A belated "I'm sorry"

What about the promised scholarship?

I have a bad memory and can’t remember many people and things clearly. But there is one person and things about him that have been lingering in my mind and cannot be forgotten. It seems too late now for what should be said and what should be done...

It was the fall of 1982. The morning after I arrived at Victoria University in the United States from Taiwan, I went to the Department of Sociology, sat at the desk of my advisor, and listened to him detail the financial situation of the department. He said that the scholarship originally promised to me could not be paid out in the first semester and could only start in the second semester.

The instructor was a fat Jew with a big beard, like a dwarf in the story "Snow White". I had dinner at his house the night before. There wasn’t much food and I could only eat half full. I wonder if he is on a diet? I got to know him because he went to Taiwan to give lectures through an American scholar exchange program. I attended his lectures at my alma mater, Fu Jen Catholic University in Taiwan.

By that time, Carter had left office, but the economic situation had not yet improved, and bank interest rates had reached an unprecedented record high. College graduates cannot find jobs, so staying in postgraduate studies was the first choice at that time. Under those circumstances, scholarships were in short supply, which, of course, affected me.

When I returned to the rented small room, I felt very excited. Surrounded by high walls, there is no way out, and it's like a dream, everything becomes unreal. I began to think about ways to cope, ranging from studying harder, graduating in one year, returning home immediately, etc., but the most reliable idea was to "change majors." Computer studies were very popular at that time, and almost all my college classmates who studied in the United States switched to computer studies.

▲To switch to another department or not to switch? The author was caught up in the battle between heaven and man. He tossed coins all day long and could no longer remember the final result.

War between heaven and man

Because the idea of changing my relationship came too quickly and too strongly, I was in the rental house that day and there was a fight between heaven and man. There was a good reason for whether I wanted to change my relationship or not. It is a guaranteed decision for a classmate to switch to computer science because he has a stable job and a good salary. However, if you change your mind, you have to give up what you have been hobbies for many years. It is still easy to talk to your parents, but how do you explain it to the teachers and classmates in the sociology department at your alma mater? After all, I was recommended by the department to study here. Changing departments will affect the chances of future juniors and juniors being admitted.

However, economic issues also have to be considered. The money I brought was only enough to last for one semester. If I didn't transfer, what if the scholarship for the second semester still couldn't be paid out? (Obviously I no longer have confidence in the school)? Because I had just arrived in the United States, there was no one to discuss it, and I prayed and felt that God was okay with it. After a battle between heaven and man, I decided to use the American Western cowboy method of throwing a coin to solve the problem.

The result of throwing it the first time was "no change". I felt that the answer was unreliable, so I threw it the second time, the third time... I lost it like this from morning to afternoon, from afternoon to evening, for a whole day. I don’t even remember the final result, I just think it’s unbelievable. Throwing a coin will end your life? "One dollar kills a heroic man", that's what he said at that time!

The next day, I went to the student center to make course adjustments. I canceled all three social studies courses and added four computer classes. Read it first. If you can't read it, why bother? It's completely the idea of treating a dead horse as a living horse doctor.

Repeatedly missed opportunities to explain

Unexpectedly, the news was spread by the supervising professor here to the other side of the distant Pacific Ocean. Luo Siwei, the director of the Department of Sociology at Fudan University, was obviously very angry. Whenever he had the opportunity, he expressed his dissatisfaction among his classmates. It's quite understandable that he reacted this way because his expectations for me suddenly fell to the bottom.

Father Luo Siwei is the "elegant man" who brought me into the adult world. He dedicated his life early in his life, serving as a Catholic Jesuit priest and serving as the head of the Department of Sociology. Because he lives on campus, he often mixes with us students who live on campus from other counties and cities. During the four years of college, I was still him early and late, and I even talked like him. Unconsciously, he led him into the adult world. No matter from the three important things in life to the details of childbirth and care, they are all influenced by him.

Because I showed interest in sociology, he expected me to establish myself in the sociological field. And I did not disappoint him, absorbing and learning sociology like a sponge. After completing my military service, he invited me to return to school as a teaching assistant for one year, and later recommended me to study for graduate school in the Department of Sociology at Victoria University in the United States. He planned my next step carefully, like a father.

I later learned that Department Director Luo had misunderstood me and wanted to explain to him (I haven’t transferred to another department yet!). But he is an American, so if he wants to explain, he has to use English. It was impossible to make a phone call because I was too poor; it took time to write a letter. I was studying a new subject in the dark at that time, so there was no time to write a letter. So the first opportunity for explanation was lost.

Two months later, the high school entrance examination was over, and I had time to write. However, the news that Director Luo was dissatisfied with me was still coming in like a torrent (actually, it was just two or three classmates calling to convey the message), and it was very stressful. And at that time, I had almost decided to change my department. To explain or not to explain, it seemed to have no meaning anymore. I was speechless! So another opportunity for explanation was lost.

At the end of the semester, I got straight A's in four computer courses. In addition, important people from the computer department assisted students in running computers and gave me a scholarship. The road seemed to be going smoothly, so I thought I would switch departments! From then on, I officially became a "rebel".

Time flies, seven years later I got married and had children. Director Luo came to the United States to raise funds for his alma mater, and the senior students held a party for this purpose, calling together classmates in the department in California. My senior sister was the mayor's wife at the time and lived in a mansion. She responded to every call when called upon. That morning, department friends showed up one after another, including many seniors from the first class. The department chair looked the same that day as he had seven years ago, with the bald head and bulging belly still there. The Chinese still has a distinct accent, and calling people by their names is still weird.

After dinner, everyone sat together to share what was going on. For some reason, starting from the senior sister, everyone said the same thing in unison, as if they had made an appointment. Basically, "it is difficult to find a job in the social studies department, which is contrary to the expectations of the department director" and so on... Director Luo faced us with a look of helplessness on his face, saying that I couldn't explain why I changed departments back then. I hesitated and said something incomprehensible, and now I have forgotten what I said at that time. So another opportunity to apologize was missed.

▲Father Luo Siwei, who was the chairman of the Sociology Department of Fu Jen Catholic University, served in Taiwan for 50 years and passed away in 2017. The author had a close relationship with him as father and son when he was a student at Fuzhou University.

It's never too late to apologize

Now that Director Luo has returned to heaven, heaven and man are separated. I will never have the opportunity to explain and apologize to him in person in this life! I was still worried about what I had failed to do at the beginning, thinking that I could only go back to heaven to talk about it. But then I thought, should I continue to wait for the apology that I have been waiting for for nearly 40 years? too long! In addition, for him in Tianjia, it might be easier if he is separated by one floor! Who knows? Maybe Father Luo can really hear it?

I didn't tell him right away that I might want to switch departments. I thought it was just a matter of changing tracks. Why was there such a big rebound? Is it really that serious? Then I thought, like a couple, when the betrayed party is the last one to learn the truth, the unbearable feeling is indeed unbearable. We have the same affection as father and son. If we didn't know the reason why I had to change my relationship at the first time, it would definitely be hurtful to him! I'm deeply sorry for this. Sorry, Father Luo!

I don’t regret changing my department, and I’m still satisfied with my computer work. I just regret that I didn’t get his blessing for changing my department! Because he did not consult his opinion, he blocked all future contacts, and from then on the two of them became just strangers. I'm deeply sorry for this. Sorry, Father Luo!

Even if there is a breach in many close relationships, there is no need to go to the point of "you go your own way, and I'll cross my single-plank bridge." There is no right or wrong in changing departments, but at that time I was too young, a little arrogant, and not confident enough to explain clearly, so I failed to reach out to communicate first. I'm deeply sorry for this. Sorry, Father Luo!

Time seems to make people forget many things, but some things can never be forgotten. For my own guilt, I must say to Father Luo: I'm sorry! Father Luo. Please forgive my belated apology!

It's better to come late than never! Is it right? Father Luo.

Du Yonghao, specializing in computer information management, worked at Kaiser Medical Systems in Southern California. Currently, he is the general director of Genesis Text Training Bookstore and is responsible for various administrative affairs and teaching video shooting and editing. I had a passion for culture and literature when I was in college, and now I work with my wife, Director Mo Fei, to lead a literary creative team to promote the vision of literary ministry in the three places across the Taiwan Strait and North America.