Establish boundaries between hardness and softness
【Case 1】
Eleven o'clock, late at night. Zheng Wen dragged his tired body home. The children had already gone to bed, and his wife huddled on the sofa and fell asleep from exhaustion.
There was cold food on the table, and then he remembered that he had promised his wife to go home for dinner. Unexpectedly, just as he was about to finish get off work, his boss walked into his office to discuss the project he had sent in early in the morning. After the discussion, the boss asked him to make corrections and give them to the customers tomorrow. By doing this, the whole night, all the promises made to the family were ruined.
This is not the first time. In the past few years, he has only had dinner at home a handful of times, and his wife's complaints have turned into silent complaints. It’s not like he didn’t know that the boss just wanted him to be responsible, and he worked so hard to complete several important tasks.
The boss was very kind to him. He increased his salary several times and promoted him to the position of supervisor, which was considered a recognition of his work performance. But the boss just likes to assign some more tasks when he is about to get off work, making it impossible for him to leave on time. I wanted to tell my boss several times that I couldn't stay, but when the words came to my lips, I swallowed them back. Looking at my colleagues around me, no one seems to be getting off work. People who get off work on time look like outliers who don't work seriously.
【Case 2】
After walking out of the conference room, Zhengxiong was still blushing and feeling uncomfortable because of the argument he had just had with Peter, the business manager. Business departments only need sales performance, which is often unrealistic.
It’s not that Peter didn’t know how many machines the production department in charge of Zhengxiong could produce in a day, but he often assured customers casually. After the order was signed, he would leave the problem to Zhengxiong’s department. If the goods could not be shipped on time, it was because the production department was not working well. .
At this supervisor meeting, Zhengxiong pointed out the problem and hoped that the business department could measure the reasonable workload of the production department when receiving orders and then give customers a delivery date. Peter's air of disapproval and indifference made him very angry.
Colleagues in the production department have tried their best, but unless the company purchases additional machines and hires more employees, it will not be able to solve the immediate problem. Zhengxiong glanced at his boss, hoping that he would do justice. The boss stood aside and let the meeting become explosive. Zhengxiong was so angry that he really wanted to quit his job.
ignore boundaries
Conflicts in workplace relationships often arise from conflicts between the roles played by people and the positions and interests they represent behind them. The text of Case 1 plays the role of the company's supervisor and the boss's subordinate during working hours. However, after get off work, his role will change to that of his wife's husband and the father of his children.
During working hours, Zhengwen's role is consistent with the boss's expectations, and he goes all out for the work assigned by the boss, and the two parties cooperate seamlessly. When it's time to get off work, Zhengwen needs to go home and play the role of husband and father, but his boss still treats him as an employee and requires him to complete his work. The conflict between the two roles has caused tension and discord between Zhengwen and his boss.
In Case 2, Zhengxiong and Peter did not get along well because there was a conflict of interest between the production department represented by Zhengxiong and Peter's business department. With limited resources, in order to achieve their highest interests and goals, competition or strife has become the way or means that both parties must adopt.
Whether it is a conflict in roles, or a conflict in resources and interests, we have seen that there is an invisible line in the middle that is ignored, causing tension and contradiction in the relationship.
Boundaries, whether the boundaries between countries, the property rights of land, or the boundaries between fast and slow lanes on the highway as shown on the right, allow us to clearly understand the responsibilities and protections that come with the ownership of rights on both sides of the boundary. However, the invisible boundaries in interpersonal relationships have always been confused in our hearts, causing a lot of trouble and tension. This situation is not uncommon in Chinese culture.
Have it? you asked. If the distinction between people is really so clear, how realistic and utilitarian will interpersonal relationships become?
personality structure
In Western culture where individualism is at the forefront, there are clear barriers between people, which indeed leads to alienated relationships and a utilitarian orientation. In Eastern culture, the roles of individuals are blurred due to groupism that emphasizes "sacrifice of the individual self to fulfill the greater self."
When our psychological territory is trampled upon by others, we usually have no choice but to be angry but not speak out. I don't dare to express different opinions from others (especially my boss) in the company, for fear of hurting the harmony. As a boss or superior, it is difficult to accept conflicting views from employees or subordinates. We cannot understand that they are different independent individuals. We must learn to accept the differences between him and me, and we must learn how to seek common ground in differences.
How to draw the line between Western individualism and Eastern groupism in order to be consistent with biblical truth? How should we draw boundaries in the workplace instead of being incommunicado? The famous Christian psychologist Dr. Henry Claud gives us some reminders and help in his book "The One-Life Solution".
Dr. Crowder's definition of inner boundaries is: "Providing a structure for our personality so that everything can go smoothly." 1 In other words, when we have a clear boundary structure in our hearts, we know better how to face it. Work, interact with people, and live an organized, respectful, and responsible life.
When Zhengwen couldn't get off work on time because his boss gave him work before get off work, we thought the problem was with his boss. Although the boss doesn't know how to respect his employees' living space after get off work, from another perspective, isn't it because Zhengwen is unable to set clear boundaries for himself, so that the boss can cross the boundary at any time and control when he gets off work?
If you were the main text, you would definitely say: "How could I want to do this? I also want to go home early, but I just can't talk to my boss!"
The problem lies here, why can’t the main text speak to the boss? Is he afraid that his boss will think that he is lazy and not working hard, thereby losing the opportunity for a salary increase or promotion in the future? Or don’t know how to express his wishes and position to his boss while respecting him? I believe this is a challenge shared by everyone who has unclear boundaries.
image sketch
A person with good boundaries knows how to describe the outline of his or her image, including thoughts, feelings, preferences, choices, behaviors, talents, etc. In other words, when he knows who he is, he is more able to express himself clearly and does not need to define himself from others.
If he does not have a clear idea of his own image, he will easily care about what others think of him and try to describe himself through the eyes of others. In order to make others have a good impression of him, he had to get involved with the other person and give up his own thoughts and feelings. The boundaries between him and the other person became blurred and became entangled and chaotic.
Before you learn to draw boundaries, you must first know and understand yourself. If we do not see ourselves from God’s perspective and understand that we are created in God’s image, our understanding of ourselves may be biased due to childhood encounters or life experiences. Only when I truly realize that every characteristic God has given me has His good intention, and that no matter the advantages or disadvantages, has the uniqueness given by God, can I fully accept myself and admit that these are all part of me.
When we know ourselves, we will know more clearly what I feel, what I want, and how I want to choose. The next step is to express what you think and feel. If I can express myself clearly, my outline in other people's minds will slowly emerge.
By taking the initiative to express myself, I can help others understand more clearly who I am as a person and what my thoughts, feelings, abilities, and choices are. More specifically, it’s helping those around me understand what my boundaries are and how to interact with me so they don’t inadvertently cross them.
Chinese self-expression in interpersonal relationships is usually reserved and passive, and they understand each other through observation and interaction. This kind of foggy understanding can easily lead to misunderstandings, feelings of "no acquaintance without fighting", and also leads to a huge price paid for more relationships like "a mess of sand".
The establishment of this "personality structure" is particularly important in a workplace that emphasizes ability and efficiency. Zhengwen may be afraid of offending his boss and dare not express himself, but from another perspective, if Zhengwen proactively and appropriately tells his boss about his responsibilities after get off work, and discusses in detail how to effectively plan work content so that he can complete it during working hours . The boss will see Zhengwen's ability to handle conflicts between work and relationships, and will use him more in business in the future.
respect boundaries
A person with good boundaries also knows how to respect the boundaries of others. He can accept that others have different opinions, different feelings, and even different decisions from his own. Of course, he knows that individuals are responsible for their own decisions and therefore will not cross the line to take responsibility for others.
When there is a conflict between Zhengxiong and Peter's departments, Peter needs to respect the professional opinions and production capabilities of Zhengxiong's production department. If Peter ignores the limited capabilities of the production department for the sake of his own performance interests, he will be held responsible for the possible consequences of this decision - customer orders cannot be shipped on time, causing company losses.
At this point, the ball should be passed to the boss to resolve the conflict between the two departments. The boss can coordinate, or help the production department increase productivity to meet customer needs; or ask Peter to negotiate with customers to ship orders in batches; or find creative solutions between the two to achieve a win-win situation. If the boss fails to catch the ball and allows the conflict between the two departments to continue, the boss will also be responsible for the consequences of his unwiseness for the losses caused to the company.
Although ability and performance are often the priority in resolving conflicts in the workplace, relationships are not the most important consideration. The company cannot let an incompetent person with a good relationship with the manager bring down the entire team, but it also cannot ignore relationships just for performance.
Companies have to pay an invisible price and cost for bad workplace interpersonal relationships and unresolved conflicts. Specifically, the waste of time due to conflicts, wrong decisions, employee turnover, unnecessary reorganization and transfer, the impact of employee mood on work attitudes, damage to employee health, etc. are all losses that are difficult to calculate.
According to research reports, employees spend approximately 42% of their time dealing with conflicts, and the higher the management level, the more time they spend. Just imagine, if we can have a clear personality structure at work, respect the boundaries between ourselves and others, face up to the differences in boundaries and seek solutions, how much smoother will it be at work, and how much benefit will it bring to the company.
expression of love
For God’s children, in addition to truly reflecting God’s image and truth at work, what is more important is whether the way they express themselves and communicate with others is full of God’s love and grace. Drawing boundaries is important, but how you draw them is even more important.
When our hearts are full of love, our words will reveal love, tenderness, kindness and respect. Learning to express concern for others at work, paying attention to their reactions, and respecting their thoughts and feelings will help us express our thoughts, feelings, and boundaries in an appropriate way when facing conflicts, making it easier for the other party to accept us.
"Be firm in dealing with things and gentle in dealing with others." This is the principle that should be followed in the workplace to promote better interpersonal relationships and work performance.
【Note】
1. "The One-Life Solution" by Dr. Henry Claud, Campus, 2011, page 24.
Author profile
Wang Lanxin holds a master's degree in "Conflict Management" and is one of the lecturers of the "Peace Messenger Workshop" of KRC Cultural Practice Camp. She often leads couples camps and conflict management seminars with her husband, lawyer Liu Zhepei.