Where is home? Confronting Domestic Violence in the Church
▲Home is a paradise where God lives, warmth and joy. The church should try its best to protect every family in Christ and prevent violence and destruction from becoming a terrifying and dangerous hell.
(Photo/Timothy Liu)
"My family is so lovely, clean, happy and healthy; my brothers and sisters are very kind, and my parents are kind..."
Home is the sound of nature that echoes in the mouths of innocent children, it is a haven where poets chant and take shelter from the wind, and it is a warm little nest where parents lean on each other and wait for the wanderers to take off the dust of the world.
However, nearly 25% women have been beaten or sexually raped at home by their husbands, ex-husbands or lovers during their lifetime, and this does not include emotional, mental and spiritual abuse. 50% People who are violent to their wives and partners at home are also violent to their children. Dr. Marie Fortune, a pioneer in the study of domestic violence, said that in the environment where women live and children grow up, the most dangerous place is not anywhere else but at home!
Worrying situation
Domestic Violence (Domestic Violence) against a wife, girlfriend or partner, also known as Intimate Partner Violence, is like a silent plague that spreads across different races, cultures, religious beliefs, and economic statuses around the world. , education level, destroying the body and mind of the victims, and even killing their souls.
The Oregon Domestic Violence Council defines violence as follows:
"In close interpersonal relationships, one person uses a coercive behavior pattern to control and despise another person. His behavior includes physical, sexual, mental and economic violence. He uses coercion, terror, immorality, selfishness and violent strategies. It makes the victim fearful and forced to submit.”
向美國司法部告發的親密伴侶暴力事件中，男性犯案佔85-90%，其餘的10-15%則包括婦女向男性施暴，或是男同性戀、女同性戀之間的暴力。婦女於暴力事件中是最多的受害者，其受傷嚴重的程度遠高過男性。1
According to a report by the American College of Surgeons, assault is the leading cause of injured women seeking treatment in hospital emergency departments, more than injuries from car accidents, robberies, and rape combined.
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists reports that three to four million women are spanked at home each year. Since many women are afraid of exposure, this number should be even higher.
The U.S. Department of Justice reports that approximately 2,000 women are murdered by their intimate partners each year.
Is the church a pure land?
When my husband found out that I had thrown away two pairs of his dirty and deformed antique shoes, he lost his temper and scolded me: "Crazy! A prodigal!" He picked up the plates on the table and flew them over one by one, smashing them into pieces. He still couldn't calm down. Then he raised the coffee table and hit me on the head. My four-year-old son was so frightened that he cried, "Don't hit my mother!" He probably used too much force and lost his balance. He and the coffee table fell down, and I escaped. One calamity.
∼瑩瑩，工程師，團契主席。2
Christians can't help but wonder. Domestic violence statistics are appalling. However, can churches that advocate "love your neighbor as yourself" survive and remain a pure land?
遭受虐待的基督徒婦女並不少於非基督徒。《今日基督教雜誌》指稱，屬神的婦女亦然，每四位就有一位於婚姻生活中遭受人身暴力。3
上面所舉這則在華人教會中的真實故事，只是冰山一角 。於夏威夷州一家大型醫院擔任牧師的麥艾爾（Al Miles）曾深入訪問五十二位受虐的基督徒婦女，令人更驚駭痛心的是：在教堂會眾、主日學老師、詩班、長執會，甚至於講道臺上，都不乏對妻子、伴侶拳打腳踢、恐嚇咒詛、強姦動粗的男人。4主日崇拜時自講壇望去，赫然發現，其中坐著被虐者，也坐著施虐者！
keep silent
Several times he choked me and suffocated me with pillows; he gnashed his teeth when he talked about my parents, and beat me if I defended my parents; he slapped me for the trivial matter of treating guests... I revealed my husband's violent habits to the elders , he thought that he was too young to deal with this problem, so he asked the priest to deal with it.
The pastor once said to the members: Family problems are the most difficult. It requires at least five visits for three hours each time, but it may not be effective. He came to visit once, talked with my husband and me late at night, and then stopped coming. That night, the pastor used the Bible to encourage me to treat my husband as the head of the family, obey him, and not talk back.
In addition, my enthusiastic cousin came from other states to pray for me; my brother also came to help coordinate. To be honest, although I was grateful for their love, it was of no help. I was the only one carrying this unbearable cross. , hold on hard.
∼Shengsheng, nurse, choir member.
Retired Pastor Robert S. Owens of the Presbyterian Church in the United States, like many pastors, has no idea about domestic violence. In the first thirty years of his ministry, he only dealt with two or three domestic violence incidents. Until his daughter came back to live with him after being abused. One day, his son-in-law suddenly appeared with a knife and started killing wildly. Not only was his daughter seriously injured, but he was also almost blind. The pain caused him to no longer avoid the crime of domestic violence.
之後，他在教會講道和公司禱告會中提出正視家暴問題，意外地，收到戲劇化的迴響，立即有受害者求見，而且未曾間斷過。歐牧師表明，大部分受虐者三緘其口，羞於啟齒，不願尋求牧師的幫助。她們擔心牧師站在丈夫的一邊，害怕被定罪、受排斥，或是鼓動她們繼續停留在暴虐的關係裡。5許多家暴處理中心的輔導們直言，教會與家人提供的服務最為空洞無效。6
Pastor Maier frankly pointed out that pastors’ lack of counseling equipment, insufficient knowledge about domestic violence, and lack of knowledge of readily available resources are the three main reasons why they are unable to teach their congregations, are unable to help victims, and avoid handling it.
God changed him?
His emotions were like a roller coaster, racing between extremes. In the middle of the night, he woke me up with a murderous look in his eyes and yelled at me for disobeying me.
After the storm, he transformed and became as gentle as a sheep. He also testified in the church: "I used to be self-centered, but now God has changed me and I am determined to love and care for my wife and daughter." Many people were moved to shake hands with him and comfort me. Rely on the Lord and give him more opportunities and time.
∼Taotao, housewife, prayer group member.
When a man testifies in front of the podium and says "God has changed him"; when the brothers and sisters in the audience applaud him and echo "Amen!" and "Glory to the Lord!"...
"Wait a minute -" the experienced Pastor Maier reminded: "I believe that any change in people's behavior is the power of God. However, to achieve healthy and lasting changes, such as losing weight or quitting smoking, it usually takes a difficult time. It’s a long road, and violence treatment is even more complex and difficult. The abuser must make a determined effort and commit to long-term efforts to successfully change.”
Under the persuasion of others quoting the Bible, the wife often struggles between the dilemma: Should she save her marriage and pay the price with her life? Or save your life and pay the price of divorce?
Some church leaders have stated: "When the church instructs a victimized woman to maintain a relationship with her abuser and continue to be submissive in marriage, the church has a responsibility to the victim (author's note: it means guaranteeing the safety of her life)."
此外，一群教會的領袖們更清楚表達立場：「有些人引用聖經章節來支持他個人對妻子虐待施暴，我們不接受這類對聖經的曲解。」7
▲People regardless of nationality, shoulder to shoulder, appeal to the world: "Cherish our families!", "Peace starts from the family!", and also declare "zero" tolerance for domestic violence.
second hand injury
小時候，曾看見爸爸手握匕首威脅媽媽⋯⋯，唉，太恐怖了！我無法描述這揮之不去的一幕，常讓我惡夢連連。每當爸媽關係緊張的時候，我就拿著手機，不敢睡覺，隨時準備撥911⋯⋯，我在大學裡擔心媽媽和弟弟的安全，擔心到上課無法專心⋯⋯
∼朗朗，大學生，慕道友。
波士頓醫學中心研究，孩子聲稱看見父親虐待母親，其中有三分之一的案件，父母皆矢口否認。估計每年大約有五百萬孩童目睹母親遭暴。8
就如民眾受到二手煙傷害，生活於暴虐中的孩子，目睹頻頻上演的家庭暴力，也承受著心靈的「二手傷害」，他們可能在情緒、心理與生理層面呈現下列問題行為：9
� Lack of concentration.
� Hyperactivity that interferes with learning and concentration.
� Slow learning.
� Sleep problems (nightmares, fear of falling asleep, bedwetting).
� Body aches (headaches, stomach ailments and stomachaches).
� Delayed language skills.
� Poor academic performance.
� Frequently absent from school (truant or sick).
� Dozing off in class.
� Sibling rivalry or pathological class conformity.
Give them a home
Next time, when you hear that weak signal for help and see that helpless look, it is the cry from the depths of the soul of those abused women and innocent children, don’t take it lightly!
Lord, be kind to me,
for I am in trouble;
My eyes were red and swollen from crying, and my body and mind were failing.
I'm like discarded trash. ⋯⋯
But I trust in you, Lord; you are my God.
(Psalm 31: 9-15, Modern Chinese Translation)
As a church that demonstrates the love of God, are you willing to accompany them to find a home that is safe, warm, and full of mutual respect?
【Note】
1. Miles, Al. Violence in Family, What Every Christian Needs to Know (Minneapolis:Augsburg,2002), 32.
2. The interviewees in this article, both husband and wife, are baptized Chinese Christians. To protect privacy, the names and plot have been modified appropriately.
3. http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2004/sepoct/11.68.html
4. Miles, Al. Domestic Violence, What Every Pastor Needs to Know (Fortress Press, 2000) 40.
5. Ibid., 155-157.
6. Clark, Ron. Setting the Captives Free, A Christian Theology for Domestic Violence (Eugene OR: Wipf & Stock, 2005) xxii-xxiii, 148-149.
7. Miles, Al. Violence in Family, What Every Christian Needs to Know. (Minneapolis: Augsburg, 2002.) 11.
8. Bancroft, When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse (New York: Putnam, 2004) 53.
9. Ibid., 76,145-146; and Boston Medical Center www.childwitnesstoviolence.org
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Recommended reading list
★"Stay away from violence and be sweet" "True Love Family Magazine" Issue 30, August 2006. (http://www.familykeepers.org/magazine/Archive/FK030/FK030.htm)
★Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Man. New York: Putnam, 2002.
★Clark, Ron. Setting the Captives Free, A Christian Theology for Domestic Violence.Eugene OR: Wipf & Stock, 2005.
★Miles, Al. Violence in Family, What Every Christian Needs to Know. Minneapolis: Augsburg, 2002.
Author profile
Yi Wei, a housewife living in grace. My heart aches when I write this topic, and I am willing to use my pen to speak for the humble and speak out for the weak. Coffee, the sound of rain on the eaves, and classical music are my favorites in simple life.