Cultural barriers to "sex"?

How to break through Chinese society and Chinese Christians

Editor's note:
Two senior Kingdom of God teachers, Guo Yuanping and Liu Yongling, have condensed the essence of marriage counseling over the years into one class, especially teaching on the theme of "sex" in this "Kingdom of God Cultural Practice Camp". The article also mentioned the attitudes and views of "millennials" on "sex". Thanks to Teacher Guo and Teacher Liu for sharing sincerely with readers.

introduction

The environment in which the two of us grew up was similar to that of most Chinese who grew up in Asia. Whether at home or in school, apart from adolescent boys exchanging wrong or biased information with each other, almost no one talked about the topic of "sex", let alone the so-called sex education. Therefore, from a young age, we believe that sex is indecent, dirty, and should not be discussed openly. Anyway, when we grow up, we will naturally understand it.

For us, the invisible teaching passed down by the entire culture and society is that sex is just a last resort to carry on the family line. Even when we come to the United States to study and get married, the media depicts sex overwhelmingly, but we have True understanding of the purpose of marriage and sexual intimacy between couples is very limited.

Over the years, we as husband and wife have had the opportunity to learn about this topic that the Chinese church avoids talking about, and because of our learning and spiritual growth in this area, we have the opportunity to share our thoughts and experiences. In the past ten years (1999-2015), because of marriage and family ministry, we have traveled to many places, including Taiwan, China, Malaysia and various parts of North America.

After many "Couple Unity Growth Camps" or marriage seminars, many people had private conversations with us and asked about things that they normally would not dare to discuss in church or in public. These problems are often related to sexual intimacy and have been troubled for many years, causing much unnecessary suffering. From these experiences and observations, we understand that most Chinese people have the following cultural barriers to their views and attitudes towards "sex":

1. Sex cannot be discussed in public (such as church) or openly (such as at home). Because this topic is too indecent.
2. The main purpose of sex is to continue the family line, and nothing else is important.
3. Even in the 21st century, many people in Chinese culture still think about sex: sex is for men to enjoy, I (a woman) don’t need it, it’s dispensable for me, and I haven’t enjoyed it anyway. . Couples are taboo about discussing their personal needs for sexual intimacy, and may even find it shameful to discuss the topic.
4. Chinese women usually do not value the importance of sexual intimacy between husband and wife in strengthening a marriage, and even think that raising children is more important than the relationship between husband and wife.
5. Chinese society tolerates and even accepts men having extramarital affairs (or mistresses). The requirements for women in this regard are double standards.
6. Many couples’ daily communication is too superficial and rarely cultivates heart-to-heart communication. As a result, couples are unable (perhaps embarrassed or unaware) to express their desired “sexual needs” during the intimacy process.
7. Sexual issues are your own privacy, and you don’t need to talk about it if you’re embarrassed. Anyway, sex is only a small part of life.
8. You should never tell others about sexual abuse. Accepting counseling is just a public scandal.
9. In view of these Chinese "sexual" cultural barriers, let us explore how to break through and escape the "framework" of traditional culture and find a healthy, balanced and free path.

To change these cultural barriers, a multifaceted approach must be taken. This includes publishing books, holding sex education lectures, seminary lectures and special topics and church teachings based on biblical teachings, step by step changing the Chinese understanding of "sex" so that "sex" can become a subject of public discussion. Discussed in sections below:

1. The main premise of discussing "sex"

First, when we talk about sex, we need to make the main premise clear: we believe (from a biblical perspective) that sex was created by God (see Genesis Chapter 2). When humans entered into their first marriage, God had clearly told us the ultimate purpose of marriage: “Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

Therefore, it is obvious that sex is a gift from God in marriage. Sexual intimacy makes husband and wife become one body and further promotes the unity of body and soul between husband and wife. This is the ultimate purpose of marriage. Pursuing this goal goes hand in hand with removing cultural barriers to sex.

Furthermore, because we believe that God created sex, including believing that the Bible teaches that He wants us to enjoy it in marriage, any other sexual relationship outside of marriage is fornication. If we do not accept this boundary, the consequences will be many sequelae to the marriage. Not only can we not break through the cultural barriers of "sex", but we have caused the proliferation of "sex".

2. Correct Chinese people’s misconceptions about sex

When it comes to Chinese misconceptions about sex, the most common ones are: sex is indecent, dirty, and should not be discussed openly. Because we can't talk about it openly (like at home or in church), sex is relegated to a dark, secretive corner.

在這種情況下，如果任何人陷入性試探、沈溺色情，就很難離開黑暗，重獲自由。目前社會有太多人（尤其是男性）沈溺色情網站。這些人包括各種背景的男女、年輕人、基督徒、非基督徒、牧師、教會領導等¹.

Past counseling experience tells us that many Chinese (especially men) believe that viewing pornographic websites is just a pastime to relieve stress and is harmless and should not be a cause for alarm. They don't know how damaging pornography can be to individuals and their relationships. In fact, watching pornographic websites is also a type of extramarital affair in marriage; it causes too many harms and sequelae to marriage! In order for the Chinese to break through the cultural barriers of "sex", it is very important to start to face it openly, such as talking about and discussing these topics healthily in the church. At home, parents should bring this topic into daily life and deliberately make the home a place for healthy discussions about "sex."

早期教會對性的觀念深受聖奧古斯丁（Saint Augustine, 354-430AD）的影響。因為他對「性」的誤解，認為性是罪惡的；享受性的快感與愉悅是犯罪的；婚姻中的性關係只是為了傳宗接代²。這些觀念直到今天還在影響華人對性的了解。因為一般教會很少在講臺上、主日學或查經班公開教導或討論，很多基督徒對性的了解常與聖經教導不吻合。華人要突破「性」的文化障礙，就得除去以上提到的傳統錯誤性觀念。

3. Enhance Chinese people’s in-depth understanding of “sex” and marriage

As mentioned earlier, in Chinese culture, when it comes to the concept of the relationship between "sex" and marriage, many people still remain at the conclusion that "sex" is mainly to satisfy men's needs. Women (me) are dispensable, and I don’t enjoy anything anyway. Many wives regard sexual relations as a responsibility in marriage and only satisfy their husband's needs.

In a society where men are superior to women (Chinese culture is still stuck with this idea), unfortunately, men often use power and money to satisfy their desires, regardless of women's feelings and wishes, making women always feel used in this regard. Not respected or cherished.

Therefore, couples (especially husbands) must get rid of the "self-centered" attitude, which is a big killer of marriage relationships. Any relationship is two-sided. When only one party in a couple's sexual relationship is satisfied, you can imagine how boring this relationship becomes, losing the unity of body, mind and soul, let alone passion.

In order to break through the cultural barriers of "sex" and improve the quality of Chinese people in "sex" and marriage, we recommend the following actions and steps:

1. The husband must take the lead in the sexual intimacy of marriage
How the husband leads affects the wife's sensitive reaction (positive or negative). During the intimacy process, the husband must pay attention to his wife's needs and let her also be satisfied, or even satisfy her needs first. When a couple is sexually satisfied, it not only deepens the psychological connection between the two, but also strengthens the marriage. Although sexual intimacy is only a small part of married life, it affects every aspect. It is the lubricant and thermometer of the marital relationship. If there is not enough knowledge or understanding in this area, couples can learn with humility.

市面上有很多這方面的書籍，但絕大多數是英文書籍³。有鑒於在華人社會中缺少教導夫妻性親密的中文書籍，我們歷經多年收集資料，加上自己四十幾年的婚姻經驗，寫出我們生平第一本書：《性福佳偶─夫妻性親密50問》（郭淵棐、劉永齡著，道聲出版社，臺北，臺灣，2012）。書中第六章特別教導夫妻如何在親密關係中使雙方都得滿足。我們真心渴望因為這本書的出版，幫助更多夫妻享受親密關係，長保婚姻的熱情。能夠做到這種地步，就是華人在「性」的文化障礙上大突破！

2. In daily life, the husband must be the "head" in the marriage relationship
What is mentioned here is the sacrifice of the head for this family and marriage. The husband will pay close attention to his wife's thoughts and inner desires, and is willing to communicate deeply with each other. His concept of "head" does not mean "big boss" or "macho"ism. He only gives orders. As the "head", he pays special attention to his wife's needs and does not hesitate to serve her, including her sexual needs. If your husband is a Christian, he should never use Bible passages (such as 1 Corinthians 7:4) as a "stick" to force his wife to "submit" during sexual intimacy between husband and wife. The sexual relationship between husband and wife is a channel for conveying love. It is voluntary and must not be forced.

The husband must first break through traditional Chinese culture and become a man in the new century, that is, be a servant with leadership. Under his leadership, the wife is an equal partner in marriage, and her help to her husband (eg Genesis 2:20) is as important and influential as God’s help to us (Psalm 33:20).

We long to see more good men of the new century come forward and lead every home to become a home of love, joy and peace. I hope every husband understands that when his wife feels loved and cherished, her face will show a sense of security and a face filled with joy. This will be a major breakthrough for the Chinese in marriage relationships and "sexual" culture. I really hope that every Chinese couple can encourage each other to move towards this great breakthrough!

3. Abandon the double standards of Chinese sexual culture
We have to ask why Chinese culture and society still tolerate and even accept men’s extramarital affairs (keeping mistresses). Many men say, "I want a wife and a mistress." We have to ask the husband, if his wife did the same thing with other men, would he accept it? Obviously, someone in the Chinese culture must teach and model how to maintain chastity and commitment in marriage, and the double standards in the "sexual" culture cannot be perpetuated.

4. Help increase Chinese women’s emphasis on sexual intimacy
Due to the influence of traditional culture, Chinese women are always passive about sex, and often regard raising children as more important than intimacy between husband and wife. In fact, sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a matter between two people and requires the participation of the wife. Women can also study with their husbands, enjoy together, and even take the initiative to add enthusiasm to the intimate relationship. We believe and encourage a dignified and virtuous wife to become a sexy and passionate woman in front of her husband. The fact that my wife can enjoy sex to this extent not only makes her husband feel passionate and encouraged, but it is also a huge breakthrough for Chinese women towards "sex"!

5. Chastity before marriage

父母以身作則，教導年輕一代遠避婚前性行為，對「性」與婚姻的神聖，有適當的認識⁴.

6. Sound sex education

Parents set an example to build a loving marriage and teach their children healthy and balanced sex education. For details, please refer to Issues 74 to 82 of True Love Magazine (www.famlykeepers.org), Mr. Guo & Mr. Liu’s mailbox.

7. Dare to ask for help

If there are problems in the sexual intimacy between husband and wife, you must seek help from professional counseling. Don't be bound by the traditional concept of "keeping a family scandal in public" and allow the painful marriage to continue and become an ulterior secret in the family. For example, if you know that the disharmony in your sex life is related to your wife being sexually assaulted as a child. Or, since you were newly married, you have been unable to have a normal sexual relationship as a couple due to your wife's physical problems (natural or psychological injuries). In this case, if you choose to break through the cultural barriers to sex and seek the help of professional counseling, there will be hope for your problems and relationship, and your married life will be free.

8. Care, understanding, interaction, encouragement and prayer for the Millennial Generation

Perhaps to the young people of the Millennial generation, the above is a cliché. Perhaps you think that you are the most open, free, and least bound by tradition.

You think there is no absolute right or wrong in the world, you can decide for yourself. Especially when it comes to "sexual" relationships, Millennials believe that they are completely liberated, and few people consider where the boundaries of "sexuality" are. Maybe you've experienced "hook ups," living together, trial marriages, and all kinds of casual and frivolous sexual relationships without commitment (or mutual commitment). Maybe pornographic websites are a part of your life, and some have reached the point of addiction. Perhaps you have lost the sense of sanctity (sacredness) about the sexual relationship between men and women and the concept of marriage; you do not understand that this kind of relationship can only be carried out in a marriage that continues to be committed (or committed) and cannot be shared with others (exclusiveness) before it can achieve true intimacy. relation.

也許有些人已經讀過色情小說《格雷的50道陰影》（Fifty Shades of Grey），正在猶豫BDSM⁵（綁縛與調教，施虐與受虐）是否為「性」慾望的選擇之一。對千禧世代，你們在人生過程中，沒什麼沒看過、沒聽過的，因為所有的資訊、圖片及影片都可在網上（電腦）、i-phone、智能手機等看到。

But we have to ask: Are the millennials the most liberal, with no cultural barriers to sex at all? In fact, this is not the case. From the post-war baby boomers to the current generation, even though the social culture was different at that time, there were still cultural barriers to sexual choices. These barriers represent the sexual choices each generation makes due to brokenness. These breaks may come from the family of origin (such as sexual injury or psychological injury, etc.) or damage from other special life experiences (such as pornography, etc.).

We encourage everyone to bring their broken hearts to God and let God's love heal us. Together with the mutual support of friends around us, we usually live a life of church fellowship or group love to break through the cultural barriers of "sex." Let the older generation care for the younger generation with the hearts of fathers and mothers. We can "openly" discuss the topic of "sex" together, understand and encourage each other, pray for each other, and explore together how to enjoy the true freedom of "sex" within the boundaries set by God.

Conclusion: The relationship between sexual intimacy and spirituality between husband and wife - the realm of sexual freedom

When the Chinese society and Chinese Christians break through the cultural barriers to "sex," perhaps couples can begin to understand the relationship between sexual intimacy and spirituality. This is the realm of freedom brought about by breaking through cultural barriers to sex. This is the highest level of understanding and experience of "sex." Here, sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a spiritual experience, and the unity of body, mind, and soul between husband and wife allows husband and wife to feel the presence of God.

The Bible teaches that when a couple is united in body, soul, and spirit in sexual intimacy, it reflects the unity of Jesus and the church (see Ephesians 5:31-32). This concept allows us to see God’s intention in creating marriage and sex. That is: experiencing the revelation God has given us through the unity of body, soul, and soul created through physical sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a spiritual pursuit and exercise for two people together. On the spiritual journey, the husband and wife continue to grow spiritually and receive the source of love from God. Husband and wife are better able to love their spouse with the love of God. This kind of love is the most beautiful expression of loving God and the testimony of life. If a couple achieves this level of sexual intimacy, their marriage may be like a heavenly song. They can use that perfect, harmonious sound to praise God and thank Him for the joy and happiness He has given them. Our marriage can enter into the glorious plan God gave every marriage in the beginning in the Garden of Eden. I hope that every couple will be like us and regard such a marriage as our ultimate goal to glorify the name of God.

I hope that more Chinese people will join this journey of marriage that pursues the unity of body, mind and soul, and praise God’s greatness and grace together in the process!

WORK CITED
1.         請參閱：www.emu.edu./seminary/features/response.html
2.         請參閱：http://patriarchywebsite.com/bib-patriarchy/deception-augustine-love-sex.htm
3.         我們推薦研讀這本書：When Two Become One – Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Christopher & Rachel McCluskey, Fleming H. Revel Publishing Company, Grand Rapids, MI 49516., USA. 2004.
4.         請參閱：《性福佳偶─夫妻性親密50問》第五章，（郭淵棐，劉永齡著，道聲出版社，臺北，臺灣，2012）
5.         BDSM代表：bondage & discipline 及 sadism & masochism。