Where is home? Confronting Domestic Violence in the Church

▲Home is a paradise where God lives, warmth and joy. The church should try its best to protect every family in Christ and prevent violence and destruction from becoming a terrifying and dangerous hell.

(Photo/Timothy Liu)

"My family is so lovely, clean, happy and healthy; my brothers and sisters are very kind, and my parents are kind..."

Home is the sound of nature that echoes in the mouths of innocent children, it is a haven where poets chant and take shelter from the wind, and it is a warm little nest where parents lean on each other and wait for the wanderers to take off the dust of the world.

However, nearly 25% women have been beaten or sexually raped at home by their husbands, ex-husbands or lovers during their lifetime, and this does not include emotional, mental and spiritual abuse. 50% People who are violent to their wives and partners at home are also violent to their children. Dr. Marie Fortune, a pioneer in the study of domestic violence, said that in the environment where women live and children grow up, the most dangerous place is not anywhere else but at home!

Worrying situation

Domestic Violence (Domestic Violence) against a wife, girlfriend or partner, also known as Intimate Partner Violence, is like a silent plague that spreads across different races, cultures, religious beliefs, and economic statuses around the world. , education level, destroying the body and mind of the victims, and even killing their souls.

The Oregon Domestic Violence Council defines violence as follows:

"In close interpersonal relationships, one person uses a coercive behavior pattern to control and despise another person. His behavior includes physical, sexual, mental and economic violence. He uses coercion, terror, immorality, selfishness and violent strategies. It makes the victim fearful and forced to submit.”

Of the intimate partner violence incidents reported to the U.S. Department of Justice, 85-90% were committed by men, and the remaining 10-15% included violence committed by women against men, or violence between gay men and lesbians. Women are the most victims of violence, and their injuries are much more severe than men. 1

According to a report by the American College of Surgeons, assault is the leading cause of injured women seeking treatment in hospital emergency departments, more than injuries from car accidents, robberies, and rape combined.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists reports that three to four million women are spanked at home each year. Since many women are afraid of exposure, this number should be even higher.

The U.S. Department of Justice reports that approximately 2,000 women are murdered by their intimate partners each year.

Is the church a pure land?

When my husband found out that I had thrown away two pairs of his dirty and deformed antique shoes, he lost his temper and scolded me: "Crazy! A prodigal!" He picked up the plates on the table and flew them over one by one, smashing them into pieces. He still couldn't calm down. Then he raised the coffee table and hit me on the head. My four-year-old son was so frightened that he cried, "Don't hit my mother!" He probably used too much force and lost his balance. He and the coffee table fell down, and I escaped. One calamity.
∼Yingying, engineer, chairman of the fellowship. 2

Christians can't help but wonder. Domestic violence statistics are appalling. However, can churches that advocate "love your neighbor as yourself" survive and remain a pure land?

Christian women are abused no less than non-Christians. "Christianity Today Magazine" pointed out that the same is true for women of God, with one in four experiencing physical violence in their marriage. 3

The true story in the Chinese church mentioned above is just the tip of the iceberg. Al Miles, who serves as a chaplain at a large hospital in Hawaii, conducted in-depth interviews with fifty-two abused Christian women. What is even more shocking and heartbreaking is that: in church congregations, Sunday school teachers, choirs, In deacons and even on the pulpit, there are many men who beat, kick, threaten, curse, and rape their wives and partners. 4 When I looked from the pulpit during Sunday worship, I was shocked to find that there were both the abused and the abusers sitting there!

keep silent

Several times he choked me and suffocated me with pillows; he gnashed his teeth when he talked about my parents, and beat me if I defended my parents; he slapped me for the trivial matter of treating guests... I revealed my husband's violent habits to the elders , he thought that he was too young to deal with this problem, so he asked the priest to deal with it.

The pastor once said to the members: Family problems are the most difficult. It requires at least five visits for three hours each time, but it may not be effective. He came to visit once, talked with my husband and me late at night, and then stopped coming. That night, the pastor used the Bible to encourage me to treat my husband as the head of the family, obey him, and not talk back.

In addition, my enthusiastic cousin came from other states to pray for me; my brother also came to help coordinate. To be honest, although I was grateful for their love, it was of no help. I was the only one carrying this unbearable cross. , hold on hard.
∼Shengsheng, nurse, choir member.

Retired Pastor Robert S. Owens of the Presbyterian Church in the United States, like many pastors, has no idea about domestic violence. In the first thirty years of his ministry, he only dealt with two or three domestic violence incidents. Until his daughter came back to live with him after being abused. One day, his son-in-law suddenly appeared with a knife and started killing wildly. Not only was his daughter seriously injured, but he was also almost blind. The pain caused him to no longer avoid the crime of domestic violence.

After that, he raised the issue of domestic violence in church sermons and company prayer meetings. Unexpectedly, he received a dramatic response, with victims immediately asking for help and never stopped. Pastor Ou said that most victims of abuse are silent, ashamed to speak out, and unwilling to seek help from pastors. They worry that the pastor will take their husband's side, be criminalized, ostracized, or encourage them to stay in an abusive relationship. 5 Counselors at many domestic violence treatment centers bluntly say that the services provided by churches and families are the most hollow and ineffective. 6

Pastor Maier frankly pointed out that pastors’ lack of counseling equipment, insufficient knowledge about domestic violence, and lack of knowledge of readily available resources are the three main reasons why they are unable to teach their congregations, are unable to help victims, and avoid handling it.

God changed him?

His emotions were like a roller coaster, racing between extremes. In the middle of the night, he woke me up with a murderous look in his eyes and yelled at me for disobeying me.

After the storm, he transformed and became as gentle as a sheep. He also testified in the church: "I used to be self-centered, but now God has changed me and I am determined to love and care for my wife and daughter." Many people were moved to shake hands with him and comfort me. Rely on the Lord and give him more opportunities and time.
∼Taotao, housewife, prayer group member.

When a man testifies in front of the podium and says "God has changed him"; when the brothers and sisters in the audience applaud him and echo "Amen!" and "Glory to the Lord!"...

"Wait a minute -" the experienced Pastor Maier reminded: "I believe that any change in people's behavior is the power of God. However, to achieve healthy and lasting changes, such as losing weight or quitting smoking, it usually takes a difficult time. It’s a long road, and violence treatment is even more complex and difficult. The abuser must make a determined effort and commit to long-term efforts to successfully change.”

Under the persuasion of others quoting the Bible, the wife often struggles between the dilemma: Should she save her marriage and pay the price with her life? Or save your life and pay the price of divorce?

Some church leaders have stated: "When the church instructs a victimized woman to maintain a relationship with her abuser and continue to be submissive in marriage, the church has a responsibility to the victim (author's note: it means guaranteeing the safety of her life)."

In addition, a group of church leaders expressed their position more clearly: "We do not accept this misinterpretation of the Bible by some who quote Bible passages to support his personal abuse of his wife." 7

▲People regardless of nationality, shoulder to shoulder, appeal to the world: "Cherish our families!", "Peace starts from the family!", and also declare "zero" tolerance for domestic violence.

second hand injury

When I was a child, I once saw my father threatening my mother with a dagger... Oh, it was so scary! I can't describe this lingering scene, which often gives me nightmares. Whenever the relationship between my parents was tense, I would hold my cell phone, afraid to sleep, always ready to dial 911... In college, I was worried about the safety of my mother and younger brother, and was so worried that I couldn't concentrate in class... ∼Lang Lang, college student, Mu Fellow.

A Boston Medical Center study found that in one-third of cases where children claimed to have seen their fathers abusing their mothers, the parents denied it. It is estimated that approximately five million children witness violence against their mothers each year. 8

Just like people are harmed by second-hand smoke, children who live in violence witness frequent domestic violence and also suffer "second-hand harm" to their souls. They may exhibit the following problematic behaviors at the emotional, psychological and physical levels: 9

� Lack of concentration.
� Hyperactivity that interferes with learning and concentration.
� Slow learning.
� Sleep problems (nightmares, fear of falling asleep, bedwetting).
� Body aches (headaches, stomach ailments and stomachaches).
� Delayed language skills.
� Poor academic performance.
� Frequently absent from school (truant or sick).
� Dozing off in class.
� Sibling rivalry or pathological class conformity.

Give them a home

Next time, when you hear that weak signal for help and see that helpless look, it is the cry from the depths of the soul of those abused women and innocent children, don’t take it lightly!

Lord, be kind to me,
for I am in trouble;
My eyes were red and swollen from crying, and my body and mind were failing.
I'm like discarded trash. ⋯⋯
But I trust in you, Lord; you are my God.
(Psalm 31: 9-15, Modern Chinese Translation)

As a church that demonstrates the love of God, are you willing to accompany them to find a home that is safe, warm, and full of mutual respect?

【Note】
1. Miles, Al. Violence in Family, What Every Christian Needs to Know (Minneapolis:Augsburg,2002), 32.
2. The interviewees in this article, both husband and wife, are baptized Chinese Christians. To protect privacy, the names and plot have been modified appropriately.
3. http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2004/sepoct/11.68.html
4. Miles, Al. Domestic Violence, What Every Pastor Needs to Know (Fortress Press, 2000) 40.
5. Ibid., 155-157.
6. Clark, Ron. Setting the Captives Free, A Christian Theology for Domestic Violence (Eugene OR: Wipf & Stock, 2005) xxii-xxiii, 148-149.
7. Miles, Al. Violence in Family, What Every Christian Needs to Know. (Minneapolis: Augsburg, 2002.) 11.
8. Bancroft, When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse (New York: Putnam, 2004) 53.
9. Ibid., 76,145-146; and Boston Medical Center www.childwitnesstoviolence.org

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Recommended reading list

★"Stay away from violence and be sweet" "True Love Family Magazine" Issue 30, August 2006. (http://www.familykeepers.org/magazine/Archive/FK030/FK030.htm)
★Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Man. New York: Putnam, 2002.
★Clark, Ron. Setting the Captives Free, A Christian Theology for Domestic Violence.Eugene OR: Wipf & Stock, 2005.
★Miles, Al. Violence in Family, What Every Christian Needs to Know. Minneapolis: Augsburg, 2002.

Author profile

Yi Wei, a housewife living in grace. My heart aches when I write this topic, and I am willing to use my pen to speak for the humble and speak out for the weak. Coffee, the sound of rain on the eaves, and classical music are my favorites in simple life.