"To love her is to treasure her"
Let’s talk about domestic violence, dating violence, and sexual assault again
Domestic violence, child abuse, dating violence and sexual assault have always been taboos, both at home and abroad. Victims are rarely willing to speak out, and most people usually don't like to hear these tragic stories. Many people don't even believe that these things are true. Exist in your own community. However, data shows that the New York City Police Department receives more than 270,000 domestic violence cases every year, an average of more than 740 cases every day. Every year, 70 to 80 people die due to domestic violence in New York City. On average, more than five children die from abuse every day, and 80% children younger than four years old die from abuse. 44%’s sexual assault victim was a child under the age of eighteen, and 80% was under the age of thirty.
Domestic violence is not a personal matter
"I hate divorce and anyone who treats their wives with violence," declares the LORD God. "Therefore keep your hearts and do not do deceit, says the LORD Almighty." (Mal. Lachi 2:16)
Domestic violence is not just about fights between couples, it refers to all kinds of violence that occur between family members and intimate partners. In addition to the more common violence between couples and male and female friends, adult abuse of children, adolescents and adult children abusing older parents, and violent conflicts between relatives and siblings all fall within the scope of domestic violence.
Common myths:
1. Chinese families rarely have violence problems.
2. Domestic violence occurs in families with low education levels and poor socioeconomic status.
3. When a woman is abused, it must be her fault that makes her husband angry.
4. Drug abuse, alcoholism, and too much stress in life are the main reasons for violence.
5. Abused people don’t leave home because they enjoy being abused.
6. Children who do not witness parental conflict are not affected by it.
the fact is:Domestic violence exists in all groups regardless of ethnicity, age, education, socioeconomic status and religious beliefs. The New York City Police Department handles at least 5,000 domestic violence incidents every year in which the victims are Chinese. There are many reasons why abused people don't leave home, and it's not that they like being abused. If a person who is addicted to drugs, alcohol, or is under stress beats his wife and children but does not hit his boss or outsiders, it means that this violent action is a conscious choice. No matter how stressful life is, new immigrants should not hit others.
Domestic violence is not a personal matter, it is a crime! Domestic violence can lead to serious physical and mental injuries, and even death, and will also affect the physical and mental health of the next generation and the safety of the community.
▲Domestic violence is not a personal matter, it is a crime!
Violent abuse involves power and control and may take the following forms:
1. Physical violent abuse: whipping, hitting, beating, kicking, beating, pinching, biting, burning, bumping, pushing, grabbing, throwing, pulling, pulling and other actions, or any attack using instruments, knives and guns.
2. Psychological violence and abuse: including verbal violence and non-verbal violence. Verbal violence includes intimidation, threats, belittling, insulting, yelling, etc., such as threatening to withdraw immigration applications, swearing and swearing, etc. Non-verbal violence includes eavesdropping, stalking, monitoring, contempt, destroying furniture, threatening suicide or self-harm, false accusations and attempts to control, destroying the other person's beloved things, abusing the other person's pets, interfering with eating and sleeping, restricting movement, etc.
3. Sexual violence and abuse: including attacking the victim’s chest or private parts, sexual contact regardless of the other person’s wishes, forcing the other person to perform sexual acts, forcing the other person to watch pornographic videos or pictures, etc. As long as the autonomy of the parties involved is not respected, rape may occur between couples.
4. Financial Control Abuse: No access to family assets such as bank accounts, credit cards, or cars. Use money to control the other person's freedom, make unreasonable threats of huge amounts, prevent work or study, etc.
Without appropriate outside intervention, the likelihood of an abuser improving is slim. Perpetrators usually have no "sense of illness", do not feel that they are at fault, and rationalize their violent behavior.
Common reasons why battered women don’t leave their abuser include:
‧Afraid that if you take action, you will be beaten worse.
‧ The perpetrator threatens to kill/harm her, her children, or other family members if she leaves the home.
‧ Isolated (no one understands or believes).
‧ Believe that children need both parents and do not want to become a single-parent family.
‧ Due to religious reasons, I hope to keep my oath.
‧Afraid that they will not be able to survive independently and take care of their children.
‧ I believe the situation will gradually improve in the future.
‧ Feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and embarrassed, and unwilling to let others know.
‧ Worry about being deported.
Many victims have lived in a state of being intimidated, controlled, and mentally abused for a long time, and have been severely physically and mentally tortured. Most people usually have the mentality of not caring about other people's housework. Even if they know that their relatives and friends are suffering from domestic violence, they will pretend not to know or advise the victim to be patient. Especially for new immigrants, living in the United States is stressful, they are not fluent in English, they do not understand the law, and they lack a support system. They are afraid to call the police and do not know about free legal aid and social welfare resources. This has led to many victims being isolated and helpless for a long time. Living in fear and depression. In fact, the United States has very complete legal protection and social services for victims of domestic violence. When reporting domestic violence, neither the police nor the court will ask about identity issues. If you are not proficient in English, you have the right to request an interpreter.
▲When young men and women fall in love for the first time, most of them don’t know what a healthy relationship is.
Hitting is not love, scolding is not love - stay away from scary lovers
In New York City, 20% high school girls said they had been abused by dating partners, and more than one-fifth of college girls said they had suffered physical violence, sexual violence, or verbal or online threats. More than two-thirds of teenagers are afraid or unwilling to tell their parents or teachers what happened.
A healthy relationship between the sexes should be cultivated from an early age. Many beautiful and dignified women with outstanding academic performance and outstanding work performance should be very confident in the eyes of outsiders, but unexpectedly, their love lives are full of crises. They have been subjected to long-term verbal belittling, mental torture, and even punching and kicking by their partners, and they dare not resist. Dating violence can take the form of verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Online abuse and dissemination of indecent photos have made gender-based violence even more widespread.
When teenagers fall in love for the first time, most of them don't know what a healthy relationship is. And those who unfortunately fall into abusive relationships rarely know how to end the abuse, sever the violent relationship, or where to seek help. Once dating violence occurs, it often occurs one after another and becomes more severe, with dire consequences - it not only destroys a person's self-image, self-esteem and self-confidence, but is also likely to lead to self-harming behaviors, such as anorexia, drug abuse, sexual indulgence, and even suicide.
How to prevent dating violence? Here are some suggestions:
1. Know the plan for today’s date in advance (what to do? Where to go?) and let your parents or friends know it.
2. When you first get acquainted, it is best to hang out with other friends at the same time.
3. Do not let alcohol affect your judgment or ability to respond to emergencies.
4. If you must ride with someone you don't know well, let the third party know.
5. During the relationship, respect yourself and love yourself, and have the courage to say "no".
6. Find a trustworthy adult, such as parents, teachers, and friends, to talk to about your experiences, doubts, fears, etc.
7. Dating violence is not your fault. You cannot make an abuser change by changing yourself. Unless you seek professional help, the abuser's behavior will often get worse and worse.
In this age of gender confusion, violence, and dysfunctional families, there are four questions for those seeking love to be honest with themselves about:
1. Are we really suitable for each other? Do I love him? Or do you just sympathize with him? Get used to him?
2. Is there jealousy, suspicion, blame, or cheating? The more you fall in love, the more torture you get?
3. Does one party often force or even threaten the other party?
4. Is the relationship filled with frustrations, fears, or obstacles?
▲There are three elements of healthy love: love must be passionate; love must be intimate and give each other space; committed love is based on responsibility and faithfulness.
There are three elements of healthy love: passion, intimacy and commitment.
1. Love should be passionate: but you should also respect each other, be able to brake, don't "fast food", and don't "gobble it up".
2. Be intimate, but also give each other space: intimacy is not about control, charity, or sympathy, but about sharing joy and sorrow, self-love, loving others, self-respect, and respecting others.
3. Committed love is based on responsibility and faithfulness: sharing joys and sorrows, sharing blessings, and sharing difficulties. Love is not just a blank check, it is about "walking the talk." There are three no policies when facing a breakup: don't worry about others knowing, don't take revenge, and don't hurt yourself. Relieve your emotions and pressure first, and then make sense. If you really can't bear the pain, you must bravely seek business counseling to rebuild your self-confidence.
▲Committed love is based on responsibility and faithfulness: sharing joys and sorrows, sharing blessings, and sharing difficulties.
Sexual assault is an unforgettable trauma
In the United States, on average, someone is sexually assaulted every two minutes. Compared with domestic violence, victims of sexual assault are more afraid to ask for help; not only do the parties involved not want people to know, but many times the family members of the victim also think that they will gradually forget about it as time goes by, and do not want the victim to receive counseling or legal services. .
Sexual assault refers to using violence, weapons, coercion, intimidation or pressure to force an unwilling person, a person without the ability to self-determination, a young child or a person under the influence of drugs or alcohol to have sexual intercourse or perform sexual acts. Attack system. Sexual assault is a criminal offense, and the perpetrator may be a stranger, but according to statistics, more than 70% of the perpetrators are acquaintances, including dates, neighbors, relatives, friends, and family members. According to statistics from the U.S. Department of Justice, a quarter of rapes occur in public places or parking lots, 70% of rapes occur between 6 p.m. and 6 a.m., and nearly half of rapes are preceded by the use of alcohol. Or drugs, 30% of the perpetrators threatened with weapons. In the United States, the sexual assault victims of 91% are female and the victims of 9% are male; among the perpetrators, the perpetrator of 99% is male.
If the perpetrator is a family member or relative, he or she will often use threatening words to prevent the victim from seeking help. Even if he or she seeks help, other family members will probably advise the victim not to call the police, let alone seek counseling, because they want to avoid exposing the family scandal. The unit asks for help. As a result, victims are often "constantly victimized" and receive no support.
▲Among the figures walking around, there may be a victim who is experiencing violence. Have you seen it?
(Image source: https://womany.net/read/article/10799?ref=s_a_relarticles)
A familiar perpetrator may also be a supervisor. It is a crime for a boss to use his power to force his subordinates to provide sexual services to satisfy their selfish desires. It is easy to be confused whether it is rape or not, whether it is a couple or a boyfriend and girlfriend. However, even if two people are intimate partners, they must respect each other. If either party is unwilling to have sexual relations, they cannot be forced.
If you are sexually assaulted, no matter whether you decide to call the police or not, you must first seek medical treatment. Do not take a shower, change clothes, clean the crime scene, move the sexual attacker's belongings, or comb the hair before seeking medical treatment. These will make the evidence disappear.
If someone around you has been subjected to domestic violence or sexual assault, how should you care for them so as not to cause secondary harm?
1. Don’t judge the victim.
2. Be patient with the victim.
3. Encourage and support victims to escape the control of the perpetrator.
4. Watch out for suicidal tendencies.
God created male and female in His image, and hopes that we, both men and women, can share the beauty of His creation as human beings. These victims have experienced inhumane treatment and have been severely damaged physically, mentally and mentally. The recovery process is a long one. When victims are lonely and difficult to cope with, in addition to seeking personal comfort from the mighty God, they also need the continuous care and help of sisters and brothers in the Lord so that their whole beings can be healed and reconstructed as soon as possible.
Among the figures walking around, there may be a victim who is experiencing violence. Have you seen it? You may not see it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist; if you see it, you shouldn’t turn a blind eye. The church and society should show love and actively participate in prevention, protection, and healing services, just like the prayer of St. Francis: "May God give us the courage to change what we can change."
Author profile Liu Yuanfen, Director General of Garden of Hope-NY, New York. She has a master's degree in social work from New York University and is a licensed social worker in New York State. She has worked in many non-profit organizations and has been engaged in services for new Chinese immigrants, sexual assault, domestic violence, and human trafficking victims for more than ten years. In 1992, he believed in the Lord and was baptized while studying at Tunghai University in Taiwan. He currently attends meetings at the Boen Hall of the Chinese Mission Association in New York. Married for sixteen years and have one son.