Let go, but don't give up

Oral/Pastor Xu Zongshi

Interview/Lin Minwen

▲The scene of fishing with Kai Li encouraged Xu Zongshi not to give up hope while waiting for his son to return home. (Illustration: Su Xuefeng)

waiting father

It's twelve o'clock in the morning, and Kaili hasn't come home yet. Looking out the window at the empty night, should I wait any longer? I knew I should give him more space as he was already in high school, but I still couldn't help but worry, where is he?

He closed his eyes and meditated for a moment, praying silently in his heart: "Heavenly Father, you know where Kai Li is now. Please be with him and bring him back safely." Then he turned off the lights and went upstairs.

Kaili is the second oldest child in our family. During my last year of studying in the seminary, he became a member of the Xu family after his brother Kaiwen. A few months later, my wife Mizu and I, along with our two young children, returned to the east coast of the United States to pastor the church. In the first few years of being a pastor, I put a lot of pressure on myself and put pastoral work as the most important thing. I was very busy and didn’t pay much attention to my children’s affairs. I remember several times when my eldest brother Kaiwen woke up on Saturday night and found that the light in the study was still on. He ran in and stood at the table, looked up at me and said, "Daddy is still busy!"

His younger brother Kaili has been well-behaved since he was a child and has a good personality. He likes to make friends. In high school, he was known as the most popular boy in New Jersey. Both male and female classmates liked him. It’s just that I don’t know how to be a father. My father received a Japanese education and was cruel and strict to his children. When I became a father myself, I did the same thing, thinking that as long as I adhered to "principles" and "rules", my children would automatically be on track.

But what works for the eldest child doesn’t work so well for the second eldest child. When my brother was growing up, I did not carefully study his uniqueness and did not know much about "teaching students in accordance with their aptitude." I went fishing with him and brought a book to read. I didn’t know how to communicate or create “quality time” at all. If things go on like this, even if he loves his children in his heart, he can't feel it.

The eldest son entered adolescence, and the so-called rebellion passed in about half a year. When my younger brother was over thirteen years old, he began to contradict me and ignore me when I spoke to him. I thought it was no big deal, at most I was like my older brother and had to go through this period. Who knew that this situation not only did not end quickly, but also got worse and worse. Later, he always deliberately avoided Mijin and me. When we went downstairs, he would go upstairs; when we went upstairs, he would go downstairs. Hugging him was like hugging a piece of wood, there was no response at all. He simply stopped going to church for a while. I am the senior pastor of the church and my own son does not go to church. Does this make sense?

But, if you really want to fight with him, can you finish the fight? Is it useful to fight? After this situation lasted for several years, I realized. This is not just teenagers' rebellion, and the riotous mood will pass away. There must be a deeper reason that requires more careful attention.

apologize to son

One day, I saw a piece of paper on Kaili's desk, which looked like some information he had checked online. Upon closer inspection, I was shocked. The title was "Symptoms of Drug Abuse in Children." Looking at it one by one, I saw that some of it was exactly the behavior he showed. Only then did I realize that evil forces had invaded Kaili's spirit. At that time, there was an evil light in his eyes, and the comics he drew were extremely dark. He does not want to get close to his parents, not only because of teenage rebellion, but also because of the evil instigation in his heart. He is truly "a ghost in his heart."

In such a situation, what effect can only punishment and punishment have? A family is not a company. Just rewarding good and punishing evil can make him change. After discussing with Meijin, who has been engaged in psychological counseling for many years, we decided to treat Kaili with love, acceptance and understanding.

The first thing we realize is that "we cannot force him to listen to us in everything." For example, if you don't go to church or come home late, it is impossible to say that you don't worry or care. But I'll let it go and wait and see. There was only one time when he said he wanted to get a tattoo, but I refused because it was an indelible decision and I couldn't let him leave such a mark on his body.

I also started writing to him, apologizing for being too harsh to him in the past and not spending a lot of time with him. Constantly affirming that he is a good boy; repeatedly emphasizing that we treat him just like my brother and have no preference; we told him in every letter: "God loves you, and we love you too." Although such expressions were like Shi Shen Dahai, and did not get any In response, I continued to write and continued to say to him: "Dad loves you."

Kaili was indifferent to me and Meijin, but he remained warm to his brother. Kaiwen always encouraged him but did not preach to him. Of course, there is not without tension between the brothers. In terms of study, if the elder brother is stronger in Chinese, the younger brother will work harder in mathematics. My brother also comforted us and my wife, saying that my brother is not a bad boy and that we should give him some space and there is no need to nag him all the time.

Younger brother Kaili did well in his studies and applied to Ruoge University in New Jersey after graduating from high school. I thought to myself, given his current situation, leaving home to go to school would be like running wild, let alone something he could not control. After thinking about it for a long time, I wanted to send him to the ALERT course (Air, Land, Emergency Resource Team) hosted by Dr. Bill Gothard. I was just not sure if treating Kaili with a strict education would really help?

It was during that period that I learned that the youth leadership training organized by Canada's Songquan Ministries allowed participating students to work while receiving counseling and experiencing healing. I asked Kaili to drop out of school to participate. Although he was reluctant, he had no choice. So on the recommendation of Rev. Donna Parachin and Pastor Cai Kuansong, his friends who served in Songquan, he began a year of training.

tear down walls, build bridges

At first, Kaili's attitude was not good and he was almost sent back. If the two friends hadn't cared about our many years of friendship and allowed him more time to deal with his own entanglements, this door would have been closed. During this year of serving and receiving service, we can see that he has gradually changed; when talking to him, his expression relaxed and became less tense. I feel like he has grown up a lot and seems to have outgrown his teenage rebellion.

Kaili changes, and so do I. I learned not to nag, lecture, or push for criticism. After he returned home, the high and thick wall between us was dismantled brick by brick. I was finally able to convey my love to Kaili without any hindrance, and he was willing to accept it with an open heart. When we are together, we are at ease with each other. He really "came home".

Looking back on the seven years when my relationship with Kaili was cold, it seems that I was not active enough, did not do much, and even seemed to have given up. It's not actually giving up. I knew clearly that what I was facing was not just a personal problem, but a spiritual warfare problem. His behavior and attitude are the fruits of various experiences during his growth. What his parents did hurt his heart and soul, allowing evil to take advantage of him. I apologized to him in my letter from the bottom of my heart, not just to appease him. I needed to let my son know that he could always come back if he wanted to; I wanted him to know that it was safe to come back.

I also chose not to confront him on right and wrong, let alone say, "Dad is a pastor, so you have to do whatever you want." I want my child to understand that I value him as a person more than other people's criticism of me. In fact, children test their parents' love in crises. If you accidentally broke a valuable vase when you were a child, what would be your parents' first reaction? Are you feeling sorry for the vase, or are you concerned about whether the child is injured? During the seven years when Kaili's relationship with us was frozen, he was also exploring whether his parents' love had limits and conditions. So I keep giving him love; even if hugging him feels like hugging a wooden pillar, I still have to keep hugging him.

During that period, Meijin was my best companion. He often reminded me to accompany Kaili to do things he was interested in, such as playing ball and fishing. I learned to play with him. Sure enough, he, who was usually cold and didn't answer questions, started talking and was willing to talk to me. I also know of a pastor who, in order to be closer to his teenage daughter, worked hard on clothing and makeup. The effect of dressing up his daughter was so good that she and her classmates were willing to consult her father for fashion advice. Parents who actively and proactively participate in their children's preferences will be a bridge connecting hearts.

Return to father's house

This seems to be the story of the Xu family, but it is also the story of the Kingdom of God. After going through the challenges of my relationship with Kai, and having people come to me to talk about all the difficult and complicated diseases between parents and children, I gained a real sense of empathy. Not only tell them to do this or that, but also share their "failures." I believe that only by admitting one’s own shortcomings can people see God’s deeds and bring them real hope.

Every experience in life is because God wants us to understand His heart. The love a parent has for his children comes from God, and God loves his children more than I do. During the seven years of stalemate in my relationship with Kaili, I realized that what I could do was too limited, so I just left him to God!

I "let go", but I didn't "give up"! During those quiet nights when I stood in front of the window waiting for Kaili to come home, my heart ached, but I didn’t stop praying for the child, and I held tight to God’s promise: He will help! He will help! Seven years later, he really "came home". Now he leads worship and small groups in the church; he testifies and says to parents: "If I can change, your children can change too."

Isn’t this also the heart of Heavenly Father? Due to the experiences we experienced while growing up, our hearts are also closed, and we see ourselves as orphans, avoiding and betraying the love of our Heavenly Father. How sad this made Him! However, God has not given up and continues to give us love. Until we are finally willing to open our hearts, let His love in, and openly accept His embrace.

We also "went home".

Reporter Lin Minwen is dedicated to spreading God’s faithfulness and heavenly hope through words.