Every day is new

The life transformation of a single father

Interview/Jian Hailan

Liu Siming, a single father, has two daughters. From separation, belief in the Lord, reconciliation to divorce, his life has passed through the valley of the shadow of death, as if he will never find the green grass again...

Siming, who is of medium height, often wears very neat but slightly monotonous plain clothes and a pair of gold-rimmed glasses, which are placed on his gentle face. At a glance, people can tell that he has a disciplined and conservative personality. During the 2008 Divine Resources and Culture Practice Camp, I passed him several times, and I saw a trace of loneliness in his brows. When I learned that, as a single father, he worked as an unpaid secretary-general of Taiwan's "Xishuibean Caring Single Parent Families Association", I was full of curiosity about his life story...

In 1987, Siming married his partner of three years and whom he loved each other. The marriage was less than seven years old, so they were temporarily separated. My ex-wife is a nurse. Due to her irregular working hours and her casual and romantic thoughts, she is very different from her engineering-study, rational and rigid thinking.

In fact, before marriage, Siming had already discovered the fact that they had different thoughts, personalities, and preferences, and she often worried about it. But in love, everything becomes rationalized. As the cold and heat alternate, the differences between the two become more apparent, and quarrels seem to have become commonplace. Although there are constant quarrels in the early stages of marriage, they can always be resolved in love. butAs the tides come and go, the cracks are accelerating and widening, adding to the sense of powerlessness. When the soul is exhausted and can no longer squeeze out love, the warning signs of a broken marriage will flash constantly.

After struggling again and again, we parted ways

When they separated, they had a seven-year-old daughter. In order to give her children a complete home, Siming wanted to maintain the marriage, but felt powerless. In front of his colleagues and family, he felt that it was extremely humiliating for a grown man not to be able to take care of his family, and he did not dare to reveal his pain to anyone around him. It wasn't until I talked with a Christian friend that I gained new hope in saving my marriage. He became interested in Christianity, accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior in February 1995, and was baptized in October of the same year. After believing in the Lord, Siming worked hard to change himself and correct the shortcomings in his marriage. He once made his ex-wife change his mind, and he was baptized as a Christian on Easter in 1996.

The same belief unites them again. They agreed that when they returned home, they would take good care of the child together, so they soon had a second daughter. With a grateful heart, I wanted to start over, but because Siming actively participated in activities and served in the church, my wife, who was looking forward to a "feeling of exclusivity" in her marriage, was once again disappointed!When his ex-wife angrily accused Siming of loving the church more than his family, and loving the church brothers and sisters more than his family, Siming not only failed to truly understand his ex-wife's needs, but instead led to another level of quarrel, and even internally blamed his ex-wife for being unspiritual. The dissatisfaction filled the two of them again.Later, when his wife requested a divorce, Siming struggled for a long time and delayed for nearly a year before she was willing to sign. The divorce was officially obtained in 1998.

In the first few years after the divorce, they both looked forward to resuming their marital relationship, and they lived through a strange period of time. The so-called strange thing is that although they don't live together, they still keep interacting. From the outside, it seems like a normal family.

It just didn't last long. Siming once again neglected the needs of his wife and children because of too much service in the church. His ex-wife once expressed the hope that he would spend more time at home with them, but he has not made adjustments, causing the balance between ministry and family to be lost. Although a spiritual elder wanted to counsel their marriage during this period, his ex-wife refused to enter into a marriage relationship with him again. Because of this counseling session, Siming also realized that he and his ex-wife might not be able to get back together, so he officially ended his "strange life" and parted ways.

God’s love leads out of the deep valley

The early stages of the divorce dealt a very serious blow to Siming. He felt ashamed because of the divorce, felt that he had lost his dignity as a man, and fell into grief and anger. He kept asking himself what he had done wrong? Facing the unknown future, I feel even more discouraged and disappointed. He seems to have a vague hope of recovery in his marriage...

After the divorce, the ex-wife asked to take away her one-year-old son. Strangely enough, when the two brought the divorce agreement to the household registration office to register, the household registration officer questioned: "Why did you write so much in the agreement? According to civil law, the child is under the custody of the father." I don't know. As for the law, they followed the wishes of the household administration staff and allowed Siming to take over the custody of their two daughters. Later, when I thought about it more carefully, I realized that this was also God's good intention, because he worked in a state-owned enterprise and could maintain a more stable life than his ex-wife, which was good for taking care of the children.

Siming mentioned,In the early days of his divorce, he had trouble with God; the theological outlook he had learned from "Fundamental Truths" was almost shattered! There was also a period of time when I refused to serve in the church because I had a sense of "sin" in my heart.However, God is love, and when he was going through the trough of life, God led him to the still water, to lie down on the green grass, and to receive God's grace and healing again. Through his deep-rooted faith, he was able to view the fact of his divorce from another perspective. He fasted and prayed for seven days about his marriage. God showed his past life like a slideshow, and he saw many shortcomings in his life. He finally forgave his ex-wife for the harm she had caused in their marriage and sincerely worked for her. bless.

▲With the guidance of God and the assistance of the Single Parent Families Association beside the stream, Siming restored the relationship with his two beloved daughters.

Not willing to be a puddle of mud

Now, Siming looks back and reflects on the past and finds that he has many wrong ideas and practices. After participating in the "Streamside Care Single Parent Family Association" and receiving growth courses and counseling, I finally accepted the definition of "a single parent is also a family" and re-examined my past shortcomings. He realized:

1. After marriage, couples still need to continue to learn and understand the differences between the sexes, and they should receive counseling at any time in order to make the marriage relationship new and fresh.
2. He advised newlyweds not to have children easily before their married life is fully adjusted. He now deeply understands that when parents have marital problems, their children will be deeply and far-reachingly affected. If you have a child before you have learned how to be a parent, it is easy to impart a lot of wrong teachings to the child, causing the child to bear undue pressure from an early age. He felt very indebted to his children and deeply regretted it! Ask God to help him love his children again.
3. In marriage, some negative words such as "No big deal, we get divorced!" should never be said easily.
4. Sharing the same beliefs between husband and wife does not mean having a smooth and happy marriage. The important thing is that only by uniting with each other can we go to heaven together.

In the plight of a single father, Siming once felt that his life was like a puddle of mud, but he was unwilling to be like this. While talking and exchanging opinions with many single parents in the association, many issues were finally sorted out.He first admitted that he was a single parent, faced his situation honestly, then changed churches and started all over again. After the marriage change, the child became very self-centered. Siming's heart ached, but he could not shed tears in front of others. When he understands his past ignorance in disciplining his children, he can only accept his autonomy by humbly reflecting on his own shortcomings, relearning how to get along with his children, and praying constantly, asking God to change himself first and turn his heart to God. Strong child.

A single parent is also a family!

The eldest child had asthma since he was a child. Although he was cured when he was eight years old, he had asthma again when he was thirteen. When Siming saw his child suffering from illness, he kept asking God: "Why?" Now, his thoughts have changed to: "What should I do for her?" On his daughter's twentieth birthday, Siming was in church. A thanksgiving dinner was held for her. Because he knew that doing so pleased God.That day, Siming confessed his love to his daughter in front of forty to fifty brothers and sisters in the church, conveying a father's most sincere love for his daughter, and apologized for his inability to give his daughter a complete home in the past and for his improper discipline methods.At that time, Siming's heartfelt words brought vitality to the parent-child relationship that had been in conflict for a long time, and the heavy burden in his heart was completely let go.

Paul encouraged the brothers in the church at Philippi:“Forget what is behind and reach forward to what is before, and press toward the goal” (Refer to Philippians 3:13-14)That was the passage that affected Siming the most in his frustrated life. The divorce gave him empathy and compassion for many single-parent families. He has experienced hardships and would like to use his journey to encourage single fathers who are facing this reality: work hard to accept the difficulties and rely on God's help to rebuild a "new" home with their children. . A single parent is also a family! In the Lord’s love, let every “today” become a “new” day.

Interviewee profile

Liu Siming, born in 1956, is a single parent with two daughters. He lives in Taiwan and works for a state-owned enterprise. Currently, he serves as the voluntary secretary-general of the Christian "Streamside Care for Single-Parent Families Association". Daily work, church, parenting, spiritual practice and voluntary service. I hope to combine life with faith and live a healthy and happy life.

Journalist profile

Jian Hailan, from Taiwan, lives in Pennsylvania, USA. I enjoy listening to music and reading good books on weekdays. I hope that my spiritual vision will become broader, I will love my family, care about society, and live a healthier and more meaningful life.