conflict coach

A call from heaven

A wife was in serious conflict with her husband because of his affair, and she didn't know what to do. Because of this, she came to the church and believed in the Lord under the leadership of the brothers and sisters. During the conversation with the counselor, this sister who had just become a believer in the Lord said that she did not want a divorce, but every time she saw her husband running away to date a third party, her heart hurt like a knife.

At this point, tears flowed down.

You and I can imagine that she was in tears during this period. Facing this new Christian in front of you, if you were her counselor, what could you do?

"Do you know what it means to believe in the Lord?" the counselor asked.

"It's about accepting Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life." She answered quickly.

"Do you know what the Lord of life means?"

“It’s about letting Him take the wheel of our lives, doing what He wants us to do, and leaving the results to Him.”

She believed so simply that it reminded people of the saying, "The end of man is the beginning of God." In the storm of marriage, she almost drowned and clung to the last driftwood with faith.

"In this difficult time, do you know what God wants you to do?"

"God doesn't want me to get divorced, and I don't want to get divorced either."

"Don't you want a divorce and your husband will come back?"

"I don't know either, but I do what God wants me to do."

"You are really great and willing to follow the Lord. Just do what God wants you to do. How would you feel if your husband does not come back?"

"In the end, if he still doesn't look back, not only will I have an answer for my children in the future, but I will also have no regrets for myself. After all, I have tried my best."

"I really admire your courage and wisdom. What do you think God will think of your current efforts? Even if the marriage is not saved, will God be pleased?"

"I think God would be pleased!"

"So, it's important that we do things that please God, right?" She nodded.

“Besides not getting divorced, what concrete things can be done to please God?”

Speaking of this, her eyes suddenly lit up, shining with light from the sky, and her heart suddenly became enlightened.

▲People become overwhelmed with emotions during conflicts and find it difficult to see the direction clearly. Conflict coaches are needed to act as sober bystanders and clear the air for us.

(Image source: http://www.tampamediations.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/tampa_mediation_workplace.jpg)

Who is "Conflict Coach"

Our lives are surrounded by conflicts, large and small. Not only ourselves, but also our family, relatives and friends are often trapped by conflicts. When people are in conflict, their hearts are full of emotions, as if they are trapped in a fog, and it is difficult to see the direction and path clearly, and they are struggling in pain and confusion. At this time, we need a sober bystander to clear the air for us. The role played by this sober bystander is that of a "conflict coach."

We would think that conflict coaching requires a professional counselor or a church pastor. In fact, in conflicts in daily life, whether we are professional counselors or pastors, you and I have invisibly played the role of conflict counselors. We come into contact with people every day, and what others say will affect our opinions and decisions. What we say also affects others unconsciously. When relatives and friends are involved in a conflict, no matter whether they are professional or not, whether they are willing or not, any opinion you state about them and every comment you make will affect their views and mood about the conflict, and further affect them. responses and decisions.

This understanding is very important to you and me. Just imagine, our casual opinions and arbitrary judgments and criticisms can accidentally add fuel to the fire and make things get out of hand. Or an unintentional remark, but intended by the listener, is like rubbing salt into a wound, causing eternal pain in the heart of the person involved.

The human heart is a spiritual battlefield, a battle between the Spirit and the flesh. In conflicts, we can become the instruments used by God to bring people before God and encourage them to obey the control of the Holy Spirit. We can also be in our flesh and blood and bring the people around us into a greater flesh and blood, causing greater harm. Big damage.

If we can have a clear understanding and sensitive response to the role and responsibilities of a conflict coach, and are willing to continue to be equipped, we can turn crises into opportunities in every conflict incident and demonstrate God's will when our relationships are challenged.

"Conflict Coach" is a caller

In conflicts, God uses conflict coaches to call people to become disciples of Jesus Christ. Tooth for tooth, eye for eye, is the reaction of human nature, and it also shows what kind of people we are. Normally, you may think that you are a very caring person, but in the midst of a conflict, with the mentality of repaying retaliation, you can see that you are really an out-and-out sinner. Kindness and love are so limited, so much is needed. The salvation of Jesus Christ requires footsteps to follow. But sometimes under the smoke bomb of emotions, one cannot see one's true colors, nor can one see the benchmark in front of him, and his thoughts and ideas follow the emotions and feelings, and they plummet.

We really need help at this moment to see the current situation clearly, to point out our identity as disciples of Jesus Christ, to follow in His footsteps, and to lead people out of the dark whirlpool of conflict.

Wende's recent conflict with his colleague John has become more and more intense, which makes him troubled. Yesterday, John deliberately embarrassed him in front of his colleagues to prevent him from stepping down. He couldn't wait to find a chance to fight back in tomorrow's business meeting and let John know that he was not so easy to bully. Some people were waiting to see how he would respond, while others were watching indifferently to see how the two department heads would resolve the dispute. Wende hasn't slept well for a week. If this continues, it will definitely affect the company's operations, and everyone will lose. In extreme pain, he called his good friend Hai Rui from the church to vent his bitterness and relieve his inner resentment. After hearing this, Hai Rui only asked one sentence: "How do you think you can respond so that God can be glorified?"

For Wende, this sentence is like a wake-up call, a word to remind the dreamer. All he was thinking about was how others bullied him and made him feel humiliated, and how he could fight back to regain face. He never thought that as a Christian, how could he glorify God in this situation? , is what he should care more about. Thinking of this, his heart suddenly became enlightened.

▲Conflict coaches are like coaches on the court. During the game, they are on the sidelines observing the overall situation and giving guidance on tactics, but they can never replace the players on the court. (Image source: http://acc.blogs.starnewsonline.com/files/2011/11/withers-on-sideline2.jpg)

"Conflict Coach" is a peacemaker

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." (Matthew 5:9)Jesus Christ is the incarnation of the Messenger of Peace. He achieved peace on the cross and resolved the largest and most difficult conflict in the world - the severing of the relationship between God and man. From man's first disobedience in the Garden of Eden, sin became the king in man's heart, beginning the decadence of generations, and also beginning the long journey of love and hatred between God and man. In this conflict, there is betrayal, arbitrariness, disrespect, indifference, hiding, escaping, attack, and harm.

God is the “victim”. People whom He created with love turn their backs on Him time and time again, leaving wounds in His love. Man’s sins build a high wall in front of the holy and righteous God, blocking Him. It blocks the loving relationship between God and man, and also blocks the channel for man to receive blessings.

▲Jesus is the bridge between God and man, and conflict coaches are also messengers of peace, helping people to go through conflicts and come before God.

In this huge conflict, those who hurt others should be repaid, and those who betrayed should be punished, so that justice can be restored. But the Lord Jesus is willing to bear all the retribution and punishment that people deserve, allowing God’s wrath to be poured out on Him, so that the high partition wall can collapse. God and man can be reconciled again, and the conflicts between people can be resolved because of the peace achieved by Jesus Christ, who paid the price for those who hurt people. The injured person does not need to punish out of revenge, but loses true justice and commits evil, resulting in retribution.

A conflict coach is a peacemaker who follows Christ. When people hurt each other, he sees people's rebellion and God's pain, and brings the parties involved in the conflict to the cross again to reconcile with God. It is also because of the sin-forgiving grace brought by the precious blood of Jesus that it has an effect on the injured person, allowing the injured person to forgive the other person.

Interpersonal conflicts and hurt cannot be resolved without the anointing of the precious blood of Christ. A conflict coach is a peacemaker who needs to constantly experience the redemption of Jesus Christ in his or her own life, receive the grace of the cross, and deeply understand the role of the gospel in conflicts between God and man, and between man and man.

Karen is her daughter’s best friend and a sister in the church’s high school fellowship. One day, she complained to me in church with red eyes. It turned out that she had a quarrel with her brother, and he spoke harshly to her, which hurt her heart.

"I hate him and will never talk to him again," she said angrily.

"You are very angry with him!"

"Yes, I am very angry and hate him."

"Did you scold him?"

"Yes, but he scolded me first."

"I understand. You definitely don't want to scold him, right?" She nodded vigorously.

"Like you, I don't want to do something that God doesn't like, but I still do it. This is what God calls sin. So we all need God to forgive us, and we also need Jesus and the Holy Spirit to help us. Right?" She nodded. .

"Brother is a sinner just like us, right?"

"Yes." She answered without hesitation.

"Does the blood of Jesus wipe out his sins?"

"Yeah! Yes!" The answer seemed to be very reluctant.

"Has God forgiven him?" She nodded.

"God has forgiven him, do you also want to forgive him?"

She thought for a moment and finally said, "Okay!"

After saying that, her tone became much more relaxed.

"You are such a good boy. God must be very happy and bless you."

The greatest joy of being a peacemaker is to see the gospel of Jesus Christ not only in the moment of salvation, but also to experience the power of the gospel in daily life.

"Conflict Coach" is a reality checker

Sometimes, parties involved in a conflict cannot bear the tone of the situation and want to take some irrational actions. At this time, the conflict coach is like a tester, helping him to put his ideas or actions into a real environment to see whether the results are feasible.

There was once a sister who could no longer continue in the intense conflict of her marriage and painfully wanted to move out. Her conflict coach asked her what her life would be like after moving out, from food, clothing, housing, children's education, social life, etc., and asked her to imagine various situations in the future and whether they were what she wanted. It also asked her to think about the impact that moving out would have on her relationship with her husband. Or five or ten years later, when things have changed, how will she view the decision she made now, how will her children or family view her current decision, etc., to help her withdraw from the current emotions.

"Conflict coaches" are resource expanders, not saviors

A conflict coach is not omnipotent. He cannot solve the conflict on behalf of the parties involved in the conflict, but he is a resource expander and guides the parties to seek help. He can provide information on professional services (such as accountants, financial planners, marriage counseling, etc.) or practical support in life according to the client's needs.

More importantly, he helps the client come into the presence of the Almighty. Although sometimes clients have expectations of conflict coaching and hope that the conflict coach will solve the current dilemma. If the conflict is not resolved, it appears that the conflict coach's abilities are limited. However, a conflict coach is not a savior; he is just a channel that brings people to Almighty God to rely on and obey Him. When a person's love, patience, and strength reach their limit, he points to Christ and encourages the person concerned to draw upon Him for His abundant love and power.

The "conflict coach" is not a player and cannot leave the field to play.

A conflict coach is like a coach on the court. When the game is going on, he looks at the overall situation and gives guidance on tactics. When a player scores, he applauds and cheers him on. When a player makes a mistake, he pats him on the shoulder and reminds him how to correct without losing. Confidence; when he is exhausted and wants to give up, encourage him not to be discouraged and to continue to hold on and prepare for the next one.

Although sometimes the players just can't see what the coach is looking at and can't do what the coach asks, the conflicting coach can't take the player's place to play. Conflict coaching calls people to become disciples of Jesus Christ, to take up their cross and follow the Lord. If the person is unwilling, the conflict coach cannot carry the cross for him.

During conflicts, conflict coaches must keep their boundaries and always remind themselves of their identity and role as coaches. When the client complains to the conflict coach and counts the other party’s faults, the conflict coach should help him look at the entire incident from an objective and balanced perspective and point out how to respond from God’s perspective. However, some parties come to the coach to seek support to strengthen their momentum. If conflict coaches are not alert, they may unknowingly join the fray and jump to support one side or another. Adding more fuel to the already blazing flame will end up hurting both sides and getting out of control.

Conclusion

The calling of "conflict coach" as a peacemaker is not for certain people, but for every child of God who has reconciled with God. “He reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciling others to Himself.” (2 Corinthians 5:18) In you and I, we receive God’s grace and experience love and acceptance. , forgiveness, reconciliation, and at the same time accepted this unshirkable call of love. Where there is conflict, sow peace; where there is offense, sow forgiveness; where there is rejection, sow acceptance; where there is resentment, sow love; where there is wrongdoing, sow repentance. "Conflict Coaching" is a call from heaven, calling us to "carry the death of Jesus with us always, so that the life of Jesus may be revealed in us" (2 Corinthians 4:10), leading people into His grace and the power to bloom the glorious flowers of God’s glory wherever conflict occurs.

▲Let us accept the call to sow peace where there is conflict and sow forgiveness where there is offense. Let the flowers of God's glory bloom wherever conflicts occur. (Image source: http://www.agraroldal.hu/upload/upimages/45619.jpg)

Are you also willing to be equipped to become a peacemaker and serve as a conflict coach at any time? Welcome to participate in the 2014 "Peace Messenger Workshop - Becoming a Conflict Coach" course at the Kingdom of God Culture Camp. The instructors are the authors of this article, Liu Zhepei, Wang Lanxin and his wife, and lawyer Pei Lin. Please see page 10 for details.

【Peacemaker Workshop】Students’ responses
"I now know how to face conflicts proactively and no longer try to calm down."

「上了課我才了解與人和好前，需要先與神和好。」                ─學員回應

作者小檔案 劉哲沛律師，在加州執業二十餘年，擁有法律博士（J.D.）及法學研究所L.L.M.學位，專攻「衝突處理與調停」。目前為洛杉磯高等法院調停律師、美國衝突處理協會（ACR）、南加州調停協會（SCMA）、美國及加州律師協會會員。夫人王蘭馨女士為衝突管理碩士，與劉律師多年在社區推動「使人和睦事工」，致力於華人婚姻家庭的和諧工作，帶領營會，開設「愛與衝突」、「衝突輔導」及「婚姻調停」等課程。