This is indispensable for a beautiful marriage

[Relationship in the screen mirror] 11

Photo courtesy/Li Wenping

"This is like a section of the Great Wall in the United States - the Great Wall without a wall." This is how a friend described the mountain at our feet.

I especially like the trail after reaching the top of this mountain, which stays on the ridge. The 360-degree scenery is unobstructed: the mountains are stacked on top of each other, the green water is quiet; the wind is blowing by your ears, and eagles are soaring under your feet. The gorgeous mountain flowers fragrant the mind, and the beauty of creation makes people feel relaxed and happy, and they can't help but marvel.

The scenery before reaching the top of the mountain is different. Although it is beautiful, the grand pattern is only fully revealed when you reach the top of the mountain.

The same seems to be true for marriage. Most marriages take place in valleys or on hillsides - although some are remarkable, only a few reach the top of the mountain. Their realm and intentions are beyond imagination at the bottom of the mountain, and they reap the joy of the heights. Among the characteristics of such a marriage, the indispensable feature is: mutual fulfillment.

To complete each other, first of all, "each other"

In some marriages, the qualities that were highly appreciated in the spouses before marriage become disliked within a few years of the marriage. Those who were pure and refined before marriage will become useless and unreasonable after marriage; those who were honest and considerate before marriage will become inflexible and unambitious after marriage. I am reminded of the words of my college senior: "Boys now like you to write poems, but after marriage, they like you to cook for him. Girls now like you to be talented, but after marriage, they like you to make money for her."

Poetry and talent belong to love, but cooking and making money belong to marriage? Poetry and harmony are the romance between flowers and moonlight, while cooking and making money are the reality of daily necessities. Can't the two be compatible? For many people, it is indeed impossible; because the other person exists to satisfy "my" needs, to fulfill me, and only me.

I, like a system, can meet my needs, include her/him, become a part of the system, exist and change according to my expectations. When my needs change, the other person needs to change; if something does not meet my requirements, it must become suitable for me. In the process, I will use various methods to make the other party change, such as hard and soft demands, cold violence, violence, weak manipulation, strong manipulation, etc.

This kind of marriage (see Figure 1) shows that one of them must become "small", or both must become small, so that the marriage can accommodate both parties, otherwise it will inevitably break down. If one or both parties are forced to become smaller in order to preserve the marriage, their personality, interests, freedom, autonomy, career, etc. will inevitably be suppressed.

An example of nothing but one

There was a man who fell in love with his wife because of her beauty and business ability, and pursued her hard. After getting married and having children, he felt that it would be better for his wife to take care of the children at home, and she felt the same way. As a result, the wife who had a successful career became a housewife with no income. The dressing she used to dress up for social events was replaced by a casual look at home, and many of the social relationships established through business were gradually lost. Later, my husband's career was not going well, and he began to dislike his wife for being useless and unhappy. She "can do nothing but enjoy the happiness at home." She was violent with words, and she was very preoccupied with her finances and kept a tight control on her. My wife couldn't stand the derogation of personality and financial oppression, so she decided to go against his system of "I am king" and chose divorce.

Some wives also respect me. They must listen to me and follow my wishes in everything. If they don’t listen, they don’t love me. They will make trouble and make their husband feel that they don’t love me.“It is better to live in the corner of the house than to live in a spacious house with a quarrelsome woman.” (Proverbs 25:24)This kind of marriage that demands a spouse according to one's own ever-changing needs largely instrumentalizes the other person - the other person is not the object of love, not a companion to support each other on the road of life, but a human tool for my use. If you only fulfill your own marriage, not only will you not reach the top of the mountain, you may not even be able to save the marriage itself.

While these marriage misunderstandings are very obvious, some are quite subtle. For example, some Christian husbands read in the Bible that a man is the head of his wife and his wife should be submissive, so they think that his wife should listen to me in everything and let her suppress her interests, talents, and personal needs to adapt to his needs and arrangements. Many wives also want to follow this biblical teaching and strive to obey, but they are very depressed in their hearts. Some wives say: "The husband is the head, and I am the neck. The head turns how the neck tells it to turn." This sounds like something like this. A struggle for power.

Is there anything wrong with this?

The "Head" in Marriage

The "head" is the leader; according to biblical standards, a good leader in a marriage must love his wife to the point of self-sacrifice, giving up his own interests and desires for the interests and desires of the other person. In other words, a good leader in a relationship between husband and wife does not have a self-centered self in his head, but he pretends to be good for his wife and thinks about her. Such a "head" is marked by love, and he loves his wife to the point of giving up his life. Having very high standards and low attitudes is the opposite of suppressing your wife's wishes, interests, and needs to suit yourself.

Jesus clearly taught:Being a leader is like being a servant, being able to bow down and wash the people you lead.foot; Secular leaders can be aloof, but Christian leaders are different. Whoever wants to be great must be a servant who serves others.

If a husband wants to be the head of his wife, according to the standards of a Christian leader, he is by no means a one-sided man. You are small and I am big. Husbands need to be aware of this, and so should wives, so that they can communicate well with helpers who match their husbands in terms of value and status, communicate with them with respect and love, help husbands who have biased ideas, and work together to build a healthy marriage. rather than accepting mistakes.

Christ Jesus came so that people (including husbands and wives) may have life and have it more abundantly.Abundant life is connected to the source of life (God), full of vitality, living out the potential given by God, and developing and using the talents given by God. Neither spouse should let their life shrink, be depressed, or even wither because of marriage, but should become richer and stronger because of marriage.

God ordained marriageAbsolutelywill not be associated withHimThe purpose of "making people's lives more abundant" is contradictory. A marriage that makes people shrink, depress, or even wither is not a good marriage. A marriage that makes people rich and strong is.

A sister who has many children and grandchildren still travels around the world - not traveling and sightseeing, but doing charity, running education, and spreading God's grace and righteousness. Her husband is very supportive of her, and she is also very supportive of his career and service (as director of a gospel organization). From time to time, I heard her talk about flying directly from one country to another to reunite with her husband and accompany him. The two of them recharge and perfect each other. Both of them give full play to the gifts God has given them, and they support and encourage the other to do the same. This truly embodies the beauty of "flying together".

In fact, leadership science focuses on how to discover the potential of a team and lead the team forward. If a husband really wants to be a good leader in a marriage, he should not just ask his wife to obey him, but think about how to help his wife develop her natural (God-given) talents so that the marriage can be full of vitality.

The beauty of both and this

A healthy marriage focuses on "each other" - meeting each other's needs and thinking about each other. There is one without the other, there is one without the other, and the marriage will not be healthy in the long run. I think for me, and you think for you, which is a mode of care that leads to alienation, isolation, and indifference; I think for you, and you think for me, is another mode of care, which leads to intimacy, connection, and warmth.

There is a story that two groups of people had to eat with spoons with very long handles. The handles of the spoons were so long that they could not feed themselves, making them helpless. Suddenly there was laughter and laughter from one group. It turned out that they were not feeding themselves, but the people sitting opposite. Everyone got what they wanted to eat, and the process was very interesting. They were more happy than feeding themselves.

Caring for each other in marriage is similar. As human beings, both wives and husbands have reasonable and normal human needs, such as food and clothing, security, love and being loved, a sense of belonging, a sense of accomplishment (being able to contribute), a sense of value, etc. Both parties in a marriage have rights and responsibilities to take care of their own needs.

But you can't just take care of your own needs, you must have the other person in your heart. A good marriage is not about ignoring or sacrificing the needs of the other person to satisfy yourself, nor is it completely ignoring or sacrificing your own needs to satisfy the other person. Such a relationship is unhealthy and will not last long. I think for you, you think for me, I take care of you, and you take care of me. This is one and the other. A marriage with both partners can be a good marriage with quality.

Complete each other, followed by "perfection"

Fulfillment means cherishing the other person and being willing to help the other person achieve their wishes. It means helping the other person experience life and happiness in a way that the other person can accept, including fulfilling the other person's potential.Encourage the other person when they are not confident, and provide help when they need help; through practical actions, help the other person fully exert their life vitality and fulfill the destiny given by God, fully and without regrets.

To help each other, we need to help each other and ourselves, but we don't mean "only to help each other" or "only to me." "Only fulfilling me" is the enemy of a healthy marriage. "Only fulfilling the other person" means melting yourself into the other person's world, suppressing and sacrificing yourself. Unless it is a last resort, this is not healthy either. If the other person truly cares about you, your self-suppression will not make her/him happy, and blooming life will only be welcomed.

Completing each other is the joy of "emotionally mature" people. The characteristics are as follows:

1. Each other expands each other's world because of each other and allows themselves to grow. This is a healthy marriage in which people become bigger and each other's world becomes bigger (see Figure 2). They do not need to make themselves or each other smaller to accommodate each other, but organically integrate each other's worlds to become a larger shared space and create new lives in this dynamic space.

2. Understand your own needs and those of others, and know how to meet these needs. You don’t expect the other person to satisfy everything about you, and you also know that you can’t satisfy all the other person’s needs. They respect that each other has their own part of the world, has their own friends, and has time and space to be alone. They don't require the other party to do everything with them, as long as their hearts are together.

3. Understand each other’s responsibilities and boundaries. The other person's emotions and thoughts are their responsibility, not mine. What I can do is support and help. Conversely, I don't ask the other party to be responsible for my emotions and thoughts. My spouse can help me and support me, but he is not the one responsible. I am.

4. Understand the necessity of communication and communication. Many problems in marriage stem from poor communication. Always keeping communication channels open is an essential condition for establishing a harmonious relationship.

May you have a good marriage that makes each other perfect.

Li Wenping, coach trainer and International Coach Federation Certified Professional Coach (PCC), American Western Theological Seminary Certified Advanced Life Coach (ACTC), member of the American Association of Christian Counselors, retreat and cultural camp lecturer, book and magazine columnist. Life Coach Website:www.betterlivingcoach.com.