Negotiation Negotiation Waltz
▲Support each other with a blessing attitude and dance the waltz of negotiation.
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Negotiation, in the eyes of the Chinese, a country of etiquette, is a formidable and dangerous word. It's like talking to the other party with a sharp sword, it's a battle between talking and laughing, attacking and defending at every turn. Although they are friendly on the surface, in fact they have clear barriers and are working step by step to protect their own interests. Once the negotiations broke down, the two sides immediately came to blows. It seems that in the atmosphere of negotiation, there is always coldness in the warmth, swords in the peace, danger in the safety, calculations in the politeness, deceit in the sincerity, which makes people nervous.
Negotiation? Negotiate?
However, in Western culture, Negotiation is used in a broader and more peaceful way, and is seen as a way to resolve differences. It not only refers to international relations or business negotiations, but also includes discussions of different opinions in daily life. Negotiation, by definition, refers to a dialogue between two parties holding different positions or views in order to reach a consensus. The Oxford Dictionary explains it as "a process of discussion to reach agreement." Therefore, the goal of Negotiation is to seek consensus, with an emphasis on communication and dialogue.
It is not easy to use one word in Chinese to express and accommodate the meaning and scope of both ends of the spectrum, conflict and peace. In recent years, in addition to the word "negotiation" used exclusively in diplomacy or business, the broader word more commonly used to express negotiation is "consultation", which means coordination and discussion. This is much easier, gentler and kinder than "negotiation". It is through the exchange of opinions that answers to problems can be obtained. The words are spoken with sincerity and respect, full of kindness, consideration and peace. Negotiation to resolve the different opinions and conflicts of interest between the two parties has become an important tool commonly used to resolve disputes.
Some people say that life is all about negotiation; rather, life is all about negotiation. From major national affairs to small matters in life, coordination and communication are needed to integrate different opinions and reach a consensus. There is no consensus in the Chinese-speaking world as to whether there is a difference between negotiation and negotiation. Some people make the distinction based on the occasion of dialogue, and believe that the diplomatic market is negotiation, and private life is negotiation; some people make the distinction based on the way of dialogue, and believe that competition and opposition are negotiation, and cooperation and resolution are negotiation; some people think that there is no difference between the two, and negotiation is negotiation. That is negotiation. Whether it is negotiation or consultation, it is a kind of communication and dialogue to solve the conflicts and problems at hand.
▲Negotiation? Negotiate? Behind different vocabulary are different attitudes towards handling conflicts.
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Negotiation to resolve conflicts
Jimmy would use his only vacation every year to accompany his wife Jenny to visit his parents-in-law. Not only did he help clean and renovate his parents-in-law's house, but he also helped them with some things. This year he decided to take the whole family on vacation to arrange quality time for the family to spend time together and to give everyone a rest physically, mentally and spiritually. Jenny believes that this is the only time of year when you can visit your parents, and if you arrange a vacation, your parents will definitely be disappointed. The two had a dispute.
This kind of conflict often occurs in your life and mine. How to solve? What the couple needs is negotiation. The professional community has developed many theories and techniques to help people resolve conflicts through negotiation. The most well-known among them is the TKI Conflict Mode Instrument (Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument)1 developed by Professors Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann in the 1970s. In the early conflict management profession Dominate the field.
TKI summarizes the communication process of conflict resolution and summarizes five different conflict resolution models based on the differences in expectations for "goal achievement" and "maintenance of interpersonal relationships":
1. Competitive winner type (you lose and I win)─I would rather lose the relationship to achieve the goal.
2. Compromise and surrender type (I lose, you win) - giving up goals in order to maintain the relationship.
3. The avoidance and abandonment type (you lose, I lose) - giving up the goal and not caring about the relationship.
4. Middle compromise type (you lose a little and I lose a little) - each gives up some goals in order to maintain some relationships.
5. Cooperation and resolution type (you win and I win) - achieve the goal and maintain the relationship.
This set of TKI models can help us understand which mode we are accustomed to using in conflicts; during the negotiation process, the methods used are tough or gentle.
People who adopt tough tactics tend to regard conflict resolution as a competition and challenge of willpower. They often take extreme positions and stick to them to the end, which in turn triggers a strong backlash from the other party, triggers confrontation, and ultimately harms the relationship.
People who communicate gently are prone to compromise in order to avoid conflicts. Such people often value relationships and hope for a peaceful solution, but they feel hurt by being bullied, and finally choose to give up, escape, and eventually become indifferent.
The TKI model reminds us to move towards cooperative resolution (win-win model). Even if it is found in actual operation that at best we can only compromise in the middle and make some concessions to reach an agreement, there are still many difficulties in achieving cooperative resolution.
Understand needs and break the deadlock
Harvard professors Roger Fisher and William Ury's research has made great contributions to how to break deadlocks and achieve cooperative resolution in the process of conflict negotiation. In their classic book "Substantial Interest Negotiation Method - Getting Out of Positions" 2 (Get to Yes), they clearly mention that whether it is a contract, family dispute, or conflict resolution in an international peace agreement, people always persist because of their persistence. reached a deadlock on their own position. The more you defend your position and the more you try to convince the other party, the easier it is for everyone to talk in their own way, causing constant cutting and confusion. Even if an agreement is reluctantly reached, it will only reflect the gap between the positions of both parties, and each side will finally take a step back, rather than carefully thinking and deducing a happy ending that meets the interests and needs of both parties.
Fisher and Ure suggested that in order to break through the deadlock in conflict, one must break away from insisting on one's position, give up the desire to persuade the other party, and then understand the other party's heart and explore the inner needs wrapped under the hard shell of the position. When the deepest needs in the heart are touched, the hostile situation will dissolve and the problems between both parties will be easily solved.
In the previous example, if Jimmy and Jenny each hold their own opinions, one is going on vacation and the other is going to see her parents, and both sides have to convince the other to listen to their opinions, the conflict will be unsolvable. When persuasion fails, the dispute becomes more intense and eventually becomes a personal attack and the relationship breaks down.
If Jenny thought about her husband's hard work all year long, his need to rest and spend time with his family, and was grateful for his sacrifices in the past few years, and accompanied her home to visit her parents, Jimmy must have felt his wife's love and encouragement in his heart, and would have been more motivated to be considerate. The wife obeys the needs of her parents-in-law. The two can also come up with creative solutions to meet their mutual needs. For example, the whole family goes on vacation to a place close to the home of the parents-in-law, and after two days of "recuperation", they visit Jenny's parents' home. When both parties are committed to meeting each other's deep needs, many creative solutions will emerge.
The famous French philosopher Baruch de Spinoza (1632-1677) in the seventeenth century was known as the "philosopher's philosopher", but he lived in poverty all his life and made a living by polishing lenses. Louis XIV once promised to give Spinoza a bag of gold if he wrote "To Louis XIV, King of France" on his work. However, Spinoza flatly refused the temptation of gold and silver from the King of France, preferring to remain poor.
However, no one expected that a person who was so indifferent to fame and fortune and regarded money as dirt would actually start a lawsuit with his own sister over inheritance. It turned out that his sister had secretly taken possession of the inheritance that originally belonged to him, which made him feel cheated and deceived. In anger, he took his sister to court. But when he won the lawsuit and got back his inheritance, he donated the income from the inheritance to his sister and continued to make a living by grinding lenses, living a penniless life.
This is a really confusing lawsuit.
On the surface, whether Spinoza filed a lawsuit or not, the result would be the same: he would lose everything. In fact, what he is really fighting to defend is his own dignity. If Spinoza's sister had understood Spinoza's "need" in advance, which was to find out the "motivating force" for his insistence on fighting the lawsuit to the end, the conflict could have ended as soon as possible without the need for a lawsuit.
How important it is to be able to understand the "deep needs" of the other party in the process of resolving conflicts.
With a heart of blessing, dance the waltz of negotiation
How do Christians view negotiation and negotiation? In particular, how can Chinese Christians who wear "cultural glasses" see the light of truth from a spiritual perspective? Many books on negotiation believe that negotiation is basically a process of interest exchange, creation and compromise, in which both parties work together to solve each other's problems. Negotiation can be said to be a transaction carried out by human beings to satisfy their respective needs. The basic motivation is self-interest. We participate in negotiations because the other party can reward or punish us. However, negotiation also has a cooperative nature, transforming the antagonistic relationship between the two parties due to conflict into a cooperative relationship that jointly solves the problems of both parties. As for negotiation, the two parties make concessions and compromises to reach an agreement during the interaction process, just like a dance of advance and retreat in a limited space. Although such an agreement is somewhat beneficial to both parties, it does not mean that conflicts of interest disappear. How do you think about negotiation or negotiation? To embrace or to reject?
"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4) "Love is...not seeking its own interests." (1 Corinthians 1:4-5) )The Bible encourages us to "love your neighbor as yourself" and resolve interpersonal conflicts through communication, dialogue and discussion. Regardless of negotiation or consultation, Christians should pay attention to their inner thoughts and motives. If God's children aim at their own interests, are self-centered in everything, and are filled with their own needs and desires, they will not be able to see the needs of others. Our hearts are becoming more and more hardened, proud, and narrow. Only by taking God’s interests and the interests of the other party as the goal of negotiation or negotiation can we return to the position God has given us and have the “mellow and humble” heart that Jesus wants us to learn.
When negotiating or negotiating, Christians need to examine their own desires and needs and the ways in which they can satisfy their desires. In order to consider the needs of the other party, we have to sacrifice part of our own interests and make necessary concessions. Do we feel unfair or aggrieved? If the other party is the only source of satisfaction for our needs, the negotiation process becomes nothing more than a mathematical game of addition and subtraction. If you give more, it means you have less and the hole in your heart will be bigger. Then every concession in the negotiation will be as painful as "territory cessation and compensation", and it will seem like you are an incompetent loser.
Only by learning to bring our needs to God, realizing His richness and omnipotence, and knowing that only He can satisfy our true desires. At the same time, when you see your own richness in God's grace, you can give up dancing in a narrow space with limited steps, and give up worrying about the little benefits in front of another poor person, and give "concessions" as "blessings" , it is God who uses us to bless another person who is thirsty and does not know how to seek the source of living water. What we experience is not grievance, but immense joy. One step back, one turn, the sea and the sky are brighter!
Spinoza's sister mentioned above certainly had to learn to take care of the deep needs of her siblings. When Spinoza found out that her sister had taken away his rightful inheritance, if he could have talked to her first, he would have known whether she had a life. In order to be a blessing to my sisters in order to meet their needs and difficulties. I believe that not only will history's evaluation of this great philosopher be very different, but the lives of the two sisters will also have a new look.
▲The famous philosopher Spinoza fought a puzzling lawsuit with his sister. What is the driving force behind this conflict?
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However, it does not mean that Christians need to make endless concessions, but when we have a blessing attitude, we will naturally be considerate of the other person's needs and inspire the other person's generous and sharing heart. The dance steps of both parties are no longer about attack and defense and advancement and retreat, but about blessing and fulfilling each other. In God’s vast time and space, in the rain of grace that falls steadily, He is invited to dance a beautiful waltz, with joyful dance steps sliding on the ground, and notes of grace and blessing flying in the air. What a beautiful picture this is.
When people are keen on teaching people how to use human psychology and weaknesses, study negotiation strategies and techniques, and lead people's hearts to narrowness and poverty, let us learn to know more about the almighty, abundant and loving God, and connect our lives to the living water. Source, let yourself become a person with a rich and broad soul.
Note
1. Kenneth W. Thomas, Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, 2002.2. "Substantial Interest Negotiation Method-Escape from the Battle of Positions", written by Roger Fisher & William Ury, translated by Luo Zhuqian, Origin, 2002.