Why didn't you tell me?

▲When children need to talk about their grievances or share their joys, do parents listen and provide support, or do they respond with negative words or attitudes? (Image source: https://blog.chocchildrens.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/MomComfortGirl.jpg)

why don't you say

A friend has a habit of saying, "I don't know!" if you ask her something. At that time, she had liver cancer and didn't want others to know (even though everyone already knew it). Since she didn't want people to know, everyone just tacitly agreed and pretended not to know, so no one heard about her.

One day I called her and she said, "You are really like an angel. I just need someone to take me to the hospital for a re-examination." I drove to pick her up the next day and treated her to a meal after the re-examination. I didn’t expect that this friend who rarely talked about her personal affairs would actually tell me many little stories from her life! I realized then that if she realizes and accepts your sincere concern, her heart will be willing to open to you!

During the conversation that day, she mentioned that she had worked hard to earn money more than forty years ago to help her husband complete his PhD. Unfortunately, he later had an affair. In order not to make the children sad, I kept it secret for a long time and did not tell the truth until a few years after the children went to college.

They were very angry at their mother's concealment, which also deeply hurt the communication between parent and child. She said in a helpless and regretful tone: "Can you believe it? A few years ago, my son got married and he didn't tell me. It took a long time before he let me know."

My friend’s frustration and sadness make me feel heartbroken. Her original intention of "not telling" was to protect her child from harm, but she didn't expect that her child would also suppress such an important decision in his life.

This made me think: There will always be difficulties, big or small, in life. Should I tell others about it at this time? So what? When should you say it, when should you not say it, and how do you decide between them?

We may have heard this saying: "If you have problems, you should hide them, otherwise you will be embarrassed and looked down upon. Don't expose family scandals to the public." Maybe we got this answer when complaining to others: "What's so sad about this!" Or in When I feel wronged, I need someone to listen and comfort me, but the response I get is: "Didn't I tell you that this would happen? You should have..."

Gradually, the walls between people are getting thicker and higher, and we are reluctant to reveal our true feelings even to our closest family members. When children grow up, they don’t know their parents, and parents don’t understand their children either, and it’s difficult for siblings to be harmonious. How to tear down this wall? How can we rebuild a relationship after it has been broken down?

Recently I heard some parents lament that when their children become adults, they are reluctant to tell their parents about "important" things or decisions. Why? I asked two young men in their twenties. One said, "I tell my parents wherever I want to go, because most of the time they say yes and respect my decision." Another said, "I don't tell them because we have very different ideas. I think it's OK. They don’t take it seriously, so I have to put effort into wording my ideas and clean up the mess when they reject my ideas.”

Does what the child says or not say largely depends on the parents' response after hearing it? The so-called communication should be a two-way flow, coming and going. When one party often uses "rejection" as a response to the other party's communication, over time the channel will become clogged and blocked.

▲When the children are young, parents educate them with all their heart; when they grow up, they let them leave the nest with peace of mind. (Image source: https://www.backyardchirper.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/DSC09470.jpg, https://laurawooten.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/week20-001. jpg)

Help children grow up

There is an old saying: "There are no bad parents in the world." We should respect and honor our parents, but does this really mean that parents can control their children according to their own will? Some people believe that parents' responsibilities last a lifetime, so they have to make decisions for their children throughout their lives; and children must be completely obedient throughout their lives, which is called filial piety.

I can understand that parents are deeply afraid of their children being hurt. They always feel that they are young and have little experience, so they want to plan the best future for them and shield them from all possible pain and suffering. Children's opinions, thoughts, and decisions are just selfish, thoughtless, and immature in the eyes of "experienced people" like parents; responding to children's suggestions or requests is nothing but denial. But in this case, how can the child "grow up"? As parents, how long can we protect them? How much burden can you help them carry?

Someone once saw a small hole appearing on the butterfly chrysalis. The butterfly inside struggled with all its strength to get out of the small hole. After a long time, it seemed that there was no progress at all. He decided to do a "good" thing and found a pair of scissors to cut open the pupa so that the butterfly could come out easily. Unexpectedly, the shape of a butterfly without struggle is very special - its body is swollen and its wings are thin. The butterfly, which lost the ability to spread its wings, soon lost its life.

A child's growth is like the experience of a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Only through "struggle" can it fly high. In order to prepare children to be independent in the future, they must go through "struggle" in their lives. Those opinions and decisions that seem immature to parents are opportunities for children to exercise their wings. Maybe the first few test flights will not go well or even cause injuries. What should parents do at this time? In order to ensure the safety of our children, shouldn’t we let them fly?

If parents let their children grow up and pray for them every day; especially when they encounter difficulties, let them learn to rely on God and experience God's love and training, their children will eventually understand and choose to follow God's will. Right path.

When their children's wings have grown and they can fly, but parents still expect them to stay in the nest, then we have a problem! I myself have experienced a child leaving the nest, and it’s really hard to let go! But God has a sense of humor and reminds me every year with a bird’s nest in the treetops.

As soon as spring arrives, you can see the father and mother birds working tirelessly, flying back and forth countless times, carrying a branch or grass in their mouths, and building the nest bit by bit; then the mother bird hatches the eggs, which are cold-resistant, wind-resistant, and rain-resistant. Until the baby bird is born; then the two birds go back and forth to find food to feed the baby bird. Until one day, the bird's nest suddenly became empty. It turned out that the young birds had grown up and flown away. I have never seen the mother bird take them back again!

Raising children is like learning to fly a kite. You hope they will fly high, but you are deeply afraid that they will not fly high. When they fly high or far away, they are afraid that they will not be able to pull them back! Think about it, what are you going to do? If your children stay by your side, they won't be able to "achieve big goals." Are you really willing? Put it, put it, put it, put it quickly!

▲Let the child fly! This is trust in children and trust in God. (Image source: http://mb.cision.com/Public/6695/9599448/affc6b731c547423_org.jpg)

Encourage children to talk

How to maintain a good relationship and good communication between the two generations? Speaking is as important as listening. Listen with certainty and speak with wisdom. Before hoping that their children are willing to listen to what they say, parents should first think about whether they have heard what their children really want to express; before hoping that their children are willing to say something to themselves, parents should first think about whether their answers will encourage them to continue communicating. . Just ask, if every time a child asks his or her parents for their opinions, the answer they get is always negative, sometimes with worries, blames, arguments, etc. After a few times, our smart children have learned that "the more you speak, the more likely you are to be wrong, and the more you speak, the more likely you are to be wrong."

When children are willing to share their opinions, thoughts, and decisions, parents should resist criticism and rejection, listen carefully to what they have to say, and respond with more positive attitudes and words. Especially adult children, who honestly don’t have to ask their parents for permission anymore. They are willing to say it because they need affirmation and blessing. Even if parents have to remind or give advice, they should express it in a constructive way.

Parents all hope to continue to exert influence on their children's lives, and they are also willing to continue to inject nutrients into their children's lives. We love our children and are willing to bless them, so why can’t love and blessings come out? In other words, why do children feel negative messages when they want to express love and blessings?

Maybe "we all grew up like this" is a valid excuse. But parents! Are you willing to pass on this parenting style to the next generation? There are many resources available to help us learn and practice expressing love and blessings in life-building ways. There will always be a "generation gap" between two generations, but we and our children don't always have to stand on opposite sides of the abyss to shout. We can build bridges and bring the two generations together.

I once heard about an adult "child" who traveled to Europe alone. He didn't tell his family before departure, and his mother couldn't find him on the phone for several days. He may think that if he tells his mother, she will definitely say: "Don't go, it's too dangerous!" "You just started making money, don't spend it randomly when you save it, it's not worth wasting it on "play"! "Why didn't you wait for us to go together?"

Does the parent make the child feel that they do not trust his or her decisions, or that they think his decisions are bad? He seemed to be able to anticipate these negative reactions, so he was afraid of them and simply didn't say anything. Even if I get scolded when I come back, at least I went to play.

Parents will definitely have some level of worry when their children travel far away. Rather than "expanding" your worries before something happens, limiting your children and putting unnecessary burdens on yourself, it is better to gently remind them to keep in touch via video and social media while you are away, and let your children know that you are praying for him/her.

Having said that, trusting your children is also trusting yourself, knowing that you have taught and trained your children well, and they can make wise decisions. At the same time, this is also trust in God. I believe that even when I am "out of reach", God's arm is still strong enough and can still protect and guide my children.

Let the connection become a blessing

Sometimes children are reluctant to tell their parents about sad things because they are afraid of worrying them. This is the child's consideration. Indeed, many times when parents know, not only are they helpless, but they may also be more sad than their children, and instead ask their children to comfort and encourage them. If we let our children know that Almighty God is our backing, parents cannot but God can! When parents pray for their children, they bring themselves and their children before the Lord together, and the whole family experiences God together.

Look at our relationship with our Heavenly Father in this light. As Proverbs 3:5 says: “Don’t rely on your own understanding.” Because when we want to bear the burden of our children, before we pray to our Heavenly Father, we must first think of a way and worry about whether we will have enough. What does it mean to rely on oneself?

Of course, parents want to have a close relationship with their children, so they expect parents and children to talk to each other about everything, and they also want their children to respect and trust their parents’ opinions. It’s just that children also want to stretch their wings and need to be independent. If you reach the age when you should be independent and still seek your parents' approval and approval for everything, this will turn into pathological dependence. What parents need to learn is to encourage and train their children to do it on their own. Discussions and exchanges of ideas are welcome, but they do not insist on consistent conclusions and practices between the two generations.

It doesn’t matter if the decision your child makes leads to an undesirable outcome. Sometimes it is necessary to find a feasible way through trial and error, which also helps to cultivate children to become responsible people. In this way, the close connection with family members will not become a hindrance, but will become a blessing.

▲Don’t let excessive worry hinder your children. Let your children bear the consequences of their decisions. Encourage and comfort them in a timely manner and bless them.

(Image source: http://cdn.trustedpartner.com/images/library/AlpertJewishFamilyAndChildrensService2011/4_

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Learn Heavenly Father’s Love

Parents have a high status and great responsibilities, but they are still just weak people who can get hurt and hurt others. Just like we hope that our children will be willing to repent and ask for forgiveness when they make mistakes; when we make mistakes, we also need to return to the Lord to repent, ask for forgiveness, and apologize to our children. This also sets an example for the children that God, who is faithful and righteous, will accept sincere repentance.

Heavenly Father loves children and he loves parents. When we have grievances or encounter difficulties, Heavenly Father also expects us to confide in Him without fear. He also gives us wisdom and truth to guide us as we make important decisions. He allows us to make bad decisions and allows us to learn and grow from the consequences. He does not “sweep us out” just because we are disobedient, but rather waits for us to turn around. He has promised to hold us in His arms until our hairs are gray.

Ask Heavenly Father to embrace me and give me His love so that I can love. Don’t think that as parents, having this title means that we are “saints.” We should humbly learn from the Lord, take up the cross and follow the Lord.

Only after knowing the love of Heavenly Father can parents know how to love their children. "We know and believe that God loves us with our hearts. God is love; whoever abides in love abides in God, and God in him. In this way, love is perfected in us, and we can judge live with confidence, for as he is, so are we in this world." (1 John 4:16-17) Ask God to help us. Instead of asking our children, "Why didn't you tell me?" we should encourage them: " My child, I want to hear what you have to say.”

Author profile

Xue Yueyue and her husband He Mingzhi are from Taiwan and now live on the east coast of the United States. He teaches "couple relationships" and "child rearing" in adult Sunday school classes, and also tutors some young people, and serves as the couple leader of the American Family Renewal Association's Loving Couples Camp.