twists and turns

The road of life turns without warning

Sometimes people can go to the mountains and seas without traveling and learn about some of the geographical locations and landscapes in life. It is an adventure of inner landscape, through listening to life.

Therefore, when my husband Yonghao and I learned that he had bladder cancer in the spring of 2019, we asked God about His will and learned to listen.

To be honest, at first, the disease wasn’t too loud because we basically “didn’t take it seriously.” When they got the "bad news" in the doctor's office, no bombs went off inside, and the smiles didn't fade from either of their faces. We seem to be listening to Yonghao's calmness about "pulling out a tooth". Maybe it was because when Yong Hao had a cystoscopy and found the tumor, the doctor simply said: "It's very early stage and requires surgery."

Therefore, we feel that there is no "necessary evil" to worry about. Also because Yonghao is about to retire, it is better to resolve his illness as soon as possible. What's more, he felt no pain, the operation time was short, and he didn't need to be hospitalized, which made people feel that it was "not too serious."

However, during the pre-operative consultation, another doctor, faced with our calmness, very seriously corrected our attitude and said, "We never do cosmetic surgeries. Anyone who is pulled into the operating room is doing it for real." "It's about dealing with real problems." We find it a bit incredible. He looked at the records on the computer and said, "The treatment that needs to be done is surgery to deal with the cancer cells. In addition to removing the tumors, drugs similar to chemotherapy must be put in to prevent them from growing again."

The air in the room started to get a little colder, and Yonghao smiled softly and replied: "This makes me a little shocked!" As usual, I wanted to understand the situation through reading, so I asked the doctor for some relevant literature and flipped through it. When I opened the door and saw the introduction of several types of bladder cancer, I pointed to Yonghao and asked Yonghao which one it was. He pointed to one of them and said, "This is what I saw that day!" A papillary tumor that looks like a small flower.

We asked again with luck: "The tumor looked very small during the examination, so it should be in the early stage, right?" The answer was again: "Not necessarily. Not all tumors can be seen with the naked eye. Usually there are still some parts of the tumor. The depth is long, and you can only tell which phase it is by looking at how deep it goes down.”

After I left the doctor's office, I started sending text messages to co-workers at Chuangwen (Genesis Text Training Bookstore), the church's prayer group, my brother from East America, and my two children, asking for prayers. At the same time, we adjust our mentality. How should we proceed? Because the information about bladder cancer shows that more than 90% is malignant.

▲Condolences and prayers came in overwhelmingly. Intense love, like a net covering them from all sides, subverted Mo Fei and Du Yonghao's attitude towards "seeking healing".

I never thought about "resisting the decree" and seeking medical treatment.

In the first half of my life, I was always frail and sickly. After giving birth to a child, she lost her uterus due to hemorrhage. Three years later, my body collapsed and I was bedridden for half a year. I have reflected on life and death in front of God many times, and I have reached the point where I am willing to obey and let go and go back to heaven, completely "looking away". Therefore, I am a bit "submissive" to any disease, and I am ready to "hit the road" back to heaven at any time.

Yonghao’s attitude towards illness is because the church has had several seriously ill patients over the years, all of whom are our very dear brothers and sisters. Witnessing the pain they went through, it was very painful to empathize with them. Now that he learned the news, Yonghao's response was "This is only fair." The implication seems to be that "it's his turn." Therefore, when we pray before God, we ask for the strength needed to endure this disease. The last thing we think about is to "resist the decree" and ask for healing.

But my friend Ruixin has a different voice. She sent me a private message: "Christians do not have the right to be exempt from the cycle of birth, old age, illness and death, but in the intimate relationship with Abba, I have to put aside my objective perceptions and pray subjectively and honestly for Him to bring us surprise and complete healing. If it’s what we want, let’s ask boldly!” This is not at all in our thinking. From blood and urine tests to cystoscopy, all the directions make us accept the reality. Different developments are a bit difficult for me to imagine? Therefore, I replied to her: "I want to learn this, because I have always been very obedient. I rarely ask for healing, but mostly accept it."

Two days before the surgery, I wrote an article "The Rain is Coming" to share with Chuangwen co-workers. The day I posted the article on WeChat happened to be the day of Yonghao's surgery. As a result, the response exceeded my expectations, and condolences and prayers came in overwhelmingly from people I knew and didn’t know. Some people also helped us forward the article to the prayer website of our church, especially the co-workers of Chuangwen who prayed every hour throughout the entire process before and after the surgery. That kind of close love was like a net covering it from all directions, which made us feel that this disease seemed a bit unworthy. Such deep love?

Many people say that the Internet is virtual, but this time we truly feel that the Internet is like a community. The warmth is so real and warm, making us feel deeply loved and embraced. A sister in Chengdu messaged me privately: "It is not easy for the Lord to train His servants!" I replied: "This statement is not correct. The sun shines on good people and bad people. Diseases can happen to anyone. He is just a servant of God." She replied: "Yes, but when a servant of God gets sick, I still feel a little sad, even though I know that the Lord has good intentions." This is her thoughtfulness and heartache.

▲When Mo Fei and his husband Du Yonghao faced an unexpected illness, they asked God about His thoughts, learned to listen, and thought about how to continue "our story" together.

Continue "our story"

However, what needs to be faced still needs to be faced. All the information I read mentioned the percentage of patient survival. Although bladder cancer has a relatively high survival rate among cancers, the "five years" and "ten years" that pop into your eyes are still quite eye-catching. These are specific numbers. Suddenly I thought, "Please teach us how to number our days" (Psalm 90:12). The English word for "number" used in it is "to number our days." Does this mean that "our story" is finalized? I told Yonghao that from now on we should be "tied together" and enter and exit together on all important occasions.

At this stage, the main focus is on medical treatment and treatment. I want to help listen, ask questions, and make decisions. But in the coming years, how can we live a life that is "tied together" in a meaningful way? Are the two of them living together and cherishing each other? Or do we still have to serve with "Chuangwen" sandwiched between us? Is God’s intention for us to be faithful to the end? Or do you have mercy on us and give us a chance to rest, retreat to the mountains and rivers, and take care of ourselves after working non-stop for the ministry in the past ten years?

Over the years, we have gone to Mount Emei and Mount Huang. During the mountain climbing, he helped me when I fell, and I helped him when he fell. When we went to Israel, he drove the car and I looked at the map. Every time I look down at the picture, he misses an exit. We went to Jordan to see the ancient city of Petra Valley, a world heritage site. The loess mountain road made our feet weak. On the way back, he grabbed me and carried me back like a chicken. Going to Guilin, the two held hands and took a boat trip on the lake. In Yangshuo, he took me on a motorcycle tour to the "Ten Mile Gallery"...

As you can imagine, I'm a little bit in the mood for it, and I think it would be great to see the two of us go back to being single, dating, and living a full-time life as a Condor Heroes traveling around the world. But when I asked Yonghao, he only had one version of "our" story, which was to continue serving in Chuangwen, and "we have to do it more urgently because time is running out." This thought seems to have determined "our" future path. We will serve in Chuangwen until we are 70 years old or return to heaven, whichever comes first.

What happens after he leaves? It seems hard for me to imagine how "I" will go in the future? I sincerely pray to God not to let me go back to heaven so long apart from Yonghao. Without him, I don't seem to have a way to survive.

▲Mo Fei and his husband Du Yonghao support each other in service and life.

Gradually learn the way out of adversity

I dug out the book "Bring Me the Sunset in a Cup" that I read many years ago. It was written by Chen Yong, a Taiwanese author with a PhD in Christian literature who studied in the United States (Taiwan Mainstream Publishing). I read it in one sitting this time. Many years ago, I couldn't bear to read Chen Yong's description of the six years between his illness and his death. I felt that no matter how humorous the writing was, it would still be a tragedy (Chen Yong's writing style has always been clever, clever, and humorous).

When I read it again this time, I seemed to suddenly understand. It turned out that this is how the death of a spouse passed away. Due to medical needs at the end of his illness, his spouse had to move from home to a small apartment, and then from the small apartment to a nursing building. The husband and wife were separated in two places. Every day, the wife came to the nursing building to wash her husband's hands without using his hands. Even if I have to push a wheelchair when I go out, I still try my best to enjoy the hardships. Then in the process of taking care of your spouse, you may also get cancer...

This time I seemed to have parted the curtain of sadness and entered, and found that Chen Yong pointed out to me a way to live in adversity. What is impressive is their attitude towards the disease, how calmly they deal with it. Her husband taught Sunday school all his life and retired only when his health was no longer sustainable. After getting into a wheelchair, he still never stopped partying. Chen Yong still appreciates the beauty in life. After moving to a small apartment, she still spends Christmas time decorating a Christmas tree at the door of her fourth-floor apartment, in front of the glass window visible to everyone, to decorate the world.

Although they are a couple in need, they still have a scholarly sense of humor. Chen Yong described their days as "execution inch by inch." She said: "The reason why they never fell down in shock and died mid-battle is because of the word "inch by inch" in the word "inch by inch". The road is to be walked step by step inch by inch. Is it healthy? It's not like picking up things day by day; when they really can't pick them up, crows will come down from the sky one by one, carrying biscuits and meat in their mouths to feed them." In this way, she and her husband met and walked, pushing against the current.

There is another important life attitude that I can learn from the book, which is that when Chen Yong was serving his husband, he discovered that he also had cancer. She immediately sent a prayer email, asking everyone to pray for her to "refuse to feel sorry for herself and never give in." I also read that they were grateful for many small things in their lives, including the fact that their husband was admitted to a nursing ward with a window facing the garden downstairs.

She mentioned that the couple often took turns reciting scriptures and were very familiar with God’s words. I believe this is a pillar of their inner life. Chen Yong described, "The scriptures are no longer family heirlooms used for dressing up and performing, but are valuable as pawns and used as emergency supplies; unknowingly, they have turned into the firewood, rice, oil and salt we use to survive." Various narratives, It's like the "last chapter" before returning to heaven provides me with a pair of binoculars to watch how others have gone through and learn the path I may take.

After understanding for the first time that "there is no way out when the mountains and rivers are exhausted", in fact there is still a way. After "we", there is also the possibility of "I". There are always twists and turns in life. From being unable to imagine in the past to being able to imagine a little bit, this may be the progress I have made in the past few days.

▲God enlightened Mo Fei with scriptures during her morning devotions and responded to her questions.

Surprised but confused

However, just when I was trying to find a foothold on this road for myself, I suddenly received a call from Yonghao's family physician, saying that he had just received a pathology report that showed that the tumor was "benign". He was afraid that we would be worried, so he rushed Please call me on the weekend.

This made me feel like I had missed the mark again. What's going on? Yonghao happened to go for a walk with his father. After I came back, I told him this somewhat shocking news. His first reaction was also: "Did the doctor cut the wrong place for testing? Didn't the tumor get found?"

In the end what happened? Did we hear it wrong at first? I looked through the prayer messages I had sent when I received the news before the operation, and checked with Yonghao over and over again what I heard in the doctor’s office before the operation, the messages I received from the surgeon after the operation, and Yonghao’s description of what he saw with his own eyes. to tumors detected by cystoscopy. All records show that this newly received news has caused our lives to be "flopped" again!

If we are not mistaken, or is Yonghao suffering from the lucky 10% benign tumor? Or does it mean that we experienced a miracle of complete healing? As mentioned before, everyone’s responses to Yong Hao’s illness made us feel deeply unworthy. Well, now that I am pleasantly surprised by this "pardon", I feel even more guilty, as if I "cannot explain" to the brothers and sisters who are sick.

I thought of my friend Ruixin’s prayer: “Pray that He will bring us surprises.” I also thought of Chuangwen co-worker Xiao Lin’s prayer, “Let the results be completely in the hands of the Lord and become part of the beautiful plan. The results will be good!” and Chuangwen co-workers. The workers prayed in relay every hour, as well as the prayers from students and friends from all over the world... It turns out that prayer really has the power to change things? !

In the past, I did not deny the theory of healing miracles, but this time I experienced it personally and it felt incredible, but there is no excuse for it. However, life has taken several big turns in such a short period of time. The first turn seems to be easier, and we have no objection to accepting cancer. And why does this second big turn make me feel less at ease? Or do all miracles make people feel uneasy?

Ask God for words, otherwise I would not know how to share this good news with my co-workers. This has been my habit for the past few years. Before God gave me words, I would remain silent. Yet this is also a strange reaction, isn't it? When it comes to bad things, I can immediately send text messages to ask for prayers without thinking about them. Why do I think twice about good things? It really lives up to the Chinese saying, "Good things don't go out." With such a close co-worker and such great news, I have no words to share it with. torment!

Suddenly enlightened, running on the road to heaven

I stayed up until the morning when I had to write weekly prayer letters with my co-workers. I got up early and went to God to ask, "O God! Why am I afraid of sharing the good news these days?"

God enlightened me, but I was afraid of misleading others. It is easier to share the specific mental journey you have gone through when facing illness. But it’s a bit unclear to share the benefits of being cured of illness and turning danger into safety. I was afraid that my interpretation would become a “human interpretation” and would not truly bear witness to God.

However, in the early morning devotional scriptures, two things suddenly appeared, as if God was responding to my questions:

Jesus said to them again, "Truly I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the kingdom of God coming with power." (Mark 9:1)

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33)

In addition, there is also a question that I didn’t ask when I first found out I was sick, but I want to ask now: “Why us?” Although I am really happy in my heart, I also feel deeply unworthy. What we can think of is that God’s healing of us should not be out of preference, but because we still have unfinished work. Perhaps, as Paul said in Philippians, it is more important that God remains forever for the purpose of creation? Allowing him to still live in the world will enable Creation students to grow in the faith and be happy? That their joy in Christ Jesus may increase all the more because of our coming again? (Refer to Philippians 1:25)

In just over a week, our lives have experienced one small earthquake after another, which has shaken our vigilance and inner scenery of life, our expectations for writing "our story" for the rest of our lives, and our further understanding of God's will. Speculate.

So, what was the loudest thing we heard from this experience? It seems that it is not a disease, but God’s intention for us and the love of our brothers and sisters for us, so loud and clear.

The winding roads lead to long streams, the clouds are soft and the mountains are quiet.

Could it be, writer, director of "Genesis Literary Training Bookstore", specializes in promoting literary and cultural vision for the Kingdom of God, cultivating and shepherding literary workers. He has authored four books in the literature ministry series and more than ten books of novels and essays. He has won the 2012 Tang Qing Literary Award, multiple Taiwan United Press Literary Prose Awards, and the Mainland Bing Xin Literary Award.