Be proactive first, then passively establish a distanced and intimate space with adult children

【Mobility in Heaven - Testimony】

When children leave the nest to work hard for their future, their parents go to visit them and bring them the feeling of home.

Drive the car to the location designated by the car rental company, park it, handle every step of returning the car skillfully, and walk with your luggage to the shuttle bus to the airport. This is my Nth time this year to rent a car, return a car, and go to and from the airport. Some people think I travel a lot for business, while others envy me for traveling around. In fact, what they said is correct, but not everything is correct.

Run your home with a professional spirit

Ever since the children went to college, they started to "travel" from time to time! For me, a so-called "work-from-home" mom, being a wife and mother is the most important role. I face the call God has given me with a serious attitude and run my home with the spirit of a "worker/steward."

The second and third children were studying in the middle of the United States. My husband and I drove for more than ten hours to help them move into their dormitories.

When the children have activities at school and they hope I can attend, I will "travel", show up at the occasions they think are "right" when they think it is "good", and then happily pay for it. For example, you can take your children to a restaurant to have a big meal with your friends, go to the supermarket to do some shopping, or act as a free Uber driver, etc. This may sound like a losing proposition, but in the long run, it's an investment in the important cause of building a parent-child relationship.

Love without burden is an art

Many parents with adult children at home often say, "When the children go out, they are less likely to come back!" I also often hear, "After the children leave home, they rarely come home to see us. They are busy with their own things. ." These words are quite true. In American society and culture, the age of 18 is a dividing line. Many of my sons’ classmates have to plan for their future after graduating from high school, including raising tuition fees. Most Asian parents believe that it is a natural responsibility to raise their children until they graduate from college. Different cultural concerns bring out different family bonds.

Children go to college and enter another stage of life. In four years, they learn to be independent, learn self-discipline, and learn to build relationships with others. After graduation, parents hope that they can apply what they have learned, become truly independent, and pursue their dreams. These are all good. And as parents, don’t we sometimes lament in our hearts that our children are gradually moving away from us when they are running towards their dreams?

After our children leave home to study or work, they rarely come home. Instead of worrying about them from a distance and wondering when they will come home, why don't we, who are still mature, visit them if conditions permit? While you are still able to run and your pocket is not too shy, go and see the older children who are running forward, understand their living environment, and cheer them up with "unburdened" visits and appropriate care. Not burdening our children with our love and care is an art that requires wisdom.

A friend asked: "Why do you need to book a hotel or rent a car when you go to visit your son or daughter? Can't you live with them? Why don't they come to pick you up?" If such a visit is to have a "return rate", parents must first deal with themselves independently. Otherwise, every visit will disrupt their working hours and lifestyle, and the children will gradually feel "burdened"!

The three adult children in the family who are away from home usually maintain the habit of talking on the phone. Thanks to social platforms, we have also formed a family group to send photos or share updates at any time to keep communication channels smooth. This has been a habit that started after they went to college and continues to this day. In this way, even if we cannot gather under the same roof, parents and children can appear in each other's daily lives. As parents, we can see our children's colorful activities, and our children can also see our fulfilling lives.

When our children were in college, the visit schedule was based on their schedule. The couple stayed in a hotel near the school, and also wandered around in search of delicious food and beautiful scenery.

Experience freedom and convenience with respect

After graduation, the eldest son went to work in San Francisco on the West Coast of the United States. When we visited him, he asked us to save money and live in his small apartment. We were elated, feeling that the day of "rumination" had come, and excitedly carried our luggage into his den. There are no partitions in the "small room". We sleep on the bed and he sleeps on the sofa. The soundproofing of the small room is poor, and you can hear clearly when doing things in the toilet. We got up early because of the time difference and saw that our son was still sleeping, so we didn’t dare to use the toilet for fear of disturbing him.

After three days, my husband and I had panda eyes and we didn’t dare to tell our son that we couldn’t sleep well. After all, he bought a new quilt for our arrival, negotiated with the apartment manager about our parking fee, and had to pay to register a set of keys to facilitate our entry and exit.

A friend who came to me asked his eldest son how long he could let his mother stay. He said, "One week." My friend asked in shock, "Why can't we stay for a month? It's your mother!" The son thought about it and said, "You and I will take turns staying at my house." You can stay at home for a month.”

The friend was speechless. Her son is a little younger than mine. She initially said that her son could live with her no matter how old he is. Now he is experiencing the beauty and sorrow of the parent-child relationship as his son grows up and needs his own space.

From that experience, I realized the freedom and convenience brought by appropriate distance and space. Children who are studying or working have their own living habits and schedules. Parents should respect their living space and schedule. Maybe their living environment is not as clean and comfortable as those "have mothers tidied up". It is better to ask before making a habit of tidying up, so as not to turn loving visits into free and the mother will be suspected of crossing the line. Meeting for a chance meeting

Gathering together rather than "missing each other", entering their lives does not mean intervening in their lives. "Being open-minded" requires practice. Children's attitude toward things is different from ours. Praying for them every day is much easier and more effective than nagging.

Of course, as a mother, I have also developed my ability to be independent. Not every time I visit my children, I can accompany them as a couple. I am able and willing to travel long distances alone. I don’t mind staying in a hotel by myself, and I can also enjoy the peace and joy of dining alone. There is no company to reimburse for this kind of business trip. On weekdays, I check the discount prices of air tickets and hotels, use credit card miles, and learn to budget carefully.

▲ Watching the pace of children's growth, working hard is not a hard thing, it is a right investment.

Love can enjoy their space with their children. As the proverb goes: "Home is where parents are." Adult children leave the nest and fly away, but don't have time to go home? No matter active or passive, we will bring the feeling of home to them!

Yanon, a full-time housewife and literary worker, sometimes writing, sometimes cooking, sometimes managing trivial matters; she strives to live the life of a virtuous woman.