coffee or poison
Office affair scan
Thoughts are like seeds, reveries are like warm sun and rain,
Every encounter and every conversation becomes a gentle breeze.
The more they get along with each other, the better they feel about each other. The stimulation of "falling in love" makes the person involved even more addicted to it...
The world is like this, and Christians are not immune?
Everything starts with that cup of coffee.
One day, Meimei walked into the lounge to get a cup of coffee, and unexpectedly met Bai Wei from another department. His polite attitude left a good impression on Mei Mei.
A few weeks later, Meimei met Bai Wei by chance in the restaurant of the hotel where she was staying on a business trip, and thought it would be nice to have someone to eat with her. During the conversation, it was discovered that both of them were passionate about coffee, and they had a lot of discussions.
A few days later, Meimei walked into the lounge again to get a cup of coffee, and found that Bai Wei was also there. He took out a small jar and said, "Here! These are the best coffee beans I think. You can try them!"
After that, Meimei and Baiwei often "ran into each other" in the lounge. Baiwei's positive work attitude and outlook on life encouraged Meimei; he also always noticed Meimei's dressing and complimented her. She began to look forward to meeting Bai Wei, and sometimes she couldn't help but smile when she thought of him.
The company's personnel changed. Although Meimei was saved from being fired, she was demoted in disguise, which made her full of grievances. What she longed for most at this time was to be comforted by Bai Wei. So she sent a text message.
"Let's have a cup of coffee after get off work, okay?"
"no problem."
That afternoon Bai Wei went to the appointment, and across the coffee, Meimei finally couldn't hold back her tears. Bai Wei naturally sat next to her, hugged her gently, and let her cry bitterly...
Love is a heartache feeling
How will the relationship between Meimei and Baiwei develop? Maybe it will be the beginning of a warm love! What if it is the case that "the king has a wife and Luofu has a husband"? Couldn't a cup of coffee become poison to each other's marriage?
Fred Humphrey used the term "Cup-of-coffee syndrome" to label this type of extramarital affair: sharing a cup of coffee through a chance encounter leads to acquaintance and familiarity between the parties, which leads to mutual attraction. The ending of Bu Shang's emotional derailment was unexpected at the time.
With the changes in social and economic patterns, dual-income families in which both husband and wife work outside the home have become the norm. Not only are there more opportunities for men and women to come into contact outside of marriage, but the lines of defense between men and women are also becoming increasingly blurred. What’s more, today’s companies are all about teamwork, with male and female colleagues working together on a certain project. We spent a long time together during the process, experienced stress and difficulties together, and also shared the joy of completing the task together.
The dinner at the end of work allows the serious professional relationship between colleagues to relax a little and cultivates the camaraderie of comrades. If married men and women have the opportunity to be alone together, complaining to each other and showing their weak sides, it will undoubtedly open a secret path to the depths of their hearts, just like Meimei and Baiwei in the story.
Writer Shi Hengtan once lamented: "Love is a feeling of heartache." Indeed, the words and actions of comfort and appreciation between colleagues of the opposite sex convey love far beyond the care and encouragement needed to achieve work goals, and are enough to stimulate one party's emotions. I even feel as if I have found a spiritual soulmate. The distance between hearts is getting closer, admiration arises spontaneously, eager to get to know each other better, and look forward to more time together.
Perhaps at this point, the parties involved have not yet thought of betraying the engagement. Unexpectedly, thoughts are like seeds, reveries are like warm sunshine and rain, and every encounter and every conversation becomes a gentle breeze that encourages growth. The more they get along with each other, the better they feel about each other. The excitement of "falling in love" makes the person involved become more addicted to it. Once one party loses control and throws ethics and beliefs aside, a further intimate relationship will develop. As a result, office extramarital affairs broke out one after another in companies large and small.
If the world is like this, what about Christians?
Christians can also sin
Jackie Kendall, who has been engaged in marriage counseling for many years, put it bluntly: "Christians are human, and humans will sin." She and her husband Ken Kendall founded "Power to Grow Ministries" , giving lectures across the United States. They have seen and heard many examples of Christians falling into extramarital affairs in the office, many of which even occurred in evangelical institutions and churches.
One of Jackie's best girlfriends, Lili, serves as the church secretary. She is single and has been praying for her future spouse. One day the pastor walked into her office and mentioned with a lonely expression that he was not getting along with his wife. As a good Christian, she immediately responded: "I will pray for you." A few days later, she asked the pastor again, sincerely hoping that the couple could reconcile. The pastor was moved by her concern and became the person to whom he confided.
This back-and-forth "care" ignited passion, and Lili became "another woman." The pastor's marriage was ruined, years of service and faith testimony collapsed. Lili became pregnant out of wedlock and faced one difficulty after another.
This office affair is not unique. According to a survey of 300 pastors by Christianity Today magazine, 23% of them had engaged in inappropriate intimacy with someone other than their spouse. Another survey also noted that 14% of pastors admitted to not filling out questionnaires honestly. Based on this, some people boldly speculate that the rate of marital unfaithfulness among pastors may be close to 40%. 1
These data are not presented for the purpose of sensationalism, but rather for the hope that believers will face up to this problem: even the "good" Christians in everyone's minds are not immune to extramarital affairs.
Is there nothing we can do because we are not immune?
For Jackie, her friend's experience made her firmly believe in the importance of strengthening the marriage wall, because as long as there is a slight crack and the foundation is slightly shaken, it can easily become a breach.
Teacher Liu Yongling, who has been engaged in family ministry for many years, often leads couples camps with her husband Guo Yuanping in various places in America and Asia. From the cases she came into contact with, Yongling deeply lamented that too many people ignored the importance of putting effort into managing their marriage. She suggested that you should always reflect on whether you have any "cross-border" thoughts or behaviors in your interactions with others. When we are on guard in our hearts and remain vigilant, even if it is an emotional relationship as subtle as an extramarital affair in the office, the reminder of the Holy Spirit will be like a warning yellow light, allowing us to stop at the brink.
Build a wall to protect your marriage
Psychologist Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. has been working as a marriage and family therapist for many years. She has conducted in-depth research into the causes and effects of extramarital affairs, and has assisted many couples in the recovery of their relationships. In her book "Not "Just Friends", she pointed out that the proportion of wives who had extramarital affairs with work partners increased from 38% to 50% in twenty years; the number of husbands with extramarital affairs was with work partners. The proportion of partners is as high as 62%. 2
From her observations and research, she found that in the beginning of these cheating relationships, both parties were "just friends." How to develop from "friends" to "lovers"? Are there any boundaries on the slippery slope of "more than just friends"?
Communication can be roughly divided into five levels: nodding hello, exchanging information, sharing opinions, expressing feelings, and sharing deep fears and preferences. The deeper the level of communication, the deeper the emotional involvement, and the deeper it goes to the bottom of the heart.When a husband or wife has richer and closer conversations with other members of the opposite sex than their spouse, and is more willing to express their emotions, they are already teetering on the edge of "emotional affair."
Ge Xueli compared the committed marriage relationship like this: husband and wife build a wall together to resist all external forces that may destroy their relationship. They share a window to the outside world, and they both look out through this open and honest window. Couples form a united front and face different relationships such as children, in-laws, and friends together.
Once unfaithfulness occurs, whether it is an emotional affair or extramarital sex, it will corrode the wall that protects the marriage. Hiding lies and secrets about an affair is tantamount to erecting another wall that separates the spiritual union between husband and wife, and at the same time opening another window of intimacy to a third party. Husband and wife are no longer one, and the closest spouse is now isolated. 3
Jackie Ko of "Growth Power" advises couples to strive to meet the physical, mental and spiritual needs of their spouses. The wife gives her husband respect and recognition, and the husband pays thoughtful care and love to his wife. Save your sweet words and sincere compliments for your spouse. When two people are satisfied within the walls of marriage, external temptations will not be so attractive.
Drawing non-negotiable lines
However, doesn’t the Bible require Christians to “speak good things that build people up”? Shouldn’t Christians in the workplace care about their colleagues?
Precisely because friendship is rare and hard to find in the workplace, sincere care is more likely to impress people. But Jackie firmly believes that there are lines between words of encouragement and concern. When a coworker of the opposite sex brings up problems in their relationship with their spouse, don’t dwell on it. Details can only satisfy our curiosity, but they can also make people feel connected and even cause them to express their dissatisfaction with their spouse. Once we express our feelings to each other and have a feeling of "sympathizing with each other," it can easily turn into "mutually supporting each other."
She suggested that Christians should avoid one-on-one care between opposite sexes in the workplace, and she even disapproved of men and women praying alone. Jackie has many opportunities to tutor professional baseball players, and she always tries to accompany her husband. If he is unable to attend, she also holds tutoring sessions in public places.
She reminded the sisters to pay attention to their motherhood. For example, when they hear others complain, they naturally want to take care of and comfort them. They don't know that this is putting themselves in an emotional dam. As soon as the gate is relaxed, the fierce water flow cannot be stopped by willpower.
KRC Couples Camp Lecturer Liu Yongling emphasized the importance of prevention beforehand, and set up "safety rules" for dealings with the opposite sex in the workplace to prevent the relationship between colleagues and co-workers from heating up and giving opportunities for the temptation of extramarital affairs (refer to the box "Married men and women" Safety rules for getting along with the opposite sex").
Yongling also proposed some practical and feasible methods when traveling with colleagues of the opposite sex. For example, it is not necessary to row seats together when traveling on an airplane. After arriving at the hotel, try your best to enter the room by yourself. If sisters are unable to carry their luggage alone, they can ask the hotel attendant for assistance. Avoid dining alone with members of the opposite sex, and first think about your excuses: "I need to call my family." Or: "I feel tired and don't want to go out to eat." This can also show that you value your marriage and do not give the opposite sex any room for imagination. .
In addition to setting boundaries in words and deeds, the same applies to clothing and decoration.
Some people say that a woman’s weakness is her ears and a man’s weakness is his eyes. It may be difficult for sisters to imagine how their clothing might trigger a reaction in men. Ke Jieqi even called for: sanctify your wardrobe! Who doesn’t want to look great and get compliments? But before you shop for work clothes, consider this: What impression do I want to make on my colleagues? Do I want others to value my appearance or my abilities?
Internet communication is convenient and seems to facilitate communication between people. However, if they are not used carefully and clear boundaries are established, they can still cause harm to a marriage. The emergence of the term "communication affair" is evidence of this.
Through Facebook and other social networking sites, it has become increasingly easy for people to find an old flame they have lost contact with for many years, or to have a medium with colleagues to discuss "non-official matters." No matter they are far apart or close at hand, the online virtual world not only hides their true identities, but also creates an illusory intimacy. This kind of chat can become deeper and deeper. The person involved felt that "we are just chatting anyway, and it is impossible to have an intimate relationship", and allowed the conversation to enter into deep communication, and even flirting and provocative words appeared.
Both Yongling and Jackie think so: emails and text messages need to be transparent to your spouse.
Jackie shares an office with her husband, Dawny, and most of the time she receives and sends emails, her husband is nearby. Dawny received a letter of thanks from the young girl and asked Jackie to respond and presented her with a copy of "Lady in Waiting" written by Jackie.
Yongling suggested adding greetings to the other party's spouse and family in the email, extending personal friendship to family friendship, and informing the other party that your spouse also understands the content of the messages exchanged between the two parties.
There is still new life after detoxification
Office affairs, whether they involve extramarital sex or not, usually develop over a period of time and therefore involve deep emotions. Likewise, getting out of it also requires a process. Pastor Dave Carder has been in charge of the counseling ministry of the First Free Evangelical Church in Fullerton, California for many years. In his book "Torn Asunder", he proposed several recovery steps. 4
‧leave:No more contact with the affair partner.
‧Distinguish:What is the attraction to an affair partner? What needs do you have that are not being met in your marriage?
‧public:Love is no longer allowed to hide deep in the heart. Once such emotions arise, you need to be honest with professional counselors and your spouse.
‧notes:Keeping turbulent emotions in the dark only encourages the forces that control the darkness within. Recording it is like opening the window to the darkroom.
‧replace:Developing hobbies and interests to divert attention, such as sports, crafts, or spiritual growth exercises, are all possible ways.
‧Condolences:Even if the affair is a betrayal, the person involved has invested considerable thought, time and emotion, and the termination of the relationship will definitely bring about a sense of loss. Only by facing this feeling squarely can we deal with our emotions and see our original confusion.
Liu Yongling also emphasized the importance of seeking professional counseling. Simply reciting the word "forgiveness" to suppress and deny emotions is undoubtedly like putting a small piece of gauze on the wound, which can only cover the traces but cannot eradicate the pus and blood inside. The sooner you receive counseling, the sooner you can get over the pain.
Office affairs, like other extramarital relationships, can be extremely damaging not only to a marriage, but also to our relationship with God. However, is there no room for redemption in this deep and wide relationship gap?
When we confess our sins, God promises forgiveness and reconciliation through the cross. God can make a way in the wilderness and create rivers in the desert. He can also repair a damaged marriage and give new life.
The next time you drink coffee with your colleagues of the opposite sex, please try it briefly, arm yourself first, and be determined to walk in the light, so as not to let this cup of coffee become poison that damages your marriage.
Notes
1. Dave Carder, Torn Asunder —Recovering from an Extramarital Affair, Moody Publishers, 2008. P.24-25.
2. Shirley P. Glass, Not “Just Friends”—Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity, Free Press, 2003. P.2.
3. Not “Just Friends”, P.25.
4. Torn Asunder, P.256-257.
Safety rules for married men and women getting along with the opposite sex
(Couple Guo Yuanping & Liu Yongling, marriage lecture notes)
1. Do not meet, drink coffee (tea), dine or ride in a car alone with members of the opposite sex. Avoid having members of the opposite sex visit you alone when your spouse is not at home.
2. Do not share the difficulties and privacy of your marriage with the opposite sex.
3. Do not flirt with the opposite sex, including body and language.
4. Do not counsel or counsel members of the opposite sex alone, except in a professional and open office.
5. Do not exchange emails, send cards or have in-depth sharing on the phone with the opposite sex alone. It is best for couples to face this situation together.
6. You are responsible for meeting your spouse's emotional and sexual needs.
7. Do not browse pornographic websites or videos alone or with members of the opposite sex. Couples should discuss and face this temptation together.
8. You are responsible for maintaining good communication skills and conflict resolution principles with your spouse.
9. If a couple cannot resolve a problem, they need to seek professional help. 10. Treat marriage as a career and invest more time and money in your spouse.