Restart, reset, or upgrade?

[Relationship in the screen mirror] 8

A glass of water with original sediment will float up once it is shaken; a originally clean stream will no longer have acceptable water quality when garbage and waste are added to it. There are always challenges in life, which often lead to two situations: one is to expose previously hidden problems, such as floating sediment; the other is to create new problems, such as polluted clear streams.

When faced with old and new problems, there are no more than two results: one is to try to remove the sediment and pollution and solve it; the other is to handle it improperly or not to deal with it, so that the sediment and pollution continue or even worsen. This is also true in relationships, where challenges surface or intensify existing problems, or create new ones.

Three kinds of alienation, one kind of loss

Since 2020, the new coronavirus and the political and economic storm it has caused have swept the world and have far-reaching impacts. As an individual, in this climate, coupled with the difficulties in the individual's small environment, such as the situation of family and company, etc., personality conflicts, cognitive differences, ability to cope with difficulties, and ability to manage emotions, etc. , which is undoubtedly highlighted, and the relationship problems caused are roughly as follows:

• Alienation from God. Feeling suspicious that God has not fulfilled your prayers. "How did He let so-and-so rise to power?" "How did He let so many people die?" "Why did He let good people suffer so much injustice?"

• Estrangement or deterioration of relationships with family members. The pressure of the general environment forces people to live under the same roof for a long time and spend a lot of time together every day. Differences in personality, habits, cognition, etc. have made the original conflicts in many couples and family relationships more prominent, and new conflicts have emerged one after another, with frequent quarrels and cold wars. , or even domestic violence occurs or aggravates domestic violence.

• Alienation with friends and church members, and in serious cases, antagonism and criticism. For example, people may be estranged due to different political stances; they may feel resentment due to different concepts of safety response; they may think that they are on God’s side, “If you disagree with me, you are enemies of God and are a messenger of the devil.”

• Loss of confidence and respect for oneself in relationship to oneself. Because of financial, relationship, emotional and other problems, many people secretly question themselves and are pessimistic and disappointed about life. Many people are also stuck at home, turning to the online world to relieve boredom and stress, and have become mired in it and even become addicted to pornographic videos. Although you can hide your eyes and ears from others, you still look down on yourself in your heart, or you may be numb and indulgent, losing your character.

Light, heavy, and fundamental

When it comes to relationships, problems are often entangled and complicated, especially family relationships, which seem to have so many threads that it is difficult for an upright official to resolve them. So are there any principles for cutting out the complex and keeping it simple?

The types of relationship problems discussed above vary in severity, and therefore have different principles and methods of dealing with them. This article briefly discusses a few of them to give you some ideas.

1. For lighter weight problems: restart

Anyone who uses a computer has probably encountered this situation: Sometimes the computer has some "inexplicable" problems. After repeatedly checking and researching, there is no solution, and finally shutting down and restarting, who knows the problem is solved. It can be said that the problems that appeared "inexplicably" were also solved "inexplicably".

Some problems in relationships are also so "inexplicable." "Inexplicable" refers to a situation that one falls into without knowing how to deal with it. For example: The husband and wife began to communicate and seek solutions due to conflicts in work and rest time. Unexpectedly, when dealing with conflicts, the two people started to stir up troubles, and before they knew it, they had a huge quarrel and then started a cold war. In this way, not only is the work and rest time not handled well, but new problems also arise.

When the computer has some "inexplicable" problems, shutting down and restarting can solve the problem. This is because the computer is a complex and efficient system. There is often a lot of temporary information stored in the system during operation. First, it occupies a lot of running space, causing memory congestion. Second, There may be something interfering with the system. After shutting down and restarting, the system naturally cleared up many burdens and interferences, so it started to run normally and the problem was solved - although people don't know the specific cause.

The human body is also an exquisite system of interconnected body, mind and spirit, which can automatically handle many problems. For example, many people may experience the wonders of a good night's sleep. The frustration, hopelessness, and lack of solutions that appeared for some reason the night before will be gone after a good sleep. The light of hope will shine again, and the inspiration to solve the problem will come as expected.

In fact, sleeping is similar to shutting down and restarting a computer. During sleep, cerebrospinal fluid takes away the waste proteins produced by brain activities, just like a cleaner cleaning the city overnight, giving you an organized brain so that it can operate normally again, clean and refreshing. God created man with great wisdom, which is very miraculous. The wonderful connection between man's body, mind and soul also embodies the principle that "strength lies in peace and stability" (see Isaiah 30:15).

Of course, "restarting" a relationship does not necessarily involve sleeping, but rather going back to the time before a certain problem occurred and facing the problem again. For the couple mentioned in the above example, their “restart” could look like this:

1. "Shut down":Stop the current pattern of mutual criticism and cold war.
2. Take a moment to calm down:Everyone can follow a calming method that works for them, such as taking a deep breath or going for a walk for ten minutes.
3. Go back to before the conflict and clarify the purpose of this communication:In order to deal with different work and rest times to achieve coordination in work and rest.
4. heavystartcomminicate:Keep to the purpose of this exchange, don’t settle old scores, and look forward.

Dealing with relationship issues requires a certain sensitivity to your own status. If you feel tired or upset, it may not be a good time to deal with troublesome problems. It may be a good idea to allow yourself time to rest, be quiet, or sleep until tomorrow.

"Shut down and restart" is suitable for problems that are not particularly serious. What challenges do you face in your relationship? Is there anything that can be solved by "turning off and restarting"?

2. For more serious problems: reset

In the process of dealing with computers, I have encountered a special strange problem: the mouse automatically skips lines, and when copying and pasting, the content will automatically proliferate, making the file a mess. This is obviously poisoning, but unfortunately the anti-virus software is ineffective. After dealing with it several times, the problem becomes more serious and the screen freezes. After many twists and turns, the experts who finally came to support could only set the computer to a time a few years ago and start over. This means that files that have not been backed up for several years will also be written off. The good thing is that the problem is also wiped out and the computer can start functioning again.

The same is true for some major problems in relationships. "Shut down and restart" is useless, and anti-virus is useless. You have to "set it up" again, go back to the original intention, and start over. For example, a sister experienced serious setbacks in her faith journey. The pastor who brought her to Christ showed major flaws in his character, and the group of leaders she trusted made her heartbroken and disappointed in the way she handled the situation, so much so that she questioned whether what she believed in was a glorious scam and almost left God.

And when she returned to her original intention and why she believed in Christ in the first place, the reason became clear again, her mind became clear again, and she could focus on Christ instead of the pastor or leader. Then the road of faith re-extensions in the heart and returns to the core of faith.

What this sister experienced was a reset of her "belief system" - returning to an important date, returning to the original key reason, and starting again from there.

"Resetting", returning to the original intention, is to cut out the complex and simplify it, which can help solve some more complex relationship problems. For example, a couple once argued about divorcing. When they recalled why they got together in the first place and whether the reason for being together still existed, all kinds of complicated conflicts were transcended and they saw hope. With the help of marriage counseling and life coaches, you can return to your original intention, "reset" your marriage, and re-open your marriage.

Are there any problems in your relationship that can be solved through a "reset"?

▲When dealing with relationship challenges, sometimes it is necessary to "switch off" to rest and then restart communication.

3. Start from the fundamentals: "System upgrade"

I once had a computer that had been with me for many years. Compared with the new computers in the store, it was a bit bulky and slow. It could not enable some new software or use the new features of some software. But there's nothing wrong with it and it allows me to accomplish what I need to do, so I really have to think about giving it up.

A few years ago, I finally bought a lighter laptop with more memory for traveling. After enabling it, I found that all the problems of the old computer were gone. Not only did the speed and efficiency increase, but the system had fewer loopholes and it was very easy to use. What's even more gratifying is that it is compatible with many new software or upgraded versions of old software, making it a more powerful assistant in my work and life.

The old system cannot perform new functions or be compatible with new things. If the system is updated or upgraded, the problem will be solved, and there will not even be problems that only occur in the old system. Some problems in relationships are similar to this, such as the following two categories:

1. Contradictions and conflicts caused by differences in mentality and old and new ideas.

For example, some parents adhere to the parent-child relationship model of "I tell you, you listen" and "I order you to obey." However, children born and raised in the new era may pay more attention to respect, democracy, tolerance and choice. If the parent-child model of parents is like an old computer, the child's conceptual system is like newly developed software, which is incompatible with the parents' operating system and causes many problems.

This is similar in the workplace. Many leaders of the previous generation complain that young people are difficult to discipline, which is a contradiction between the old leadership style and the mentality of young people. Parents and supervisors who stay relevant and use inspirational and coaching leadership enjoy better outcomes in their relationships.

"Consider the days of trouble." (Refer to Ecclesiastes 7:14) Any difficulty is a signal and opportunity, prompting the need for "system renewal." If you can proactively update your mental system and take the initiative in building relationships, then the problems in the "old computer" will no longer appear and will be solved naturally.

2. Unaware thinking patterns cause interpersonal distress.

For example, the common polarized thinking mode is either zero or full, black or white, good or bad. As mentioned above, brothers and sisters within the church demonize each other because of their different political views, which is based on this kind of thinking model.

Another example is thinking of trees as forests, an over-generalized thinking mode "You always..." Parents think that their children "always" play games, children think that their parents are "always" nagging; wives think that their husbands "always" do not help. , the husband thinks that the wife "always" makes a fuss out of a molehill, etc. This is often inconsistent with the facts, thus intensifying conflicts.

Other common misunderstandings that affect relationships include:

• Use guesswork as evidence:"I think she has a problem with me, so she has a problem with me."
• Treat feelings as facts:"I feel hopeless, so the problem is unsolvable." "His words upset me, so he's wrong."
• Take the negative as comprehensive:"He doesn't even take out the trash. He is a person who doesn't love his family." "I didn't do a good job...I'm really a useless person."

Relationship problems caused by these reasons can be discovered through awareness. With awareness, you can initiate changes and upgrade your way of thinking, mentality, operating mode, etc. Then the problems that occurred under the old system will also disappear. It ends as soon as it begins.

Among the problems you face, which ones remind you that you need to upgrade your system?

Li Wenping, International Coach Federation Certified Professional Coach (PCC), American Western Theological Seminary Certified Advanced Life Coach (ACTC), member of the American Association of Christian Counselors, lecturer at retreats and cultural camps, columnist for different magazines, and currently serves as FiCF text and Communications Officer. Life Coach Website: www.betterlivingcoach.com