terms, but my real experience and the beginning of my true service to win people.

Most brothers and sisters who are willing to serve people in prison have no experience in prison. Please give reminders and suggestions to these brothers and sisters and churches who are willing to devote themselves to prison ministry.

Prison is a place where criminals gather, like cunning wolves, with untamable wildness. But they still long to be loved and cared for. Because they know that they are like abandoned garbage and are regarded as the filth of the world and the dregs of all things, most prisoners have a self-defeating mentality and do not want to struggle, have no hope, and do not believe in love.

Many prisoners who are willing to transform and survive do so because they realize that "someone cares about my transformation" and then realize that "God cares about my humble life." Help them regain their human dignity and they will heal themselves. Like the prodigal son who was abandoned to eat with pigs and returned to the status of a son; like Zacchaeus who automatically transformed after being accepted by the Lord and voluntarily paid what he owed; like Pastor Lu Daihao, the protagonist of the book "Sheath the Sword", because there is a The church sisters wrote more than 500 letters in a row, expressing concern and concern for his transformation. Only then did his wild nature gradually return to human nature, his life grow, and he took on the image of God.

Whether it is writing letters to read with someone, visiting someone in prison, leading a Bible study, or preaching a message, getting closer and showing that I care and that God cares is the right entry point. As Paul said: "To the weak I became weak, in order to win the weak. I became all things to all men, in order that I might save some." ( (1 Corinthians 9:22)

In terms of strategy, they usually accompany reading letters, send inspirational publications, care for basic material needs, and even provide resources to coordinate the "Jungle War" of those who have been born again and have begun ministry to inmates. Try to provide witnesses of the successful transformation of rehabilitated people, which is the most motivating effect. As Paul said, “I was shown mercy, so that Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience in me, the chief of sinners, as an example to those who would later believe in Him for everlasting life.” (1 Timothy 1) Section 16)

* Help the prisoner who has given up on himself to regain his human dignity, and he will heal himself.

It has been more than fourteen winters and summers since you were imprisoned. What stages of adaptation have you gone through? Please talk about the mood and transition at each stage.

When I first entered prison, I felt like I was sleepwalking. I was very unfamiliar with many prison terms. It was difficult to adapt to the environment, ecology, and rules of gang identification in the prison. He was moved to different prisons frequently, and the only thing he had with him was a pocket Bible and a dictionary. He felt like a nomad, constantly living in a floating state; enduring the reality of imprisonment, a hopeless future, and the torment of painful memories.

When I was in the detention center, I put my clothes, paper, pen, and pocket money on the bed. After I came back from the shower, they were all gone. I reported to the guard that he wanted some legal documents back. The guard grinned and said, "Did you think this was a hotel?" At the church People who grew up in a simple life, living in this filthy environment, with obscene words and obscenities, where stealing, drug use, fights and assassinations occur all the time, can truly understand the pain and great love of God becoming flesh and living in a sinful environment. Isn’t it because of my sin that He was willing to be listed among the criminals, suffering the loss of divine freedom and the loneliness of being betrayed and misunderstood? What’s more, He went to Golgotha and was crucified on the cross for me...

Participating in a Bible study group in prison, through the sharing of words, I gradually found the faith to live again and the direction in which I could serve. A friend from a gang introduced me to lead a group of prisoners from South America in Bible study. This was the beginning of my return to my feet.

Robert. A series of books on positive thinking written by Robert Schuller, as well as many examples of people coming back from suffering, allowed me to focus my eyes again on the direction set by God and turn scars into blessings. My tangled emotions were stabilized by translating Schuler's book Life Is Not Fair, But God Is Good.

Continuously writing allows me to serve in a small way; with service, there is meaning to live, and I gradually get rid of the haze and grasp of death. Paul said, "Brothers, I do not count myself as having already gained; but one thing: forgetting what is behind, and reaching forward to what is before,... But wherever we are, let us walk accordingly" (Philip. (Compare Joshua 3:13, 16). Every time I finish an article, share a passage of scripture with others, or even make a decision as a prisoner, I will cheer and give thanks that I have not lived this day in vain. “I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life I now live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ” (Galatians 2:20). I am the life He snatched from the hands of death and Satan, reborn like a baby.

God’s grace led me from fighting alone in the jungle to gradually turning to the direction of building up co-workers, just like Paul’s experience in prison. “What you heard me teach in the presence of many witnesses, entrust it to faithful men who can teach others” (2 Timothy 2:2). Find trainable fellow inmates, accompany them to share, introduce services, and assist in growth. Within two years, you can see another life that is reborn, strong, and dedicated to serving. The focus of my life has also shifted from my old friends outside prison to my new friends in prison, and I recognize that prison is my home and pastoral area. Paul said, "I have nothing to boast about in preaching the gospel, for I have no choice but to do it. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel. If I do it willingly, I will be rewarded; but if I do not do it willingly, the responsibility has been entrusted to me. " (1 Corinthians 9:16-17). The Lord Jesus also said to Peter: "…Feed My sheep. Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you girded yourself up and walked where you pleased; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, Others will gird you up and lead you where you don’t want to go” (John 21:17-18).

Your friend, Rev. Huang Bohe, dean of Tainan Theological Seminary, said: "Being able to rely on faith and maintain hope in times of trouble is a privilege given to people by the Christian faith... Real hope must come from reconciliation and forgiveness with those around you. ” Please tell us about your experience with reconciliation and forgiveness.

This is the part that I feel most indebted and regretful about. Because of the teachings of a senior spiritual pastor and the expectations of the denomination to which I belonged, and also worried that the exposure of the details of the case would harm the innocent family, I decided to entrust myself to the Lord and give up the public trial in front of the jury to defend myself. , but accept the sentence, go to jail calmly, and bear all responsibility for the crime. Thank the Lord, the victim’s family members were not harmed again, and my children were protected and grown up by the Lord in the midst of difficulties.

The day after the murder occurred in the detention center, the first phone call was to the victim's family at home to beg for forgiveness and forgiveness, because they will always be my family and friends that I love and respect. On the second day after being released on bail for medical treatment, fellow pastors accompanied him to the victim’s grave to mourn and plead for forgiveness. I wrote several letters to apologize, and also asked a respected pastor to forward a letter of apology.

But how can human words make up for this cruel injury? Every day I pray for God’s comfort and ease their suffering. The hands that had baptized and confessed faith to the daughter of the deceased were also the hands stained with the blood of her father; the pastor who should have been soothing their wounds was actually the murderer of their relatives. The burns of such faith are difficult to heal. I can only continue to pray for them every day with a grateful heart, and indirectly express my heartfelt apologies to them through every writing and publication. Please ask the Lord to allow us to become His partners and vessels to glorify Him again, so that we can serve together sweetly and blessedly like before the case happened. All the good times I had in the past were completely destroyed by my uncontrollable collapse and rage.

*When doing prison ministry, the right entry point is to get closer to the inmates and show that I care and that God cares.

*The testimony of the successful transformation of rehabilitated people is the most motivating effect on the prisoners.

If a seeker friend asks: "The pastor teaches people to deal with sin, why can't he himself overcome it?" How would you answer?

According to the analysis by a court-appointed psychologist, the reason why I lost control was that the conflict between the dual roles of pastor and husband led to my mental breakdown. The angry husband and the pastor who wanted to forgive me constantly caused me to have a split personality. Before the incident, I sought the help of psychological experts, including the counseling of many pastors and experts from my mother church, and sought various solutions. I also tried to approach it from the perspective of faith, praying with the client to confess their sins, and beg the Lord for mercy and forgiveness. Unexpectedly, in a moment of anger, it created irreparable regrets and caused great harm. Not only does it disgrace the victim’s family and the church, but it also brings shame to the Lord’s name.

The pastor is an ordinary person with human weaknesses and limits. I wanted to be like God and forgive constantly, but I forgot that I was just a human being, a husband with hidden wrath inside of me. Just like my friend is a co-worker with a gentle temperament, strong faith, many gifts, and full of love, but he also has indescribable weaknesses in human nature. In many unfortunate coincidences, we are not vigilant enough and fall into Satan's trap, falling into temptation and unable to extricate ourselves. This tragic ending gradually develops.

I have thought hard for a long time, why did this tragedy happen to the victim, my wife, and me, three people who were determined to love the Lord? I can only agree more with what Paul said: "Therefore I do not do the good that I want, but the evil that I do not want to do, I do... The mind set on the flesh is death; the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace. ” (Romans 7:19; 8:6).

Have you received God’s forgiveness of sins and spiritual deliverance? Please talk about your experience.

The sovereignty of forgiveness of sins rests with God, not with my feelings or perceptions, but I believe in the promises He gives. He had given His disciples the authority to forgive sins, "Whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven; and whose sins you retain, they are retained" (John 20:23). And the teaching of the disciple Peter is: "Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit; for the promise is for you and your children and everyone who is Those who are far off, whom the Lord our God calls” (Acts 2:38-39). The apostle John’s teaching is, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). If God had forgiven Paul for persecuting believers to death and for his famous decision to have many saints killed (see Acts 22:4, 26:10), He will also forgive me. crime.

After the incident, I fell asleep for a while. When I woke up and sat on the sofa at the crime scene, I vaguely knew that something unfortunate had happened, and I immediately confessed my sin to God. He then ran to the street in an attempt to stop a police car, and later called 911 for assistance and surrendered. When I was told that my friend was dead, I never escaped the penalty of sin. Like Paul's confession, I confessed my sins and prayed, my tears were dry, but I could not save my friend's life. Based solely on God’s promises and the teachings of the apostles, I believe that I have already received God’s forgiveness, but I still have to bear the penalty for my transgressions. Just like when David confessed his sin, although he could not be relieved of his guilt, he was forgiven by the Lord (see 2 Samuel Chapter 12:13). I also pray and wait for forgiveness from the victims’ families, the church and society.

In law, "plead not guilty" refers to denying the guilt charged by the prosecutor. It cannot be simply translated as "not guilty" and is confused with the wording in faith. For example, Paul confessed many times that he drove the saints to death and killed them, but he did not agree with the accusations of the Jews in the court. Legally, there are five levels of homicide charges. "Pleading innocent" means not admitting to the level of crime charged by the prosecutor, not "denying murder", nor "not accepting guilt of murder" as maliciously hyped by some media. When I turned myself in, I had already admitted to the crime of murder, but not to the level of charges proposed by the prosecutor.

What did you lose when you went to prison? After so many years of introspection, growth, and precipitation...what have you regained? What's the key to getting it back?

After being imprisoned, he loses freedom of movement and senses; loses family intimacy and the opportunity to fulfill his father's responsibilities; loses the respect and trust of church friends; loses many opportunities to serve and learn; loses the image of a servant of the Lord; loses the security of life A sense of stability... And the biggest loss was the loss of good testimonies, which caused many people who knew me to have shaken beliefs and doubts.

But I have never lost my trust in the Lord, I have never lost the promises and words given by God, I have never lost the protection and teachings of the Lord, and although the opportunities and places are limited, I have never lost my determination to serve.

What I gained after being imprisoned was: the opportunity to be alone with the Lord and the confidence to serve; the love and care of many friends who helped me in times of need; the understanding of many friends, churches, and children; the opportunity to win people by participating in prison ministry; and participating in literature ministry time to work; time to learn a musical instrument to praise God; time to learn to live a simple life.

The key to gain is: forget what I can't do and focus on making the best use of what I can. I no longer cherish the past or worry about the future. I just ask today whether I have made good use of my time, done the right things, whether I have a positive attitude, whether I have made a contribution, and whether I have wasted God's salvation and the grace that allows me to live again.

By making the same mistake, my friend has lost the opportunity to serve and his precious life. At least I am still alive and able to serve a little. I hope that one day this tragic incident that dishonors the Lord’s name will be transformed into a testimony that can glorify God again and testify that God is the victorious Lord, not the God who is shamed. I seem to feel that this is also my friend’s wish, because I know that he is also a co-worker who magnifies the Lord. I feel that now I am shouldering the responsibilities and due service of two people, and I dare not be lazy in the slightest. This belief has allowed me to survive to this day and keep running towards the goal.

*Being imprisoned is a kind of loss. For the preacher who committed the crime, the biggest one is the loss of good testimony, which caused many people who knew me to have their faith shaken and doubted.

Please talk about the most unforgettable scene, character, incident, or sentence in prison.

The most unforgettable scene in prison is the expression of salvation and rebirth on the face of an inmate covered in tattoos (usually gang symbols, skulls, naked women, obscenities) when he stands up from the baptismal font. As Jesus said in the parable of the lost sheep, "Similarly, I tell you, there is greater joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who do not need to repent!" (Luke's Gospel) 15:7, Modern Chinese translation). I can almost hear the angels cheering in victory with us.

The most unforgettable character is my old and gray father who has never traveled far. He came from Taiwan to the Los Angeles Detention Center to visit his son, a preacher of whom he was once proud. He did not criticize his daughter-in-law who had made mistakes. He only used God’s words to encourage him and never forgot that he was a life that had been redeemed at a high price and an ordained servant. He should make good use of his time and gifts while in prison. . This was also our last chance to see each other. My father and mother passed away in May 2004.

The most unforgettable sentence is the short sentence my mother gave me on the phone: "This is your destiny, don't complain, just do what you should do!" This sentence made me reject any thoughts of looking back and escape from the pain. Reminisce and just focus on “What else can I do to glorify God?”

The most unforgettable thing was being told on the phone that my daughter was attending UC Berkeley. After I was imprisoned, some people spread rumors that I was being punished by God and that my children were degenerated and joined gangs. In fact, they have always been under God's protection and favor. They have not neglected their studies and have also participated in service and been nurtured. It proves that God has never abandoned me, a sinner who made a big mistake, and His beloved servant.

*There is only one father of the children and one husband of the wife, and they cannot be replaced; and in the church service, even the pastor can be rotated. Home and family are the most basic prototype churches and members. If church leaders cannot be faithful and competent in taking care of the small things of their own families, how can they be entrusted with the big things of taking care of God’s family?

Looking back on the past, if you could live your life over again, what would you be particularly careful about in terms of family and service? What would you do differently?

In terms of family and service, I told God with firm conviction: "I take care of your family, and you take care of my family." Therefore, I was obsessed with church service and ignored the feelings and needs of my family. My wife often complains that I should not be a pastor, but a priest who has no family concerns and can concentrate on serving.

The harder I serve, the farther away my family becomes. While I was focusing on the spiritual growth of my church and planning to build the church, my family was being torn apart. I had a hard time understanding this logic and ending.

During the time when the incident occurred, both my husband and I were engaged in heavy service. I pastor two churches at the same time, teach at least two courses in the seminary every semester, and participate in the ministry of the general conference of my denomination. I am almost mechanically busy. My wife is also the president of the Women's Association, a youth group counselor, a choir member, an adult Sunday school teacher, a full-time seminary student, and a college elective student. She is also preparing for the nursing license exam. We barely had time to eat together, let alone have any time to communicate or be intimate. Such exhausting service has made our childhood sweethearts grow farther and farther apart. Unlike when I was serving in Taiwan, although we were equally busy, at least we had time to walk, communicate and pray together before going to bed. No matter how busy I was, I tried to go home and have meals together.

After the incident, I thought carefully about my previous belief in serving. I should adjust it to "take care of my family first, and then serve God's family." Because there is only one father of a child and one husband of a wife, they cannot be replaced; and in church services, even pastors can be rotated. Moreover, the Bible clearly says: “If a man does not know how to manage his own household, how can he take care of the church (house) of God?” (1 Timothy 3:5) Family and family members are the most basic prototype church and members. If you cannot be faithful and competent in small things, how can you be entrusted with big things? (Refer to Luke Chapter 16:10)

In the past, when I served in the church, I always tried my best to take care of my family, but I was often absent-minded. I thought that with God taking care of me, everything should be safe. But it turned out that that was a wrong belief, which led me to serve like a priest and to make prison my home today.

In this era of information explosion, major news events such as wars, tsunamis, hurricanes, September 11, bird flu, etc., emerge one after another. However, no matter how big an event is, after being noisy for a while, it will be forgotten in the long river of memory. The person involved is left struggling in pain and crying in regret. The same happened with Pastor Ji Fuzan back then.

The purpose of this magazine's interview with Pastor Ji is not to rehash old stories and sensationalize them, but because he plays multiple roles - an inmate, a theological mentor, and a prison ministry pastor. We hope that through his personal experience, The church and Christians can deeply understand the thoughts and needs of the people they serve, break through the framework of wishful thinking, and faithfully and effectively undertake commissions and face challenges. In the past few issues of the KRC magazine "Kingdom Community", whether it was related to catering ministry, families with special children or reports on hurricane victims, they have all been working towards this goal.

Thank you Pastor Ji for opening your bleeding heart and sharing candidly. God does not despise a contrite heart and a sad spirit. May Pastor Ji pick up the repaired sail of life in the waters of faith and set sail again in the warm sunshine of blessing.

We would like to express our sincere respect to the teachers and mothers who have reorganized themselves in the stormy sea, worked hard to support their families, raise their children, and wait for their husbands to return home.

The church and pastors who accompanied Pastor Ji through the humiliation, sorrow, and shock, pray that the Lord will remember their tolerance in love and their practical helping hand. All these efforts must be worthwhile and bear the fruits of peace and righteousness.

We grieve with you all the families who have suffered the loss of their loved ones. May you find a foothold in faith again, turn curses into blessings, and turn tears into laughter.

To the public whose hearts have been shocked, I hope this exclusive interview will help you understand: There is no sin in the world that is so great that the precious blood of Jesus Christ cannot cover it; there is no suffering in the world that is so heavy that the shoulders of Jesus Christ cannot bear it. May we see together that although there will be punishment for sin, luckily there will be grace for repentance!

Journalist profile

Yang Hanjiahua (first from left) has taught in several universities in Taiwan and the United States and is now an obstetric nurse. The translations include "Faith in Fenghuo" and "Love that Never Forsakes"; recently, she and her husband Yang Jingya (first from the right) co-translated "Fenghuo Church Sees God's Grace".