Whose limitations become your limitations?

[Relationship in the screen mirror] 10

A Chinese sister in the United States is very popular in the company. There was a period of racial conflicts in society that dominated the major media, and there were a lot of discussions in various social circles. How could this sister think there is any racial discrimination? It’s all fiction and a political attempt! When two friends disagreed with her, she became furious and blocked her friends in social circles.

Another Chinese brother was blocked from promotion because he believed it was because of the racial ceiling. I switched jobs to another company, only to find that the world was as dark as crows. I became cynical and my relationship with my boss and colleagues was also adversely affected.

In relationships, personal experience can be either a blessing or a curse. The key is whether you are limited by it. It is a good thing that the above-mentioned sister is in good circumstances. Unfortunately, she substitutes her personal experience for the experience of others, or even for the experience of different ethnic groups. Therefore, good experiences have become a limitation of her vision. As a result, her good relationship with her colleagues has caused her bad relationship with her friends.

Likewise, the above-mentioned brother’s personal experience and his interpretation of his experience made him look at things from a racial perspective. Perhaps his boss is indeed suspected of racial discrimination, but being cynical about this has made his boss's possible limitations become his real limitations.

The Limitations of Others and Your “Destiny”

Letting other people's limitations become your own limitations is a phenomenon that is also common in other relationships. For example, many people will say that what I am today is because of my family of origin, my parents. When some people say it, they mean that there is nothing they can do, and the uncooked rice has become cooked rice. This is actually letting your parents' limitations become your own limitations.

Similarly, someone agrees with their spouse's low opinion of them, so their spouse's limitations become their own limitations; a customer gets angry when the clerk treats him arrogantly, so the clerk's limitations become his limitations; if our relatives don't respect us, we won't respect them either. This relative retaliates tooth for tooth, so the limitations of this relative become our limitations...

Limitations of this kind are unexpected and appear endlessly in interpersonal interactions, and they seem to be "natural" to us. In the days of flowing water, such "naturalness" continues one after another, and is arranged in life and life. Many people see its influence and repetition and call it "fate".

Psychologist Carl Jung said:"Unless you let your subconscious becomeConsciousness, otherwise it will direct your life and you will call it destiny. "

To put it bluntly, "subconscious" refers to deep-rooted beliefs and desires that have a huge impact on us without going through rationality, and have become natural thinking habits. We believe it so deeply, so accustomed to it, that we don’t question it or notice it.

Awareness and questioning are the beginning of changing this limitation and "fate", and sometimes it requires prompting from the outside world in some way. When I meet people who are trapped in their family of origin in my coaching services, I often use different ways to convey this message: "Good news! That's in the past. Today, as an adult, you can choose how much it affects you." Influence."

The word "good news" often makes these depressed customers stunned; some customers will be thoughtful or have a sudden realization - at that moment, things from the subconscious level emerge to the conscious level, and are noticed and evaluated for the first time. When he realized and looked at it, the existence of "truth" was questioned, so the free Xiao He showed his sharp horns, and things like "fate" met their nemesis.

I still remember the expression of a young man not long ago. He changed jobs frequently and remained silent because he was afraid to speak in meetings. However, he felt ignored and felt unfair and helpless. He blamed his family of origin and said he had a bad fate. When he heard my "good news," he was so surprised that stars appeared in his eyes. At the end, he thanked me very much for providing such a perspective, saying that he found that the road in front of him suddenly opened up a lot, and it turned out that he could make choices for himself.

I believe that this young man's "fate" will begin to change in a positive direction due to his awareness and change of his habitual thinking. Because self-awareness is an action that takes place within oneself, an action that takes place at the root, and is the starting point for effective self-management. It has far-reaching influence from the inside out.

So, how do you avoid limitations that “catch” you unknowingly?

First, we must be aware of the existence of limitations that “come in” from others and the environment, and refuse toAbsolutelyit.

Condoleezza Rice, the former U.S. Secretary of State and National Security Advisor, is African-American and was born in Birmingham, Alabama, where racial discrimination is quite serious. A reporter asked her what is the secret to reaching such a high position. Rice said her parents have told her since she was a child: "Don't let Birmingham's limitation be your limitation."

For Rice, the limitations of Birmingham were not something that struck him, but were placed under his hood from birth. "Birmingham limitation" does limit many people, but not all people. And being aware of its limitations and rejecting its limitations is the prerequisite for getting out of it.

Second, set your own life intentions.

Life intention is to know how you want to live. It is a guiding principle, like a compass, which allows people to make choices that break limitations and becomes the basis for choices.

Xiaoyue had high blood pressure for a while, had difficulty sleeping, was often nervous, had headaches, and was anxious. She tended to avoid things and shrink her life circle. How to solve these problems? Among the many coping methods, a very important step is to help her explore and determine her life intentions. Later, when facing some things, she was able to make choices based on her life intention of "living a good life". For example, people who were originally inclined to escape later choose to embrace them and face them with grace and principle; people who were initially bored can finally choose to treat others with kindness and wisdom. By accumulating these things one by one, the psychological muscles have been trained. After a few months, the state of life has been greatly improved: I have a greater sense of freedom, joy, and openness, and I am more bold and calm when encountering problems. The limitations that came to her in the first place cannot continue to be her limitations because of her conscious choice.

Third, establish your core identity.

The core identity is like a person's "center of gravity." Life can be ever-changing, but people with a stable center of gravity can cope with all changes without changing, and their hearts will be stable; if their center of gravity is unstable, their hearts will be easily influenced by the people around them and what happens.

There is a very talented sister who stays at home full time after marriage in order to raise her children and reach an agreement with her husband. However, her husband has gradually drifted away from her original intention. He often feels superior because he earns money to support the family. He feels that she is useless and his words are often derogatory. Every time her husband comes home from a business trip, she feels nervous and afraid, because he will talk about how successful he is and how many people praise and admire him, but how mediocre and useless she is, not doing this well or doing that well. She felt very uncomfortable, but she felt that what her husband said was reasonable, so she became more and more depressed. Her husband's limitations became her limitations.

Later, we discussed her identity together, and she reaffirmed her core identity as the daughter of God, whom Christ died to redeem. This means that her value is not determined by how much money she earns, but by her status and the perspective of Christ; whether she is useful is not measured by how much money she earns, nor is it determined by her husband's perspective, but by her husband's perspective. It is determined by her contribution to her family and other aspects. After regaining a measurement system that was completely different from her husband's, the layers of dust in her heart quickly fell away, and the smile reappeared on her face. The limitations of her husband's vision were no longer her limitations. The interaction between husband and wife also takes a new positive direction from here.

4. Get in touch with a higher and larger pattern.

I remember when I was in junior high school, a trainee teacher came to teach English from our remote middle school in a small town. They are all technical secondary school students. They are teachers for the first time and are very nervous. When a trainee teacher pronounced the sound "she", we burst into laughter because the scene and the pronunciation were so different from what the local teachers taught. The student teacher's face suddenly turned crimson.

Later, when I was admitted to a key county high school and left a remote town, I realized that what the local teachers taught was wrong and that the trainee teachers who were laughed at were right. It’s so shameful, we were so confident that we were wrong, and the limitations of local teachers became our limitations; and if we didn’t go out and get in touch with the wider world, the limitations of the small town became my limitations. This is not just a matter of pronunciation of a word.

Queen Esther in the Bible, when the king did not summon her in the inner courtyard for 30 days (seemingly out of favor), for the sake of her people, she risked being executed for entering the inner courtyard without permission, went to see the king, and passed the back door. A series of actions changed the course of history. The courage that is not limited by the limitations of the environment does not arise out of thin air, but because she has a higher king in her heart - God, and a larger pattern than personal safety - the safety of the entire clan. This makes her jump beyond what the king has given her. Despite her limitations, she became a brave, wise, graced woman who made outstanding contributions.

Has anyone’s limitation become your limitation? How can you break out of that limitation?

Li Wenping, coach trainer and International Coach Federation Certified Professional Coach (PCC), American Western Theological Seminary Certified Advanced Life Coach (ACTC), member of the American Association of Christian Counselors, retreat and cultural camp lecturer, book and magazine columnist. Life Coach Website:www.betterlivingcoach.com.