Shape me, form me, use me.
“…We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand.” (Isaiah 64:8b)
Preface
To support my granddaughter’s school fundraiser, I reluctantly bought a box of brownie mix. I knew it takes quite some skill to bake brownies with a crispy top and soft inside. At home, I carefully followed the instructions and baked a batch of brownies. When done, the brownies had a crispy top and soft texture, which made me pleasantly surprised. However, when I was removing them from the pan, I accidentally slipped the entire batch onto the countertop. The brownies shattered completely, making it impossible to cut them into neat pieces and arrange them beautifully. This left me feeling very frustrated!
With no other options, I searched online for a way to salvage the brownies. I found a recipe for chocolate truffles made from brownies. Following the recipe, I first crumbled the broken brownies into smaller pieces. Then, I rolled the crumbs into small balls, dipped each ball into melted hot chocolate, and sprinkled colorful sugar stars on top. Finally, I placed them in the refrigerator to chill. The moment I took these chocolate truffles out of the fridge, my mouth watered, and I couldn’t resist tasting one. Wow! These truffles require a bit of work, but the rich, fragrant chocolate coating, perfectly balanced in softness and firmness, paired with the smooth brownie inside, was absolutely delicious!
Just as I was about to put the second one into my mouth, I suddenly heard a faint voice saying to me: “Qiaoyi, isn’t your life just like these broken brownies, transformed into delicious chocolate truffles? I break you, shape you, and place you in both hot and cold environments so that your life becomes more wonderful, more refined, and more beneficial to others. Do you understand?” I suddenly realized the truth and couldn’t help but say to the Lord, “Thank You! I am willing to continue being shaped by You!” (Jeremiah 18:4-6)
Part 1: In the Traditional Furnace
My family of origin
“Qiaoyi” is a traditional girl’s name given to me by my grandfather, who hoped that when I grew up, I would become a beautiful woman with a charming smile and graceful manners. Or, at the very least, become a dignified and clever lady, well-suited for managing both home and family. To my grandfather, since I was a girl, I didn’t need to achieve great success like my fourth brother, “Dayi,” who soared to great heights; or be outstanding in talent and beauty like my fifth brother, “Chaoyi”; or be smart and lively like my sixth brother, “Mingyi.” I was born and raised in such a family—one that valued sons over daughters and held firmly to traditional beliefs.
Everyone is influenced by their upbringing and experiences, especially by their family of origin and traditional culture—I am no exception. Although my father was the eldest son born to the principal wife, he did not receive my grandfather’s affection because my grandmother had fallen out of favor. Shortly after my grandparents married, my grandfather left home to work as a sailor in the United States. Due to their long separations and infrequent meetings, my grandmother was still childless after ten years of marriage. At that time, people mistakenly believed that infertility was solely the woman’s fault. My grandfather also believed that among all forms of unfilial behavior, failing to have descendants was the greatest. So he wanted to take a concubine. Just as the process was underway, my grandmother discovered she was pregnant but lacked the courage to tell my grandfather the truth, and so the concubine was established. Later, after my grandfather had saved some money, he gave up his seafaring career and moved the entire family to Hong Kong to go into business, so he would no longer be separated from his wife and concubine. Afterward, both the wife and the concubine bore children, but the concubine had more, especially sons. This caused my grandmother to fall further out of favor. For as long as I can remember, my grandmother always lived with us and never with my grandfather.
Several families of my grandfather’s generation also had multiple wives and concubines. There were husbands who married several women, yet none of them bore children. I wondered if anyone suspected that infertility might be the husband’s issue instead. In some cases, concubines were even younger than the principal wife’s children. As a child, seeing these situations often made me feel sorry and sad for women. But I didn’t understand why there seemed to be little conflict or rivalry between the principal wives and concubines. As I grew older, I realized that outwardly, they had to obey their elders and husbands, enduring patiently and putting the group’s needs above their own. However, behind the scenes, there were subtle forms of resistance, scheming, and rivalry—they just didn’t dare show it in front of the elders and their husbands.
Women had many rituals to observe to uphold the dignity of their elders and the social reputation of prominent families. On New Year’s and other festive occasions, my mother had to wear a red skirt and jacket and offer lotus seed egg tea (a Cantonese custom) to all the elders, bowing respectfully. Once, because of this, she suffered a miscarriage and lost my older brother. Whenever this is mentioned, my parents become deeply saddened. After the miscarriage, my mother gave birth to three daughters in a row over the next three years before finally having three sons. In those days, mothers had to keep giving birth regardless of how many “defective goods” (meaning daughters) they had until a son was born. Because of this, from a young age, I understood that daughters were considered “second-class citizens.”
Unfinished Vessel
Even more unfortunate, my fifth brother was severely mentally disabled and suffered from epilepsy. Our entire family was constantly in a state of emergency, anxiety, and helplessness. My parents spent a huge amount of money on his medical expenses, but the treatments were ineffective. As the eldest daughter, at a very young age, I involuntarily took on my parents’ sorrow, disappointment, and even feelings of shame and guilt. This caused me to become introverted and melancholic, losing the carefree innocence and hope for the future that children usually have. Illness, pain, and death were mysteries I couldn’t understand. Having attended a Catholic school for ten years, the only solution I knew was to seek healing for my brother through the Virgin Mary. My fifth brother lived for over thirty years, bringing our family endless grief and helplessness.
Although growing up in this large family brought many injustices and sorrows, I thank the Lord that my parents were not as son-preferential as my grandparents. My father graduated from Wah Yan English College and lived a disciplined, diligent life, working hard in his studies and career, hoping to win my grandfather’s favor. My mother was unable to complete her teacher training university education because of the war. My father tutored us in English, while my mother taught us classical Chinese from a young age to strengthen our language skills. At the same time, their example and teachings deeply benefited us in how to relate to others. My grandfather had nine children, and my mother was the eldest daughter-in-law in this large family. She was not only skilled in the kitchen and graceful in the living room (excelling in literature, calligraphy, and abacus calculation), but she also showed filial respect to her in-laws, lovingly cared for younger siblings-in-law, and conducted herself appropriately, becoming a model for the family. Mrs. Shi Qisheng (Ms. Diran) once said that my mother seemed like “the eldest daughter-in-law of the large family.” Although my parents were not Christians when they were young, my mother’s way of handling her role as the eldest daughter-in-law inadvertently taught me how to become a competent and good pastor’s wife in the future.
The experiences of growing up in my family of origin made me feel that a woman’s life is full of helplessness and beyond her own control. I became a thoughtful, unhappy, timid person who didn’t know how to negotiate to solve problems or defend myself. All I knew was to follow rules, work hard, obey, yield, even swallow my pride and endure hardships, hoping to gain acceptance from others and bear the challenges of life. But God knows that I am still an unfinished vessel in His hands. He will not give up on me; He will shape me into a vessel useful for His purposes!
Part 2: The Graceful Hand of God
First Encounter with the Graceful Hand
In August 1973, driven by a strong desire to learn, I went alone to Canada to study. Although my wish to study was fulfilled, it marked the beginning of disappointment and emptiness. I couldn’t understand why, even after being accepted to the most prestigious school at the time and being named an honor student, I still couldn’t fill the void in my heart. I was even more confused about what I should be seeking and what was missing.
In my sophomore year, I met a group of Christians who loved God and others, full of joy and faith—a mindset completely different from mine. I had attended a Catholic school and always knew God existed. Although I often prayed devoutly for my fifth brother’s illness, hoping for his healing, I did not truly know God. By then, he was already a teenager with very low intelligence and unable to speak, and no school would accept him. My parents could only hope that the other children would become successful to make up for their disappointment over him. Our family bore many different kinds of pressure. So, to me, God could not solve my problems; He was just an elusive concept.
God’s guidance is truly wonderful! Through a surgery, not only was a physical problem corrected, but my relationship with God was also transformed. While hospitalized, Christians shared the gospel with me and helped me see sin, life, and suffering from a biblical perspective. Thank God, I suddenly understood that although learned doctors could perform a corrective surgery on my body, the Creator of my life is a true God with marvelous power—He is surely able to solve my fifth brother’s problems! I also realized that life is not simply about pursuing academic degrees. I felt ashamed that before, I only focused on my studies and future plans, without seeking the true Sovereign who controls everything. So I confessed my sins to God and surrendered myself to Him, letting Him take charge of my life. This was the beginning of my new life in Christ!
Called and Responding by Faith
At a seminar, I saw a slide presentation discussing many people who have never heard the gospel—blindly searching for life’s purpose and enduring suffering alone. These people were like me before I believed: lost sheep, seeking earthly things amid pain, confusion, and disappointment. After accepting Christ, I received new life in the Lord, filled with heavenly joy and peace. From that day on, I was willing to be used by God and hoped that through me, He would bless others!
At the 1975 Christmas revival meeting, I clearly heard God’s call and decided to dedicate my life to His service! Although my heart was passionate, I still struggled to fully trust and obey. Without seeking God’s guidance, I applied to pursue a master’s degree and was accepted, also receiving a teaching assistant position, which covered my tuition and housing fees. But God repeatedly urged me to enter seminary. After countless inner battles, I finally decided to give up the degree and return to Hong Kong to teach, fulfilling some family responsibilities. At the same time, I served in the church to prepare myself for seminary studies later on.
Casting My Burdens Upon God
At that time in Hong Kong, my unbelieving family was preparing to immigrate to Canada. They didn’t understand why I had received a scholarship but chose not to pursue a master's degree. Seeing that I was going against their expectations, they strongly opposed my decision to stay in Hong Kong. They scolded and admonished me, using both kindness and authority. To obey my parents and calm their anger, I returned to Canada to continue my studies.
After returning to Canada, I felt a deep sense of guilt! God reminded me: “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in them.” (1 John 2:15) The Holy Spirit urged me again to receive training at the seminary. I prayed continuously about this because I knew my parents strongly opposed my path of dedication; doing so might lead to a family rift. If I studied theology in North America, my parents would surely cut off my financial support. As an international student, I couldn’t work part-time while studying. The devil relentlessly attacked me with these two difficulties, trying to make me give up the idea of dedication. Pastor Gao Yunhan encouraged me with Romans 8:28, assuring me that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Thus, I decided to cast all my burdens on God, firmly trusting that He would make a way for me.
At the Urbana Missions Conference, I met Brother Liang Yongtai. At that time, he was studying at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary in Massachusetts, USA. He encouraged me to apply to that seminary because they offered scholarships to international students. Indeed, I received a two-year scholarship. Although my parents still disagreed with my decision, and I did not know how to cover enough living expenses, I moved forward in faith, carrying the need to complete my master’s thesis. I traveled from Canada to the seminary to pursue a Master’s degree in Religious Education. This was the first time I learned, by faith and through God’s help, the lesson of “obeying God rather than men.” In the days of ministry that followed, God continuously used this lesson to refine me, transforming me from someone afraid to stand for the truth into a strong and courageous vessel fit for God’s use.
In God’s Hands, Harmonized
During my first semester at seminary, I completed my thesis, fulfilling my parents’ wishes. At that time, I rarely received letters from them, which made me very sad, so I prayed for them constantly.
Before I came to faith, I was afraid of dating and marriage because I worried I might give birth to a child with an intellectual disability. Yet, in seminary, God skillfully arranged for me to be with Brother Zhou Ziliang. Our personalities were similar, and our hearts for ministry were the same; we prayed and studied the Bible together, and our spirits were deeply connected.
When Ziliang learned why I feared childbirth, he shared Psalm 139 with me, helping me understand that God not only creates new life but also gives each child unique character, physique, and gifts. God has a special plan for every child’s life. Even while the child is still in the womb, God observes and watches over them (verses 13–16). Therefore, whether a child is born with disabilities or not, we need not fear but trust God to fulfill His purpose for the child. Ziliang assured me that if we did have a child with disabilities, he would not blame me, because children are gifts from God and it is not the woman’s fault.
Feeling a great relief, I told my parents about how I met Ziliang. To my joy, both sets of parents agreed to our marriage. At the same time, a professor at the seminary also suggested that we marry that summer, because after graduation, we would not only have to adapt to church ministry but also to married life, which would be quite challenging. So, in the summer of 1978, we were married at the seminary.
I never expected that God would use my marriage to restore my relationship with my parents. I learned that obedience to God is our responsibility, while changing others and circumstances is God’s work. For the marriage to come together so smoothly and quickly, besides God working in my parents’ hearts, I have no other explanation for their change—only to say: thank God!
Ziliang and I graduated together from seminary in 1979. He earned a Master of Divinity degree and served as a pastor in North American Chinese churches for thirty-eight years before retiring, which made me a pastor’s wife. I received a Master’s degree in Religious Education but was never officially employed by a church—I only assisted my husband alongside him. After retirement, Ziliang continued preaching, while I volunteered as a preschool director in a Western church and taught adult Sunday school in a Chinese church. We have two sons and one daughter. Both of our sons are married with children. Our children are healthy, capable, and love the Lord. Our life of dedication has had sweet moments as well as times of discouragement. However, the words written by Brother Bian Yunbo have become our motto: “Even though the road of the cross becomes harder and harder, our determination grows stronger and stronger.” (Note 1) We are willing to partner with each other throughout life, praying hand in hand, to serve this true and living God.
Note 1: Bian Yunbo, Dedicated to the Unsung Preachers, page 27.
Part 3: Shaped by the Years
Joy and Burden in the Lord
When Ziliang began his pastoral ministry, we were only in our twenties and had no children yet—truly young, with much to learn. We took to heart Paul’s exhortation to Timothy: “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity.” (1 Timothy 4:12) With this, we sought to serve the Lord faithfully (1 Corinthians 4:2).
The Bible does not use the title “pastor’s wife” (師母), nor does it mention the role or office of a pastor’s wife. However, the Bible does describe the qualities of a virtuous woman (Proverbs 31:10–30) and the character expected of female deacons or women (1 Timothy 3:11–13), including her relationship with God, her family, and her ministry.
In fact, a pastor’s wife’s ministry should be like that of other sisters—determined by her spiritual journey, family situation, gifts, talents, energy, ability, time, and health. Her relationship with God is the most important. Next, she needs to have enough mental strength and time to care for and support her husband, love and discipline her children, and manage the household. Unfortunately, some churches place many unreasonable expectations on pastor’s wives. Combined with the complexity of the role and the lack of any “quick training courses” for pastor’s wives, it’s understandable that some women feel anxious and fearful when they learn their husbands will become pastors.
Although some pastor’s wives feel great pressure—on one hand playing the role of the “eldest daughter-in-law” of the church’s “big family,” and on the other living like they are in a “goldfish bowl” with no privacy—thank God, He helped me understand that being a wise “eldest daughter-in-law” is a service of love that comes naturally. Moreover, my mother was a capable homemaker who knew how to respect and care for every member of the large family, leaving me a wonderful example to follow in ministry. From both my mother and grandmother, I learned that doing housework is a way to serve and show love to family. I often give homemade treats, embroidery, and colorful glass ornaments to church friends as tokens of a pastor’s wife’s love. I also coordinate my handmade crafts with old furniture, so even though “this is a humble room,” it is filled with “my virtue’s fragrance.” Both family and guests can find rest in my home. My grandfather named me “Qiaoyi,” hoping that everything I do would not disappoint him.
Growing up in a large family with very complicated relationships, women—especially my grandmother and my disabled fifth brother—were bullied throughout their lives. I also bore many mental burdens alongside them. It was only after I accepted Christ and embraced Jesus’ invitation, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28), that I truly experienced peace in the Lord. Because of this, I often listen with love, comfort, and empathize with those living in disappointment, pain, and fear. Through Bible study, prayer, counseling, visits, and even opening my home to women and children suffering from domestic abuse, I share God’s Word with them. I strive to give a little more effort and go an extra mile, hoping to lead people to the Lord. All of this is worthwhile.
Living under the watchful eyes of the “goldfish bowl” certainly brings its pressures. As a pastor’s wife, mother of three children, and later a full-time homemaker, trying to manage everything well was truly not easy. Especially when the church didn’t have its own meeting place, the pastor’s home became a storage space for church belongings, a gathering spot, and a place where church members could visit at any time. But I believe that if our family lives a life of faith, hope, and love, remaining faithful to God and not wronging others—even if we become “a spectacle to the world” (1 Corinthians 4:9)—then by God’s strength, I can do my best as the “eldest daughter-in-law of the big family” and live contentedly even in a “goldfish bowl.” Moreover, church members often bring us vegetables and homemade treats from their gardens, and many pray for us. We truly are one family in the Lord. In loving service and gospel ministry, I have found fulfilling joy and feel that the burden is light.
Loss and Grief in Ministry
Even so, I have not been without setbacks in ministry. I will never forget the exhortation Pastor James Tam gave at our wedding. He urged Ziliang and me to be bound together in love—to offer our commitment to God, our spiritual gifts, and everything we had learned in seminary, placing it all on the altar in wholehearted service to the Lord. He believed that such united ministry would bear fruit far greater than if we each served alone.
Unfortunately, during the first ten-plus years of Ziliang’s pastoral ministry, I often didn’t feel the fruit of that united service. The main reason was that I often felt unable to apply what I had learned in seminary in the field of Christian Education (hereafter referred to as CE). It wasn’t that I wanted to pressure others into learning just because I understood the importance of CE, but rather that I truly believed it was a powerful tool to equip believers and build up the body of Christ (Ephesians 4:12). That is why seminaries offer CE as a major field of study.
Ziliang has planted churches twice—each time starting with fewer than twenty people—but he has also pastored churches with over five hundred members. While each church had different resources, they all shared common needs and challenges when it came to Christian Education (CE). CE is for everyone, and its purpose is to nurture mature Christians who live out biblical principles in their daily lives. Churches must offer Sunday school classes, Bible studies, and fellowship groups for different ages, languages, and levels of spiritual maturity—including non-believers. They also need to provide family ministries, Vacation Bible Schools, and even nursery classes. The challenge is that most lay leaders, while full of love, have had no formal training. Furthermore, very few Chinese churches are willing to hire someone with CE training to evaluate congregational needs, set teaching goals, develop appropriate curricula, train teachers and mentors, handle administration and organizational planning, and conduct regular assessments.
Sunday school is often the most visible department of Christian Education in the church. However, some Sunday school superintendents only know how to purchase materials and schedule teachers, without providing them with even basic training. Adult class teachers and fellowship group leaders should be trained in Bible interpretation and how to lead Bible studies. For children and youth workers, basic training should include: understanding the developmental stages and needs of each age group; how to teach biblical truths in a way that students can absorb and apply in daily life—not just telling Bible stories; and how to explain salvation and share the gospel with them. In addition, teachers must know how to maintain order in the classroom and follow safety protocols. Preschool classes, in particular, must emphasize hygiene and cleanliness. Churches need a comprehensive plan so that these gatherings and activities can truly serve as teaching opportunities, ensuring the spiritual growth of members is not neglected or hindered.
I have a deep burden for training in Sunday school and family ministries, and I’ve been willing to offer all that I’ve received through my own equipping. Sadly, my role in teaching ministries within the church was often passive, or I simply wasn’t assigned to that kind of work. While other churches or conferences would invite me to speak and lead on these topics, such opportunities were rare in my own church. Most of my regular duties fell into clerical or support roles, such as pulpit translation, editing the weekly bulletin, and answering phone calls. On one hand, I was very busy; on the other, I felt directionless and disconnected from my sense of calling. When I considered initiating or adjusting certain ministries, I felt I lacked the authority or clarity of role to do so—“my title wasn’t proper, my words carried no weight.” I felt my ministry was being diminished. Later, after many wrestling moments with God, I finally chose to “lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily entangles us (such as disappointment, sadness, self-pity, and resentment), and run with endurance the race set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.” (Hebrews 12:1–2) To my surprise, once I let go, God opened another wide door of ministry for me.
Part Four: Shaped by Grace
Loss? A Ministry Without Loss!
In the previous chapter, I shared that during the first decade or so of Ziliang’s pastoral ministry, I found joy and fulfillment in loving others and sharing the gospel. However, I saw little fruit in the areas of teaching and training. What I had learned in seminary about Christian Education (CE) couldn’t be put into practice. The main reason was that we were both very young at the time—church leaders didn’t fully trust us, nor did they understand the scope or importance of CE. On our part, we didn’t know how to explain it clearly or advocate for ministry opportunities. The church also didn’t know how to relate to a pastor’s wife—especially one who had been called and received formal theological training. I embodied both roles, and the sorrow and sense of loss I felt during that season is something few outsiders could truly understand.
There was a time when, at a church Ziliang pastored with over 400 members, both the Board and the Education Department unanimously recommended me to serve as the church’s part-time Christian Education Director. However, one-third of the congregation voted against it. The leadership recommended me because they recognized God’s calling on my life, saw that my gifts and training matched the church’s needs, and witnessed the unity between my husband and me in ministry. Those who opposed the idea, aside from lacking understanding of the importance of Christian Education, mainly believed it was inappropriate for a pastor’s wife to receive a salary. They thought a pastor’s wife’s ministry should simply come as a “buy one, get one free” arrangement. To them, having both husband and wife serve as part of the pastoral team was untraditional and unheard of. Some were even concerned that if I became the CE Director, Ziliang and I would be “too unified” in influence—making our “power” too great.
How sad it is! Living at the end of the 20th century in North America—the very place that champions gender equality—yet some Christians insisted on turning back the clock to the patriarchal era in which my grandmother was raised. What saddened me most was that they forgot the biblical principles for hiring pastoral staff, such as: Does the person have a calling? Do they have proper training and spiritual gifts? Do they meet the needs of the church? Does their life set a good example? When I was troubled by these unreasonable ideas and actions that went against biblical teaching, I knew I had to return to God, learning humility, obedience, and trust in His sovereignty. God spoke to me through the Bible and other devotional books. Ziliang consistently encouraged me not to be discouraged or disappointed. He firmly believed our ministries complemented each other and that the support I gave him was irreplaceable.
Here are several reflections from my devotional experiences recorded as follows:
Here are some devotional reflections recorded as follows: Responding to the Call Means Surrendering to God, Not Just to a Task Os Guinness said: “We are not called first to special work but to God. The key to answering the call is to be devoted to no one and to nothing above God himself.” (Note 1) Trusting God From Streams in the Desert, January 14: “‘He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out.’” (John 10:4) (Note 2) …If it is our Lord Himself who leads us out, then nothing will go wrong… The eyes of faith see the good Shepherd leading the way… Not looking too far ahead, not worrying about the next step, not choosing the path ourselves, not bearing the burden of our ideals, but quietly following the Shepherd step by step… Not Falling Because of Difficulties From Streams in the Desert, May 4: “I have told you these things, so that you will not fall away.” (John 16:1) There are some believers… who, despite years of suffering and being shut out from work, still pray and praise, sharing in the work of others… Though they suffer and do not understand the reasons for their suffering, they joyfully entrust their lives to God. Even though their trials are inexplicable and their difficulties unresolved, they do not fall… Loving God’s Instruments in My Life There is no other way—only by seeing God in every circumstance can we love those who hurt and trouble us; only by seeing them as instruments God uses to accomplish His loving and wise purposes can we cease all complaints and rebellious thoughts. — (H. W. Smith)
Truly mastering these lessons is not easy. As Sister Jill Briscoe said, “Victory won yesterday does not mean victory automatically dispensed for the rest of life.” (Note 3) And so, I have stumbled and fallen many times, yet each time, I have risen again by relying on God’s strength.
God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts.
Shortly after my first child was born, I resigned from my university teaching position to stay home and care attentively for my husband and three children. Thanks be to God, each of my children was well-educated and disciplined, so I was able to free up time for ministry. Those years were the happiest in my life. When my eldest son reached sixth grade, due to financial needs, I prepared to return to the workforce. I planned to retake some education courses and then become a teacher, thinking this was the best choice. Working in a school meant my schedule would align with my children’s after-school hours, allowing me to spend more time with them. I also had teaching experience and had taken many education courses in seminary. Unexpectedly, when the head of the university’s education department learned of my background, he suggested I pursue a degree in bilingual school psychology. He also told me that because few people qualified for this profession, the federal government offered a monthly stipend of over four hundred dollars to eligible students.
At that time, I had no idea such a profession even existed. When the department head explained that the primary role of a school-based psychologist was to assess school-age children with learning difficulties—to determine if they had disabilities, if they needed special education, and to develop individualized learning and behavioral intervention plans (Note 4)—I could hardly believe my ears. This department head, whom I had never met before, somehow knew exactly what my parents had dreamed of all their lives—that my severely mentally challenged fifth brother would receive such services. He strongly encouraged me to pursue this degree. I knew this was from God, not coincidence, for “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord (Isaiah 55:9). So, in my early forties, I returned to school to further my studies. When my eldest son entered high school, I began working as a trilingual (English, Cantonese, Mandarin) school psychologist in a public school. Later, I also took part in district administration and served as a supervisor for other psychologists. I wholeheartedly helped every student and parent, giving thanks for every task, as if I were serving my brother and parents. I worked in public schools for nineteen years before retiring.
A wider door of service
Although the faithful God opened a way out for me during the lowest ebb of my ministry, enabling me to endure (1 Corinthians 10:13), I still feel deep guilt in my heart and often doubt whether I have “turned back” or “loved the world.”
At the time when I returned to school for further studies and even started working, I did not dare to disclose the truth to my fellow believers. It was only a few years later that I understood God granted me the opportunity for further education not just to prepare a stable job for me, but to open a broader door of ministry. Because the education, counseling, assessment subjects I studied and the experience I gained working in public schools could all be applied to God’s holy work and the community.
First, the "Christian Workers Theological Seminary" invited me to teach two courses on Christian Education. Later, I published articles in the "Trumpet Southwest Edition" about raising the next generation in a bicultural environment, understanding public schools, bilingual development, and special education. Various churches and organizations also invited me to give talks on these topics, train Sunday school teachers, and hold seminars on youth and Christian family life. Among these, the training for Sunday school teachers and the family seminars are what I believe benefit the participants the most.
In the past, I often felt wronged and experienced loss in my ministry. I did not understand why God sometimes seemed to bring me to a dead end, and at other times asked me to take a detour. Later, I realized that God wanted to change and shape me. Os Guinness said, "Calling is not only a matter of being and doing what we are but also of becoming what we are not yet but are called by God to be." (Note 4) In the next chapter, I will talk about how God used the role of a "school psychologist" to transform my old personality, making me into "the person God is calling me to become in the future." This change brought no loss to my character or my ministry!
Note 1: Os Guinness, The Call: Finding and Fulfilling God’s Purpose for Your Life, Page 73 Note 2: Streams in the Desert, Morning Star Publishing, June 19, 1992 edition Note 3: Jill Briscoe, There’s a Snake in My Garden, Page 60 Note 4: For details, please refer to six articles I published about special education in the Southwestern edition of The Horn from July to December 2004. Note 5: Os Guinness, The Call: Finding and Fulfilling God’s Purpose for Your Life, Page 60.
Part 5: The Good and Beautiful Work in God’s Hands
Fearful! Yet Fearless Me!
I have lived most of my life in fear and anxiety. From childhood, I feared that my younger brother with disabilities would never be healed; in my teenage years, I began to fear that marriage would bring children born with disabilities. It was only later, through Ziliang’s guidance with Scripture, that this fear was removed.
Since childhood, I have seen my grandmother, simply because she was a woman, silently endure a lifetime of unequal treatment and mistreatment. As a result, after becoming a pastor’s wife, when faced with unreasonable or even unbiblical situations, I dared not speak up, fearing to offend others and worrying that my words and actions might affect my husband.
When I encounter unfair treatment or people who make things difficult for me, I wouldn’t defend or protect myself, often just turning a blind eye. But God knows this is unhealthy. He wants to shape me through His work, transforming me into someone decisive, skilled in negotiation, and courageous enough to uphold the truth and bring about change.
While studying bilingual school psychology, I realized that my mindset, methods, and personality all needed to change; otherwise, it would be very difficult to be a competent bilingual school psychologist in American public schools. Fortunately, the professors taught us to use analytical skills, self-reflection, and insight to understand ourselves and accept new ideas. Through new knowledge and changes in thinking, I learned to apply different teaching, assessment, management, and intervention methods that arise from cultural differences between China and the U.S. However, as a district supervisor and manager, it was a huge challenge for someone like me who was timid and afraid to confront problems. When someone made a mistake, I could not compromise or avoid the issue—I had to state the reasons clearly and correct it directly.
The New York City Department of Education is the largest school district in the United States, with an extremely heavy workload. Many staff members have developed impatient and intense attitudes. On top of that, the backing of unions creates numerous pressures and constraints in management and supervision. Parents often hire lawyers to demand impartial hearings in order to secure more services. At first, I was overwhelmed by these personnel management and litigation issues. It took me a long time to learn to overcome fear and anxiety, and to handle all kinds of difficult problems with a clear mind, fluent English, calm composure, and firm confidence. Sometimes, I felt so physically and mentally exhausted that I wanted to resign.
Through my work, I am shaped.
I have worked in three large school districts in the United States. In two of them, I was the only bilingual (Chinese-English) school psychologist with certification. I did not want bilingual students and their parents to, like my brother once did, be deprived of proper evaluation and services (Note 1). Therefore, I persevered in improving myself to meet the demands of the job. Moreover, I was certain that God intended to use this work to shape me. Although the work was hard, I experienced the satisfaction of helping others; my diligent work ethic earned respect and provided stable financial income. More importantly, through facing various challenges, I continually grew and matured, cultivating an independent and courageous character. Qu Xiangjiang aptly said: "Through work, we explore, shape, and understand ourselves in our inner world; within it, we find what our heart clings to, our own voice, and even create ourselves. This is an inner work. The self grows and matures through this work, becoming more innovative and able to respond to the call and vocation from above, caring for the world beyond oneself, and exercising the creative power that the Creator has given us." (Note 2)
Although the work was very busy, I did not forget to ask God to help me use this freely given knowledge and the “new me” in His holy work. Thanks be to God! He opened the way for me once again.
First, the “Christian Workers’ Theological Seminary” invited me to teach two courses on Christian education in Mandarin. At first, I felt a mix of joy and anxiety, hesitating to take the step. On one hand, I worried that my Mandarin pronunciation wasn’t accurate enough; on the other hand, I was glad to have the opportunity to teach theology students, helping them understand the content of Christian education, know how to select appropriate materials and methods to teach students of different ages and backgrounds, and learn how to train believers to become teachers. I knew that theology students would apply what they learned in churches and pass on this knowledge to others. This was truly a good opportunity to “entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others” (2 Timothy 2:2, latter part). God also reminded me not to worry about language issues since I had already passed the Chinese language proficiency exam successfully. Thus, I set aside my worries and wholeheartedly taught these two subjects.
Then, the Horn Southwest Edition invited me to write an education column. I believe that written communication is the most effective mass media, so from 2002 to 2004, I published twenty-eight articles on raising the next generation in a bicultural environment, understanding public schools, bilingual development, and special education. Various churches and organizations also invited me to speak on these topics, train Sunday school teachers, and hold seminars on youth and Christian family life. I was very glad that Ziliang partnered with me to co-host the family seminars. I thank God for giving me these opportunities to serve.
After working in public schools, the church leaders valued my gifts and experience more than before. I was free to choose the topics or specific age groups of students, and I also organized training seminars for Sunday school teachers, gaining more teaching opportunities than before. Additionally, when children or teenagers had problems at school, I was willing to serve as a mediator between parents and the school to seek solutions together. After class, I was also happy to tutor and counsel students.
God often uses conflicts involving children, youth, Sunday school teachers or parents, congregational dissatisfaction with Sunday school and youth programs, and the resignation of teachers and leaders due to lack of proper support, to awaken Christian education leaders and youth pastors to face these issues. When these situations arise, I look for appropriate opportunities to speak honestly with love, boldly sharing with leaders possible solutions or improvements. If they lack understanding of the problems and cannot communicate with one another—resulting in no improvement or resolution—I then entrust the outcome to God, and in doing so, I find rest (Matthew 11:28).
In the church, I am still “without proper title and not recognized,” holding no official position; simply having a fearless heart cannot solve many problems. But no one can stop my heart to love others and share the gospel. For over forty years, I have remained deeply attached to my church, earnestly longing for opportunities to serve my brothers and sisters more. I also earnestly hope that the church’s Christian education ministry can “…equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ.” (Ephesians 4:12-13)
Note 1: According to the regulations of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), if a student has Limited English Proficiency, assessments must be conducted in the student’s native language. Students should not be identified as having a disability solely because they come from different racial, cultural, or linguistic backgrounds. Schools should make every effort to provide bilingual and bicultural school psychologists and other personnel who hold bilingual certification to conduct assessments and provide services. Only as a last resort should interpreters be used to assist in assessments, since translation can sometimes compromise accuracy.
Note 2: Au Cheung Kong, “I Work? Work Shapes Me! — A Two-Way Journey of Work and Self”, page 168.
Afterword
I. To the Believers and Leaders of Chinese Churches (Especially North American Chinese Churches)
"There is neither... male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3:27-28)
Sister Wu Shuyi, in her article "Barriers to Reconciliation," challenges Christians with the following: "Christians should discern cultural traditions according to God's will, lay aside sinful assumptions, and then reflect on God's original intention and eternal plan for creating male and female, so that biblical truth can emerge from the burdens of culture."
The biblical truth is that "… men and women are not ranked higher or lower; both are created in God’s image and entrusted with the same mission. Yet both men and women rebelled and fell together, bearing the consequences and responsibilities. Sin caused separation between them and God, and fractured their relationship with each other. However, Christ’s salvation brings healing and redemption. Men and women alike receive grace, and according to God’s distribution of gifts, each exercises their strengths to build up the body of Christ, awaiting Christ’s return to jointly inherit the eternal kingdom." (Note 1)
Chinese churches, especially those in North America, please stop sidelining sisters who have been called by God and equipped through seminary training. As long as their gifts, training, and ministry experience meet the church’s needs and their lives are exemplary, they should have equal opportunities for service and employment alongside the brothers. The church should not decide who may serve or be hired based on gender or other human factors.
God has absolute sovereignty to choose anyone for His work, regardless of gender, age, or background. When the church does not utilize the sisters God has chosen, He opens another door of service for them. I am one example. There are also two Chinese sisters who responded to God’s calling and earned a Master of Divinity degree from North American seminaries. One has never been hired by any North American Chinese church but has been producing Christian television programs for over thirty years on a non-Chinese Christian TV station. The other, unwilling to accept the unequal ministry opportunities and treatment for male and female pastoral coworkers in Chinese churches, became a hospital chaplain over twenty years ago. Both are gifted and faithful servants of the Lord but have been shut out from Chinese churches. Isn’t this a loss and a pity for the Chinese church?
“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations... teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you...” (Matthew 28:19-20)
The Great Commission given by Jesus (Matthew 28:19-20) is not only about believers spreading the gospel but also about teaching. Unfortunately, some churches focus mainly on evangelism while neglecting teaching, and those that emphasize teaching often concentrate heavily on preaching from the pulpit.
Actually, Sunday school classes, Bible study groups, and fellowships designed according to age, spiritual maturity, or family life stages can better address the learners’ spiritual growth and life needs. This approach builds non-linear teaching, allowing participants to ask questions immediately, share insights and testimonies, encourage one another, and learn together. However, teachers and group leaders must receive training and be equipped so they can correctly and effectively lead and shepherd the group members.
When a church has multiple teaching ministries, it needs a dedicated person trained in Christian education to plan, supervise, coordinate, train, and counsel. Many Chinese churches do have the resources to hire a Christian education director or pastors/staff to manage children’s, youth, and family ministries, but they tend to allocate all their resources to hiring two or more pastors to lead the adult congregation instead.
Actually, children and youth are also members of the congregation, but they are not adults and therefore require unique teaching methods tailored to their needs. That is why seminaries offer different majors to equip theology students, so they can effectively serve people with diverse needs in their future ministries. Within the church, whether pastors or staff minister to congregants of any age group or oversee Christian education, their service in the Lord is complementary and without hierarchy. When a church hires more than one pastoral staff, their roles should be assigned based on the needs of the entire congregation, ensuring no group is neglected.
Nowadays, families are easily influenced by the corrupting trends of society, and both spouses and children are prone to adopting worldly bad habits. The church needs specially trained personnel to help them. If the church lacks sufficient resources to hire a full-time Christian education director or pastors and staff to oversee children’s, youth, and family ministries, then some pastoral staff, in addition to shepherding the adult congregation, must also take on these ministries. When hiring pastoral staff, it is important to clearly specify that the position involves responsibility for multiple areas of service.
Most importantly, it is essential to ensure that the applicant’s courses taken in seminary and their ministry experience meet the requirements of the position. Those without experience managing Christian education or teaching children and youth will find it difficult to perform competently in these areas. Pastoral staff in North America especially need to understand how to shepherd congregations living in a dual-cultural environment. If they lack this knowledge and experience, they can return to seminary or university to take relevant courses to enrich themselves.
If a church can only hire one pastor and has children and youth in the congregation, the pastor should invite several brothers and sisters who fear God, are familiar with the Bible, and live as role models to participate in the Christian education ministry. Ideally, parents with teaching experience or who are skilled in raising children should serve as teachers or mentors. Those with administrative abilities can assist in selecting teaching materials, organizing activities, and other related tasks. Most importantly, the church must provide training for them. The church can invite Sunday school publishers, seminaries, Child Evangelism Fellowship, or experienced Christian education leaders from other churches to conduct training sessions. It may also consider subsidizing brothers and sisters to take relevant education courses at seminaries or universities. However, the pastor must lead these ministries, encourage the participation of church members, and pray for them.
II. A Letter to Sisters Called by God and Trained in Seminary
“For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
Although many sisters are still not hired by (especially North American) Chinese churches, and only a few who are hired serve outside the scope of their gifts and training, please do not be discouraged. Be persevering, learn to obey with joy, and trust that God is sovereign and just! D.L. Moody said: "Let God have your life; He can do more with it than you can." Someday, we will come to understand the truth of this statement. Satan, working through people to oppose God’s work, will never overcome God’s plans and purposes for us.
As for me...
“We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)
Looking back on my life, there has been pain and unrest; yet, to others, many beautiful “coincidences.” God is the playwright and director who carefully arranged the stage of my life, and behind every event is His purpose and care. I thank God for calling my husband and me when we were young, giving us the opportunity to serve the Lord while still youthful, before the days of decline come (Ecclesiastes 12:1). He also provided me the chance to be nurtured free of charge in seminary and graduate school, shaping me through service and work to become His “workmanship” (Isaiah 64:8b). I thank God for freeing me from a timid nature and from the things I once feared, so that now I can serve “without fear” in the Lord, boldly speaking the truth in love at the right moments, and entrusting the results to God, thereby enjoying the “fearless” rest He promises (Matthew 11:28). Thank God! He has expanded my limited ministry into a broader and more effective field, so that ultimately I serve “without loss.” God’s grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9), and I desire to serve Him wholeheartedly in the days to come. For Jesus said, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked” (Luke 12:48b).
Note 1: Ching-Ping Chiu, Hsiu-Hsien Liu, and Shuk-Yee Ng, Reconciliation of the Genders, p. 23
Chiao-Yi Chou-Kwok