I finally put on my first skirt

Interview/Shi Lingyu

▲On Thanksgiving Day in 2014, she put on the first dress that belonged to her in her life and regained her status as a daughter of God. She often thought: "God has taken care of such a difficult person like me, so what else is difficult in life?"

Bullied as a child

I was born in Hunan Province. My family was poor when I was a child, and my parents were honest farmers. Traditional rural families have always valued boys over girls. When my mother was pregnant with me, she thought it was a boy, but she was disappointed when the baby was born.

Grandma asked mother to live with her aunt and uncle to avoid family planning, and she gave birth to a younger brother. My brother is only one year younger than me. When we fought when we were young, my mother would only punish me. I would take out my anger on my brother and never show mercy.

My childhood was filled with experiences of being bullied.

The first person who bullied me was my primary school teacher. The teacher would punch and kick his students at every turn, and it was common for him to "serve" them with bamboo sticks. Unfortunately, I was in his class in first and fourth grade. The memory of being beaten in the first grade is a bit fuzzy. In the fourth grade, I still remember him grabbing my head and banging it against the wall and table all day long. Under this teacher's abuse, I began to fear going to school and worried about being beaten every day. I had no intention of studying at all, which also caused my academic performance to plummet. This teacher taught me the first grade, which caused me to repeat the first grade; he taught me the fourth grade, and I repeated the fourth grade again.

What shame and inferiority! At that time, I hated myself, hated myself, and felt that I was the most useless person in the world, worthless and redundant.

The second person who bullied me was my fifth-grade male classmate. We were assigned by height to sit at the same long table. The male classmate drew a dividing line on the table and stool. If I accidentally crossed the dividing line with my hand, he would prick me with the pencil in his hand. One time, I didn't have time to react, and he pricked me hard, leaving a deep black spot on the back of my hand where it was pricked. This black spot still exists today. Many years have passed since then, and I have forgotten the names of many of my elementary school classmates, but I can’t forget his name.

▲Having been bullied by teachers and classmates since childhood, and repeatedly beaten mercilessly by her mother, the interviewee felt ashamed and low self-esteem and felt worthless.

Repeatedly beaten mercilessly by mother

You may ask me, why didn’t I tell my mother when I got home when I was bullied at school? Our family values boys over girls. My sister is at the top of her class in schoolwork, which makes her mother happy. My brother also has good grades, and I, caught in the middle, seem to be the only one who gets scolded and beaten.

When I was a child, my family was poor, and eggs were rare treasures. My mother loved my younger brother more. Every time she burned firewood, she would wrap an egg in a newspaper, wet it, and bury it in the fire to roast it for my younger brother to eat. One time when my mother buried eggs for my brother again, I said I wanted to eat them too. Not only did she refuse to eat, but she also took a small stick with sparks that was used to grill the fire and cover the eggs, and burned it on my lips. At that moment, I felt my lips were burning, and the blisters were swollen. After this incident, no one said a word to comfort me, and no one blamed my mother.

This branding not only branded the blisters on my lips, but also branded the hatred for my mother in my heart. My attitude towards her completely changed. As long as she hit me and scolded me, not only would I not cry, but I would become even more violent. I would also hit and scold me in return, and I would often confront her. She hurt her brother, and I hated my brother and beat him.

I was bullied at school since I was a child, and I didn't feel the love of my parents at home. As a result, I was extremely lacking in self-confidence and lost my way emotionally. I didn't know how to love and be loved.

Falling in love with a female classmate

One thing that is certain is that I have liked girls since I was a child and have had feelings for many girls.

When I was a sophomore in high school, there was a girl who I always got tired of hanging out with. She planned to take the physical education college entrance examination. In order to be with her, I also decided to take the physical education college entrance examination. On the playground, I helped her press her legs and stretch her tendons. Although the training was quite hard, I felt very happy. She regards me as a good friend and a good sister, but I silently regard her as my lover in my heart. Whichever boy is nice to her makes me feel uncomfortable and reminds her that she should study hard and not fall in love at this time, but my thoughts and thoughts are all on her.

When I was a sophomore in college, I fell in love with Y, who was my roommate. She broke up with her boyfriend who was a crew member just a year ago and her mood hit rock bottom. I showed up at the right time and took care of her, helping her buy lunch boxes, wash lunch boxes, occupy seats, etc. She likes to eat red grapes, so I would take a special trip to a supermarket far away from school just to buy a bunch of grapes for her. Gradually she seems to be inseparable from my care.

One time I delivered a lunch box to her residence at noon, and she left me there for a lunch break. When we were lying on the bed together, I couldn't help but kiss her and she didn't resist. I remember that my heart almost jumped out of my chest at the time. I was both excited and ecstatic but also scared and nervous. From then on we acquiesced in that relationship.

I know very well that this relationship is fruitless. Sure enough, we broke up after graduating from college. At that time, I was so heartbroken that I wanted to commit suicide. I considered various ways to commit suicide: lying on the train, jumping off a building, jumping into a river, or taking medicine. But then I thought that if I really succeeded in committing suicide, the media would report that I died of homosexuality, which would discredit my parents and embarrass them. This is absolutely not what I want. So I chose to leave home and go north.

▲The painful growth process made the interviewees lose their way on the emotional road and did not know how to love and be loved.

Learn to forgive in true love

I went to Beijing alone because I wanted to start a new life.

I joined a trading company and the interviewer happened to be a fellow from Hunan. The owner of the company is a Christian, and he promotes a Christian leadership culture in the company. Under the influence, I made a decision to pray in 2009 and accepted Jesus as my personal savior. Two years later, I was baptized and became a Christian.

After I believed in the Lord, my temper and personality did not immediately change 180 degrees, but subconsciously I knew that when faced with the same things, I would think differently than before, because I had the Bible as a standard and it became my principle of action. For example, I used to think that as long as two people are happy and love each other, marriage does not necessarily require a man and a woman. After I believed in the Lord, I realized that marriage was established by God, is sacred, and is composed of a man and a woman. In addition, no one taught me how to be an upright and forgiving person in the past. There were no good role models around me. I remember that when I first read the story of Joseph in the Bible, I was shocked on the spot. For a person like me who always retaliates and retaliates, I couldn’t imagine how Joseph could forgive his brothers.

In 2013, I joined a church group and spent a year participating in all the church’s formation courses. I am very grateful to the group leader for never leaving me and helping me adjust my life pace and listen to the voice of God in just one year. In the process, my life has undergone qualitative changes.

The sharing in the group that year can be divided into three stages as life changes. In the first stage, I mostly listened quietly to others' sharing. When I entered the second stage, I was gradually able to open up to myself, but almost every time I opened my mouth to share, I cried. The caring group leader would prepare a box of tissues in advance and hand them to me at any time. By the third stage, my sharing had become a testimony of joy and victory. The Holy Spirit helped me learn the lesson of forgiveness and forgive my mother, teachers and classmates who had hurt me in the past.

Restoration of identity as daughter of God

On Thanksgiving Day 2014, I put on my first dress of my own and resumed my status as a daughter of God. I am very grateful to the small group leaders in the church and other family members in the spiritual family. They know my past experiences, but they never reject me. They always tolerate me, accept me, and affirm me with the full love of Christ.

Looking back, sometimes I look at old photos from the past and can hardly believe that it was me.

Growing up, I never had a skirt of my own.

When I was a child, I liked to play with boys, climbing trees to dig out bird eggs, and going to the fields to touch snails and catch loaches. I knew all of them. Girls played skipping rope, knitted scarves, and tied beautiful braids, but I couldn’t do any of them. From my hairstyle and clothing to my words and deeds, I look like a boy.

When I entered the society after graduating from college, there were always people who kept trying to persuade me: "You have to change your appearance. A girl should look like a girl and be gentler." They would help me put on eyeliner, eye shadow, and lipstick, and they would ask me to wear high heels. Even growing his hair long. I have tried all these things and made up my mind to do them, but they all failed. The change in appearance was too uncomfortable and awkward for me, so I chose to give up.

As the saying goes: "A state of affairs is easy to change, but a person's nature is hard to change." My relationship with my family has never been good, especially with my mother. No matter how long they haven't seen each other, they always quarrel when they meet: she scolds me for being willful, unfilial, and ungrateful; I blame everything on her, who has favored boys over girls since childhood, beat me, scolded me, and looked down on me. Every time I see a mother and daughter hugging and loving each other, I feel envious, thinking that I may never have a close relationship with my mother in this life.

What is impossible with men is possible with God! He can change your past, present and future. As long as you are willing to give the sovereignty of your life to God, He will be responsible to the end. In Christ, my heart has changed, my thinking has changed, and my life has also changed. The relationship with my family has improved bit by bit, and the outside has also changed.

Completely cut off the past

After breaking up with my college roommate Y, I have been unable to forget her. The days when we were intimate and affectionate together always come to mind when I dream back at midnight. I masturbate every time I think about her. After believing in the Lord, I still cannot control myself. Just like Paul said in Romans 7, it is up to me to intend to do good, but it is not up to me to do it. Every time I was done, I wanted to chop my hands off, and I often cried and prayed. This situation lasted for a long time.

Until one day, after the fellowship group ended, I walked back to my residence with a sister who knew my past. It was raining on the way home, and a voice inside urged me to reveal the secret of masturbation. I'm really scared. This is so embarrassing. How can I be embarrassed? I didn't want to say it, but the voice kept urging me inside. Seeing that I was about to reach home, I chose to obey and told the sister how I struggled and how I tried to win but always failed. I only remember the two of us standing under a big peach tree holding an umbrella, and she prayed for me to cut it off.

That prayer was like a circumcision. Since then, I have not masturbated again, and I can sleep peacefully by meditating on God’s words every night. When Y's face pops up occasionally, I will smile slightly and say, "Go away, the old things have passed away, and everything has become new."

▲After the interviewee regained her status as a daughter of God, she began to pray for her marriage. God gave her a husband who knew and loved each other, and they built a family together.

God's sweet family

If I am not restored to my status as a daughter of God, I plan not to get married. After overcoming lust, I began to listen to marriage lectures and take courses on the journey of intimacy. Then I prayed for my marriage for the first time and received premarital counseling. I devoted myself to being a good wife and the “virtuous wife” mentioned in the book of Proverbs. people".

God always provides more than you can ask or imagine. Through the introduction of a neighbor, I met my husband. We were high school alumni and he was two grades ahead of me. I used to be afraid of interacting with the opposite sex, but when he called me for the first time, I was filled with indescribable peace and joy. When the two met for the first time, they found that he had a considerate heart. Friends around him said that we were a match made in heaven. I know very well in my heart: This is what God specially prepared for me. One year after we got married, we had a healthy and adorable baby.

I once lived in a dark black hole, weighed down by a thousand-pound secret. Now, because of knowing the Lord, this burden has disappeared and been replaced by endless hope, joy and love. I cannot turn a blind eye to such a magnificent salvation; I cannot keep silent about such a powerful healing. I often think, God has taken care of such a difficult person like me, so what else is difficult in life?

Shi Lingyu, former Zhongtian News anchor. Now living in Southern California, she has two daughters and enjoys a simple and ordinary home life. A co-worker of the Genesis Literary Training Bookstore.