Cross the threshold and face the blue sky

【Specially invited article】2

What she is best at in this life is "doing"; after losing her independence, losing the power to help others, and losing her connection with others, what is left for her?

That day was like any early spring day, the sky was like blue jade and the sun was warm. In the office, she answered the phone, responded to e-mails, and prepared for meetings as usual... A sudden wave of intense dizziness made her unable to breathe. She wanted to get up, but fell down like this.

A co-worker sent her back to her apartment, but she didn't expect that she would stay there for nine weeks.

In the past, the occasional vertigo was always solved by taking one or two pills and getting enough sleep. This time is different, very different. As soon as she opened her eyes, the sky, the earth, and everything in them were approaching her step by step, and the huge pressure formed made her unable to move.

The psychiatrist told her that vertigo was a symptom of extreme anxiety and a precursor to anxiety disorder, and asked her to start taking antidepressant medication, but she refused. God can heal, I don't need drugs. She believed that she could get through this with her own faith.

However, after taking medication for vertigo and taking a few days of complete rest, my symptoms improved only slightly. I can't drive, can't go out, and can't even do anything at home. I have to completely rely on others to take care of my daily life. Family and friends bought and prepared meals for her, co-workers took her to the doctor, and her two married sons came back to visit from time to time with their granddaughters. But she could only lie like this.

What kind of disease is this? There are no external scars, but I can't move; there are no stents and catheters, but I sit like a trapped animal. Several times she fell on her face and cried to God: "What on earth do you want me to do?"

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yes! What she is best at in this life is "doing"; what she likes most is being among people. Working in a gospel organization, she never rested for a moment. Even if it was a simple inquiry call, in addition to providing the most detailed information, she would also take the initiative to care about the strangers on the other end of the phone line and pray for them. She can talk comfortably with people she knows and doesn't know. This kind of nature allows her to either help the pastor care for new members or open her home to receive Bible study groups. When family and friends needed anything, she was always there to provide a listening ear and a supporting hand.

When she had dizziness before, her close family and friends reminded her to slow down and know that her physical and mental strength were limited, but she turned a deaf ear.

All this is for God! Isn’t trying your best to help others what a good Christian should do?

Once upon a time, after scheduling a full schedule, it was the motivation to "look like a good Christian"; when the person receiving help thanked her, it made her feel accepted and affirmed. Unconsciously, in doing all this "for God", she no longer relied on God, but on herself.

Now nothing can be done. After losing her independence, losing the power to help others, and losing her connection with others, what is left for her? Is she still what?

Often, she would lie on the sofa after opening the long French window. Looking out is the blue sky of early spring, hearing the chirping of birds and feeling the breeze. Under the sun, everything is dazzling and brilliant. However, there seems to be an invisible wall between her and the sun. The sun cannot shine into her hut, and she cannot go out to touch the sun.

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The organization still needs to continue to operate. Although the manpower is streamlined, each co-worker allocates a little more time to share her work. Volunteers also organize a rota, and there are people in the office every day to answer phone calls, answer e-mails, and help with administrative tasks. Someone took her to see a doctor and receive psychological counseling. The pastor often used the teachings of the Bible to open her heart and pray with her.

My friend was suffering from depression. After living in a cramped house for a week or two, he took the initiative to take her out for some fresh air. Sitting by the lakeside watching the ducklings swimming, my friend shared his journey of receiving treatment. The words "I know how you feel" made her burst into tears. Another friend also suffered from anxiety attacks. He often called her and told her in a soft and firm voice: "You won't always be like this."

She began to realize that no amount of advice from people in the past could make her stop being busy. After completely losing her strength, would she be required to accept a break? Having completely lost her ability and identity and having to rely on the help of others, would she be required to accept it - rely on God? She still prays to God to take away the disease, but is determined to walk through the dark path, no matter how long it takes.

Among the many sympathy cards received, someone wrote: We all hope to understand why God gives us this pain. It seems that with the answers, the pain will be more bearable. Yet many times God says nothing. But even when He is silent, we can still believe and feel His presence.

After receiving treatment, the vertigo symptoms gradually alleviated and my physical strength gradually recovered. Psychological and spiritual counseling continues, because the patterns of thinking and behavior accumulated over decades cannot be adjusted overnight. Nine weeks after the onset of the disease, the doctor allowed her to return to the office, starting from two hours, and gradually extending her working hours. She also told her that recovery would be a long journey and she could only take one step at a time.

It was just like any other working day. She picked up her keys and opened the door. When she crossed the threshold and looked up, she was pleasantly surprised to find that the sky was so blue and the sun was so warm.

About the Author

Lin Minwen devotes herself to literary ministry and focuses on writing and editing.