transcend conflict
Contemporary examples of "peace by force"
In the last issue (Issue 53), Pastor Li Yanguang’s article "The strong party seeks peace—the path of reconciliation recommended by God" followed four ways to deal with conflicts, namely, let it go, third-party coordination, the weak party seeking peace, and the strong party. Fang Qiuhe reviewed 65 examples of "conflict-pursuit of peace" in the Bible and pointed out that "seeking peace from the strong side" is the most effective way to resolve conflicts. Among the 24 cases in which forceful settlement was adopted, the true settlement rate was as high as 91%; the second was "third-party intervention and coordination", which also achieved good results. The "stronger party" refers to the person with higher popularity, strength, ability, status, or the "offended person" who has the upper hand in justice. On the contrary, it is the "weak side". (see schedule below)
For detailed explanation, please refer to the 53rd issue of this magazine "Strong Side Seeking Peace—The Road to Reconciliation Recommended by God"
As for the "weak party seeking peace", because it often involves a fearful and coercive mentality, none of the eight examples in the Bible resulted in true reconciliation. (But this path is not without chances of success. If the weak party lets go of its fear and invites a third party that both parties trust to assist in mediation, and the strong party is willing to let go of its grudges, the relationship may still be reversed.) "Let it go" means It is the most undesirable path. Unhandled conflicts will not resolve automatically, and may even lead to deepening resentment, leading to regrettable consequences.
The laws guided by God never change. No matter in any generation, the "strong party" actively forgives the "weak party" and seeks reconciliation, which is extremely effective in resolving conflicts. The article in the last issue mentioned that the Republic of Colombia took the initiative to reconcile with the rebels and finally ended the half-century-long war, which is an excellent example. This article will take several conflict incidents in churches, workplaces, and families as examples.
▲Blessed are the peacemakers.
Example 1: Church deception 1
Pastor Ken is the senior pastor of a community church in the United States. After being recommended by his members, he hired a sincere, handsome and approachable young man named Steve as the choir director. Steve was fast and conscientious in taking up the post. He recruited the long-vacant tenor for the choir in a short period of time and often worked overtime. In addition, Steve also used his mother church to support his scholarship to further his studies at the Institute of Music. You can occasionally hear him sharing his lessons with the congregation. Pastor Ken was very satisfied with Steve's performance and was fortunate to have found such an excellent director for the church choir.
However, a few months later, a choir couple asked Pastor Ken that Steve had integrity issues. Not only did he never send out concert notices on time, but he also borrowed 10,000 yuan from them to repair his car a few months ago. I returned it a month later, but nothing happened since then. The next day, Steve's roommate also called the church and said that Steve had not shared the rent for several months.
After discussing with the church deacon, Pastor Ken made an appointment with Steve to talk about his debt and suggested that he take on another job and pay off the debt as soon as possible. Steve cried bitterly and confessed his mistake to the pastor sincerely.
Pastor Ken was very pleased with Steve's courageous attitude. Unexpectedly, Steve was exposed one after another for making false claims. For example, he lied to Pastor Ken that the manager of the work shop did not allow him to take leave to lead the choir on tour. There was no such thing as studying at a music institute. When Pastor Ken came to him for verification, he always defended himself without blushing and out of breath, and made up a set of arguments to mislead the members, making them think that Pastor Ken was being unfair to Steve, which led to many members of the church arguing with the choir members. The pastor was dissatisfied and left the church angrily.
Faced with such a difficult crisis, Pastor Ken often asked Headley, chairman of the deacon board, to pray with him and ask God for guidance. They began to collect evidence of Steve's fraud, but at the same time they also used the love from God to forgive the lost brothers. During several meetings, even though Steve kept covering up his lies with lies, Pastor Ken still patiently waited for him to come around.
When the two met with Steve for the last time, Headley hugged Steve and calmly told Steve that they loved him, wanted to reconcile with him, and that he was welcome to stay in the church to attend church. He did not sin against them, but against God. They specifically pointed out Steve's false evidence one after another. Steve admitted some of the lies and promised to write down these incidents to clarify the truth to the church members. Although Steve did not fulfill his promise and chose to leave without saying goodbye, thankfully, the church finally weathered the storm safely and continued to grow.
As the leader of the church and a victim of false accusations, Pastor Ken is the "strong side" in this conflict. He did not use his authority to ask Steve to leave because he was wronged. On the contrary, he treated Steve with the compassionate love of his heavenly Father, repeatedly giving him opportunities to look back, hoping that he would sincerely face his problems and welcome him. Continue to stay in the church and contribute the gift of music. Although Steve refused to reconcile, Pastor Ken's humble approach of "seeking peace by force" prevented the evil ones from using human flesh to tear the church apart. After Steve left, the church continued to grow after a brief period of turmoil, and the choir also took on a new look.
In addition, not long after discovering Steve's problem, Pastor Ken asked the deacons to intervene and act as a third-party mediator. This wise approach prevented him from being unable to defend himself when he was attacked and framed by Steve. The deacons could also stand in front of everyone. When the pastor is not trusted, objectively assist in getting to the bottom of the situation.
▲Seek peace and be light and salt.
Example 2: A work partner is rude to someone
Gao Lili, the founder of Kingdom Resources for Christ, has been a senior executive of American companies for many years. In an interview with Liao Meihui, a special writer for this magazine, she mentioned that once she attended a seven-member group meeting of the company's operating committee, and she was the only one among them. She is Asian, the only woman, and the youngest one. When she expressed her personal opinions during the meeting, a man said rudely to her: "Don't interrupt!" Gao Lili was very embarrassed. After the meeting, she thought about how to deal with such an encounter that was close to workplace bullying. Should you pretend that nothing happened, or should you appeal to your superiors and seek justice for yourself?
After prayer, God moved her to face this matter and gave her wisdom to deal with it in a way that benefits others and herself. One day at noon, she made an appointment with the colleague to have dinner. After some pleasantries, in a peaceful atmosphere, Gao Lili told the colleague how hurt she felt during the meeting that day and asked him to think about whether his behavior that day was appropriate. The man immediately apologized and promised that such a situation would never happen again. The two men untied their knots and shook hands to make peace.
In this conflict, Gao Lili was the offended one and axiomically belongs to the "stronger side". She could justly complain to the company and make the man pay for his rude behavior; but if she does that, Gao Lili is likely to be involved in more disputes, accusations, and even frame-ups, and with that colleague and supporter That colleague may also fall out with each other and be unable to continue working together, resulting in a lose-lose situation for both parties.
On the other hand, if she adopts a "let it go" attitude and hides her hurt feelings in her heart, it may appear to be a generous act of "adults don't take into account the faults of minors" and avoid conflicts and troubles. However, that person Colleagues will not have the opportunity to reflect on their behavior and will most likely continue to verbally offend Gao Lili in the future, causing more serious conflicts.
When thinking about how to deal with it, Gao Lili put down her thoughts and emotions and asked God to guide her. God then guided her to the win-win reconciliation path of "seek for peace", and in a friendly atmosphere, she gave her colleague the opportunity to know her story. Feelings, apologize to her, and the two will be able to continue to cooperate professionally on the basis of mutual respect in the future.
▲God is an example of the strong side seeking peace.
Example 3: Water throwing incident 3
One day after dinner, Deyi and her husband were tidying up the kitchen together. She put the dishes in the sink and her husband was responsible for cleaning them. When she bent down and threw the garbage into the trash can under the sink, a light rain of water suddenly hit her face. At one end, it turned out that the gentleman had washed the dishes and was shaking off the water droplets on his hands.
Deyi asked her husband unhappily why he didn't dry his hands with a towel by the sink instead of shaking her hands so that her body was covered with water. The husband also got angry and argued that he just wanted to dry his hands and wipe them with a towel. Deyi should learn to accept it and stop "talking about it all the time."
"Always!" These two words made Deyi's heart crackle like water spilled on a frying pan. She told her husband that every time she heard him accuse her of "always," she felt very uncomfortable. The husband was still angry and replied that every time he washed his hands, Deyi was always there to correct and criticize him. "Really?" Deyi didn't believe that she was as described by her husband. The husband said that Deyi was always like this, but he didn't notice it.
That night, Deyi expressed her grievances to her heavenly father. She felt that she had been misunderstood by her husband, and some thoughts quickly flashed through her mind. During her prayer, the Holy Spirit reminded her: "Love is 'always' patient..." The next morning she took the initiative to break the ice and asked her husband to forgive her for "always" missing him. "I'm sorry!" The husband also stepped forward to hug Deyi, and the couple resolved the conflict and reconciled.
In this dispute, although the husband made an unintentional mistake, Deyi was splashed with water by him. She is the "offended one" and the "stronger party" in theory. Deyi's escort girl complained a few words without thinking. Not only did her husband not apologize, he also blamed her for not being accepting and always nagging, which made Deyi feel even more hurt. The beautiful thing about the couple washing dishes together after dinner ended in a quarrel.
Although Deyi was unhappy in her heart, she did not continue to argue with her husband based on her flesh and blood, or put the matter aside and let it get worse. Instead, she went to God to talk to God in the dead of night when everyone was quiet, and asked God for guidance. During the prayer, God helped her to look away from her own grievances and empathize with her husband's emotions - not only was he not praised by his wife for his diligence in washing dishes, but he also offended her because he tossed the water around, and was complained and blamed by her. There must be a lot of bitterness. The vision given to her by God enabled her to take the initiative to seek reconciliation with her husband the next morning, and the couple reconciled and started a new day.
She was obviously offended by her husband's habit of dumping water, but Deyi was willing to take the initiative to apologize to her husband for her nagging, because when she asked God for help, God's love had healed the scars in her heart. She said: "Only by first inviting the love of heaven to heal the rifts can we find a bright sky above the friction we have made."
"Summary by force" is not just a method
"Suing for peace by the strong side" has a significant effect on the pursuit of reconciliation. The fundamental reason is that God is the model of peace by the strong side. We owe and offend Him, but the Heavenly Father takes the initiative to forgive us, sends the Son of God to become flesh, be crucified on the cross for the world, and use His own blood as the ransom; and the Holy Spirit is always worried about us and calls us to turn back. This is such a shocking display of the strong side seeking peace.
Therefore, the key to the success of a strong party’s peacemaking is that the strong party must follow God’s example and fully forgive the other party. This does not mean indiscriminate approval of the other person’s behavior. The other party still needs to be responsible for the consequences of its actions, but how the other party responds is not a factor in whether the strong party seeks peace.
For example, in the first example, Pastor Ken did not ask Steve to admit his mistakes and pay back the money before forgiving Steve. Instead, he offered him an offer of reconciliation when Steve continued to deceive him and even framed him. hand, giving him a chance to start over. Although Steve chose to leave without saying goodbye, Pastor Ken always faced Steve with God's love, preventing the evil ones from taking the opportunity to destroy and divide the church.
In the second example, Gao Lili gave up his right to report the colleague's rude behavior to the company's senior management and took the initiative to ask him to resolve the dispute, thus avoiding similar conflicts in the future. The way she handles conflict makes her the light and salt that maintains peace in the workplace.
In addition, I believe that many couples, like the Deyi couple, will inevitably encounter various frictions in their daily lives due to different living habits, and many relationships will fall apart due to accumulated conflicts over time. Deyi gained strength in prayer and no longer indulged in hurt emotions. She took the initiative to reconcile with her husband and repaired the rift between husband and wife with the love of Heavenly Father.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." (Matthew 5:9) Although all kinds of conflicts often arise between people, God has already established the establishment of peace through force. A model that guides us on a path of reconciliation that is different from secular values.
Note:
1. "Conflict at the Brink—25 Famous Pastors Talk about Church Conflict and Reconciliation", Chapter 16 "Dealing with Deception", edited by Marshall Shelley, translated by Shi Yumian, Taiwan, Olive Culture, 2003.
2. "The Kingdom of God Magazine" Issue 23 (Spring 2011), "Being clear-minded and clear-minded will always lead to success - Code of Practice on Interpersonal Relationships in the Workplace", interviewed by Liao Meihui. For the online version of the magazine, please visit www.shen-guo.org.
3. Issue 3 of "Love and Conflict Newsletter" (June 2018), "Sprinkling Water to Water Flowers", written by Deyi. The online version of the newsletter is available at www.loveandconflict.org.
Zheng Qiongyu, from Taiwan, settled in Northern California. She has a son with her husband and two naughty furry children at home. He once worked as a Sunday school teacher for children in the church for nearly ten years and is currently engaged in literary ministry.