The storm is looking forward to clearing up

Glimpses of Domestic Violence─Lifting the Mask of Domestic Violence

Home is a nest of love. However, many nests were torn to pieces due to the raging wind and rain.

Domestic violence has always existed, both at home and abroad, in ancient and modern times, but it has been hidden in dark corners for a long time in the past. In the past 20 years, due to social changes, the issue of domestic violence has gradually become a topic of public concern.

Domestic violence is a global problem. According to the United Nations, about one-third of women worldwide have been physically or sexually assaulted. Shocking incidents of violence are often reported in newspapers, magazines or the media. In many countries, at least 30% families are experiencing violence. According to the FBI report, from 1976 to 1996, an average of four people died from domestic violence every day in the United States.

The U.S. Congress passed a law in 1994 to protect women who have suffered domestic violence. Taiwan promulgated the Domestic Violence Prevention and Control Act in 1998. China passed the Anti-Domestic Violence Law of the People's Republic of China in 2015. More than 40 countries around the world have enacted relevant laws. Domestic Violence Laws.

Based on the experience of caring for and counseling victims of domestic violence, the author will first use a real story to analyze and explore various aspects of domestic violence, hoping that readers will have a deeper understanding of domestic violence and provide more care and help to the victims.

Example: A bruised reed, He will not break it

prince charming

Wen Qing went to the United States to study in his early years. After graduation, he worked as the director of social work in a hospital in Massachusetts. At that time, a former college roommate enthusiastically recommended a young man named Zong Bai to Wenqing. Friends say he is serious about his work and a Christian whose character is highly appreciated. After getting Wenqing's approval, Zong Bai launched a love letter offensive. After several months, he finally got the chance to meet.

Zong Bai spoke candidly about himself: He came from a well-known family, and his parents were both highly educated. Unfortunately, his mother died suddenly when he was three years old, and he lacked maternal love since he was a child. He did not show any self-pity when describing the past, but instead made the kind and compassionate young man feel some pity for him.

After less than a year of dating, when Zong Bai plucked up the courage to propose to her, Wen Qing felt that Zong Bai was loyal, honest and sincere, and was indeed his ideal partner, so she agreed.

Like a tyrant

After getting married, Wen Qing was looking for work near home, and a retired military hospital asked her to be the director of social work, but Zong Bai disagreed because "most of the patients are men." Some state government hospitals wanted to hire her, but he did not agree because they had to serve "mental patients." Wenqing began to realize that Zong Bai was very controlling and quite arbitrary. Finally, Zong Bai finally agreed to let her work in a nursing home.

Zong Bai's workplace is less than five minutes' drive from home, but Wen Qing's drive takes three to forty minutes. However, Zong Bai stipulates that Wen Qing must arrive home earlier than him after get off work every day. On Zong Bai's birthday, the first after her marriage, Wenqing went to the shopping mall to buy gifts after work. It was already dusk when she returned home. When she picked up the key and opened the door, the door was suddenly opened, and Zong Bai yelled from behind the door: "Why did you come back so late?" Wen Qing was slapped on the face. This sudden attack made her frightened and aggrieved. She cried and explained: "Today is your birthday, I went to buy a gift for you!" Now! Zong Baicai hugged her tightly, apologized to her frequently and said, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry..." He even knelt down to admit his mistake and begged her to forgive him.

Lying on the bed, Wen Qing couldn't sleep all night. They had only been married for a few months, and never in their wildest dreams did they expect Zong Bai to be so arrogant. She kept thinking: "What should I do?" The image of him kneeling to her appeared in her mind. She thought that the newlyweds were still adjusting to each other, and there would inevitably be friction or conflict. However, he lacked maternal love and discipline since childhood, and his personality He is more impulsive, will you forgive him this time? At dawn, when the sky was dim, Wen Qing decided to forgive his violence this time.

▲Home is a nest of love. However, many nests were torn to pieces due to the raging wind and rain.

Devastated by wind and rain

Early the next morning, Zong Bai promised Wen Qing that he would never commit such reckless behavior again. In the days that followed, Zong Bai treated Wenqing with considerate care, always greeted her, and often took her to eat at famous restaurants.

Unfortunately, the good times did not last long. Half a year later, Zong Bai was under pressure from work. He often left early and came back late. If he was not satisfied, he would throw the bowl and chopsticks and get angry. When he couldn't find something, he would grab Wen Qing's hand and accuse her. When working in the summer, young people dare not wear short-sleeved shirts because their arms often have bruises and scars. She didn't want her colleagues to become suspicious when they saw her, as the saying goes, "Family scandals should not be made public." She was also afraid that her mother would be worried about her, so she remained silent in front of her family.

Realizing that the injuries were not serious each time and understanding Zong Bai's pressure, Wen Qing accepted the situation and tried to avoid offending him. But "it's impossible to guard against it." No matter how hard Wen Qing tried to obey, Zong Bai couldn't avoid losing control of his emotions.

After the birth of his daughter, Zong Bai once burst into laughter and was happy that he became a father. He asked Wen Qing to resign and take care of the child at home.

However, the arrival of a child has added a lot of busyness to life and also increased his mental load. When his daughter gets sick occasionally, Zong Bai will ask impatiently: "Why is she sick?" The child's crying will also cause his displeasure and impatience. Wen Qing thought that love and obedience would bring about Zong Bai's change, but little did he know that this was actually connivance. Instead, it accelerated the frequency of his anger outbursts. If he was not careful, he would immediately become violent.

Ever since he was easily forgiven for the first time, Zong Bai had habitually used violence against her. He often forced Wen Qing into a corner, punched and kicked her, and sprained her shoulders and arms. She is still unable to lift her arms horizontally. Afterwards, he would blame himself, apologize sincerely, and try to change his ways, but it always failed to last. A few months later, he would revert to his old behavior, or even get worse.

He was very emotionally unstable, chatting and laughing one minute and furious the next. When his temper flared up, he would gleam fiercely like a devil, gnashing his teeth, swearing, and pounced on Wen Qing like a roaring lion with his teeth and claws, making her unable to move.

▲After Zong Bai hit his wife for the first time, he apologized frequently. Wen Qing was moved and quickly forgave him. No measures were taken to deal with or prevent it. (Schematic diagram, not party involved.)

long-suffering

The young man was mentally and physically exhausted and lost weight suddenly, so he had no choice but to seek help from the church pastor. The pastor expressed deep sympathy and visited his home. Every time, Zongbai confessed that he was remorseful and expressed that he would improve. However, he fell into a vicious cycle of repeatedly repenting and repenting, and he was unable to extricate himself.

Zongbai usually talks and laughs at church, and does not look like someone who would beat his wife. The pastor advises Wenqing to be patient and try not to offend Zongbai. After the pastor's persuasion, Zong Bai seemed to get better for a while, but when the pressure came, he angrily cursed: "You are full of muddy garbage!" Sometimes he even spit in her face... Years of such abuse and humiliation have caused the young man to have a very low self-image.

Zongbai's atrocities did not end because of the pastor's persuasion. One day after dinner, Wenqing was washing dishes. The phone rang upstairs. Zongbai answered it and called Wenqing loudly. She was about to go upstairs. By the time she said it, Zongbai had already rushed down and shouted: "Why?" Won't you come up quickly?" A pair of slippers were thrown towards me. It turns out something happened at his brother's house, so he took it out on Wen Qing.

Wen Qing once again sought help from the pastor, but the pastor felt that these things were not life-threatening and advised her to continue to be patient, because the only reason for divorce among Christians was "adultery," and Zong Bai did not commit this crime. The teacher's wife also said to her: "This is your cross, you should bear it well!" The pastor added: "He is a good man, but sometimes he has a bad temper. Please forgive him!" Wenqing looked in the Bible and found nothing She did not want to violate biblical principles regarding the verses that permitted divorce due to violence, so she suffered in silence from then on without asking for help.

▲One time he grabbed her hair and strangled her. She was so frightened that she broke into a cold sweat. She realized what would happen to the child if he was strangled to death? (Schematic diagram, not party involved.)

frightened bird

As the daughter grows older, she becomes afraid of her father's yelling and rude words and deeds. As soon as she heard the garage door open and knew her father was home, she couldn't help but tremble. Wen Qing could only pray with her daughter every day, asking the Lord to comfort her little heart.

One night, Zong Bai didn't come home for a long time. Wen Qing finished telling her story with her daughter and was putting her to sleep when Zong Bai's roar came from downstairs. Her daughter was scared and begged her mother to lock the door. , Zong Bai rushed upstairs and roared: "Where did you hide the video tape I borrowed? Open the door quickly!" Before Wen Qing could open the door, he kicked the door down, and his daughter was so frightened that she cried...

In order to reduce the negative impact on her daughter, whenever Zong Bai lost his temper, Wen Qing would drag him to the basement to "have a good talk". Unexpectedly, this put him in danger. Once, when the two had a disagreement, he pressed her head on the cold floor, grabbed her hair and strangled her, making her unable to breathe. At the critical moment, she struggled to escape, breaking out in a cold sweat. Wen Qing realized what would happen to the child if he strangled him to death? The next day, while Zong Bai was at work, she took her daughter to hide at an American friend's house.

From then on, whenever Zong Bai got angry and fought with fists and kicks, her daughter always begged her mother to run away. The fear and trauma in her childhood have been haunting her daughter to this day. Even after she got married, she still often had nightmares about "daddy beating mommy"...

After leaving home with his daughter that time, Zong Bai searched everywhere, and finally found the car when it appeared. After returning home, he gave her both soft and soft words, telling her how much he loved her, how much he needed her, and how he couldn't live without her. While Zong Bai expressed his feelings, he also warned Wen Qing: "If one day you want to divorce me, I will kill you!"

▲The fear and trauma of her childhood have always haunted her daughter, and she still often has nightmares after marriage... (Schematic diagram, not involved in the incident.)

Sitting in the city of sorrow

For many years, Wenqing has been working hard to find ways to solve domestic violence. They understood that Zong Bai had been traumatized when he was young and was in urgent need of help and treatment, and encouraged him to receive psychological counseling, but he refused. He was repeatedly asked to receive marriage counseling together, but was repeatedly rejected. Because Zong Bai almost accidentally strangled Wen Qing to death that time, he agreed to receive marriage counseling with her. After two or three consultations, when the counselor asked Zong Bai to change his mentality and behavior, he refused to go any more.

One weekend, the couple were sitting side by side on the sofa having a heart-to-heart talk. When they suddenly disagreed, he raised his fist and hit her on the head like raindrops. She screamed in pain. The daughter rushed out of the door and ran to a neighbor's house for help. The police arrived immediately, but did not arrest Zong Bai because no evidence of trauma could be found. Another time, Zong Bai shot too hard and Wen Qing injured his shoulder. The police came forward and the court ruled a "temporary restraining order", stipulating that Zong Bai could not live at home in the short term. He asked a church deacon for help, saying that his wife had kicked him out of the house. The deacon temporarily took Zong Bai in and advised Wen Qing not to call the police again in the future, as it would make the matter bigger and there would be no good witnesses.

And legal avenues don't seem to work. Zong Bai once pleaded guilty to the judge in court, desperately emphasizing that he loved his wife very much, but was just impulsive, and promised that he would definitely change. Even the judge was truly moved by his words and sympathized with him. Wen Qing had never thought of divorcing Zong Bai, believing that it was not in line with God's will and not good for her children. She only hoped that he could get closer to God and rely on God to change his temper. She often prayed for him, eager to join hands with him on the road to heaven and bear good witness to God, but unfortunately, everything went against her wishes.

▲After long-term endurance and suffering, the literary youth learned that they could only cry out to God and draw wisdom and strength from the Bible.

Survival from desperate situation

In order to protect the safety of her children and herself, Wen Qing knew that even if she did not get divorced, she would have to temporarily separate from Zong Bai, but he failed to find her after several attempts. At the same time, because she quit her job to take care of her children at home, she was financially strapped, and her close friends were unable to help her. As the saying goes, "It is difficult for an upright official to deal with household affairs." Who is willing to ask for trouble? Without the support of the church or the help of friends, and unwilling to drag down her parents' family, the world is so big in an instant, but the young man doesn't know where to go?

After long-term endurance and suffering, the Literary Youth Association could only cry out to God and try to draw wisdom and strength from the Bible. Slowly, she discovered how precious God’s words are and how real God’s presence is! She started by seeking God, trusting God, and then experiencing God. When her future was uncertain, Heavenly Father became her only guide, support and hope. Many Bible verses brought her timely encouragement and comfort. She especially loved the Psalms and Isaiah because they were full of God’s comfort and promises. Relying on the Lord, she felt she could face everything.

After his daughter got married, Zong Bai returned to China alone several times to visit relatives. One day, he suddenly announced that he was divorcing Wen Qing. It turned out that while visiting relatives, he reunited with an old acquaintance. She was more than ten years younger than him and had always dreamed of immigrating to the United States. She was attentive to him and took him around.

The marriage that she had worked hard to maintain for more than thirty years finally fell apart, and Wenqing suddenly felt like a failure and abandonment. Her eyes were blurred with tears, but she saw God's kind face whispering to her softly: "I don't want him to continue hurting you!" Wen Qing couldn't help but feel a bit of peace of mind and relief, and infinite gratitude to God welled up in her heart. . The reeds, which have been damaged but not broken, sway gently in the breeze; the sky clears up after the rain, and the setting sun shines colorful afterglow from the dense clouds, and the rosy clouds on the horizon look particularly brilliant.

▲God’s words are the source of wisdom and strength for the young woman, allowing her to find peace in the wind and rain and see the dawn.

Understanding domestic violence

Domestic violence, referred to as "domestic violence", refers to physical or mental violations that occur between family members. Its targets include parents, spouses, children, siblings, etc., with a wide range of forms; forms include marital violence, sexual abuse, child and adolescent or elder abuse, etc. This article discusses physical violence by a spouse only.

The abuser uses coercion, restraint, or aggression to control his or her spouse. Physical abuse involves pushing, pulling, grabbing, twisting, hitting, kicking, throwing, strangling, beating... or using furniture, utensils, knives, sticks, etc. to injure the victim's body, and in severe cases, even cause death. Physical violence can also be accompanied by verbal and mental harm: verbal abuse, humiliation, threats, intimidation, and roaring... which can make the abused feel fearful, anxious, frustrated, uneasy, nervous, ashamed, and lose self-confidence...

Causes of domestic violence

The issue of domestic violence is extremely complex. Generally speaking, these include the following reasons:

1. The most fundamental cause of domestic violence originates from human sinfulness
Due to human selfishness, pride, greed, lack of compassion and love, it leads to the behavior of the weak eating the strong, bullying the good and fearing the evil. The world is declining, people's hearts are declining, and people in the world act according to their own will, which is bound to have consequences that harm others.

2. Social and cultural factors
The traditional consciousness of "men are superior to women" and the concept of "three obediences and four virtues" influence the mentality and habits of some men to dominate. China's traditional patriarchal ideology can easily lead to abuse of authority.

3. Personal characteristics factors
Many perpetrators are not good at expressing or controlling their emotions, have impulsive personalities, have bad tempers, and lack the ability to face pressure. Controlling and jealousy are often the biggest factors, and some people have different mental conditions. Others are caused by the pain of their original family, being left out in the cold while growing up, or witnessing domestic violence.

4. Family characteristics factors
The couple lacks communication skills, brewing conflicts but not knowing how to resolve them, which gradually turn into violent situations. Most people think that domestic violence is a private family matter and are unwilling to intervene; victims do not easily seek help from outsiders and choose to continue to endure it. As a result, the perpetrators are not stopped or sanctioned, and then continue to commit violence, or even intensify it.

5. Differences between men and women
According to statistics, male perpetrators account for more than 85% of domestic violence incidents. Men are usually physically stronger than women and have higher economic capabilities and social status. When a husband does not understand or is unwilling to love his wife, the man's advantage often causes him to become domineering and even abuse his wife.

Domestic violence myths

People often hold the following misconceptions about domestic violence:

1. Domestic violence only occurs in uneducated families with low education levels.
In fact, domestic violence occurs in families of all socioeconomic classes, religions, races, and educational backgrounds. Perpetrators include government officials, doctors, lawyers, priests, police officers, farmers, workers, engineers, alcoholics, drug addicts, etc.

2. Domestic violence does not happen often, and even if it does happen, it will not get worse.
Domestic violence is not an occasional behavior and does not end automatically. It often occurs in a cyclical manner. Repeated acts of violence will make the perpetrators more aggressive and violent, and the victims will be more and more seriously injured.

3. Domestic violence usually occurs because the victim has a strong personality and provokes the perpetrator to attack.
The opposite is true. For a strong vixen, the perpetrators dare not attack easily. The essence of domestic violence is power and control. The perpetrators measure how to win through manipulation and coercion. For a weak victim, no matter how careful she is in words and deeds, she still cannot prevent the abuser from becoming angry and violent.

4. Domestic violence will end when the victim leaves.
Facts have proved that the problem is not so easy to solve. The perpetrators will not give up the relationship easily, but will make every possible effort to stop it. When the victim leaves, the abuser may become more violent. Many victims of violence still cannot ensure safety even after calling the police. According to statistics, approximately 701 TP3T domestic violence murders occur after the victim attempts to leave or leaves.

Example discussion

Domestic violence is like a silent plague that spreads to many families, and Christian families are no exception. The parishioners sitting next to you in church may be the perpetrators or the victims. Some believers do not truly understand the true teachings of Christ and use the excuse that "the husband is the head of the wife" and "wives must submit to their husbands" to force their wives to obey everything and be submissive.

From the example in this article, when domestic violence occurs for the first time, the wife quickly forgives her husband and does not take any measures to deal with or prevent it, which is really a mistake. She thought that conflicts could be resolved with love, but forgiveness and connivance resulted in continuous atrocities in the future. As a Christian, when she was desperate, she turned to the church for help. However, after the pastor failed to persuade her husband, he did not come up with appropriate strategies to hold the abuser accountable for his actions. The abused party unilaterally abides by the pastor's teachings, strives to improve himself, is patient and plays the role of a good wife.

However, living in fear for a long time made her often feel helpless, lonely and depressed, and her body, mind and spirit were severely damaged. There are endless cases of domestic violence. Although the stories are different, the personalities of the perpetrators or victims are also different. However, based on the author’s experience in domestic violence and counseling over the past one to twenty years, I have found that victims of abuse tend to be mild-mannered, weak, and lacking in self-confidence.

In this case, when the victim's neck was pinched, unable to breathe, and his life was threatened, he realized that patience was not a long-term solution and began to try to leave. But my financial situation is not good, and the shelter can only provide temporary shelter, usually not more than a month. Fearing that the abuser might come to the door at any time, no one’s relatives or friends are willing or able to provide practical assistance. Calling the police several times and obtaining a protection order may not really solve the problem. (More than half of the calls received by the police station at night are related to domestic violence.) How easy is it to break away from the shackles?

Perpetrators do not have to be hateful and make people avoid them. He may seem polite and well-spoken. There may be a heartbreaking story behind him. For example, the perpetrator in the case had a sympathetic childhood. He was also hurt and needed treatment and help.

The perpetrator's character, values, spiritual status and behavioral patterns are the main causes of domestic violence. In addition to personal vices (such as alcoholism, drug abuse, etc.), some are due to personality defects or mental disorders. When some people encounter pressure from the environment, work, life, economy, etc., they cannot cope with it and vent their anger. In any case, domestic violence is a crime and perpetrators must be punished and stopped appropriately. The most important thing is that he needs to completely confess his sins and repent from the bottom of his heart, and he needs to receive long-term counseling and follow-up.

Children who grow up in an environment of domestic violence often suffer more profound harm and impact than children from ordinary single-parent families. In addition to witnessing violence between their parents, these children themselves are often abused and neglected. They often live in panic and fear. Not only are they worried about themselves, their little minds are also worried about their mothers who are often beaten and scolded. As they grow up, they will be anxious, easily frightened, disappointed, depressed, fearful, irritable, have nightmares, etc. These emotions may lead to behavioral problems, such as shyness, lack of self-confidence, nervousness, restlessness, or aggression... These children need professional psychological counseling so that their trauma can be healed.

▲When victims of domestic violence face crisis and have no other choice, can the church lend a helping hand?

Reflections on domestic violence

Although many countries have implemented domestic violence laws, domestic violence cases still occur in an endless stream. Today's legal, police, and social work systems do provide a considerable degree of protection measures and resources, as well as follow-up services such as consultation, counseling, and referrals. They can also assist victims to contact relevant units when necessary. But these are not enough to solve the serious problem of domestic violence.

Domestic violence not only involves legal and social "crime" issues, but also concerns the "sin" issue deep in the hearts of the world. Jesus Christ was crucified on the cross for us to solve our "sin" problem. The church is the body of Jesus, the house of God, and the brothers and sisters are all different members. "Love one another" is the Lord's command. We must care for each other, help and support each other. When there are victims of domestic violence around us, can we come forward to help and put our faith into practice? Obviously, praying for them is not enough.

Domestic violence is not a matter of divorce, but a matter of human dignity and life safety. When a victim of domestic violence is in crisis and has no other choice, can the church reach out and save her or his life? There was a case in which a husband chopped off his wife's head with a kitchen knife. She was rushed to the hospital and almost died. The scars are still there today. In this situation, can the church provide resettlement, protection, financial, and legal assistance? Has the pastor ever mentioned the issue of domestic violence from the pulpit? Are there any topics and discussions in the church that promote communication between couples and warm up their relationship? Or you can set up support groups or accountability groups to support and encourage each other. If members can help unbelievers with love, it may be a good opportunity to spread the gospel, because only Jesus can change people's hearts and solve problems.

The church is a place that shines light and spreads love. Many victims of domestic violence have gone through hardships, faced with broken families, and no idea where to go with their children, feeling the pain of being homeless. I hope they can get practical help from the church and find heavenly peace and stability through knowing Jesus Christ. (Editor's note: This article is also published in the book "Welcome the rainbow after the storm, spread your wings and fly higher".)

New book recommendations

"Welcome the Rainbow after the Storm, Spread Your Wings and Fly Higher" Single Parents' Life Stories and Care Handbook, edited by Wen Yingqian and Zhan Zhangyidian, published by the American Streamside Caring Single Parent Families Association, 2019

The original vision of "Xishuibean Caring for Single-Parent Families Association" was to provide care and guidance to the increasing number of single-parent families, and to guide single-parent families to learn to rely on God to get through difficult times and live a wonderful life.

This new book gathers the resources accumulated by Streamside Care Ministries over the years and systematically compiles it into a single parent guidance manual, which includes:

A brief history of single parent ministry, parent-child relationships, domestic violence, emotion management, forgiveness and rest, home and financial management, and remarriage, etc. Each chapter is accompanied by real stories and discussion questions, combining both principles and practice, and provides practical help for various problems that single-parent families may face in life. This manual is also suitable as a teaching material for churches or Christian counseling agencies to train coworkers who are committed to single parent ministry.

For trial reading, please visit:https://issuu.com/one-lna/docs.

The general distributor of this book in Asia: Taipei Olive Huaxuan Publishing House (cclm.tw); it is available in major Christian bookstores in Taiwan. North America: Please contact Apostle Books (afcresources.org).

Further reading:
‧"Single Parents Are Not Lonely", written by Jiang Haiqiong, jointly published by Streamside Caring for Single-Parent Families Association, International True Love Family Association, and Tianen Publishing House, 2009
‧"Embrace in Adversity - Finding God as a Single Parent in Desperate Times", written by Huang Lixun, Tian'en Publishing House, 2018
‧"He Knows My Path: A Handbook for Single-Parent Families", written by Huang Ruixi, American Christian Audiovisual Book Center, 1995
‧"Renewal Care Counseling Series: Living with an Angry Spouse", by Edward T. Welch, Milltown, NJ: Renewal Missionary Society, 2016
‧"There is Still a Blue Sky Outside the Window", written by Huang Weiren, Family Loving Culture, 2002
‧"The Road to Single Parenthood", written by Lynda Hunter, translated by Liu Shuqiong, Cosmic Light, 1999

Reference website:
‧ American Streamside Caring Single Parent Families Association:www.usbsow.org
‧ Riverside Care Association for Single-Parent Families of the Republic of China:http://bystreamsofwater.org/
‧True Love Single Parent Family Care Ministry website:www.fk-spm.org
‧International True Love Family Association:www.familykeepers.org