Caring for Family Bonds: The Key to Resolving Conflict
—Learning from Abraham and the Early Apostles of the Jerusalem Church to Build Peace and Unity
introduction：Heart-Centered Wisdom
Whenever I seek to mediate or resolve a conflict, the first verse that comes to mind is Proverbs 4:23.
"You have to guard your heart above all else, because it is from the heart that the results of your life come."
In the Bible, the “heart” encompasses one’s emotions, thoughts, and will. Resolving conflict is not merely about reasoning or arguing over right and wrong; more importantly, it involves addressing and transforming emotions, thoughts, and wills that are not aligned with God's heart—this includes our beliefs, attitudes, and motives. When we place the preservation of family bonds as a top priority, we strive not to harm our loved ones or members of the church family. Instead, we seek fair solutions—sometimes even those that are personally disadvantageous yet aligned with truth. When our hearts are filled with love, compassion, and humility, we are better equipped to resolve conflict and rebuild relationships.
In this article, I hope to offer a spiritual perspective on resolving intergenerational conflict in today’s overseas Chinese churches by drawing from the interaction between Abraham and Lot, as well as the passage on the early church apostles selecting new leadership. Mediating intergenerational relationships within the church must also begin from the heart—examining how our emotions, will, and thoughts shape our actions. These inner dynamics ultimately determine whether a conflict can be resolved.
I. Considering Family Ties: The Dispute Between Abram and Lot (Genesis 13:7–13)
Lot was Abraham’s nephew; his father had died back in their homeland, Ur of the Chaldeans. Later, Lot followed his grandfather and his uncle Abraham as they left Ur and journeyed toward Canaan. The two generations experienced the hardships of leaving their home, traveling long distances, and enduring many difficulties together—their relationship was as close as that of a father and son.
After arriving in the land of Canaan, both Abraham and Lot had acquired great herds, and conflicts arose between their herdsmen over grazing land (Genesis 13:2–7). As the elder, Abraham had every right to assert his authority, rebuke Lot, or even command him to leave. But he chose not to do so. Instead, he approached the potential conflict with a spirit of humility and peace.
He said to Lot:
"Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives. Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left." (Genesis 13:8–9)
Abraham exemplified several spiritual principles through this dialogue.
1. Valuing family ties
Abraham emphasized, “Let’s not have any quarreling… for we are close relatives.” The original Hebrew word translated as “relatives” is actually “brothers,” indicating a deep familial bond. Abraham was unwilling to let position or personal gain destroy the close “family” relationship he shared with Lot.
Application:In Chinese churches around the world, many believers come from the same family or extended family, with relationships such as parent-child, grandparent-grandchild, or other close kinship ties. Additionally, since most church members share the same ethnic background, they often enjoy close-knit relationships—truly making them “flesh and blood” to one another.
More importantly, all believers are one family in Christ—we are members of God’s household (see Ephesians 2:19). This spiritual kinship runs even deeper than blood ties. Therefore, when facing conflicts within families or churches, we should follow Abraham’s example—pursuing unity and peace. We must not allow differences in opinion or personal interests to lead us to attack or hurt one another, causing division within the home or the body of Christ.
2. Taking the Initiative to Yield: Laying Down Rank and Rights
With a generous heart, Abraham took the initiative and said to Lot, “If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left” (Genesis 13:9). As the elder, Abraham could have pulled rank—rebuking Lot and his servants or even commanding them to leave. But instead, he chose to yield. His humility stopped the conflict and preserved their relationship.
Abraham gave up his rightful privilege as the elder to choose first. He willingly let go of the best portion, not fixated on immediate gain, but generously shared the land that God had promised him. He did this because he did not see Lot as a rival, but as his nephew—his own family. They were not enemies, and there was no need for strife or competition. To Abraham, family affection mattered more than rank, power, or personal benefit.
Application:Traditional Chinese culture places strong emphasis on hierarchy between the old and the young. Patriarchal authority is often elevated—fathers are not to be disobeyed—and this can lead to emotional distance or misunderstandings between parents and children. At the same time, traditional values also teach mutual respect, such as a father’s compassion and a child’s filial piety. However, many Chinese believers who grew up overseas were not shaped by these cultural norms. Accustomed to values of freedom, equality, and personal autonomy, they may resist the authoritarian “parent-as-ruler” style of leadership and family management.
In addition to learning from Abraham’s humility and his willingness to surrender his rights as a gesture of love toward the younger generation, elders in the family and leaders in the church can also follow the example of Jesus’ servant leadership (see Matthew 20:25–28; Philippians 2:7). By serving others with love, humility, and self-sacrifice, they can earn trust—not through position or commands, but through Christlike character. I believe that over time, the younger generation will come to recognize the sincerity behind such actions and understand that the elders are not trying to dominate them. When conflicts arise, mutual understanding will make resolution much easier.
3. Trusting in God's Faithfulness: Treating Lot with Patience and Love
Abraham was able to yield not only because he valued his family ties, but also because he trusted that God would never let those who rely on Him suffer loss. He firmly believed that the faithful God would grant him the inheritance He had promised. With spiritual eyes, Abraham looked beyond the immediate and desired a better, heavenly homeland (Hebrews 11:16).
However, Lot, driven by greed and selfishness, and showing little regard for family ties, chose for himself the best land—the well-watered plain of the Jordan. He gradually pitched his tents closer and closer to Sodom, a city infamous for its great wickedness before the Lord (Genesis 13:12–13). In doing so, Lot not only left the land of promise, but also distanced himself from the presence of the Lord. When the king of Sodom was defeated in battle, Lot and all his possessions were captured by the enemy. Yet Abraham, still mindful of their family bond, responded with grace rather than resentment. He gathered the trained men of his household, pursued the enemy, and rescued Lot—along with his possessions, women, and the rest of the people (Genesis 14:1–16).
Because the sin of Sodom was exceedingly great, the Lord decided to destroy the city. Abraham, remembering that Lot and his family lived there, pleaded with the Lord not to destroy Sodom. But the city did not even have ten righteous people, so the Lord rained down fire and destroyed it—along with all of Lot’s possessions. As they fled, Lot’s wife looked back, still longing for the wealth left behind in Sodom. She disobeyed the angel’s command not to look back and was turned into a pillar of salt. After the destruction, Lot’s two daughters, believing they were the last survivors, deceived their father and committed incest with him. Each gave birth to a child by her own father. Lot, whose eyes had once been set on what appeared to be the best land, ultimately lost everything—his land, wealth, family, and reputation. Everything he had hoped to gain was gone (Genesis 19).
Let us now look at what happened to Abraham, who had treated others with generosity. After Lot parted from him, the Lord appeared to Abraham and reaffirmed His promise—granting him and his descendants the entire land of Canaan as their inheritance.
Abraham and Lot came from the same family, yet Abraham chose to honor their kinship and trust in God's faithfulness, justice, and love. Because he believed that God was sovereign, he was able to yield, entrust the outcome to the Lord, and experience peace. As a result, the conflict was resolved, and their relationship was preserved.
Application:Abraham and Lot separated over the issue of land, which, given the circumstances, was the most practical way to resolve their conflict at that time. However, this does not mean that churches today should divide whenever disagreements arise. Instead, we are called to honor the “flesh and blood” bond between generations and care for one another accordingly. A willingness to yield can often lead to greater unity. As Romans 12:21 reminds us, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Those who are willing to yield are those who deeply trust in God’s justice, faithfulness, love, and sovereign power. They show patience and kindness toward others, do not hold grudges, are able to forgive, and overcome evil with good. Not every conflict has to end in separation. When we are willing to let go of control and take a step back—to give others room to grow—our relationships within the family or the church can actually become stronger. In such spaces, God can work to restore what is broken and display the love and peace of Christ. As Paul exhorts us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).
Conclusion: Starting from the Heart, Living the Way of Peace
Resolving conflict is not merely about solving a problem—it is about restoring relationships. Let us start from the heart and follow Abraham’s example of humility, kindness, and selflessness—not insisting on our own rights, nor holding others’ faults against them. With a commitment to overcome evil with good, may we bear witness to peace, unity, and love—both in our churches and in our families.
II. Considering Family Ties: How the Church Resolves Conflict in Acts 6:1–8
In Acts chapter 6, we witness a significant moment in church history. Though the passage is brief, it contains profound spiritual principles that teach us how to address internal tensions and conflicts within the church. The early church in Jerusalem was made up of Jews who spoke Greek and those who spoke Hebrew or Aramaic. Though they were “flesh and blood,” cultural and linguistic differences led to misunderstandings and dissatisfaction. This situation closely mirrors what we see in many Chinese churches around the world today. First-generation immigrants often speak Chinese and uphold traditional cultural values, while second- and third-generation Chinese believers are fluent in the language of the mainstream society and have largely adopted its culture. Although all are part of the same spiritual family in Christ, gaps in language and culture can still create barriers among them.
1. The Root of Conflict: Differences in Culture and Language
The Bible records: “In those days when the number of disciples was increasing, the Hellenistic Jews among them complained against the Hebraic Jews because their widows were being overlooked in the daily distribution of food” (Acts 6:1). At first glance, this may seem like a minor issue—merely about food distribution. But in reality, it revealed deeper tensions within the early church. The Greek-speaking believers were mostly Jews who had returned to Jerusalem from various parts of the Roman Empire and used the Septuagint (Greek translation of the Scriptures). In contrast, the Hebrew- or Aramaic-speaking Jews were locals who used the Hebrew Scriptures. Though they all believed in the same Lord, differences in language, culture, and daily customs inevitably led to misunderstandings and a sense of division.
Application:One key difference between today’s Chinese churches and the church in Jerusalem is that Chinese-speaking believers are not living in their place of birth, while many Chinese descendants (ABC, CBC, etc.) were born and raised overseas. As a result, the latter are much more shaped by the surrounding culture. Though both groups share blood ties, cultural and linguistic gaps—as well as differences in population size—can sometimes lead to imbalances in attention or care within the church. This, in turn, may give rise to friction and misunderstanding.
I encourage immigrants not only to preserve those elements of Chinese culture that align with biblical values, but also to actively learn and adapt to the aspects of the host culture that are consistent with Scripture—especially by improving their proficiency in the local language. Doing so is not just for the sake of younger Chinese generations in the church, but also for building stronger communication and relationships with one’s own children and grandchildren. Moreover, since we live in our adopted country and must stand firm in our workplaces, it is essential to know how to interact with supervisors and colleagues in this foreign environment. After all, no matter where we live, we cannot isolate ourselves from the world or from our families.
2. Leaders Face Issues Directly—Without Delay or Evasion
In the Book of Acts, when complaints arose, the apostles did not dismiss the issue or spiritualize it as a way to avoid responsibility. They understood that, as church leaders, it was essential to ensure that no member felt overlooked. They also saw the gravity of the matter—administrative negligence could lead to division within the community and even damage the church’s witness in Jerusalem. The best way to prevent a problem from escalating is not to ignore it or deny its existence, but to respond decisively and without delay, actively seeking a constructive solution.
ApplicationChinese church leaders today should follow the example of the apostles by actively seeking solutions when problems arise. If leaders avoid issues simply because they don’t know how to handle them, or dismiss concerns from younger Chinese leaders as overreactions, adopting an attitude of avoidance or indifference, then conflicts will remain unresolved. Even if things appear calm for a time, the underlying tensions—if left unaddressed—will only grow. Eventually, they may erupt into something far more damaging and difficult to contain.
3. The Apostles Discerned the Right Priorities and Resolved Conflict with Openness and Shared Leadership
The apostles quickly gathered all the disciples together and acknowledged, “It is not right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables. “So, brothers and sisters, choose seven men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility over to them and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word.” (Acts 6:3–4) The apostles not only discerned the proper priorities, but they also did not suppress concerns with authority. Instead, they adopted an open approach by inviting the community to participate in selecting new leaders. Their actions reflected a leadership style marked by humility, inclusion, and spiritual discernment.
ApplicationMany second- and third-generation Chinese believers tend to value openness, shared leadership, and participatory decision-making—principles they are familiar with in school and the workplace. Participation fosters a sense of belonging and communicates that their voices matter. If overseas Chinese church leaders continue to rely on top-down, authoritarian approaches to solving problems, it may alienate the younger generation and contribute to their departure from the church—or even lead to division within the congregation.
4. The Apostles Practiced Open, Participatory Leadership and Provided Clear Guidance to the Church
The apostles proposed a solution: “Choose seven men from among you who are known to be of good reputation, full of the Holy Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility over to them.” The phrase “good reputation” literally means those who are well spoken of—people recognized and affirmed by others. Although these seven were tasked with overseeing food distribution, they were not merely administrative workers. Each of them demonstrated spiritual maturity: they had a strong testimony in daily life, were filled with the Holy Spirit, and possessed the discernment to know what was pleasing to God and what was not.
The seven co-workers who were ultimately chosen not only possessed spiritual qualities—Stephen and Philip later became outstanding preachers (see Acts 7–8)—but their Greek names suggest that they likely spoke Greek and came from a Hellenistic cultural background. This enabled them to serve the Greek-speaking widows without barriers of language or culture. Being led by those who shared their language and background made it easier for the people to accept them, allowing for more effective ministry to those who had been overlooked. As a result, trust and connection were restored among the Jerusalem congregation, which included both Greek-speaking and Hebrew-speaking believers.
Application: The church should not measure a person's suitability for leadership based on age, reputation, or wealth. Instead, a leader must meet the spiritual qualifications outlined by the apostles—having a good reputation in daily life, being filled with the Holy Spirit, and possessing discernment.
The early church in Jerusalem was able to accommodate and care for two groups of Jewish believers from different cultural and linguistic backgrounds—this serves as a powerful reminder and encouragement to Chinese churches around the world today. Are we also considering the diversity of our congregations when appointing leaders? Are Chinese believers given a voice and space in church leadership, so they know they are not only accepted but also trusted? Has the church hired Chinese pastoral staff to shepherd them? If Chinese believers form a distinct group within the church, they need representatives who can speak the local language fluently and understand their context and needs in order to serve them effectively.
5. Respecting the Diverse Value of Ministry: All Is Done for the Lord
“Serving food” may appear trivial, yet it is just as important as “preaching the Word of God.” In the original Greek, the same word diakonia is used for both forms of service. This highlights that different roles and expressions of ministry are equally vital and honorable in the Lord. Though the gifts may differ, all are given by the Holy Spirit according to His will (1 Corinthians 12:8–11; Romans 12:6–7; Ephesians 4:7, 11).); The purpose is “to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ” (Ephesians 4:12).
: The church must not exalt the ministry of pastoral staff while overlooking the service of lay believers. Instead, it should treat all who serve—regardless of gender, generation, language, or ministry role—with equal respect. Every act of faithful service is worthy of recognition and affirmation. Likewise, the church’s compensation structures and organizational policies should reflect this respect and uphold principles of fairness and equity.
6. Apostolic Authorization and the Commissioning of New Leaders
The apostles not only allowed the believers to elect the seven new leaders, but also publicly laid hands on them in prayer. This act symbolized both authorization and commissioning, making it clear to the whole congregation that these individuals were chosen by God and affirmed by the church. Such a ceremony fostered trust within the church toward its leaders and empowered the newly appointed servants to take up their responsibilities with strength and confidence.
Application:This serves as a reminder to today’s Chinese churches that once new Chinese leaders are chosen, they must be promptly recognized, authorized, and commissioned by the church. If second-generation Chinese believers are genuinely accepted and commissioned by the church, they will be more willing to stay and take on the church’s long-term mission.
7. Crisis Becomes Opportunity: God Enables the Church to Continue Growing
The passage concludes with a result that greatly excited the believers: “So the word of God spread. The number of disciples in Jerusalem increased rapidly, and a large number of priests became obedient to the faith” (Acts 6:7). A conflict that could have led to division was, through the wisdom of the leaders, the participation of the congregation, and the grace of God, ultimately transformed into an opportunity for church growth.
Application： Christians are sinners saved by grace. Disagreements, differences, and conflicts among church members are inevitable. However, we are called to sin less and to learn from the leaders of the early Jerusalem church, who cared deeply for their own people. By applying the principles mentioned above in handling conflicts, crises can be transformed into opportunities for growth, leading to a more thriving church.
Conclusion: Walking the Path of Caring for Our Own People
People often assume that directly addressing problems, making timely decisions, practicing transparency and democratic processes (such as elections and participatory rights), selecting qualified leaders, and supporting marginalized groups are policies developed and adopted by Western societies in the twentieth century. Yet Acts chapter 6 shows us that the apostles had already embraced these principles more than two thousand years ago—because they cared for their own people. These two groups of Jews, though different in culture and language, shared the same ancestry and were brothers and sisters in God’s family. Their differences should not have become a source of division in the church. Today, leaders and believers in Chinese churches around the world are challenged to follow the example of the early church in caring for their own. Can we seek unity amid diversity, practice love in the face of conflict, and raise up a new generation of leaders through challenges? May God help us to learn acceptance and mutual service through every friction, so that the church may truly become a united family that glorifies the Lord—and in doing so, experience genuine growth and unity.
III. The summaries of the two verses:
When we observe Abraham’s actions for Lot in Genesis chapters 13, 14, 18, and 19 alongside the apostles’ decisions in Acts chapter 6, we can see a unifying theme running through both passages: out of deep concern for their own kin, they each made choices marked by wisdom and faith. As a result, potential conflict was transformed into unity and blessing.
“Caring for one’s own kin” is not merely an emotional expression—it is a spiritual quality that leaders themselves must first possess and actively cultivate in their families and congregations. Abraham preserved family bonds and his testimony through humility, faith, and forbearance. The apostles promoted justice and unity through wisdom and structural measures.
When God’s servants choose to respond to tension with love and trust, and to resolve conflict with truth and humility, God’s blessing and testimony will follow. This is also the key for today’s Chinese churches to live in unity within a multicultural context.
Summary/Introduction
Mrs. Chiao-Yee Chow-Kwok is a graduate of Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. She has served as a Sunday school teacher, speaker, and Christian writer. Before retirement, she worked as a school counselor and supervisor in the U.S. public school system. She is now dedicated to creating teaching resources tailored to Chinese churches and families, focusing on Christian education, intergenerational relationships, and contemporary challenges. She hosts a personal website and YouTube channel where she shares original video and audio content—all are warmly invited to visit and share.
Personal Website: https://franceschow.com/
YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@franceschow1962