Believe out of love, act out of faith

[Mobility in Heaven—Parents and Children] Series 1

Oral narration/Chen Dejian‧Compilation/Lin Minwen

▲Just like a child taking one step after another with the encouragement of his parents, love and trust are the basis for bringing about change.

Is there any way to make children obedient? What can you do to improve communication with your child? Can the parent-child relationship really get better?

I believe that many parents attend parent-child relationship lectures and buy books on raising children with the attitude of looking for "martial arts secrets", thinking: as long as they find the right skills and learn the moves, they can have a beautiful parent-child relationship.

Really? Is knowledge really power? If we want to unite knowledge and action, don’t we first need to acquire knowledge? Why can’t I do it even though I have skills and moves?

從與自己孩子的相處，以及服事青少年的經驗中，我觀察到要改變親子關係，技巧、招式的知識當然重要。然而如何付諸實踐，關鍵其實在於更深層的愛與信任。期待藉由本系列文章，和有心尋求美好親子關係的讀者，一起學習知識，彼此鼓勵，知而能行；從腦到心，從心到手，帶出真實的改變—幫助自己改變；幫助孩子改變；建造更好的關係。

第一篇著重於改變的基礎—love and trust. Subsequent articles will look at the different roles and efforts of parents according to the different development stages of children:

childhood: Grow together in teaching (Teach);
adolescence: Grow together in encouragement (Coach);
College and adulthood:Grow together by letting go (Empower);
Grow together as partners:See, Feel, Change.

We sincerely hope that these contents can inspire all readers to take action and bring about real changes in any relationship.

I believe he can walk

There is a misunderstanding in the parent-child relationship, thinking that if you know more methods, it will be easier to change, but this is not the case. In real life, the more knowledge the mind has, the easier it is for people to fall into a cycle of disappointment, trying, and disappointment again if it is not internalized into subconscious habits and actions. Real change often starts with believing that you can be a good parent and trusting that your children can change.

When their children first learned to walk, did their parents first attend lectures, read books, and search for information on the Internet to learn "how to teach their children to walk"? Of course, there is information to help parents understand their children's developmental stages, and there are also exercises to increase children's strength and coordination. But what usually happens is that when a child is strong enough, he or she will want to move; first crawl, then stand up holding on to furniture, and then take the first trembling step. The surrounding family members immediately cheered and clapped! Seeing such an enthusiastic and positive response, the child continued to try the second step.

Let’s think of a child learning to walk as a change. First of all, unless there is a physical or mental disability, children have the inner ability to "walk". Parents see other children walking and they themselves can walk, so they believe their children can walk too. The child's first step may be an unconscious attempt, but from the positive feedback from his family, he is encouraged and willing to do it again, so that his parents can say: Great! It's nice to see their excited smiles.

Just like this, step by step, the strength and coordination required for the child to walk continue to strengthen and mature, and soon he is running all over the house, making it difficult for parents to catch up. Many parents don’t realize that in the process, we trust ourselves (as parents) to help our children learn to walk (change).

why doesn't work

Once upon a time, lovely, naturally growing children began to become “disobedient”? Want her to focus on her homework and not spend so much thought and time on Instagram? Do not listen! Do you want him to put his shoes away when he gets home and not throw his schoolbag anywhere? ignore! Want her to participate in a math competition instead of going to the movies with her classmates? Shut the door! Want him to play piano at church? He refused and insisted on going to the kitchen to wash dishes!

Every time it’s question-and-answer time in parent-child lectures, parents come up with various situations, always hoping for an effective way to change their children’s behavior, attitudes, and concepts. The lecturer also gave principles, suggestions, and steps for prescribing the right medicine. But does it work?

Before parents go home and face their children, they might as well think about it: Do I really believe what the speaker said? Do I believe children can change? Many times I just give it a try and do it once. However, due to the lack of environmental cooperation, such as spouse disapproval, being too busy, lack of time and patience, etc., these attempts were short-lived, and soon returned to the previously accustomed but incorrect parenting methods.

Parents have knowledge, but feel that it is not applicable or feasible. With frustration, they look for the next "25 Questions Answered" or "30 Parenting Tools" books, and then wait for another more authoritative and famous speaker. Ask the same question again. Where is the crux? Why is it that even after listening to such a good method introduced by the lecturer, it still doesn’t work?

Start from the first step

The reason is: I didn’t use it after hearing it!The gap between parents from "knowing" to "doing" does not need to be filled with more intellectual knowledge, but withInsideHeart and courage are bridges. What can inspire courage is when you and your children receive and feel love, trust, and encouragement.

Let’s go back to the example of a child learning to walk. Parents believe that their children have the ability to change and help them prepare for emotional and behavioral maturity before changing. When the child takes the first step to change, give a positive response and create a positive environment so that he can be encouraged to take the second step. Just as the strength and coordination of walking become stronger with practice, changes in children's attitude or behavior also require continuous practice to become proficient. Of course there will be falls during the process, but parents’ timely comfort and encouragement will make the children willing to stand up and try again.

And so do the parents themselves. First believe that you can make changes according to the speaker's suggestions and try the first step. If you can find people to respond positively, create a positive environment, praise them for doing the right thing, and encourage them to keep trying, parents' strength and coordination to make changes will increase day by day.

Many people think that by changing their perceptions, they can change their behavior. In fact, cognitive changes need to be brought about through actions. The knowledge the mind receives does not automatically change its cognition. Start with small actions first, get affirmation through repetition, establish a cognitive framework, and confirm the rationality of the action. An educator once said: Action is the beginning of knowledge; knowledge is the completion of action.

When parents and children see that they can change and feel positive feedback, they will be willing to continue to change. Don't underestimate the small first step. No matter how unstable or even falling, it can start the next second and third steps, and then walk steadily, far and for a long time. Therefore, it is important for parents to find partners who encourage each other and continue to take action.

From Doing to Being

The parent-child relationship is not just about "obedience"; change is not just about solving individual behaviors and attitudes. Can parents change the focus from "parenting" to "parenthood"?

Have you ever wondered why children are willing to grow and change in a positive environment? Isn’t this out of love and trust for parents? After being born, children receive care and attention from their parents, and receive gentle words and actions. Children already feel love before they even know that they are "parents", and the parent-child relationship is built on trust. Children are willing to do many things to receive consistent smiles and hugs in return. All stages of growth, such as talking, walking, and eating on their own, are positively encouraged, and they are willing to try more and more difficult behaviors, such as putting away toys, doing housework, and reading.

▲The gap between "knowing" and "doing" requires inner courage as a bridge.

The various behaviors of parents holding and nurturing are motivated by the awareness that they are parents, driven by the love in their hearts, and their willingness to establish trust and cultivate relationships with their children.

However, in the eyes of parents, the child who loved to "help" at the beginning is now unable to scream as he gets older. You don't reply when you ask her questions, but you talk back to her when you teach her the truth? In the eyes of children, when did parents who used to speak softly and immediately clap and praise them for small achievements turn into nagging, criticizing, and setting a lot of unreasonable rules?

Especially for children entering adolescence, the internal reason for conflicts with their parents may be that they observe that their parents' words and deeds are inconsistent, and they gradually lose trust in their parents and feel less and less loved by their parents.

How do parents and children return to a relationship based on love and trust? At this time, parents may be thinking about what to do (parenting). If we return to parenthood, that is, the heart of being a father and a mother, can we have a different response?

Have parents ever thought about why they want their children to be "obedient"? Most people would say it's for the children's benefit. But how many people are willing to admit that a small part of them is afraid of embarrassing themselves? In the tug-of-war of trying to change a child's behavior, what is the ultimate goal? The focus is on "doing", and there are always behaviors that cannot be changed, and frustrations that cannot achieve the expected results. The focus is on "Being", allowing children to feel unconditional love, love in return, trust their parents' guidance, and live a wonderful and joyful life.

Parents believe that their children have the ability to change and create a positive environment to encourage change. Children do feel their parents' love and are willing to try to change. Even if it is not complete, they still believe that their parents' acceptance will not change.

The process is like a leader encouraging and accompanying the led. The ultimate goal is to come before God and believe that He will change us. As Colossians 1:28 says:"We preachHim, admonishing everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that everyone can be perfectly presented to God in Christ. "

From confrontation to win-win

我和自己的兩個孩子相處，也曾遇過各種挑戰，覺得孩子越來越不受「控制」。事實上，正因如此，促使我參加親子講座，從講員身上感受讓我渴望擁有的生命特質，從而開始學習領導力（參閱本刊 63 期管家單元文章〈發現嶄新的生命意義〉）。最終得到的不僅是學位，也不止於讓孩子聽話的實際方法，更是認識並活出真實的自己，從而影響孩子，影響所接觸的人。

Asking our children to tidy the table has been a long-standing flashpoint in our family. When children are young, they may still use the "I say, you listen" mode. Later, they stop listening and say in turn: "Dad, your table is also very messy." If the focus is on "doing", I will find ways to get them to do it. Behavior that I expect. However, when I think about myself as a father, how can I let my children know my love for them and encourage them to continue to trust me? As a father, can I accept that my child’s starting point is not to blame, but to resolve the different expectations of both parties?

We had a "family meeting." Among them, children have equal rights to speak; I am willing to listen to their feelings, and they ask me what I think in the same way. I am willing to reflect: what they say is right; I am also willing to listen to suggestions: What do you think the desk should look like to be tidied? From confrontation to win-win between parents and children, the purpose is no longer to listen to whom, but to seek mutual understanding and common benefits.

Talking about it now, it sounds like a wonderful experience. This was not the case then. I learned to be humble, let go of my father’s strong posture, admit my mistakes when I should, and come before God with my children, asking the Holy Spirit to work and change us.

See → Feel → Change

With love and trust as motivation and motivation, the process of change may not necessarily be smooth, and you can even expect bumps along the way. How to avoid giving up out of frustration?

Maybe lower your expectations. Thinking back to a child learning to walk, doesn’t it start with a small, wobbly step? Parents will not blame their children for walking unsteadily, but will quickly pick them up if they fall and encourage them to keep trying.

As children grow older and are asked to make any changes, can they return to their original patience and kindness, replace blame with encouragement, replace instructions with communication, and give children the opportunity to accumulate mental, strength, and spiritual maturity?

In this way, when you change yourself and accompany your children through the changes, the focus between parents and children is no longer just what you do (parenting), but the relationship between them (parenthood). As children grow, parents also grow.

Who is born without making mistakes and does not need to change? When parents are angry or frustrated because their children cannot do something well, think about whether you have ever been unable or failed to do some of the requirements from your parents or teachers at that age.

Some people may say that the children have grown up and they have missed the opportunity to experience changes with them and change the parent-child relationship. I want to encourage you: It’s never too late! As long as you are willing, even if it is only a small step, it is the beginning, and it is possible to change. Because we believe in a God who restores and rebuilds.

The Lord Jesus became flesh and lived among people, full of grace and truth. In the presence of a holy and almighty God, who can boast of his own perfection? God actually chooses to treat us with kindness and gives us opportunities to turn around again and again; Jesus chooses to let go of his strength and deliver the truth with compassion.

Parents see the example of Jesus, feel His love, and are willing to trust God and act according to His truth. Children see their parents' example, feel and are willing to trust their parents' love, and respond with actions. Harvard University professor John Kotter found that the traditional "analysis → thinking → change" does not easily lead to action, and many people just listen. He proposed the method of "See → Feel → Change", and the specific steps will be explained one by one in future articles.

We trust out of love and act out of trust. People who can truly feel love and understand that they are noble and trustworthy will be open to change. In this process, both parents and children have changed and grown.

In subsequent articles in the series, we will continue to encourage and accompany parents to bring about real changes for children of different ages.

Think and act
1. Is there any family around you that has a parent-child relationship that you would like to follow as an example? Please write down their qualities.
2. In the parent-child relationship, set a small milestone and start to change with a small action. For example: when the child comes home from school, greet him with a smile and a hug instead of asking questions or demands.
3. Ask God to give you the strength to change and the motivation to pay the price for change.

Chen Dejian, Master of Executive Leadership, Tiny Habit Life Coach certified by Professor Dr. BJ Fogg of Stanford University. Special lecturer of the International True Love Family Association and head coach of the Youth Fellowship. He is the father, coach, and best friend of a pair of teenage children.