Walking in the Four Seasons of Marriage

The bitter tears of the Internet bride

▲Cross-cultural marriages are subject to multiple pressures, and couples who met online have gone through particularly difficult trials, filled with bitter tears. Who can lead them to God and rest in a safe haven?

Picture taken from: http://www.theepochtimes.com/news/8-2-16/66041.html

I would rather travel thousands of miles to find a place,
Contains treasures more valuable than gold.
But ask for a heart to connect the soul, I am willing to wait for the eternal treasure,
Comes with numerous promises that will never be wasted.
Who will help me investigate, the merchant who trades,
Covered with a complete guarantee, no regrets.
"Love Merchant" Lyrics, "My Heart" Album/Arjun

Translated by Lin Yu

Welcome the Spring: Hope the lost lamb wakes up

He is engaged in foreign trade business, has a successful career, and enjoys a petty bourgeois life in Guangzhou. Through an online dating service agency, he is looking for another spring on the other side of the Pacific.

With the determination to work hard, she and her husband Dan built a happy home side by side. I want to realize my daughter Zilu’s dream of coming to the United States to learn modern dance, and I hope my son Ziqing can learn English well and acquire a skill.

During their relationship, Dan admitted that he was not rich and that his mother and son had moved four or five times with Dan in just a few years. Wanwan didn't mind because she didn't come to the United States to hunt for gold. She worked three jobs, working nine to five in the company during the week, and working in a restaurant on the weekends. When she had time, she would follow Dan around to buy old drums, remove the rust with sandpaper, polish them with oil, and resell them as brand new. Zilu is fluent in Chinese, English and Cantonese and is highly appreciated in the company. She works part-time in a restaurant on weekends and takes courses at a community college. After graduating from high school, Ziqing also worked in a restaurant.

Dan, on the other hand, believed that selling old drums was about making money through hard work, which was too hard. He fell into various "investment" traps of making money and couldn't extricate himself. He was cheated out of thousands of dollars, but he still went to various pyramid selling meetings, neglected his work in the company, and asked for leave. The number of hours was more than the number of working hours; and he lost his job as drummer in the band. He had high ambitions but low ambitions and was indolent. He was not "not rich", but had the mentality of sitting back and enjoying the gains because he did not work hard, which made her tired the most. At the Cross-Cultural Women's Association, Wanwan met Dr. Pang Connie and Sister Yang, who were like mothers and sisters. They exuded the fragrance of Christ, which strengthened Wanwan's faith in Christ and supported her as she waited for Dan to wake up and turn around, and she was still willing to wait for this dream that was so different from hers. Another home.

Wanwan knew there was no turning back, so she faced the setbacks and became self-reliant. "Having a house of my own, helping my daughter find a husband and a son..." Hope sprouted in Wanwan's heart like the seeds of spring.

Go to summer: overcome hardness with softness and love the house and the bird

Xiao Xie's working environment has exposed her to men of all ethnic groups. In comparison, European and American men are polite, well-educated, and respectful of women. When she went on a business trip to European and American countries, she met Christians and felt that their families were more stable. At that time, she didn’t know what faith was, but she knew that people who believed in Jesus were reliable. When she got remarried, she decided to look for marriage between European and American Christians online.

Xiao Xie set the conditions for choosing a spouse - Christian, ten years older than her, middle class, civil servant, responsible, kind and humorous, and settled on Li Meng. She was smart and talked to him about life, family, dealing with people, and her wishes for future life, and she knew that he was someone she could trust for life. After getting married, I found that the husband I saw and the husband I expected were completely different. A man who is prone to anger and trouble. He is right in everything. Without any warning, he can lose his temper in an instant, and it only takes a few seconds for him to lose his temper. If something doesn't go your way, just "Get Out!" sounds like a harsh "Get Out!" to her. Friction and contradiction gradually developed between the two.

Hearing about the intrigues surrounding online marriages, Li Meng initially kept a close eye on Xiao Xie. Her husband's family did not accept her and showed all kinds of discrimination and hostility in their actions and words, and the marriage was often shrouded in mystery. She worked hard to learn how to cook and create a pleasant atmosphere; the finances were shared by both of you and me. She honors her parents and uses every detail of her life to express her love for her husband and his family.

Li Meng underwent emergency heart surgery, and his relatives outside the ward were clamoring and making noises. They were concerned about his will. Xiao Xie silently accompanied and cared for him, prayed quietly, and also contacted the pastor and church members to pray for him. From then on, Li Meng doubled his points and won the acceptance and love of his mother-in-law. Later, Li Meng put his finances into a trust, and the two of them shared their money openly. Li Meng saw Xiao Xie's sincere dedication to him, and he also protected and helped her son like a biological father, and worked hard to change himself.

Dr. Pang Connie of the Women's Cross-Cultural Marriage Fellowship advises couples on the principles of resolving conflicts: "Avoid direct conflicts; when the other party realizes their mistake and wants to reconcile, they should step down; accept the other party's explanation and apology." This was the ice-breaker for the Li Meng couple. The essential. Dr. Pang also taught the couple to buy a set of "Harmony Teacups" as a gentleman's appointment. When either party wants to communicate, they take out the teacup as a signal, pour fragrant coffee or pure tea, and the two drink while communicating. Let Li Meng calm down his bad temper and talk calmly and rationally.

Nine years of marriage was like eating sugar cane. The warmth and coldness during the period were like a bottomless pool of water. Xiao Xie relied on God's grace to overcome toughness with softness, win with wisdom, and regain the trust and respect of her family. Like the clear lotus that blooms gracefully in the wind in midsummer, it emerges from the mud and remains unstained. Anyone can stop and admire it.

Hou Qiu: Relying on each other and relying on the Lord without worries

Her husband passed away ten years ago. After retirement, Lan Lan often felt lonely and unhappy, and her life gradually became boring. My son came to the United States to help her start a family. Her considerate daughter-in-law encouraged her to socialize more with people and registered her information on a free website. The original intention is to find a Chinese person you can talk to and make friends online to relieve boredom and kill time, so the information is all written in Chinese.

Old Marco, who likes challenges with a pure heart, does not understand Chinese but writes letters to her diligently. Lanlan, with a desire to learn English, relies on the online translation of "Kingsoft PowerWord" on the Internet to build a magpie bridge back and forth. When her mother became seriously ill and Lan Lan returned to Hainan Island, Lao Marco paid for a translator and had a "threesome" on the phone across the Pacific Ocean. Because of his sincerity, the two finally got married.

After getting married, Lanlan relied entirely on his pension and social welfare funds to manage the family. Marco spent as much as he could and had no savings. This is Lan Lan's biggest worry and the cause of their marital quarrels. After Marco restrained himself, he returned to his old ways, and he often lost all his money on his bets and investments; he studied and discovered that when he bought things, money was like a faucet that couldn't be turned off, and the money flowed out.

I didn’t listen to the advice, but also had an argument. I thought that the “old companion” was just going to plant flowers and grass with him, and keep each other company, but I didn’t know that he was a cheap foreign worker who did laundry, cleaning and cooking, and a free nurse who asked for help. You have to be careful. Be careful about how to get along; as soon as resentment agitates, the thought of divorce sneaks into Lan Lan's mind.

The Bible says: "Two people are better than one. If you fall, someone will help you. If two people sleep together, they will be warm." (Refer to Ecclesiastes 4:9-11) What else does Lan Lan, who has passed the age of hearing, want to do? Isn’t it just being with someone you truly love? Besides, the money is his, and he has the right to spend it how he wants, so why should he worry about it? Besides, Marco never asks about her savings and real estate in China, shouldn't he respect it too?

I used to worry too much and focus on trivial details, but now I am laughing and talking. The autumn wind that has retreated from the summer heat has sorted out Lan Lan's thoughts in an orderly manner. She has a green card and can come and go freely when visiting her children and grandchildren in the United States. She can put aside her grievances and self-esteem for the time being and let them rust.

Waking up to winter: bidding farewell to dreams and looking forward to life

Ginkgo, who was divorced and forced to leave her job early, also had a daughter who was so rebellious that she was helpless. It is said that Americans are rich, have a good learning environment, and find jobs easily. Through the online dating and mate selection service agency, Ginkgo, who has walked into the narrow alley of life, is still alive. She sets foot on the place where her dreams stop and gives it a try for the second spring of marriage adventure.

A few months after getting married, her husband, Brother Wang, asked her to sign several pieces of paper. Later, she learned that he had sold his house and unknown where all his property was transferred. Brother Wang helped Ginkgo find a job, and his monthly salary was deposited into a joint account. I couldn't get the money because I didn't understand English. I had to ask Brother Wang for daily necessities, and I was secretly disappointed. Living habits are different. He thinks the dishes cooked in soy sauce are dirty. When eating pig's feet, he muttered: "You can also eat the ones that have been mixed with manure!" For the green card, he gave up his own space and surrendered, but his heart was full. The sting of depression.

The biggest shock that marriage brings to Ginkgo is that Brother Wang's view of marriage is based on "sex". In order to please him, he will respond to every request. Ginkgo, who has entered menopause, is getting tired of coping. When she returns from a visit to relatives in China, she is shocked to find that Brother Wang is negotiating with another Chinese Internet bride. Before Ginkgo can prosecute her, Brother Wang has filed for divorce and sent her away with a "severance package" worth thousands of dollars.

Ginkgo's marriage, let alone love, is just a transaction at best. When she married Brother Wang, Ginkgo thought she had a good chance of winning because she was young and beautiful. Unexpectedly, she was divorced, which made her unable to swallow her breath. Fortunately, a group of friends she met in church, Bible study classes, and cross-cultural women's fellowship understood, accepted, and comforted her.

Fortunately, I didn’t understand English and the one I signed was not a deed of betrayal. Divorced, without her husband but still working, with a car and a green card, independent, and a poor but stable life, Ginkgo thought about it, with mixed feelings. Everyone knows that there is a glimmer of life hidden in the withering and withering of winter.

Aftertaste

She chooses a spouse through the Internet and comes to the United States to become a transnational bride. With longing and longing, just like the lyrics at the beginning of the article, she goes through hardships in order to pursue the paradise outlined in her heart, and treats marriage as an investment in pursuing a better life tomorrow.

However, there is no time to get along and get to know each other, and they get married in a hurry without love as a basis. In the real marriage, they have different cultural values, language barriers, communication barriers, and even more lack of trust. Each has their own agenda, which troubles them in many layers. Transnational marriage turns like a natural sequence, is it a sigh? Is it regret? Are you glad? Or a transfer?

Spring passes and autumn comes, and the four seasons move at their regular intervals. However, the human heart is deceitful and capricious. Where can we find true satisfaction? The medieval theologian Augustine once prayed to God with passion: "Lord, our souls will have no rest unless they rest in You."

Today, who can have the same enthusiasm to deliver good news to brides across the country, so that the love of Jesus can stop the wandering of those souls, rest in a safe harbor, and sing with joy? ─

The most beautiful blessing in this life,

That is, being able to trust in the Lord Jesus,

Walking in the mountains and deep valleys,

He will walk with me,

I know this is the most beautiful blessing.

"The Most Beautiful Blessing in This Life" Lyrics/Li Xinyi)

(The names of the four true stories interviewed in this article have been changed.)

Extended film, television and reading materials:

‧ Internet Bride in Phoenix, "The Other Side" documentary series, China Communication Association, 2010.
‧ Internet Bride, "Chinatown" documentary series, Phoenix TV, 2008.
‧ Yang Hanjiahua (2008): When romance leaps onto the international stage, Kingdom of God, No. 13, pp. 71-76.

Click to read more articles about supporting women in cross-cultural marriages with love.

Author profile:

Liu Shuman, a children’s Sunday school teacher, likes to sleep and travel, and loves delicious food. Reading is the greatest enjoyment in leisure time.