Start with truth and love

"Discussing the Handling of Church Conflicts from Matthew Chapter 18" Highlights of the Pastoral Seminar (Part 2)

Information and pictures provided/Love, Conflict and Harmony Ministry

Organized/Lin Minwen

Lawyer Liu Zhepei: Matters needing attention and common mistakes made during mediation

Foreword:

Church conflicts vary in size, from one person (unilaterally) offending another person, to two people offending each other, to bringing one or two people together to mediate, to the whole church involving many people and turning into a group conflict. Conflicts vary in number of people, level, nature, and intensity, and naturally the complexity and challenges of handling them vary. Large and serious church conflicts require the formal intervention of a professional team, which is regarded as conflict intervention (Church Conflict Intervention). It must have a structural layout. The time arrangement, process and approach are very different from dealing with "small conflicts".

God is the omniscient, omnipresent, and almighty Lord. The Bible is the truth. The love of Christ is long, wide, high, and deep. The Holy Spirit moves and leads people’s hearts to surpass the spirit of flesh and blood. Regardless of the scale, the basic principles of spiritual mediation are the same. This time, I will only talk about general mediation precautions and common mistakes.

Before talking about mediation, there are a few terms that need to be clarified:

Conflict counseling or coaching (Coach) - Conflict counseling is to counsel the parties involved in the conflict, using counseling and negotiation skills to work with the Holy Spirit to help them respond according to biblical truth.

Conflict Mediation - Mediation is when both parties are present and accept the mediation of a third party. The outcome of mediation is determined by the consent of both parties. The mediator does not make judgments about right and wrong, but uses counseling to help the parties see their shortcomings and be willing to reconcile with the other party. For example, in the book of Philemon, Paul coordinates the reconciliation between the escaped Onesimus and his master Philemon, but it is still up to Philemon to decide whether to accept Onesimus.

Conflict arbitration - a third party determines right and wrong and the outcome (similar to a judge). In the Bible, King Solomon arbitrated the ownership of the babies of two women, which falls into this category.

Ombudsman - more commonly used in the legal community, is a formal investigation conducted by a company or institution into a subordinate's complaint (claiming to have been violated or legal rights and interests damaged), and then recommends solutions.

A few things to remember about mediation (aka common mistakes to avoid)

The choice of mediator varies from case to case. A pastor or spiritual elder is usually the most suitable mediator who can gain the trust and respect of the parties involved. However, some clients are very concerned that if the pastor knows about it, it will affect the pastor's view of him or the relationship between the two.

1. The mediator’s mentality is to play only a coaching/mentoring role.Try to encourage the parties to respond on their own. If the parties are encouraged and coached to respond one-on-one, the mediator does not need to jump in. If the parties can be encouraged to talk privately, the third party mediating will not need to intervene. If the parties are unable to negotiate on their own, mediation will only proceed if both parties are willing to accept it. The mediator needs to be someone accepted, trusted and agreed upon by both parties.

2. Before mediation, the mediator should ask the following three important questions.First of all, can the parties talk to each other themselves? If not, why? Are you unwilling, unable, or don’t know how to talk? Both parties have a spiritual responsibility to reconcile. Secondly, is the current state of mind of the person involved correct? If your mentality is not right, you need to prepare for conflict counseling first. Third, is the other party also willing to accept mediation? Who is going to ask the other party? Is there a more suitable mediator than me?

3. Understand the nature of mediation and the preparation required.Mediation is continuous one-to-one counseling. All the principles and techniques of one-to-one counseling are equally applicable and are the basis of everything. Mediation is a holy place, a place where "people and people, people and God" meet heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand; heart-to-heart is talking heart to heart - meeting souls; holding hands is doing things - working side by side to face and solve problems .

4. What is the purpose of the parties accepting mediation?And observe whether the parties involved have the correct attitude in responding to the conflict? If not, individual counseling is required first. The mediator has to do a lot of comforting and encouraging work, preparing the Word of God, and working with the Holy Spirit. Mediators have to do a lot of empathy, communication, and emotional management, and they have to listen and ask good questions (it’s important to know how to answer questions, but it’s even more important to know how to ask them). The Bible rarely uses the method of "face-to-face accusation" of the other party's transgressions. Even when David committed such serious crimes of adultery and murder, the prophet Nathan used metaphors that David could accept to indirectly point out his sins. However, the Bible frequently calls us to use various ways to express love to others - admitting each other's mistakes, interceding for each other, guiding and encouraging, exhorting and restoring.

5. The mediator needs to be neutral and not take sides.You should always pay attention to adjustments in your mentality, and try your best to avoid having opinions, prejudices, or differences about the case at hand.

6. Goals and game rules must be established at the beginning of mediation.Many mediations have failed, which has discouraged the parties involved in the conflict, not because the mediation itself is ineffective, but because many game rules have not been established and followed, turning it into a free-for-all.

7. Mediation should be conducted in a spiritual atmosphere, not in debate.The ultimate goal of mediation is to win and restore brothers, offending boys, and lost sheep, to help them restore their relationship with God, to express the love of Christ rather than to condemn this person.

8. The boundaries of truth and spiritual atmosphere must be in place.When mediating, try to use an "I statement" ("I" sentence pattern) instead of venting emotions or using offensive words. The listener should not interrupt, etc. Write it down at the beginning as a reminder. The boundaries of truth and the spiritual atmosphere must be in place. The entire journey is not only an intellectual journey of the mind, but also a journey of the soul.

9. Mediation is mediation, not to be confused with arbitration.Some people were very hurt after the mediation, because they thought the person who came was here to mediate and help, but unexpectedly it turned into a top-down investigation or arbitration, and some formal or informal comments, rulings or judgments emerged after the meeting. Sometimes, the parties involved are unwilling to give in and scold the participants with a sniper, causing damage to both parties.

10. Mediation is not arbitration. The parties decide whether to settle or not in the end.The outcome of the arbitration shall be determined by the arbitrator if both parties agree in advance.

Mediation must be kept confidential and information will not be leaked without consent. Confidentiality is the most important principle in the mediation process, which allows the parties to express their inner feelings and thoughts in a safe environment, and communicate with each other spiritually in the experience of grace and in a spiritual atmosphere. Mediation is not like a court where the two sides are in opposition, attacking and defending each other, fearing that every word they say will become evidence of future attacks.

Mediation content shall not be disseminated externally. If there are members or related personnel who have the right to "know" or "intervene", they need to discuss it in advance to determine the scope. If the church decision-makers appoint a mediator to mediate and need to report back, the channel, scope, and level of the report must be agreed upon in advance to avoid being too frightened after hearing and seeing the report.

11. The mediator must know that "justice" and "grace" are two sides of the same coin, and that there must be a balance between dealing with sin and granting grace.But remember that giving grace comes before confronting someone. It is the work of the Holy Spirit to make a person "condemn himself for sin, righteousness, and judgment." God has time for a person to confess his sins and repent. Mediation is not to judge or condemn people, but to bring people to Jesus and encourage them to come to God’s throne of grace without fear. Mediators should "exhort with gentleness those who resist, so that God may give them repentance and a knowledge of the truth." (2 Timothy 2:25) It is hoped that "turning a sinner from his error is salvation." One soul does not die and covers a multitude of sins” (James 5:20).

(The author, lawyer Liu Zhepei, is the president of Love and Conflict Reconciliation Ministry)

Pastor Su Wenlong: Reconciliation of Pastoral Authority and Church Conflict

The relationship between pastors and deacons is both subtle and complex, a skill and an art. Conflict is human nature, and it is very common for churches and evangelical institutions to have conflicts.

Knowing how to mediate conflict will allow pastors and church leaders to grow, mature their spiritual leadership, and establish pastoral authority. On the contrary, adopting an attitude of condemning or avoiding conflicts will damage the church, create disunity, and cause the church to become ineffective due to internal strife. This is a gift from Satan to the church. It is not afraid of you meeting every day, but it is afraid that you will work together to advance the gospel.

There are more and more books on "authority and conflict" recently, but conflicts between pastors and elders or co-workers are still common, resulting in pastors being injured, congregants leaving silently, or church divisions. What is the key to the relationship between pastors and elders?

pastoral authority

On the invisible spiritual level, authority comes from God. The apostle Paul defined the source of his authority as “that which is given by God.” His authority comes from his status as "an apostle of Christ," which gives him the authority to exercise influence when necessary (see 1 Thessalonians 2:7).

On a visible and practical level, authority comes from believers.

Denominational churches come from conferences and general conferences, while local churches are empowered by the general assembly. Paradoxically, pastors and congregations view authority differently. If the pastor only values the spiritual aspect, he will consider himself to be in control of the church; if the congregation only values the practical aspect, they will consider themselves superior to the pastor.

Therefore, pastors are not only responsible to God, but also to the congregation; the congregation must not only obey God, but also be willing to cooperate with the pastor who leads them.

As for the use of authority, pastors should know that their authority comes from God’s call. If the pastor does not teach and preach God’s words effectively, he will lose the authority given by God. He cannot rely on personal ability or strategy to establish authority, nor should he focus on how much authority he has obtained. He should focus on his own service responsibilities. If shepherding is good, authority will follow; if shepherding is poor, authority will be lost one by one.

As for believer leaders, they are elected by believers and exercise authority through the board of governors, councils, or co-workers, but do not possess authority themselves. Cooperate with pastors in accordance with church laws and regulations. To guard against abuse of authority, there are tenure and rotation systems, methods for evaluating preachers and elders, and the establishment of personnel committees or disciplinary panels, all with the goal of building a unified team.

Therefore, if pastors and believer leaders respect each other instead of checking and balancing each other, conflicts will naturally be reduced. From the experience of pastoring churches for many years in the past, it is easy to solve problems when the pastor has the spiritual trust of the believer leaders. When elders have different opinions on a plan or strategy, they always ask, "Pastor, what do you think?" When I bring it up, they often say, "Let's do it!"

Why didn’t the pastor put forward his opinion immediately so that both parties would not have to spend time discussing it if they disagreed? The answer is simple: I want to know more about both sides’ views. On the other hand, I have time to pray and ask God to give me wisdom and judgment.

Some churches have asked me to help them revise their bylaws to avoid recurrence of conflicts. I would first talk to the elders to understand the crux of the problem, and I would also talk to the pastor individually to know his perspective. Then a compromise plan is proposed, and both parties discuss it together. The result often ends with everyone being happy.

Reconciliation of Church Conflicts

The scope of church ministry is broad and complex, and therefore requires effective church management, one of which is to mediate church conflicts.

Effective church administration is about leadership. If the above-mentioned pastoral authority is used properly, conflicts will be reduced to a minimum and even lead to positive harmony and development.

When disagreements lead to open conflict, here are five steps to mediating the conflict:

1. Have a sound mind

Pastors and church leaders should face conflicts seriously, knowing that God has entrusted us with the ministry of “peacemaking.” St. Francis's poem "Make Me a Son of Peace" is not only sung and read, but it is also the direction we strive to achieve. In situations of conflict within the church, it is important to assume the sincerity of the other party.

On the premise of fulfilling the church’s Great Commission, be sure that conflicts can be resolved. Pastors usually provide teachings in this area through messages and executive training, so that when the church faces conflicts, everyone can first have a sound attitude of fearing God.

2. Identify and clarify conflicts

Conflict can occur over differences in events, perceptions, practices, and methods. Therefore, do not be vague and encourage the parties to state their views. In this way, conflicts can be clarified, limited to a certain scope, and constructive solutions can be proposed to the problem.

Many times, however, the root cause of conflict lies in spiritual life. Unwilling to deny oneself and be self-centered. If we recognize that loving one another is the greatest commandment, submitting to one another as the greatest prerequisite, and holding the principle of peace in our spirit, we can “strive to maintain the unity of the Spirit.” (Refer to Ephesians 4:3)

▲The shepherd is called by God to shepherd the sheep, and if he does his best in serving the sheep, his authority and trust will increase accordingly. (Image source: http://kurtbubna.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Pastors-PT2-Shepherd.jpg)

3. Promote effective communication

Effective communication includes listening skills, speaking skills, appropriate responses, and united prayer. When I was the senior pastor in the past, the senior executive meeting started with worship and praise, followed by group prayers for each other, a period of reading and sharing, and then discussion of the issues. Although it takes thirty minutes at the beginning, it saves a lot of time later and can often be effectively concluded within two hours.

4. Encourage each other to forgive

“Seeing the speck in your brother’s eye, but not realizing the log in your own eye” (see Matthew 7:3), this is a common mistake made by pastors and leaders. What must be asked for forgiveness from the other party is often not because of the conflict itself, but for the speculation, excitement, attack, and self-defense displayed when insisting on one's own will.

It is easy to be impulsive by our own flesh and blood, so we must always deal with the old self and rely on the power of the Holy Spirit. Remember, "If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14) )

5. Commitment to the overall goals of the church

If the overall purpose of the church is identified, opposing parties can notice that their opponents share their commitment to the church and its sound development. These people who have different opinions can come together and work together because of the general principles they agree on. Both parties are doing things for God, not for themselves. We must have faith in God and people, so that we can see through the unpleasant current situation and see a bright future.

Christ is the head and the members are one

The above five steps can be used flexibly depending on the church background, the nature and situation of the conflict. It is not just a step-by-step implementation when conflicts arise, but continuous application of these concepts and techniques in the church will surely reduce conflicts and increase harmony.

To handle conflicts within the church, pastors must have spiritual authority, which is the influence that convinces church leaders and believers. If a person does not first submit to God's authority, he will not have spiritual authority. Exalting people in the church creates divisions, and accommodating people allows sin to erode. This is all the result of being human-centered, and the end result is chaos and conflict in the church, just like the church in Corinth at that time (refer to The Church of Corinth, Chapters 3-6).

Only when the children of God stand in the position of the Body and let Christ be the head can the church demonstrate the testimony of the unity of the body. Love and unity are the supreme guiding principles of pastoral authority and conflict mediation.

(The author, Pastor Su Wenlong, is Professor of Practical Theology at Resources)

bibliography
1. "Handling and Reconstruction of Church Conflicts", written by You Hongxiang and Qiu Qingping, 2002, United States; CITIC.
2. Leading Your Church through Conflict and Reconciliation, by Marshall Shelley, 2003, Taipei; Olive Culture.
3. "Church Administration", written by Su Wenlong, revised edition 2005, Taipei; Huashen.
4. "Leaders on Leadership, edited by George Barna", 2008, Hong Kong; Tiandao.
5. "Love and Struggle - Reflections on Church Conflict", written by Xu Zhichao and Xiao Shouhua, 2012, Hong Kong; Gospel Witness.
6. "From Conflict to Reconciliation - The Application of the Synthesis of God and Man", written by Li Yanguang, 2015 Pastoral Doctoral Thesis.
7. "Church Unity", written by Tang Youzhi, 2008, Hong Kong; Baptist Press.
8. "When Conflict Meets Reconciliation", written by Deng Ruiqiang and Zhao Chongming, 2012, Hong Kong; Kidao Publishing House.
9. "Interpersonal Conflict and Spiritual Formation", written by Chen Xiaoci, 1999, Hong Kong; Kidao Publishing House. 10. "Let's make peace!" ─The Peacemaker-The Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, by Kenneth Sande, 2006, United States; Messenger.