100% woman

Confessions of a homosexual

Oral/Yuanyuan

Organizing/Liao Meihui

Origin

The reason why I am who I am today is probably inseparable from the person I was in the summer when I was eleven years old.

That summer, I had just entered the fifth grade of elementary school. My father failed in business and my mother went out to work to pay off debts. My two younger sisters and I were sent to my grandfather's house in the south, where we lived for two years.

Grandpa said that he liked his grandson, but his mother failed to live up to expectations and gave birth to three daughters in a row. At that time, it was not clear why my grandpa liked to cut my hair as short as a little boy's. His reason was: "Short hair in summer is easier to wash and manage!" I don't object to my grandpa's opinion. There are indeed benefits to having short hair. Not less: refreshing, less hassle, and no need to spend money on hair accessories. I just didn't expect that from then on, from the summer when I was eleven to forty-one, for thirty years, no matter whether it was scorching hot summer or freezing cold winter, short hair would become my only hairstyle.

In addition to my hairstyle, my grandpa also likes me to wear long pants. The strange thing is that I don’t object to it. Wearing long pants makes it easy to ride a bicycle, and it’s also easy to climb trees and run. Why not do it? However, my two younger sisters, who are one or two years younger than me, insist on wearing long hair and long skirts. Originally, the two of them were naturally beautiful, with beautiful facial features and fair skin. They looked even more delicate in skirts.

My sister loves to dress up and is very happy for them. She even likes to look at them secretly. I dare not tell anyone, but in fact, deep down, I regard them as girlfriends more than sisters.

Romeo and Juliet

Looking back on the summer when I was eleven years old, I don’t know if it has laid the foundation for what happened during my college graduation trip!

After graduating from elementary school, I returned to Taipei to live with my parents. Six years of youth in junior high school and high school were dedicated to the joint entrance examination. At that time, I had no interest in the opposite sex at all, and instead regarded boys as competitors. At the same time, I always have two beautiful sisters by my side, which makes me feel proud and satisfied.

I was admitted to my first choice in high school and entered the highest university as I wished. During my four years in college, if I were to talk about what I am most proud of, it would probably be being selected as the captain of the track and field team. When I was a sophomore, I started to get to know Rong, who was in the same class. We had a good relationship and she was very envious of my flying legs. Rong has delicate skin, joins a choir, and plays the piano well. We often meet up to eat in restaurants and go to and from get out of class together. The days pass by like a teenager who doesn’t know how to worry.

Until the second semester of my senior year, my classmates knew that we were very close and went to see "Love Story" starring Ryan O' Neal together, so they gave us one Nicknamed "Romeo and Juliet". After being given this nickname, subtle changes began to occur between Rong and me.

When I graduated from college, instead of taking a class trip around the island, I decided to take a risk. This is the most daring adventure I have taken since I was twenty-two years old, which is to invite Rong to Hualien for three days and two nights, a graduation trip for just the two of us. She agreed!

It was in a hotel in Hualien. I don’t know if I can blame “hormones” or youthful curiosity. I invited Rong and we took a shower together to save time. After dinner, we lay in bed watching TV and chatting. At first, everything was natural and not awkward. Slowly, we held hands, skin touched skin... I turned off the light... Starting from the lips, we touched and explored each other's bodies... If I had turned on the light right then, my life would have been completely different. But no, I closed my eyes tightly and continued to explore, sinking deeper and deeper until I was out of control.

I'm getting married

After graduating from college, everything went according to my original plan, preparing for the TOEFL and then studying in the United States. Rong was unable to go abroad due to family reasons. A year later, I called Rong and told her, "I'm getting married!" There was no scream from the other end of the phone, just a simple sentence, "That's great, I wish you happiness!"

Rong understands me very well, and she loves me because she knows that it is not easy for me to find a partner. My husband is my senior student and has not had any relatives or friends in the United States for many years. We got married just to keep each other warm.

The days after marriage did not bring me happiness. My husband and I had different personalities. The real honeymoon period was only three days, and we spent the rest of our lives in quarrels and quarrels. I still talk to Rong on the phone frequently, and my husband doesn’t stop us, nor does he have any suspicion. He thinks we are just college “sisters” who have a close relationship.

In 1993, a Christian colleague saw that my marriage was not happy and encouraged me to go to church. I entered the church with a dubious attitude. No one knew the secret between Rong and I. I thought that since God is omniscient and omnipotent, there is no need to open my mouth to explain anything to Him, because He knows everything. Sometimes I feel that this is my personal private matter and no one else will understand it if I tell it. Sometimes I feel so ashamed and guilty. Even I don’t know what I am thinking, wanting, and afraid of.

try to confess

More than a decade ago, homosexuality was rarely discussed openly in Chinese society. In the Chinese church I attended in Southern California, I never heard the pastor preach this message. I also struggled with whether or not to confess my feelings. If my family knew that I had homosexual tendencies, would they accept me? Will friends around me laugh at me? Will the pastor kick me out? In the dead of night, I often blame myself for being a masked person. At one point, I even wanted to have sex reassignment surgery.

During the five years I was in that church, I fell in love with a single sister from Hong Kong. Because I can speak Cantonese, I often take the initiative to talk to her. This sister has long hair, a sweet voice, and is fashionably dressed. I don’t know why, whenever I see her, I feel very happy and want to see her more. I also like to sit next to her during the lunch banquet. Soon, this sister started to "stay away" from me. After all, my heart could not bear this heavy secret for a long time. With the understanding of the truth of the Bible and my trust in the church and the pastor, on the eve of Easter in 1998, I finally took the initiative to inquire about the topic of homosexuality with my wife.

My wife, who is astute as she is, has studied psychological counseling. When she learned that I had homosexual tendencies, she was not shocked, angry or disappointed. Instead, she asked, "Can I give you a hug and pray for you?" When she hugged you, At that moment, I broke down and cried. After nearly twenty years of long-term depression, I felt released for the first time.

My wife told me very clearly that this was something that did not please God, and I had to cut through the mess quickly. I am very grateful to my wife for not revealing my "identity" to the church. Although I keep a certain distance from that sister, I still miss Rong. She is the only one in the world who knows me best and loves me most.

I'm still running away. Run away from your husband, run away from your wife, run away from yourself, run away from God. I wasn't ready to face the problem yet.

be myself

The turning point of things happened in early 1999. That night, I had a fierce argument with my husband. At that time, I was ready for divorce and even wanted to return to Taiwan to find Rong. But suddenly a small voice said: "I gave you this marriage to train you and save you!" This sentence floated repeatedly in my mind. Somehow, the anger in my heart was suddenly extinguished by an invisible fire extinguisher, and I felt full of peace in my heart. I knew clearly that this was an idea from God, because with my old personality, I must have been violent, but at this time, no matter what my husband did, No matter how he scolded or humiliated me, I would not reply. After three hours, he also became quiet.

During those three hours, I knew for sure that God had intervened in my life. I said to God: "I heard about you before, but now I see you with my own eyes! I don't want to divorce, it depends on how you save me." The next day, I took the initiative to seek help from my wife, and told her, "The relationship between Rong and God is , I want God!” So my wife referred me to a professional Christian counselor and I received psychological counseling for a year.

It turns out that I have never been able to accept myself; it turns out that what I want most is love, which I don’t get from my parents, but I don’t want to accept my husband’s love because I have always regarded men as competitors, so how can I love him. Since the summer when I was in fifth grade, I have told myself that I am no worse than a man. When I protected my sister and Rong, I felt a great sense of satisfaction and affirmation. In this way, step by step, I gradually wiped out my feminine nature.

"Confessing guilt" is always the first step in pursuing change. In the process of receiving professional counseling, I knew that the Holy Spirit was at work, healing me from the root, and adding the words of the Bible, leading me to the light step by step. Unless I first confess my sins to God, His true light cannot shine into my heart and drive away the darkness within.

When I talked to Rong for the last time, I said to her: "Between you and God, I want God! I want to be myself, and I am a 100% woman." On the other end of the phone, she said calmly: " Very good, I wish you happiness!"

My relationship with my husband has gradually reconciled, and I have also started to practice wearing skirts. Although my walking posture is not very elegant, I don't care. Nowadays, I have so much love that I want to give it to. I really want to have a baby!

(To protect the author, the characters, places, and people in the text have been appropriately changed.)