when invisible
Jian Hailan's spiritual notes through the tunnel of life
Photo courtesy/Jian Hailan
▲The baby in the manger─Jesus (mother’s handicraft).
In fact, there are many exits in life. There are no things that are difficult to overcome in the world, only difficult feelings...
When I was a child, I often took the train to my uncle's house during summer vacation. Whenever the train passed through a tunnel, it was pitch black and I couldn't see my fingers, which often gave rise to an unexpected fear. Come to think of it, people often use dark tunnels as a metaphor for difficult days in life, which is actually quite vivid. Thank God, after I gained faith, I often encouraged myself not to be discouraged in those dark days when the sun could not be seen. Even if there were endless railways and tunnels in the mountainous area, one after another, I could still know that the Lord is with us and with us through faith. We walk together without fear in His love. If you keep at it, you will get out of the tunnel one day.
A pastor I respect very much once said something that I will always remember. He said that suffering is a part of life. Although everyone does not like suffering, suffering is inevitable. Different people will encounter hardships at different stages of life. Whether the dark tunnel is good for you depends on whether you blame others; blame God? Or invite God to come with you?
▲On Thanksgiving Day 2016, Hailan (front row, left) took a photo with her family.
Facing suffering calmly
Thank God, when I first started taking care of my mother, I happened to meet a pastor I knew well. When I told him about my worries, he patted me on the shoulder with a smile on his face and said, "It's okay, don't be afraid! God has promised us "Whatever the day, so will my strength!" Therefore, after three years of accompanying my mother who was seriously ill and in need of peaceful care, no matter how hard the days were along the way, I could hold on to these words and look firmly to the Lord Jesus who loves us, knowing clearly that, He is our ever-present help.
In the last stage of her life, my mother continued to suffer from various physical hardships and the psychological affection that she could not let go of. Even though she realized that she had lost her independent will and ability to take care of herself, she still tried her best to maintain her dignity. Until four days before his death, he was no longer able to get up on his own. The three of us on the side worked together to lift him, turned around and placed him on the artificial toilet next to the bed. The completely eroded skin and bones were immediately scratched and bleeding!
She asked me: What is the situation now? I answered her: Mom, you are going to start lying in bed! She stubbornly closed her eyes and pursed her lips, as if determined to give up and continue fighting with fate. She looked at me with nostalgic eyes and said, "How can I repay you?" I kept shaking my head, feeling the sadness and beauty of her sunset, and I felt extremely cherished and moved in my heart!
My mother had played the rest in her score all her life, but soon after that rest, I started playing the music again! In July 2016, I was invited to a sister’s fellowship in a church in Virginia to help several single-parent sisters who were recently widowed. At that time, my ankle bone, which had been treated for nearly two months after a fall, had just healed, so I drove four hours to share my testimony.
Later, during the successive attacks of dizziness, I shared my journey of "walking the last stage with my loved ones" at the church's Evergreen Fellowship and the Philadelphia Gospel Fellowship twice in a row. At that time, I suffered from vertigo four times in a row. I had emergency visits, hospitalizations, tests, and follow-up visits. It was like I was walking in the never-ending darkness, with no prospects at all!
When dizziness occurred again and I was involved in a car accident, in addition to repeating all the above processes, I also received three months of rehabilitation treatment, and experienced more profound trials. However, the lesson I learned from my mother to look exclusively at the Lord Jesus helped me go through the "invisible time" when I was suffering from illness!
Writer Eileen Chang said: "Because of experience, I understand; because I understand, I cherish it." For a year and a half after her mother passed away, she was unable to stand due to dizziness when she was hospitalized, and she relied on the help of nursing staff. Crutches, artificial toilets, walking aids, and wheelchairs are all around him; for every inspection, male caregivers have to painstakingly push, drag, and pull him before he can be moved to a mobile cart and sent for various inspections. I'm so helpless! I had no choice but to announce to my siblings: "Mom has been resurrected, and you will all call me mom from now on!" They laughed, but I could only smile bitterly!
I really can’t believe it, twenty-seven years have passed between me and my mother, why are we here all of a sudden? ! "There is nothing new under the sun." Everyone ages! "The past is not like smoke." With my mother still in front of my eyes, I carefully review the almost unbearable pain, every bit of begging God for mercy... I patiently obeyed God's will, and my eyes widened. With my eyes fixed on His arrangements, I realized: He wants me to experience His countless graces again through every suffering I endure! Let me see the true light in the invisible darkness and get closer to Him!
In fact, there are many exits in life. There is nothing that is difficult to deal with in the world, only the mood that cannot be overcome. If you change your state of mind, you can get the release of your soul. I remember that Teacher Su Wen’an once taught us in the KRC camp: “Every wound in life is an entrance to God’s great love and power; when we are healed and renewed, we become an outlet to share God’s miraculous grace. No matter you No matter what kind of life journey you are going through, what kind of hardships and trials you are going through, if you are willing to trust God, you will definitely experience comfort, healing and real help in every process!”
▲Hailan went shopping in a department store with her grandson and granddaughter on Thanksgiving Day 2016.
Take up the challenge again
I have been serving in the single parent camps organized by By Streams of Water for many years. Because last year’s thanksgiving gathering needed to teach a lesson on “rest and comfort”, I asked the current president of By Streams of Water, Wen Professor Yingqian was invited to be a lecturer. From accepting the invitation six months before the camp was held to three months later when Professor Wen called to confirm, I was still lying on the bed in the rehabilitation center, but I still confidently affirmed my attendance. Because I have experienced many times that God never fails to do anything—He can, He is willing, and He has helped me! As long as He wants to use me, I don't need to worry.
After getting the original course materials, I was still dumbfounded! I have to translate more than ten English pages into Chinese and make a PowerPoint video. God, can I really do it? But I suddenly remembered that in the past, every time Teacher Su Wen'an gave me new homework, if I didn't have the confidence to follow it, he always encouraged me to take it as a challenge, overcome it one by one and grow from it! I think back then, I had even tried the script and dialogue for the KRC promotional video, so what else was there to be afraid of? At this time, almost all the eighteen martial arts skills learned at KRC came in handy: translation, editing, interviews, etc. Single parents and friends were also invited to temporarily intervene for a few minutes to testify to avoid boring courses; or they could tell a topic-related topic at the beginning. The short story brings everyone into the situation; before the end, a touching video will be shown to give everyone endless aftertaste! I believe these "secret tips" will look familiar to KRC students!
Finally, I found a neighbor to teach me how to make the translated materials into a PowerPoint video. After editing, polishing, illustrations, and annotations, I added my own life experiences and examples of God’s guidance along the way. After practicing it several times, I finally figured it out. On time, not too much overtime, and no awkward and speechless moments. Finally, passed the test! Looking back afterwards, I am filled with endless gratitude for the years of study at KRC, the teachers’ selfless teachings, and the students’ mutual discussions!
▲Hailan shared at the 2016 Single Parent Camp Thanksgiving Party.
I still remember that being a single parent at the beginning was a path full of trauma. However, when I first mustered up the courage to share my testimony at the church’s Thanksgiving gathering, I was surprised—God led me to become another new creation in Christ! And after this challenge, I saw another new thing God did in me!
"Every blow is a real benefit. Whatever God takes away, He will replace with Himself." My husband passed away from liver cancer in the United States 22 years ago. At that time, I was very sad and told my family several times. I must die! After so many years, I have deeply realized from various experiences that God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent.
Thank you for always leading me and allowing our family of three to be baptized together as Christians before my husband passed away! Although God did not heal my husband’s body, he healed the hearts of many people around me. "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it will not bear much fruit." If we know that God is sovereign over everything, we can accept God's arrangements and know that everything that comes from Him is The best!
The fragile life of everyone in the world can disappear at any time, and everything becomes nothing in an instant! Only those who hold Christian faith can face loss with a grateful heart, cherish what they have, and believe in hope!
Author profile
Jian Hailan, a literary worker, before her mother passed away, according to her wish, she compiled her scattered articles in newspapers and magazines into a book - "Thrilling when Turning the Page". He is now a special writer for this magazine and the columnist of "Haihai Life" in Taiwan's "CITIC Monthly".
Three years after immigrating to the United States from Taiwan and becoming widowed, he became a Christian by grace. During this period, he served in single parent ministry for more than ten years. In recent years, I have often been invited to church fellowships or camps to share my experience of accompanying my ailing mother on her last journey of life.