Rainbow shadow stirred by waves

Oral narration/Zhou Hong

Organized/Lin Minwen

Who would have ever expected that a letter could change a person's life?

"Dear Hong:
I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore. I have a new life now..."

The few words in the express letter sent by her husband from Asia wiped out three years of marriage. Is this a joke?

Bitterness forms solid stone

The grand wedding in the church was still vivid in my mind, and the congratulations from relatives and friends were still in my ears. We had solemnly made a covenant before God, how could he resolve it with wishful thinking? Is there something I'm not good enough at, or am I doing something wrong?

When he was newly married, he accepted an order from the company to be stationed in Asia. Although I don't want to, I can't change his decision. I thought that when the contract expired, the company would transfer him back to the United States. After all, a man should work abroad to pursue his career.

They were used to spending less time together and more time away from each other, so they didn't pay much attention to the communication between the two of them. The occasional small quarrels where they had different opinions never led to obvious conflicts.

Letter paper, as light as a feather, shatters a perfect family. I went from being the wife of the general manager that everyone envied, to being an abandoned woman in an instant. oh! "Abandoned Wife", what an unbearable term, with this scarlet word on your back, how will you live the rest of your life?

Panic surged like waves, almost overwhelming my whole body and heart. I slumped to the ground, struggling to breathe.

A soft thing touched my cheek lightly. After a quick look, my son, who was only one year old, snuggled up to me. He stroked my cheeks with his fat white hands, and his round and bright black eyes shone with wisdom. I hugged him as if I was holding a life preserver. Yes, I have to work hard to survive for the sake of my little baby.

The husband has made up his mind and there is no way he can take it back. In order to rest my body and mind, I left my child in the care of a nanny in China. I returned to the United States alone and stayed with a sister from the church. I looked forward to finding a stable job after my studies and reuniting with my children as soon as possible.

Unable to eat or sleep well, I had panic attacks several times while driving, suffering from heart palpitations and dizziness. A woman often appears in my dreams holding a dagger and stabbing me in the back.

The vitality flows away with tears, and the bleeding heart cannot beat. Fate dealt a heavy blow, knocking me down a deep well of depression. Helplessness, deception, betrayal, blame...layers accumulated into a hard stone of bitterness, blocking the sun and sealing me in the realm of the netherworld.

That day I unconsciously drove to the beach. The ocean is vast in front of me, and the mountain wall behind is rugged. Standing on the protruding rocks, let the waves splash on your clothes. The world is so vast, how come there is no place for me?

The rolling waves confront the rock. The rock will not give way, and the waves will not give up. The ebb and flow of the tide, and the erosion over the years, the stubborn rocks are eventually etched into fine sand. Could it be that God is telling me that He will also wash away the hard rocks of bitterness and turn them into fine sand?

Forgiveness is not easy

A sister regularly reads the Bible and prays with me. She once said that crying like this was of no use and begged God to restore my health, take back my child quickly, and rebuild my life. Only when a mother is healthy physically and mentally can she raise healthy children. These words gave me a goal - to reunite mother and son, and also motivated me to eat, work and rest, study, and live. I was at the bottom of my depression, unable to do anything. Once I gained motivation through prayer, before I knew it, my panic attacks became less and less frequent, my dizziness became less severe, and my body gradually became stronger. After breaking up with her husband, she took the child home about a year ago and began a life of dependence between mother and child.

My two-year-old son is very considerate. He always reminds me to close the doors and windows before going to bed at night, otherwise he will do a patrol himself. In the smooth and regular days, the husband's figure gradually faded, and occasionally the past resurfaced, and his heart became less painful. Maybe this is forgiveness.

How can life be without bumps in the road? The car breaks down, the toilet is blocked, you don’t know how to file your taxes, your child is bullied... trivial things like these cause resentment in your heart. How can I, a woman, have the energy to deal with these things? If he hadn't left in the first place, I wouldn't have had to ask for help for everything, and my children would have had their father as their support. The forgiveness that had been brewing for a moment was suddenly wiped out.

Friends in the church prayed for me to forgive me, and after a while someone sent me a book on forgiveness, a note on forgiveness, and several DVDs of lectures on forgiveness. But what is forgiveness? Is it the spiritual state achieved through chain cultivation, or the knowledge and skills gained through learning? Or is it an escape achieved by deliberately forgetting?

Blessings and cleansing the soul

One night, I picked up a forgiveness testimony from someone I don’t know. The author writes that when we forgive we also bless those who have hurt us. These few words pierced my heart like thorns, which made me feel incredible, and I threw the paper aside in despair. I thought to myself, you don’t know how much I have suffered. It’s hard for such a cold, heartless, stubborn person to even forgive, so how can he deserve blessings?

Why didn't I know that if I don't forgive for one day, I will never be able to remove the hard stone of bitterness, and I will bear the burden all my life. Tired of taking two steps forward and three steps back on the road to forgiveness, letting the past continue to harm me, now I would rather explore the abundant life promised by the Lord Jesus.

Pick up the testimony and continue reading. The author describes the blessings brought by forgiveness and God's healing and deliverance, and the body, mind and soul are renewed. At this time, the soul is crying out for the renewal that the author has experienced. I also want to bless my husband and his new family, enable them to know God, and encourage my son’s faith. What’s more, the author says that if the other person doesn’t deserve it, the blessing will come back.

In a secret way, I got down on my knees and confessed to God that I wanted to forgive and bless the other person. How much time has been spent picking up and repairing the heart broken by divorce. The moment I opened my mouth to pray, it felt like a sharp knife was cutting through a scar that was only slowly healing. Does healing and renewal have to be so painful? Does forgiveness have to pay a price?

In the past, I wrapped my wounds, but instead of eradicating the bitterness, it only festered from the inside. Now the heart bleeds again and the pus flows out. I cried and begged God to cleanse the bitterness and replace the anger with kindness until I fell asleep exhausted.

When I woke up the next day, I felt completely refreshed. I had never been able to sleep well. I always got up before dawn. It had been a long time since I had such a complete rest! Sunlight was already pouring in through the curtains. oh! Why didn't I realize that mornings could be so warm before?

I couldn't wait to call a sister and invite her to study piano, cooking, interior design with me... She asked me directly what happened, how did I become interested in studying overnight?

If I think about it carefully, I am not only interested in learning, but also interested in daily life. The back is straightened, the brows are relaxed, and the smile stays on the face for a longer time.

▲With her son walking alongside her, Zhou Hong was never alone on this path of forgiveness. With the great grace given by Father God, the fine stone of bitterness was finally ground into fine sand.

Healing and relieving pain with children

Since I prayed that day, the rock in my heart has become smaller and smaller, and even my steps have become much lighter. After I started participating in the monthly gatherings of the Northern California Dorothea Association, I heard many stories from divorced women. From each person's unique experience, I recognized the common emotional reactions. When caring about these friends, self-pity is relatively reduced.

Once I participated in a life reconstruction camp organized by "Docas". During the group counseling, we who had been severely emotionally damaged once again cried out to God for help, begging Him to dispel the miasma and poison that accumulated in our souls. The counselor said that as long as we still feel pain in our hearts, we should call out the name of the person who hurt us and identify the source of the pain. I thought I would cry all the tears in my life, but I didn't expect the tears to flow like a flood, rushing into my face, my heart, and my spirit, grinding the stone of bitterness into fine sand.

You are not alone on the journey of forgiveness, because you have your son walking with you. Growing up without his father's company, he always felt abandoned and even wanted to tear up his father's photos. I try to share this difficult process of forgiveness, admitting that I can never forgive by my own will alone, but must rely on the grace and strength given by God.

He didn’t fully understand, so I could only lead him in prayer and encourage him to express his sad and angry feelings. Only by labeling emotions can we trace their causes and then find ways to soothe them.

We learned the truth together in the church. From God’s words and the care of brothers and sisters, the faith of mother and son gradually grew.

There has been little news from my husband, and I only exchanged emails with my son after a long period of time. One day he excitedly told me, "Dad said in an email that I have a younger brother, and I'm going to be an older brother!" Siblings who have never met will find it difficult to get together in the future, but he sincerely expressed his longing for a blood connection.

My son was about to graduate from elementary school. After hesitating for a long time, I decided to invite my husband to attend the graduation ceremony, but I didn't dare to expect his arrival. A few days later, he actually accepted it. This unexpected reply was like a pebble dropped into a lake of his heart, causing ripples all over the place.

How should I look when I see him? What to say? What level of relationship is he willing to have with his son? What level of relationship can I allow?

A few days before her husband was scheduled to arrive, he called unexpectedly and asked to take his son on vacation for a week after the ceremony. The child is willing, but it is difficult for me to readily agree. In the past ten years, he has had zero involvement in raising children. Now he is openly sharing the honor of his son, and he actually wants to go out happily for the two of them?

Injustice and dissatisfaction are like wild vines, they will spread in the heart at the slightest indulgence. No! How could I let all this confusion occupy my mind? So he once again begged God for complete cleansing, and prayed that father and son could have a good time together.

Turn solid rock into fine sand

On the day of the graduation ceremony, I looked up from my seat and spotted a strong young man in the procession. I couldn't help but smile. At this time, a familiar yet unfamiliar figure appeared at the entrance. He came.

I didn't say anything, didn't even move the corners of my mouth, I just nodded slightly and pointed in the direction of my son's class. He walked forward directly, mixed in with the many parents who were squatting or standing, each holding a camera, waiting to capture the shot of their children receiving the award.

There was a lot of hustle and bustle on the lawn of the venue, but this scene settled in my heart: The mature kid on the stage who still has a childish look is a replica of the well-dressed middle-aged man in the audience, except that the size is different, and his hair is thicker. A sparse spot.

I once thought I could forget this man's name and erase the imprint he left in my life, but my son actually exists, which is proof that I once knew and fell in love with him. It is true that I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore, and I can’t deny my child the love of his father.

That night my friends and I dined out, and my son took his father back to his apartment. My husband had already left before I got home. Just as I entered the door, my son jumped down the stairs in three steps and hugged me, singing loudly: "I am so happy, I am so happy."

He hurriedly told me that his father ordered a computer for him and made an appointment to meet at the airport the next day. Then he quietly told me: "I also took out your wedding photos to show him."

He innocently yearned for a home with a father and a mother. Even if reality was contrary to his wishes, he used this action to convey the little hope in his heart.

I hugged him with pity, congratulated him on his outstanding achievements, and wished him and his father a happy holiday. Consider that a graduation ceremony not only celebrates the completion of one stage, but also symbolizes the beginning of a new one. Today, facing your husband calmly and letting go of your children to enjoy the family affection they deserve, isn’t it also a graduation ceremony for learning forgiveness?

When we arrived at the airport the next day, my son packed up his luggage and hurriedly got out of the car. When he turned around and waved to me, his steps didn’t even stop.

I smiled and waved my hand. After seeing him come in, I rolled up the window, turned on the left turn signal, changed lanes and went straight ahead.

My son is not at home, but he has free time! Take a leisurely detour back from the coastal road. I haven’t passed here for a long time, the scenery is a bit unfamiliar, the waves are still there, where are the boulders?

While I was looking distractedly, a wave of water arose high, and the water droplets flew in all directions, reflecting a rainbow in the bright sunlight.

[Expert response]

breath of grace

One of the lecturers of Peace Messenger Workshop/Liu Wanglanxin

After reading the article "The Rainbow Shadow Stirred by the Waves", I felt sorry for and admired the protagonist Zhou Hong in the article. Indeed, the road to forgiveness is a road of suffering, a road of blessing that brings pain and suffering, but also blessings and hope. On this road, we watched Zhou Hong, with blood in her heart and tears in her eyes, crawling on the rainbow road determined to bless each other.

I think of Jesus carrying the cross during the crucifixion, with wounds all over his body, and staggering step by step towards Golgotha. Isn’t this road of suffering, strung with bloodstains, also the road of forgiveness that God intends to bless mankind?

It turns out that God wants His only begotten Son to step on this painful road of forgiveness first, using blood, pain, and torture to carve out a new and new path in the indelible hatred between God and man, and between man and man. A living way out, so that those of us who have sinned against God can inherit the blessings brought by this bloody path. So that we also have the strength to follow His footsteps and open a door of blessing for another person who has sinned against us. This is called "grace"...

"Peacemaker Ministry" has a concept called "Grace Breathing". "Breathing air" is a sign of human life, and "breathing grace" is a sign of Christian life. We must first "breathe in grace" (Breathe in grace) before we can "breathe out grace" (Breathe out grace). God’s grace can save us (see Ephesians 2:8), give us new life, and make us perfect in our weaknesses (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). In other words, God’s grace can make the impossible possible when we are powerless to do so. When our lives are richly filled with God’s grace, we have the ability to breathe out the grace of forgiveness and forgive those who have hurt us.

Zhou Hong found the door of forgiveness and grace, and not only blessed her ex-husband who had hurt her, but also blessed her lovely son, and even blessed herself.

Journalist profile

Lin Minwen loves reading and listening to classical music, and most admires Miura Ayako and Beethoven. She is committed to writing and serving God.