Who is the most selfish?

Taking the correct pulse of the relationship between husband and wife

Mrs. Chen usually takes care of her two children at home, and she has been busy all day today. In the evening, while I was cooking dinner, I was telling Dabao to do his homework, and I also had to take care of the second baby who had just learned to walk and was making trouble everywhere. It was really a mess! When her husband finally came back, it was as if she had seen a savior. She hurriedly said: "Oh, you came back at the right time. Hurry up and help Dabao with his homework."

A conflict on the verge of breaking out

Mr. Chen had been working outside all day and encountered many annoying things in the office. He just wanted to go home and watch TV to relax and divert his stress and attention. Unexpectedly, as soon as I stepped into the house, before I even had a chance to drink a sip of water, I was assigned a task by my wife. So he replied impatiently: "Look at you! I just entered the house, why can't you understand the hard work I put in all day? You're half exhausted, and you don't even ask me if I'm tired. You don't know how to be considerate of me. You don't understand me." When he saw that I hadn't even had time to drink water, he immediately assigned me a task." After that, he turned on the TV, sat down on the sofa, crossed his arms, and ignored his wife's request.

▲Mr. Chen regards his desire to watch TV as a deserved right and a deserved reward after a hard day's work.

Seeing that her husband not only ignored her pleas for help, but also blamed herself for not being considerate enough, Mrs. Chen's unknown fire was immediately aroused, and she immediately counterattacked: "Oh, you are the only one who is tired, and I am not tired? I spend all day with these two children. Do you know how hard it is to take care of them? Dabao has just entered the first grade and doesn’t understand a lot of homework. Can’t you help me? I have to cook for the whole family, but you only watch TV when you come back. How considerate are you? Where are you going? I'm telling you, if you don't do it, I won't do it either. I'll see what you eat!" After saying that, he hugged Erbao and ran away, leaving behind the astonished gentleman and the innocent-looking man. precious.

▲Many people think that conflicts between husband and wife are due to communication skills; once you learn how to speak, there won’t be much of a problem. Is that really the case?

Lack of communication skills?

Conflicts like Mr. Chen and Mrs. Chen happen almost every day in different homes. The quarrels were not big things, they were just trivial matters such as firewood, rice, oil, salt, sauce, vinegar, tea. How to resolve these conflicts? Some people think that both parties need to learn some communication skills with each other. If the words are spoken well, there should be no big problems. Is this really the case?

After learning the speaking skills, Mr. Chen followed an important principle in the manual: "Don't make personal attacks when communicating, but discuss the matter and express your inner expectations." He swallowed the anger that had reached his voice and said to his wife: "My wife, Sir, I know it’s not easy for you to take care of two children all day long, but I’m very tired when I get home and just want to watch TV. Can you let me watch TV quietly for a while?”

Mrs. Chen, who also learned communication skills and knew the principles by heart, replied without blushing or breathlessness: "I know you are very tired and want to watch TV, but your child really needs help with his studies, so , please be patient for now and give your child some tutoring first, and then go watch TV!"

Mr. Chen was surprised that after he expressed his expectations and needs clearly and tenderly, his wife did not buy it and still rejected his request. So he said with a slightly unhappy tone: "Honey, I encountered a lot of disappointments at work outside today. I originally hoped to relax and rest when I got home. Isn't Dabao just in the first grade? I don't believe how urgent his schoolwork is. "

Upon hearing this, Mrs. Chen muttered to herself: "How can you be a father like this even if you refuse to sacrifice your time to watch TV?" But she still gritted her teeth, suppressed her dissatisfaction, and tried her best to follow the instructions in the communication manual. Don’t make personal attacks, just put forward your expectations and ideas in a matter-of-fact way." Continue to communicate with your husband: "You said that the child’s academic work is not urgent, but you can’t look at it like this! The child has just started school, which is to lay the foundation. We should pay great attention to it, not to mention that it won’t take much of your time to help your children with their homework! Dabao will have to take piano lessons after dinner. After returning from piano lessons, he will not have the energy to do any homework. That’s why I asked you to help Dabao do his homework ‘right now’.”

Mr. Chen saw that his wife had no intention of giving in, and his anger grew in his heart; Mrs. Chen saw that Mr. Chen still had his own way of doing things, and her tone of voice became worse and worse. After several back-and-forths and stating their opinions, the two of them simply shouted loudly: "You are so self-centered!" "You are so self-righteous!" The result was still the same: Mrs. Chen rushed out of the door with Erbao in her arms, leaving behind Below are Mr. Chen with an astonished expression and Dabao with an innocent look on his face.

wrong pulse

Many people think that conflicts between couples are due to communication skills; once you learn how to speak, there won't be much of a problem. This is a wrong diagnosis because it forgets to take into account people's natural "self-centeredness". Errors in diagnosis will inevitably lead to incorrect prescriptions. Before giving Mr. and Mrs. Chen the correct prescription to resolve their conflict, we must first have a correct understanding of "human nature."

What are the characteristics of human nature? How do these characteristics affect our interactions with people? Proverbs 21:2: "Everything a man does is right in his own eyes..." The so-called self-righteousness means that people not only tend to think that they are good and right, but also "magnify" their own personal problems with peace of mind. needs without regard for the needs of others. This tendency to exalt oneself prevents people from loving each other in interpersonal interactions and becomes a source of conflict.

Just like Mr. Chen, he "amplified" his desire to watch TV into an indispensable need, and regarded it as a right he deserved and a reward he deserved after a hard day's work. In order to satisfy his own desires and protect his own rights and interests, he fought hard and completely ignored his wife's needs. These are Mr. Chen’s “self-righteousness”.

And what about Mrs. Chen? She thinks that she has been busy all day, and her husband "should" come home to share her hard work. What's more, she is doing it to help her children with their schoolwork, not for her own enjoyment. She thinks she has every reason to ask her husband to follow her expectations. work. Although he believed that he was justified, he completely ignored Mr. Chen's requests and needs. These are Mrs. Chen's "self-righteousness".

It can be seen from this that the conflict between Mr. Chen and Mrs. Chen was caused by each other's unwillingness to "let go of their rights" and "unwilling to sacrifice their own desires." In this case, because their communication skills of "speaking well" were only motivated by "self-interest", they did not bring any results in resolving conflicts.

real way out

The only way out of this conflict situation caused by "self-centeredness" is to change their hearts; their hearts must change from "self-interest" to "self-sacrifice."

How to do it? This transition is easier said than done. The characteristic of human beings is that they are self-righteous. How can we be released from this bondage so that we can gain the "freedom" to love our spouse in marriage and family relationships? First of all, our old life, which is deeply rooted in "self-interest", needs to be willing to be replaced by a new life of "self-denial", which is the "rebirth" that Jesus talked about. Otherwise, people will only be driven by a "self-interested" life inside, and their behavior will still be unable to resolve conflicts caused by self-centeredness.

I often hear some people say: "Let's keep arguing like this, forget it! I'm sorry! If you don't tutor Dabao, I'll tutor Dabao." The apparent concession is out of helplessness and just in exchange for a short period of peace. Such forbearance does not start from sacrificing one's own life. Or it can have a temporary effect, but once the dissatisfaction in your heart has accumulated for a long time, it will explode one day. It can be seen that if the transformation does not come from self-sacrifice, it will not have long-term results.

This is exactly what was mentioned before. We need a new life of self-sacrifice to replace the old life of self-interest. This is the real way out. For a Christian, the moment we receive Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Jesus Christ, has already indwelled us, giving us a precious life of self-sacrifice. In the midst of conflict, all we need to do is practice so that this new life of self-sacrifice can be lived out. The essence of the exercise is to never forget to keep our eyes on Jesus Christ at all times, follow His example, and be willing to let the beautiful character of Jesus Christ be revealed in us.

▲Live a life of self-denial indwelled by the Holy Spirit, fix your eyes on Jesus Christ, and follow His example.

A beautiful marriage that relies on the Holy Spirit

Suppose Mr. Chen is a born-again Christian. When he returns home and hears that his wife has assigned him a task, he will indeed be very unhappy. But at this time, he must pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help him live out the self-sacrificing life he already possesses at this tired moment, and wholeheartedly follow Christ's example on earth:“The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:28)In this case, Mr. Chen may respond as follows: "Honey, actually I really want to watch TV and relax, but since you need my help with Dabao's homework, I'll tutor him first."

In contrast, Mrs. Chen was inevitably unhappy when her husband angrily accused her of not being considerate enough. But with the life of Christ in it, she remembered that self-sacrifice and service were worthy of a Christian life, so she could pray and ask the Holy Spirit to give her strength to serve her husband. She believed that the Holy Spirit would definitely give him the strength to serve willingly. Therefore, she may respond like this: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't notice that you were very tired after a long day of work. I mainly considered that the child had eaten and had piano lessons, and he was very tired when he came back. , so I want him to finish his homework before eating. I'm busy cooking now. It's okay. If you are tired, just rest first and I will help Dabao. ” Only by having a willingness to serve can conflicts caused by self-centeredness be resolved. Such self-denial does not come from helpless suppression and concession, but through obedience to the indwelling Holy Spirit. This kind of self-sacrifice is not mixed with self-interested intentions, but simply seeks the benefit of the other person. Even after self-denial, the other person still goes his own way, and he can draw a steady stream of love from the Holy Spirit and continue to serve his spouse. A new life that relies on the Holy Spirit will surely reveal the beauty of Christ in the midst of difficulties and live out the joy of faith.

Enyan Counseling Center’s mission is to train brothers and sisters to engage in biblical truth counseling. In the past two years, it has served churches and individuals in North America and Asia by holding life-specific lectures, counseling training courses and providing personal counseling. Website: www.guidingword.org (the new website is under planning and construction) Email address: office@guidingword.org.

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Enci, from Taiwan, serves at Enyan Counseling Center. In view of the serious disconnect between believers' faith and life, we are committed to assisting churches in equipping believers to engage in counseling ministry based on truth. Educate individuals and churches by providing lectures, training courses, counseling, etc.