Ask a good question to love yourself
[Relationship in the screen mirror] 6
Of all relationships, a loving relationship is of the highest quality, and the same is true for a relationship with yourself.
When we can get along with ourselves with wise love, like a close friend who is with us day and night, tolerant but not indulgent, compatible but not catering, self-disciplined but not self-abuse, our life will be more balanced and our body, mind and soul will be more harmonious.
There are many ways to love yourself, and one of them is asking yourself good questions.
What can a good question do for you?
When I was 14 years old, I was admitted to the county key middle school. This is a big deal for my remote mountain town.
One summer night before school started, I squatted in front of a flower called tuberose, waiting for the yellow flowers to open little by little before my eyes. Not many flowers allow one to witness the magic of blooming. At that time, I was used to being silent and didn't like to talk, so I mostly made friends who didn't need me to talk, such as clouds, flowers and cats.
"Pa-!" A petal suddenly stretched out, like a cute little yellow flag, and like a silly little slap; then, the flower body shook slightly, indicating that more little slaps would be raised naively. I was mesmerized by the wonder before me, and a smile spread across my face.
"Sister-" a voice came from behind.
"Sister" is my nickname. My father has something to say to me. Turning around, I waited silently for my father's words.
He didn't say anything, he just slowly sat down on a wooden chair and started rolling dry tobacco - the kind of tobacco that you have to cut the dried tobacco leaves into length, roll them and put them into the stem before you can enjoy them.
"Sister," my father lit the cigarette with a match and called me again. He said worriedly and earnestly, "I'm very worried. I'm worried that you won't be able to keep up when you go to that key middle school..."
Silently, I watched my father smoke silently, the cigarette butts flickering in the night. I understand my father's concern: only smart kids can go to that good middle school, and his daughter is not smart. Moreover, the quality of teaching in our town is poor and the foundation laid is not good.
Above the mountains that surround us, the stars in the night sky are silent, but there is a mosquito-like whisper in my heart that rises in the form of a question: "Why? Why can't I keep up?"
In answer to that whisper, three years later I graduated top of my class and attended a college of my choice.
Years later, I realized that the question I whispered to myself turned out to be a good question that allowed me to break free from some established opinions, even if they were well-intentioned and authoritative. This question opened my eyes to other possibilities and brought out the power to change the course of my life.
Why ask?
You may know this famous experiment: people in the white and black groups mix and pass the ball. The experimenter asks the audience to pay attention to how many times the white group has passed the ball. People who pay close attention usually get the correct answer, but the experimenter's next question is the key: Did you see a chimpanzee running through people playing with a ball, dancing and making faces?
Most people didn't see it. A few people saw it and were excited. The experimenter said: If you saw the chimpanzee, did you see the color of the background curtain change? Once this question comes up, very few people can say "I saw it."
This experiment is intended to illustrate that once people pay attention to something, they may miss other things. This is a characteristic of the brain's operation.
But when I mention this experiment, what I want to say is the importance of asking questions. Whatever questions we are asked, that is where the attention will be directed. Questions are like a spotlight on a stage, focusing attention and making other parts "gloomy" as if they were not there. The experimenter asked us to pay attention to the white team and the number of passes, so we ignored the black team. Naturally, it was easy to ignore the coming and going of the chimpanzees and the background patterns.
Since questions guide attention, what questions to ask becomes very important -
• “What blessings have you experienced today?” This question allows you to see the full part of the cup;
• “Why am I so unlucky?” This question makes you prone to self-pity and complaining;
• "What did you learn from this setback?" This question allows you to explore the meaning of the setback instead of dwelling on the feeling of frustration;
• "Why does it always pick on me?" This question implies judgment and triggers anger.
Questioning is like a compass for attention. Asking yourself good questions is to cherish and make good use of your attention, and to build yourself up positively.
What is a good question?
The ultimate goal of a good question is fulfillment. When I became a life coach, I realized that what I was engaged in was actually a "profession of questioning" - not ordinary questions, but questions from the perfecter; the essence of a life coach is "the perfecter". Of course, one does not need to be a life coach to learn to be a perfecter - perfecting others as well as himself.
Fulfilling yourself means knowing how to ask yourself some good questions to help you move towards the future and fulfill your dreams. Questions from perfecters often include the following characteristics, and questions with these characteristics are also good questions:
1. Can bring new discoveries
Questions that lead to new discoveries don’t have to be complicated; they can be simple. For example, during the coaching process, when the client mentions a new possibility or a solution, I may ask: "What else?" Some gold mine-like answers often surprise both parties and are surprising. .
We can also ask ourselves these types of probing questions. For example, when stuck on one point of view, ask: From what other angles can I look at this problem? What are my options?
2. Ability to bring out actions and commitments
Good questions don't make people dwell on the past, but make people take positive actions and build themselves up. For example, when I was 14, the question I asked myself when my father was worried made me willing to put in the effort and commit myself to a high school career that didn’t fall behind.
3. It can prompt you to look forward and move forward.
Some questions make people "ruminate"; some questions make people reflect. For example, "I was so good to her/him, why did she/he treat me that way?" This often makes people think about the past. Rumination is not the same as reflection. In fact, it is often "rumination".
Both rumination and reflection focus on what has happened, but they are very different: rumination constantly replays past events, especially failures, negative events, rejections and denials, and guesses the reasons behind them. The focus is on replaying; reflection We also look back at what happened in the past, but look at both the positive and negative aspects. The purpose is to learn from experience and lessons so that we can move forward. The focus is on moving forward.
Reflective questions can be like this: "What caused her/him to hurt me? What experiences and lessons can I gain from this incident?"
The process and results of rumination can make people depressed and frustrated; reflection often adds wisdom and strength. Rumination often lashes out at oneself and others; the prerequisite for reflection is to accept oneself and believe that one can be better. Rumination is about re-experience the past; reflection is about how to build the future and perfect yourself.
People are easy to ruminate and not easy to reflect. Being aware of the difference between the two can help initiate self-regulation, turn rumination into reflection, and change from a ruminant to a reflector. This starts with asking yourself a good question.
4. Open rather than closed
Closed questions are questions with a "yes" or "no" answer and have their own importance. The answer to open-ended questions is not "yes" or "no". Such questions will give yourself more space. For example:
"Do you know how to deal with this challenge?" is closed-ended; "What are some ways you can deal with this challenge?" is open-ended, providing greater room for exploration and discovery.
What happens when you face a problem with questions?
Jesus, the Master of Questions, answered questions with questions. Faced with the challenge of feeding thousands of people, the disciples asked Jesus:
"Where can you get bread to feed these people in this wilderness?" Jesus asked them, "How much bread do you have?" This was a wrong answer. In fact, whether the disciples’ answer is five loaves and two fish, or one loaf and one fish, they will experience the miracle of four thousand people having enough to eat. (Refer to Mark 8:1-9)
This miracle sends a powerful message: Whatever you have, when it comes to my hands, I can double it as needed. If the disciple fully understands this lesson, it will benefit him for the rest of his life.
More than ten years ago, I faced some difficult, long-lasting, and intense challenges head-on. For a while, I found that my eyelids were often heavier than grindstones, and I often only got four to five hours of sleep a day. Even sleeping for six hours was like winning the lottery. At that time, arrhythmias were common and headaches became more and more severe. Another warning sign: Tears sometimes for no apparent reason.
One day, I cried again while washing the dishes. I had a splitting headache, my heart was racing, and I felt like I was really going to die. Leaning over the sink and burying my head in my arms, I silently asked myself a question: "If you only had today to live, what would you do? What would you choose to let enter your heart?"
This question was a turning point for me, making me look at life and myself from an unprecedented perspective and perspective.
This question is like a filter, the mesh is very large, and many things that bother me slip through, including things that I once thought were important. My thoughts became clearer and a major change occurred inside me, as if the mountain had shifted and a completely different landscape appeared in front of me.
For a long time after that, the external situation did not change much, but I changed internally, and as a result, I made a series of choices, rebuilt my life priorities, and began to dominate my thoughts and feelings. That became the starting point of a new journey for me, leading me to growth and bringing new health, energy, creativity and smile back into my life.
There is a saying that it is not the answers that enlighten and inspire people, but the questions. Sometimes, a good question is indeed better than a good answer; a good answer may be just a message, but a good question may be a seed, sown in the heart, slowly growing, and finally becoming a magical tuberose that can make you happy. Watch it bloom.
There are many problems in life, and sometimes if you face them by asking questions, the results you get will be unexpected.
What questions have you asked yourself that changed your life?
What questions do you need to ask yourself now to start a new journey?
Li Wenping: 作家、美成國際教練學院創始人及首席指導(CoachingForBetterInternational.com)，國際認證生命教練（PCC）、本刊特約撰述。認為自己是旅者一身旅，心旅，靈旅。旅程也是目的。