From "good" to "better"
"Couple Harmony Camp" Testimonial Chapter 1: Growing up in conflict
Interviewee/Interview with Zhu Wenhua and Yue Lin/Zheng Qiongyu
▲Zhu Wenhua and Yue Lin already had a good relationship. After participating in the Couples Harmony Camp, their hearts became closer.
In 2016, after a couple in the church participated in the "Couple Harmony Camp" organized by "Love and Conflict Harmony Ministries", their relationship improved greatly. The husband who was not a believer even made a decision in the harmony camp to Zhu Wenhua and Yue Lin were deeply curious about the camp. Although the two have been married for more than thirty years and have always had a good relationship, and there seems to be no need to attend the harmony camp, the couple still decided to go and find out.
After three days and two nights of study at the camp, as well as seven follow-up group exercises after the camp, they found that there was not no conflict between the two, but they often chose to keep things quiet and hide their hurt emotions because they didn't know how to deal with them.
american football events
One time, the theme of the follow-up group was "Standing on the Shoulders of Conflict." Zhu Wenhua thought that one day after dinner, a game played by his alma mater's American football team was broadcast on TV. He sat down to watch it, but his wife scolded him for wasting time. Watch meaningless shows. Zhu Wenhua was a little angry and ignored his wife and continued to watch the game, causing emotional tension between the couple.
When analyzing what the couple did in this incident, he wrote: "My wife always denies things she is not interested in, so I ignore her." So if time could go back, could there be any different reaction? Zhu Wenhua thought about his attitude: "I should care about my wife's needs, not just my own enjoyment. My wife has been busy all day, and she just wants to talk to me. And if my wife doesn't criticize me for watching the football game, just explain her If necessary, maybe I won't get angry." Talking about the growth this conflict can bring to his life, Zhu Wenhua said: "My wife is willing to chat with me, I should feel happy. If watching the football game will affect the relationship between husband and wife, then I will practice it. Moderate, don’t look at it.” Finally, he prayed that God would give him a broad heart and not care about people’s words, so that he could live out the humility of Jesus Christ, and he also asked God to help his wife have gentle words.
Such layer-by-layer analysis, gradually connecting with God, not only helped him to release himself from conflicts and make his life more mature, but also gave Yue Lin the opportunity to understand her husband's thoughts.
Why don't you appreciate it?
Yue Lin also shared her practice in a follow-up group.
Yue Lin's mother-in-law has been relying on sleeping pills for a long time to fall asleep. The doctor was worried that she was overly dependent on the medicine and decided not to prescribe the medicine. This made her mother-in-law very worried. One day, while the couple was driving to a gas station, Yue Lin gave her husband some advice on how to comfort her mother-in-law. When they arrived at the gas station, the couple happened to reach a certain point in their conversation. Yue Lin was worried that her husband would forget her suggestion as soon as he turned around, so she asked him to practice while his memory was still fresh. Unexpectedly, his husband immediately refused and slammed the door and got out of the car. Although Yue Lin didn't say anything more at that time in order to avoid a quarrel, she was quite angry at her husband's lack of appreciation.
Re-examining the situation at that time and thinking about how to glorify God in the conflict, Yue Lin wrote: "I should not think that I am smart. I should let my husband handle it by himself and believe that he has methods. And I should not use a commanding tone, like Teach a child to ask him to accept my suggestions. I should pray more for my mother-in-law's situation and the communication between her husband and her mother-in-law." Regarding how to serve others, she realized that she should give her husband more space and believed that he has influence on her mother. . When she thought deeply about her husband's needs, she realized that her husband must be very worried about her mother's condition and needed a quiet space to face it. As for how to grow in conflict, she saw God enlightening the pride in her heart and the pressure it put on her husband. She realized that she needed to practice more gentleness and humility and trust her husband's ability. Regarding this incident, her prayer was to thank the Holy Spirit for helping her see where she lacked respect for her husband. She asked the Lord to help her speak softly, teach her to control her emotions, and bear the fruit of gentleness.
This kind of God-centered analysis helps Zhu Wenhua and Yue Lin understand each other better and no longer be disturbed by the emotions hurt in the conflict.
Not ashamed of conflict
In the camp and follow-up groups, Zhu Wenhua’s most impressive learning was understanding that people’s inner world is like a huge iceberg. Negative emotions, behaviors, and words during conflicts are often just a small piece of iceberg that emerges from the water. Only by examining the feelings of rejection and misunderstanding hidden under the water can we discover the root cause of emotional outbursts. People's deepest emotions are often It is the desire to be loved. When you cannot feel love, you are prone to negative emotions.
One of Yue Lin's biggest gains is learning to "understand". In the past, when she was angry, she just let the emotion fade over time. Now she will work hard to understand herself and the other person to achieve true harmony and love.
In addition, the couple also learned to face conflicts bravely and head-on. Zhu Wenhua always chose to escape when encountering conflicts in the past, but now he is willing to face conflicts and turn crises into opportunities for growth; Yue Lin learned that she must listen patiently, respect the other party, and not rush to express opinions. The two no longer feel embarrassed or deliberately hide the "conflict" in their marriage, and are willing to share it openly with the young people they serve in the church.
mutual trust and love
The teachings in the camp are based on the Bible. Learn love, acceptance, sacrifice, commitment, obedience, suffering, hope and grace from the gospels. Preach the gospel to yourself and help you deeply examine your inner world and see your own limitations and many things. The origin of emotions. The seven follow-up group meetings after the camp provide them with the opportunity to practice what they have learned, through systematic analysis, to understand themselves, each other, and connect with God, so that they can still glorify God and serve Him when experiencing conflicts. Help people and lives grow, and surrender all needs and problems to God through prayer.
If a picture could describe their marriage, Yue Lin felt that her married life with her husband had always been as warm as walking hand in hand on a picturesque beach. After studying at the Couple Harmony Camp, a new picture was added to their marriage picture. In addition to walking together, the two of them understood and trusted each other better and were also willing to try new and interesting activities such as boating and surfing together.
Zhu Wenhua compared driving to their marriage. He used to drive, while his wife was busy giving directions. Now he still drives, but the couple will discuss the route before setting off, so they can relax and enjoy the beautiful scenery along the way and each other's company.
"May the God of hope fill your hearts with all joy and peace through faith, so that you may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13) Zhu Wenhua uses this verse and Other couples encourage each other to look to God during conflicts and not lose hope. Yue Lin hoped that she would always encourage and respect her husband, trusting him to be her covering and protect her wife, just like Jesus is our beloved. Just like Ruth said to Boaz: "Please cover me with your skirt." , because you are a close relative of mine” (Ruth 3:9).
Interviewee profile
Originally from Taiwan, settled in Northern California. She has been married for more than thirty years and has an adult son. Currently leading a youth group in the church.