When there is estrangement between father and son, who is your friend?

Now Absalom happened to meet David's men. He was riding his mule, and as the mule went under the thick branches of a large oak, Absalom's head got caught in the tree. He was left hanging in midair, while the mule he was riding kept on going. When one of the men saw what had happened, he told Joab, "I just saw Absalom hanging in an oak tree." Joab said to the man who had told him this, "What! You saw him? Why didn't you strike him to the ground right there? Then I would have had to give you ten shekels of silver and a warrior's belt." But the man replied, "Even if a thousand shekels were weighed out into my hands, I would not lay a hand on the king's son. In our hearing the king commanded you and Abishai and Ittai, 'Protect the young man Absalom for my sake.' And if I had put my life in jeopardy—and nothing is hidden from the king—you would have kept your distance from me." Joab said, "I'm not going to wait like this for you." So he took three javelins in his hand and plunged them into Absalom's heart while Absalom was still alive in the oak tree. And ten of Joab's armor-bearers surrounded Absalom, struck him and killed him. ( 2 Samuel 18:9-15)

The Distance with Evil

The French literary giant Victor Hugo once said: "There is one spectacle grander than the sea, that is the sky; there is one spectacle grander than the sky, that is the interior of the soul." This quote aptly describes the relationship between Absalom and David. Whether separated by distance or in the same city, the gap between father and son always seemed insurmountable. The resulting palace coup and family tragedy highlight the most intricate and unresolvable issue between generations - "I believe you don't love me!"

In fact, the essence of faith is distance. The purpose of Moses writing the law was to bring Israel closer to God; the purpose of Jesus coming to earth was to bring humanity closer to God. As the saying of the early Church Fathers goes: "The Son of God became the Son of Man to enable human beings to draw near to God."

However, as a person becomes increasingly corrupt, they become more and more insensitive to their own depravity, and the distance between them and God unconsciously grows wider. In 2 Samuel 11, the author uses the repeated verb 'send/dispatch' (the same word in the original text in verses 3, 4, 5, 6, 15, 18, and 27) to narrate how David, after sinning, moves further and further away from God. Moreover, the higher his position and the smarter he becomes, the more deceitful his methods of sinning become.

David committed one sin after another, like sliding down a dangerous slope. How could he turn back?

David committed adultery with Bathsheba, whom he had brought to him. Upon learning of Bathsheba's pregnancy, he summoned and deceived Uriah to go home and sleep with his wife (bearing false witness). Finally, he sent Uriah to the front lines to be killed by the enemy (murder). David then had Bathsheba brought to the palace. Thus, he committed one sin after another to cover up the previous one, violating multiple commandments of the Ten Commandments! At this point, David still thought he had gotten away with it, just as 2 Timothy 3:13 states: "Evil people and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving others and being deceived."

However, the author of Samuel in chapter 12 continues to use the same verb "send" to present God's involvement: "The LORD sent Nathan to David." This further illustrates an important truth - even for those in high positions, with intelligence and cunning methods, it's impossible to sin without God's knowledge, for whom the Lord loves, He disciplines. Thus, God, through the sent Nathan, tells the story of the rich man and the poor man, pointing out that David is the rich man who deserves death for killing the poor man's lamb, and conveys God's discipline for David:

This is what the LORD says: "Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel."

After hearing Nathan deliver God's judgment "You are the man," David immediately said to Nathan: "I have sinned against the LORD." (These verses are quoted from the Chinese Union Version with New Punctuation) He not only confessed his sin immediately but also wrote Psalm 51, a plea for forgiveness, which has become a spiritual refuge for God's children throughout generations when they sin. This exemplifies what Henri Nouwen said: "Each person has a place of poverty, and that is where the Lord wants to dwell."

The Distance with Friends

David had Nathan to bring him closer to God, but his sons lacked such godly, admonishing friends, leading to tragic outcomes: Amnon was encouraged by the cunning Jonadab to rape Tamar (as referenced in 2 Samuel 13). Solomon took 1,000 wives and concubines, favoring foreign women. He was surrounded by these idol worshippers rather than prophets speaking for God (as mentioned in 1 Kings 11). Wasn't Absalom the same?

Absalom, dissatisfied with his father's lack of action (essentially no action) regarding Amnon's rape of Tamar, plotted to lure and kill Amnon. To escape the guilt of murder, he fled to his mother's homeland, Geshur (2 Samuel 3:3). During his three-year exile, his father David longed for him greatly, but Absalom did not understand his father's experience of "a just God who is actually full of compassion and love," so he neither dared nor wanted to return home. This continued until the intervention of a person he considered his "benefactor" during his most helpless time - Joab!

Joab seemed to be a great benefactor to Absalom when he was stuck in the mire of life. If it weren't for Joab finding the woman of Tekoa to plead with David (as referenced in 2 Samuel 14), Absalom would have been destined to become a prodigal son who couldn't return home. However, when Absalom was determined to rebel and overthrow his father (as described in 2 Samuel 15-17), Joab never advised Absalom as Nathan had advised David to repent. He merely stood by as a spectator, looking for where he could gain an advantage.

A true friend is someone who guides you closer to God in various life situations - even if it might make the listener dislike them, because faithful words are often hard to hear! As Proverbs 27:6 says: "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." Napoleon lamented after the Battle of Waterloo: "Throughout my life, I have cultivated flatterers, never thinking to make friends, which is why I now die lonely here (on Saint Helena Island)."

Even the hardest rock cannot withstand the erosion of the wind, just as toxic friends can sow discord and erode relationships.

Time tests truth and human hearts; only through prolonged interaction can one truly know another's character. Proverbs 25:19 warns: "Like a broken tooth or a foot out of joint is reliance on the unfaithful in a time of trouble." (NIV)1 Absalom only realized at the end of his life that Joab, whom he had trusted, was a flattering and treacherous person. The consequences for Absalom, who misplaced his trust, were far worse than a broken tooth or a dislocated foot; the man he considered his benefactor, Joab, ended up taking Absalom's life. Joab's true nature was revealed in this moment. Even when his men reminded him of King David's order not to harm the young Absalom, "Joab took three javelins in his hand and plunged them into Absalom's heart while Absalom was still alive in the oak tree. And ten of Joab's armor-bearers surrounded Absalom, struck him and killed him."

When David heard that Absalom had been killed, he was overcome with grief. The scripture describes it thus: "The king was deeply moved and went up to the chamber over the gate and wept. As he went, he said: 'O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son!'" In contrast, Absalom, you should have known that it was your father who truly loved you, not the opportunistic Joab. This situation is truly heartbreaking!

The Distance with God

When there is discord in the father-son relationship, if the son befriends someone like Joab, even if they don't actively sow discord or take advantage of the situation to exacerbate friction between generations, they may simply adopt an indifferent attitude and stand by idly. When marital affection is weak, temptation plays the role of an opportunist, leading to inappropriate affairs. Hosea's wife Gomer alludes to Israel, who quickly turned away from God after entering Canaan and began worshipping Baal. They even mistakenly believed that it was Baal who gave them bread, water, wool, flax, oil, and wine (as referenced in Hosea 2:5)6, forgetting that the one who truly loved them was actually God, as symbolized by Hosea who still deeply loved Gomer (as referenced in Hosea 3:1)!

Associating with harmful friends and neglecting good ones results in pain and injury! One can imagine that Absalom, hanging from the tree, only realized in his final moments that his life was ruined by his poor judgment of character and careless choice of friends. He must have regretted staking all his relational capital on the self-serving Joab, without even one loyal friend to offer honest counsel! This is similar to how the Israelites, after entering Canaan, continually embraced Baal as a "spiritual mistress," ignoring the admonitions of prophets like Hosea and Jeremiah. It wasn't until the northern kingdom was exiled to Assyria and the southern kingdom to Babylon that they realized how gravely they had erred!

The teaching of Proverbs is clear: "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (NIV) How blessed we are in the New Testament era! God, through Jesus, who is closer to us than our own brothers, hung on the cross for us. He restored the interpersonal relationships we had intentionally or unintentionally damaged, whether between father and son, husband and wife, friends, brothers... and so on. This is like Hosea welcoming back Gomer, mending their broken relationship. Shattered relationships can thus be repaired and renewed.

The Lord Jesus came from heaven to earth, becoming our friend, to mend interpersonal rifts and restore the relationship between God and humanity.

God also enables us to be reconciled with Him:

"But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit." (Ephesians 2:13-18)

Pastor Tim Keller aptly states: "God does not treat us with justice, but freely saves us, lavishing His mercy and love, establishing the foundation for social (and family) justice."

So, who is your friend? When interpersonal relationships (especially intergenerational relationships) inevitably encounter problems, I hope you and I can realize that the friend we need most is Jesus! When family members struggle with "You don't understand me - it's the farthest distance," I pray that you and I can find the only answer, which is Jesus.