Tiger Mom and Hao Mom

How we hope our children can become Jeremy Lin.
However, more often than not, children will be like us,
Become an ordinary person...

As a first-generation Chinese immigrant mother in the United States, in addition to personally experiencing the difficulty of raising children, I have often heard and witnessed various controversies surrounding this topic. The publication of the book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" has once again made the issue of children's education the focus of heated discussion among the American media and the public. Because of the polarizing comments from readers about this book, as well as the fact that some media quoted it out of context when introducing it, I thought this was just another extreme example of the dispute between Eastern authoritative education and Western open education. It wasn't until one day that I opened the pages of the book and discovered "another story" behind all the noisy appearances.

"Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" triggers thoughts and challenges

The book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" is not just the story of a Chinese-American mother who used Chinese-style education to challenge Western parenting concepts, nor does it represent the so-called "battle between Chinese and American education models." This book tells the story of a Chinese mother who upholds her own cultural traditions and values, and tries to figure out how to raise her children in a liberal, tolerant, and even overly laissez-faire Western culture.

The author Amy Chua is known as the "tiger mother" because she refuses to let her children watch TV, play games, spend the night at a friend's house, and refuses to accept grades below A. She burns her children's beloved stuffed animals to coerce them into working hard. A strong mother who practices piano. Because of this, she has been criticized by many people and is considered to be too utilitarian, authoritarian, impersonal and lacking in compassion.

I am not a "tiger mother" and I don't agree with some of her practices, but some of her ideas made me think. It is not without reason that Amy Chua has strict upbringing and high expectations for her daughters. She saw the hard-working and successful examples of her parents who were first-generation immigrants; she saw the crisis of "one generation being inferior to the last" among immigrant descendants of ethnic minorities under the influence of material abundance and social environment in the United States; she saw American families, The ills in culture and the education system; seeing the consequences of allowing children unregulated freedom. She saw parents who were disengaged and laissez-faire, and she also saw children who were afraid of failure and shirk responsibility. Aren’t the issues that Amy Chua is concerned about and worried about a common real crisis in American society and families?

Because she does not want her children to be affected by various negative influences, Amy Chua cultivates her daughters at all costs, imposes strict requirements on their studies and music, and even uses high-pressure methods. As she herself said: "The violin symbolizes a power of control. It prevents the degradation of one generation from being inferior to the other, solves the differences between brothers and sisters due to different rankings in the family, helps people control their own destiny, and guides children to find a way to always strive for progress. "Having said that, Amy Chua's parenting style aroused strong resistance from her second daughter, Lulu, and she realized this and eventually reflected on it. Therefore, this is not so much an "Oriental parenting manual" as it is a mother's reflection. Rather than saying that Amy Chua is sharing her "way to success," it is better to say that she is looking for a way to communicate and reconcile with her daughter. Readers who think the author is a model of success have seen that the author confessed his failure in tears at the end and agreed with his daughter to give up the violin and spend time learning to play tennis. And readers who think that the author is the "devil incarnate" have seen the self-sacrifice that Amy Chua has made for her children. She worked hard to accompany and supervise her children, even at the cost of a broken relationship, precisely because she believed that her efforts for her children were the "best" choice!

▲Yale University professor Amy Chua honestly recorded her parenting experience and turned it into a parenting war hymn.

Although this book has caused a lot of controversy, Amy Chua's story will not have much impact on how parents raise their children in real life. After all, a particular parenting style, whether do-it-yourself or left to its own devices, is not limited to the East or the West, and few people go to such extremes.

▲Amy Chua and her two daughters.

▲The book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" sparked controversy in the United States over the different views on Eastern and Western cultures and parenting. Even Time Magazine featured the theme on its cover.

Culture and environment worry parents

From the perspective of an overseas Chinese parent, Amy Chua's book actually represents some common concerns. Although children are born and raised by us, there are many external factors beyond our control that will affect their growth. As a well-educated minority, we have our own cultural background and values, but these factors inevitably create some tension with the educational and social environment in which our children live.

Because of this, we have a lot of concerns. We are afraid that we do not let go enough, so that we restrain the children; we are afraid that we do not discipline enough, so that we let the children go; we are afraid that the information we receive is not comprehensive and advanced enough, resources are insufficient, and our abilities are limited, so that we cannot help children realize their potential; we are afraid that children are left alone and cannot Integrating into the peer group; and fearing that the child's "immunity" is not enough and will be adversely affected by the outside world. No? Just look at the news, there are frequent school shootings, bullying, and drug abuse problems... A sentence written by Lu Xun in "Diary of a Madman" may sum up the mentality of most Chinese parents: "I am justified in being afraid."

So, what should we as parents do? The most important thing parents can give their children is a sense of inner security, correct values, a healthy self-image, and an attitude of working hard and not being afraid of failure. Spending time and energy on cultivating these qualities is more important than just urging children to obtain good grades and various talent training. As parents, we have limited brains, energy, talents, and resources. However, we can draw upon the infinite Source for wisdom and power. Speaking of which, I think of Jeremy Lin, a Chinese-American basketball player who has received a lot of attention in the past two years. His growth story touched me a lot.

After the popularity of "Linsanity"

Everyone is already familiar with the story of Jeremy Lin. As one of the top 100 most influential people in Time magazine in 2012, he went from being a second-line player sitting on the bench to becoming a dazzling figure on the NBA court. In 2012, he moved from New York to join the Houston Rockets. His performance in the Rockets was affected by the coach and other players. It seemed that his ambitions were unfulfilled and he spent a season without success. This legendary experience has not only attracted much attention from the public and the media, but also attracted the attention of many Christians. Due to the influence of his family and parents, Jeremy Lin maintained his Christian faith during the ups and downs of his NBA career, aiming to "glorify God and pursue eternal joy on the court", so he was able to get through the troughs in his career. , can also remain sober and humble in the midst of brilliant success.

However, what I am paying attention to is not Jeremy Lin, who is a successful model for ethnic minorities and is given an inspirational halo. What I saw was another Jeremy Lin. That was Jeremy Lin before he became famous. He was ignored, left out, and even racially discriminated against on the court. He had many troubles in his heart. That is also Jeremy Lin, an ordinary former NBA player, after the storm fades and the spotlight goes out. When the Linsanity phenomenon was at its craziest, when I frequently saw related reports on TV news, newspapers, magazines, and various Christian media, I would think: The Jeremy Lin at this moment is more pleasing to God than the Jeremy Lin before or in the future. The joy?

Jeremy Lin succeeded. Not only was he well known, he was admired and admired. This is a blessing from God, and God can use his example to influence this generation. However, does Jeremy Lin, who is unknown but still plays seriously, have less value in the eyes of God? Isn’t Jeremy Lin, who has taken off his court jersey, not God’s treasure?

▲Parents are the most loyal supporters of their children - Jeremy Lin and his parents were interviewed by Taiwan's TVBS during the summer vacation of 2013.

Parents are their children’s most loyal supporters

Rather than being a viewer, I see Jeremy Lin from the perspective of a mother. I admire Jeremy Lin and applaud his success. I also care about Jeremy Lin because he has a lifelong path of faith to walk, and this path does not end with running on the basketball court. Every mother wants her children to realize their dreams, and every Christian wants to see more Jeremy Lin appear. But what does Jeremy Lin’s mother, Ms. Wu Xinxin, want to see?

There is no permanent success in life, and the short career of an athlete is full of uncertainties. I believe that whether Jeremy Lin succeeds or fails, his mother and family who love him are his most loyal supporters. What makes a mother most gratified is not necessarily seeing her child reach the pinnacle of success.

Success has its challenges, as well as its traps and temptations. Failure also has the sobriety of failure and the blessing of failure. I guess that for Jeremy Lin’s mother, no matter what the future holds for her child, as long as he can stick to his beliefs and pursue his goals through the ups and downs of his career, and while enjoying success, he can face it with a mature and open-minded attitude. The future is uncertain, but as a person who glorifies God and benefits others, she should feel gratified from the bottom of her heart!

I once read a sentence: "Don't be jealous of success, don't pity failure, because we don't know what counts as success and what counts as failure in the balance of souls." Jeremy Lin is a success story. As parents, how much we hope our children can do the same. Become Jeremy Lin. However, more often than not, children will be like us, becoming ordinary people, doing ordinary things, and having an ordinary family. Ordinary life may not receive the spotlight, but it is also indispensable for its ups and downs and the test of success or failure.

Accompany your colleagues and go straight to the benchmark

Shi Tiesheng, a writer who has been paralyzed in his lower limbs for 40 years, once said something to the effect of: "Life is a river, career is a boat. The important thing is not the river or the boat, but drifting sincerely." This metaphor is not only about career, but also about drifting sincerely. It can also be a symbol of life and faith. Tiger mother or heroic mother, every mother hopes that her child can sail an ideal ship and reach a beautiful place.

What the tiger mother does is to point out this beautiful place to her children, escort and steer the rudder for her children, raise the sails and refuel, and rush to the other side of success with all her heart. And Hao Ma probably knows that in this journey of life, every port of call is not the final destination, but just a place for us to rest. Therefore, for Hao Mom, it is important to accompany her children through the sailing process. Whether it is calm or stormy, we cannot always control the direction of the ship, but we can help our children meet the challenges of sailing. In Hao Ma’s parenting manual, what matters is the process of pursuit, not the result of hard work. In the eternal journey, there is no end, only the goal.

Tiger mothers and Hao mothers are both influential Chinese mothers, and their methods of raising children have attracted the attention of many people and inspired people in different ways. With the same passion for their children, they are also learning the lessons of motherhood. After experiencing conflict and frustration, the tiger mother began to know how to let go, respect her children's opinions, and let her daughter make independent choices. In the face of the glory of success, Hao's mother should be ready. No matter what happened in the past or what will happen in the future, she will continue to accompany her children through this journey that is inevitably challenging but also full of grace. And what about me? I just want to be a good mother to my children. Perhaps, with God’s grace and in every ordinary life, before cultivating my child to become the kind of person I want him to be, I can first try hard to become the kind of person my child wants to be. I can't plan a life blueprint for my child, let alone control the direction of my child's life. Even so, I am willing to be a port, allowing children to dock and rest when they need it, and provide them with supplies. And when they are ready to sail, I will watch them on their way and wish them a safe journey.

Author profile:
Yama, reader, writer, doctor, mother. Born in Beijing, now lives in Texas, USA. Enjoy family life, occasional outings, and long hibernations.
I like inexpensive food, unhurried itineraries, simple happiness, appropriate friendships, and are willing to search for treasures in recycled pottery, both physical and memory/imaginary.
He behaves calmly in real life, and his heart is filled with words, music, pictures, and images.
Sometimes complex, sometimes simple. Life is not perfect, grace is always with you. Because you are walking together, you will not be lonely.