imaginary last day

【Looking back suddenly】1

At night, my husband and I collapsed on the double bed strewn with large and small pillows, Lego blocks, and Bible story books. Tired, but reluctant to sleep.

"If today was the last day of your life, what would you do?" My husband asked with his eyes closed.

"I think I will still live a normal life. Eat breakfast, take Noah to the Children's Museum, go to the park to play with Max, and meet you for lunch. In the evening, I will cook and you will ride his horse while talking to me. We read Bible stories to Noah, pray, and coax him to sleep. Then, we sit on the sofa; you watch TV and I read novels. When we are hungry, we share a banana split, you eat ice cream, and I eat bananas. Go into the room quietly and lie down next to Noah. How about you?"

"If I had asked you the same question more than three years ago, what would you have said?" he asked again.

I was quiet for a while: "I don't know, maybe I will say, 'I'm going to die, but I don't know what to do...'"

"I thought you were going to say you wanted a divorce." He opened his eyes and said slowly.

Married and living alone

His words reminded me of what happened more than three years ago. At that time, I said goodbye to my husband of four years, gave up half of my green card application, and quit my job. Ignoring everyone's dissuasion, I went to a peasant primary school that had no hot water and no electricity to train local English teachers on a voluntary basis. I have been thinking about volunteering for a long time, but I left so suddenly because I was... tired and... lonely.

It is said that if you are married and share your burdens with each other, you should not feel lonely, but how could this be the case? One is a craftsman who loves to do things, and the other is a philosopher who loves to think about things. In theory, they should be complementary and compatible, but in fact they are not. After I got married, I left the Mandarin church I belonged to and moved to an English church to be with my husband. I lost my favorite choir service, cut off my friendship with my family, and stopped my community volunteer activities. I thought "the two must become one", married him, started everything over, and moved forward and backward together.

Who knows, the new world is not happy at all. He doesn't like to mingle among strangers and share words he only wants to say to his wife. He will leave as soon as the church service is over. As for me, lacking patience and wisdom, I became discouraged and kept silent when I saw that he was not enthusiastic. I gradually withered and became lukewarm.

I used to be lively, but now I often stare out the window in a daze, both at work and after I get home. Seeing me like this, he didn't know how to enter my closed world. As a result, each of them carried a different yoke and led an increasingly deserted field. He was anxious about the lack of success, and I was complaining about the lack of direction. The two of us were dragging our feet more and more heavily. Sometimes I lower my head and look back. Our shadows can’t even touch each other. We are so lonely and tired as we step one foot at a time.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was in Beijing. I still waited until I was more than three months pregnant, then climbed the Great Wall and swam the West Lake, then reluctantly returned to the United States to wait for the birth.

Whenever I recall the night I gave birth, I always feel the painful pain that is like fighting with myself. I am the only one in the whole world and in the entire delivery room, trying hard to overcome the pain caused by uterine contractions so that the baby can be separated from me, breathe and grow on his own. I couldn't hear or see my husband holding my right hand, I just kept inhaling, exhaling, and exerting force.

Finally, I finally won the fight and received a five-pound, thirteen-ounce medal of honor (the highest honor awarded to military personnel in the United States). Although this medal is small and wrinkled, it is my greatest pride. Noah is smarter than his father and cleverer than his mother. Although he has a bad temper like me and a strong personality, he has the kind heart of his husband. He often makes me angry, but he slowly comes over to me, hugs me, kisses me, and says he is sorry. I never imagined that I ignored him when I was pregnant with him, but became worried about him after giving birth to him. And the lives of my husband and I suddenly became fulfilling and meaningful.

Little life brings blessings

First of all, my husband suddenly became attentive, paying attention to my every frown and smile, and asking for my welfare. Automatically wash dishes, do laundry, and mop the floor after get off work. In church, I also ask people like women how old their children are and whether they slept through the night.

When Noah got older, he began to exchange ideas on how to teach his children to use the toilet and choose a kindergarten. Also actively participate in family gatherings. Recently, I even started planning to travel as a family to do volunteer work when the children are older. This used to be my dream. I thought he no longer cared about it, but he still cared about it.

And it was only after I had a child that I understood what selfless love is, and began to reflect on myself: In the past, I did not humbly learn the role of a wife. I only saw my husband’s shortcomings and my own grievances, and walked away; in the past, I was just like a wife. The footless bird flutters its wings and is about to fly, but now it keeps to itself, folds its wings and is willing to keep its feet on the ground. In the past, time was used at will, and I just wanted to be free, but I didn't enjoy it at all. Although I rarely have myself now, I cherish the peaceful gathering of the family in the world of three people. Days of keeping.

Touching my growing belly, I realized that my second baby’s “belly volume” was much larger! I hugged him who was sleeping beside me, reached out and patted little Noah, and quietly said to God: "Lord, thank you for giving me a wonderful day! I said "I love you" several times today and did what I should do. If Now that you really want to take me away, I am calm and content, with no regrets.”

I closed my eyes and fell asleep sweetly.