Build a better relationship
——Interview with Dr. Ye Gaofang on the key role of counseling
Interview/Zheng Qiongyu
Standing at the door of the consultation room, Meiru felt uneasy. Can marriage counseling really help her and Kaili rebuild love and trust? Kaili looked helpless. He hurt Meiru's heart, but he also changed his mind and apologized. Why didn't Meiru forgive him?
Both are Christians, have been married for twenty years, and their children are in middle school. Meiru is straightforward and enthusiastic, while Kaili is attentive and gentle. When they were newly married, the two talked about everything, served together in the church, and had a harmonious relationship. With the arrival of the child, life becomes increasingly busy, and the couple often cannot speak more than a few words a day, but their life is still peaceful and stable.
One morning, Meiru was cleaning up Kaili's desk and found an elegant card. She was shocked to find out that Kaili and his colleague Sophia were having an extramarital affair.
Meiru's tears fell softly. She devotes herself to taking care of her family and is recognized as a good wife and mother. Why did her husband betray her?
Sophia and Kaili have worked together for many years. The two got along day and night, and gradually fell in love. But Kaili had always felt guilty about his wife. After several struggles, he finally broke up with her. Kaili knew he was in the wrong, but several months had passed since the incident, and Meiru still couldn't hide her anger and sadness. Kaili didn't understand that he had taken the initiative to end the extramarital affair, why couldn't his wife forgive him?
For Meiru, in countless moments of solitude, the intimate words in the card kept coming to mind. She didn't know what to do to forget the pain and completely forgive her husband.
She needed to talk, but didn't want to alarm the church pastor, so she made an appointment with her friend Jenny. Jenny patiently listened, comforted, and finally enthusiastically advised Meiru to learn how to manage a marriage. Unexpectedly, Meiru angered Meiru: "At the wedding, he promised to be faithful to the marriage for the rest of his life. He was the one who broke the promise. He needs to learn how to manage a marriage, not me!"
Jenny didn't know what she said wrong. After Meiru calmed down, she suggested that she and Kaili might receive professional Christian marriage counseling. Meiru thought twice and decided to accept the suggestion. Kaili was noncommittal, but was willing to give his wife a try.
Step-by-step four stages
Pastor Ye Gaofang, president of the International True Love Family Association, has been involved in family counseling and ministry for more than 40 years. He used the marital dilemma of Kaili and Meiru as an example to analyze marriage counseling.
When there is a problem in a marriage, both husband and wife should face it together. Ye Gaofang said that due to the mentality that family scandals should not be publicized, for every ten Chinese couples with relationship problems, less than three husbands are willing to receive professional counseling. If only one person in a couple seeks counseling, the result is often half the effort. Therefore, Ye Gaofang deeply affirms and respects couples or individuals who are willing to seek professional counseling.
Professional marriage counseling consists of the following four progressive stages—
1. Clarify facts and deal with emotions
The counselor guides the couple to clarify the facts and avoid gaps in expectations caused by incomplete perspectives on things. At this stage, counselors will also help deal with various emotions such as sadness, anger, loss, disappointment, blame, and self-blame.
2. Personal and marital healing
In an affair, the betrayed party will be deeply hurt. It goes without saying that Meiru was hurt when Kaili broke her marriage vows. Kaili must sincerely repent and change, completely terminate the affair, and treat his wife wholeheartedly. Meiru must choose to completely forgive her husband after dealing with the hurt emotions in order to get rid of the pain.
3. Rebuild relationships and trust
When a marriage relationship is in crisis, there must be problems with the couple's communication, interaction, intimacy, personality management, or differences. At this stage, the counselor will help both parties examine past problems, learn good interaction methods, and rebuild the relationship.
Kaili and Meiru had a close and harmonious relationship when they were newly married. Later, they were busy with work and raising children and neglected the management of their relationship. At this stage, they must honestly face their negligence and responsibilities in the marriage in order to open up the opportunity to rebuild the relationship.
This is also the time to rebuild trust. The length of time required depends on the maturity of each couple, the complexity of the problem, and the way in which the problem is handled after it breaks out. It varies from person to person. Kaili's affair destroyed the mutual trust between him and Meiru. Moreover, he and Sophia still have a cooperative relationship at work. Meiru will inevitably become suspicious and insecure at the first clue. Kaili needs to be patient to rebuild his credit and wait for Meiru to regain her trust in him. If you act too hastily and ask Meiru to forgive him in a short period of time, it will not only be unfair to Meiru, but will also damage the relationship between the two again.
4. Strengthen relationships
Help couples strengthen their methods of expressing love to each other and establish an intimate relationship. When counseling enters this stage, couples can be encouraged to participate in marriage and family-related courses and camps, such as the True Love Couples Camp organized by the International True Love Family Association or the Couples Growth Camp in the Kingdom of God Resource Cultural Practice Camp.
Ye Gaofang particularly emphasized that these four stages must be carried out step by step and cannot be omitted or changed in order. If Kaili and Meiru have not passed the first three stages, friends around them will enthusiastically invite them to participate in couples camps and other activities, which is self-defeating and makes the relationship between the two more tense. Three feet of ice is not frozen in a day, and marital problems require patience and time to repair. Generally speaking, professional marriage counseling takes three months to six months, starting with once a week, and then increasing the interval depending on the situation.
▲After a marriage is injured, it takes time to rebuild trust.
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Seize the opportunity to repair relationships promptly
Ye Gaofang used cancer as a metaphor for a marriage with problems. Most cancers are not terminal diseases. The important thing is "early detection and early treatment." Waiting until the terminal stage of cancer to seek medical treatment will significantly reduce curability and survival rates. In recent years, he has been entrusted with counseling some extremely sick marriages. Due to the complexity of the problems, unless God specifically grants grace, the results are often deplorable. He called on couples to break the concept of "keeping a family scandal in public" and seek medical treatment promptly to avoid missing out on the opportunity to recover.
However, marriage counseling is not a panacea. Ye Gaofang said: "Marriage counseling is to help people actively solve their own problems, rather than passively waiting for the counselor to solve the problem." The counselor provides cognition, direction and methods, but the counselee himself must have Only those who are willing to change and unite knowledge and action can hope to improve the current situation.
For any problems that arise in a relationship, the people in the relationship must openly assume the responsibility of improving the problems. Kaili's affair was obviously a big mistake, and there may also be problems with the couple's daily relationship. When the counseling reaches the third stage of "relationship reconstruction," Meiru and Kaili must honestly face their own negligence and responsibility. , rather than blindly asking the other party to change in order to rebuild a damaged marriage.
In addition to seeking medical treatment as soon as possible when you are sick, it is also important to choose the right doctor.
Although Christian marriage counseling and non-Christian marriage counseling use similar counseling methods, their ethics are different. Non-Christian counseling looks at the world from a "humanistic" perspective, while Christian counseling is "God-centered", emphasizing Christ as the center, the Bible as the basis, and the Holy Spirit as the driving force. When Christian couples choose a marriage counselor, Christian counseling should be their priority. If there are no Christian counselors nearby where you live, you don’t need to be rigid. You can carefully choose a non-Christian counselor to help you. Language, cultural background, etc. should also be taken into consideration when choosing.
Some of the more comprehensive health insurance in the United States may cover the cost of marriage counseling, and many counseling centers will also adjust fees based on income. A good marital relationship is a priceless treasure. When there are rifts between couples that require professional counseling to help repair, readers must not miss the critical opportunity to save their marriage.
Become a competent helper
When most people have problems in their marriage, they usually turn to relatives and friends for help first. But for serious problems, if the helper has not received relevant training, he or she will often be "too caring and not professional enough", which is not helpful.
Ye Gaofang reminds helpers who have not received counseling training to pay attention to the following points:
1. Avoid taking sides.
2. Understand that what you hear is only a one-sided view and does not represent the complete facts.
3. Don’t give random advice or ask the other party to act based on your past experience, because experience may not be repeatable and every couple’s problems are different.
4. Strictly observe emotional boundaries. It is best to avoid caring too much about the marital status of friends of the opposite sex, lest mutual friendships cross the boundaries unconsciously.
5. Recognize your role and limits, and avoid being too involved and affecting your family and life.
In the aforementioned case, when Meiru asked her friend Jenny for help, her heart was still scarred and she desperately needed comfort and support from her friends. Jenny did a good job at the beginning, patiently listening to Meiru's pain, but unfortunately she was too eager to prescribe treatment, which made Meiru feel blamed, as if Kaili cheated because she didn't know how to manage a marriage. Jenny might as well wait until Meiru has gone through the healing period before sharing with her ways to manage her marriage. Meiru's reaction will be very different. Fortunately, Jenny realized that the Kellys might need professional counseling, and they were willing to accept the advice of their friends.
In order to help lay believers become competent helpers, the "True Love Family Association" launched a set of self-study "Care Counseling Training" CD courses a few years ago. So far, more than 2,000 people have received the training. However, not every couple whose marriage is in trouble will take the initiative to seek help. In view of this, Ye Gaofang and her colleagues began to promote "Family Guide Friends" in 2012, where couples participate in training together and devote themselves to caring for other families. In the case of Kaili and Mei, if they had a trained "family guide", they would have been able to receive warm companionship in time after the incident, and the couple would have even worked hard on their marriage early to prevent trouble before it happened.
Pray that more and more lay believers will be able to "see their own responsibility in the failures of others; see the contributions of others in their own successes." Receive counseling equipment to accompany families around them when they encounter relationship crises Survive the ordeal and rebuild a stronger and stronger relationship from the ashes!
▲ "Family Guides" use peer care to accompany couples in managing their family relationships.
In-depth study materials
For information about "Care Counseling Training" (including 42 CDs and course syllabus), marriage and family related books and audio materials, "Family Guide" training courses, True Love Couples Camp, etc., please visit the International True Love Family Association website www.familykeepers.org Or call: (909)595-6777 for enquiries.
Taiwanese readers looking for textbooks can contact Tianen Publishing House at www.graceph.com, or call 02-2515-3551
Interviewee profile:
Dr. Ye Gaofang is currently the president of the International True Love Family Association. He has been engaged in family education and counseling for nearly 40 years and is a well-known expert in family education and counseling. He holds a doctorate in family counseling and a doctorate in psychology.
Journalist profile:
Zheng Qiongyu, from Taiwan, settled in Northern California with her husband and son, enjoying a simple and ordinary home life. I like reading, traveling and camping on weekdays.