“Borrowing the View” from Heavenly Father’s Love

(Photo source: http://www.flickr.com, photo by Dietmut Teijgeman-Hansen)

Growing up with an absent father

Malaysian-Chinese writer Tan Tuan Eng mentioned in his English novel "The Garden of Evening Mist" which won the Mann Asian Literature Award, that there is a very important concept in Japanese garden art: "borrowed scenery". Whether it’s nearby trees or distant mountains, carefully arranged potted plants or rocks, or even the occasional clouds projecting in the center of the lake, or the steaming mist when the sun first appears... they can all be incorporated and integrated to become part of the garden.

He explained human memory through this concept: "We borrow not only from our own memories, but also from the memories of those around us. It is not only memories that create the context of our lives, but also what we see, hear and Everything we experience, including everyone we meet, talk to, and talk to us... We borrow from the past and the present. We borrow from the future... We borrow these things and put them into our lives. Life, and they form a changing landscape for us to travel through, day after day, year after year.”

If memory is a garden, then the landscapes of our childhood must have been "borrowed" from our family members. Whether it is parents, grandparents, or even brothers and sisters, through their words and deeds that they pour into our lives, they build the prototype of the garden bit by bit.

Once upon a time, in my husband’s memory garden, my father could not be the object of his borrowed scenes. His father was away from his family for eleven years and was unable to build a childhood scene with his children. Instead, in order to make a living, when Mr. Yu was seven or eight years old, he traveled across the ocean and came to the United States alone to make a living. During my husband's growth from childhood to adolescence, his father was absent.

"Dad will go to the United States first. After settling in, he will come to pick you up and go with him." This was the promise my father-in-law made to his family before he left home. The child was young, naive and ignorant. He did not feel too sad or reluctant about the separation of his father and son. On the contrary, because it was not easy for Chinese people to go abroad at that time, he felt that "Dad is so awesome that he can go to work in the United States!" He felt very proud!

The embarrassment and challenges faced by my father after he left home

As time slowly passed, my husband gradually realized that his father's departure from home for the United States not only brought everyone the expectation of realizing the American dream, but also brought ruthless challenges in real life.

It turns out that my father-in-law "jumped off the ship" to the United States at that time. He was originally working as a crew member, but he "jumped off the ship" on the Causeway in California and never returned. After the news came back, his friend who was his guarantor came to his door angrily, questioned his mother-in-law, and demanded compensation. The child felt puzzled and frightened when he saw his mother groveling and trying to apologize.

Because my father-in-law jumped ship to the United States and was an undocumented illegal immigrant, he encountered many obstacles in his work. For a long time, I couldn't send money home on time. There are no gift packages that I expected to be sent back during the New Year and holidays, but I often have to pack them and move because I can't pay the rent. The scene of my mother searching everywhere for the red house rental papers posted on the telephone poles and carefully reading the recruitment advertisements in the newspapers was deeply imprinted in my husband's mind.

Due to status issues, my father-in-law cannot return to Taiwan. There was a time when my husband always felt embarrassed when writing topics like "My Father" in composition classes at school - his father was not around, and his life story was really lackluster. The image of my father became increasingly blurred, and even the memory of his voice was slowly diluted and faded because long-distance phone calls were quite expensive at the time, and calls lasted only a few minutes at a time.

In the garden of my childhood, my father was like a cloud that occasionally appeared. When the wind blew, it dispersed, leaving him inaccessible and out of reach. When will the clouds gather into rain and bring dew?

We meet again after a long separation, the love has become unfamiliar

Eleven years have passed, and my father-in-law finally obtained legal residence status in the United States and has a stable job. I can finally fulfill my promise and pick up my wife and children to reunite with them in the United States!

After the father and son were reunited, the father-in-law, who had some gray hair, couldn't wait to take his son, who was as tall as him, everywhere to "see things". While visiting Disneyland, I was even more excited than my son. I kept gesticulating and pointing out to my son: "Wow! Mickey Mouse!" "Look! It's Donald Duck!" "Would you like to ride the roller coaster?" "Shall we buy marshmallows?"

My husband at the time was not used to my father's naive and childish behavior. It’s not that I don’t miss my father, or that I don’t want to get close to him. It’s just that the eleven-year separation has really not been able to warm up the relationship between father and son in a short period of time. My husband is no longer the little boy who looked up to his father when they were separated. It’s very disappointing. His father was used to treating him as a primary school student and talking to him in a coaxing tone. His father's enthusiastic behavior after a long separation made the husband, who had long been accustomed to not having his father around, unable to adapt and subconsciously wanted to keep a distance from his father.

My husband thought that the eleven years of separation would be like a torn wound. Even though the wound gradually healed, the scar still remained. The intimacy and attachment between father and son will be just a childhood memory that can never be retrieved.

Sweet memories reappear in my heart

Until he believed in Jesus and his life was renewed, my husband’s childhood memory garden seemed to have undergone some renovations, and the abandoned garden scenery was once again filled with new vitality. Especially after he became a father, through his close interaction with his children, the blank memories that he thought could no longer be filled seemed to be slowly colored bit by bit by God's grace, and the colorful pictures emerged again.

▲The unforgettable tucking ritual before going to bed.

Memories One: The quilting ritual before going to bed

After we had children, we read bedtime stories to our sons every night. After smearing their feet with lotion and gently massaging them, my husband would bless and pray for the children. Finally, he would cover them with quilts one by one and leave the naked children on the bed. The corners of the edges were tucked in, making them look like two silkworm babies safely hidden in their cocoons. The eldest son, who loves Vietnamese spring rolls, calls himself "a shrimp wrapped in a spring roll wrapper." The younger son calls himself a Mexican burrito. "Daddy, hurry up and make burritos!" the sons would say. Every night, they look forward to their father tucking them in and wrapping them tightly, like a densely packed dough with rich fillings.

The husband later revealed that this was a bedtime ritual his father did for him every night when he was a child. When my father-in-law was still in Taiwan, every night after going to bed, he would go to the room to tuck his son in, tucking all the corners of the quilt inward, like folding an envelope, so that he could be wrapped up safely and comfortably. Inside. It was a very warm memory, the husband said. Lying on the bed, he looked up at his father. His figure was so majestic and tall. When he was carefully and tenderly wrapped in the quilt by his tall father, he felt as if all the coldness was there. , darkness, and uneasiness are all isolated, and you can close your eyes and sleep peacefully. No wonder my husband has a habit when sleeping: he likes to wrap himself up in a quilt like a silkworm baby. When we were newlyweds, we often had a "battle for the quilt" because of this! Later, I thought of a compromise. I bought an extra-large quilt in winter and a cool quilt for each person in summer, which solved the embarrassing situation of "the double quilt is too small to cover two people"...

The beautiful memories about my father slowly gathered together bit by bit. Because he was a father himself, he "borrowed scenes" from the image of "Heavenly Father" and began to relive the good times in the past.

(I wonder if when my sons grow up and become fathers, they will pass on the warm memory of being wrapped in quilts like this?)

▲The father made a sandpit for his son before leaving home. (Image source: www.flickr.com, ericaxel)

Memory 2: The exclusive sandpit that summer

In addition to the tucking ritual before going to bed, my husband also recalled another precious memory: in the summer when he was about seven years old, his father made a sandpit for him.

Once, my husband and I took our son to the park to play. The child was so happy when he saw the sand pit in the play area. He spent the whole afternoon squatting in the sand pit to scoop up sand with a small cup, or digging with a shovel. The gentleman who was admiring it said thoughtfully: "I had my own sandpit when I was a kid! We lived on the top floor of an apartment at that time, and my father made a sandpit for me to play in on the balcony of the top floor!"

The husband recalled that one summer, his father-in-law filled sacks with sand and carried it back from somewhere. He then built a sand pit on the balcony of the top floor with a small shovel and a small bucket on top. My husband was about six or seven years old at that time. This sandpit made him very happy. He had a great time playing on his exclusive beach throughout the summer vacation, and even brought the turtles raised at home with him. The little turtle would crawl around on the castle he built, or swim and play in the moat he dug.

What a lovely and heartwarming picture! I believe that the feeling of sand running down between his fingers was engraved in my heart and will remain fresh in my memory many years later.

I don’t know how my father-in-law carried the bag of sand home. The husband said that when he lived in the city, it was quite a distance from the nearest beach; if the sand was obtained from the construction site, there was no transportation at home. How did he carry such a heavy sandbag back? Even if you take a bus or take a taxi, it must be a lot of effort!

The husband originally thought that his childhood memories of his father were pale and insignificant, but because of Heavenly Father’s love and his “upgraded role” after becoming a father, he had the opportunity to redefine the image of his childhood father: that of being wrapped in a warm quilt. The tall figure looking up, and the back figure carrying heavy sandbags, step by step up to the balcony on the top floor to build a sandpit for his beloved son.

▲Working with my father to rebuild the family relationship. (Image source: www.flickr.com, Dominique Archambault)

Take my father’s hand and rebuild the garden of life

American writer Anne Lamott once said: "Where there are ruins, there are treasures." My husband realized that all the regrets and mistakes in life can be reborn and released in Christ Jesus. In addition to digging out the beautiful memories of his father from the depths of his memory because of God's love, he was also able to try to understand his helplessness when faced with his father's subsequent absence. After eleven years of separation, the father is full of longing and guilt, and wishes he could make up for it and repay it to his son at any moment. He didn't know how many times he was alone at night in a foreign country, silently thinking about his son, and secretly made up his mind, "I will take my son to Disneyland in the future!" When he finally took his son into this "children's paradise", he was eager I want to realize the dream for the son who looked up at his father when we parted and needed his father to cover him every night. That is also a father who has not seen his son for eleven years and missed every detail of his son's growth. He wants to recover the lost fragments from the starting point of separation of flesh and blood. How could such a feeling be experienced by the young and energetic son at that time?

It was not until he became a father that my husband gradually understood this feeling. Because I understand, when I face my father, I am willing to hug him and listen to him - not just as a son to listen to the old father "talking about ancient times", but as a father to listen to what a father was like back then. Forced by circumstances, he had to leave his hometown, temporarily abandon his family ties, travel across the ocean, and struggle to survive in a foreign land.

During a "father-son date", my husband accompanied his father-in-law and talked like this all afternoon on a bench in the park. The two of them probably spoke more that afternoon than they had spoken by phone across the ocean during the eleven years they were separated.

▲The Garden of Life reproduces colorful colors.

But this is just the beginning - every plant and tree in the garden has a different look as the seasons of life change. Sometimes flowers and trees that appear to be withered are actually just temporarily hibernating. If you cultivate and wait patiently, the dead trees will rejuvenate and flourish again.

And we must also grow up to truly appreciate the respective styles of spring, summer, autumn and winter.

The same goes for the relationship between father and son. Even if the father is old and the son is older than when he left home, the two of them still have the opportunity to work together to create a new landscape for the garden.

Sometimes I wonder, what is “relationship in the kingdom of God”? Perhaps in the eyes of the world, the parent-child relationship in childhood is nothing more than ordinary family ethics. If you miss it, you can only regret it in vain. At most, you will "forget" and never mention it again; even if you make up for it, it will not be complete. But in Jesus Christ, old things have passed away and all things have become new - no matter whether the memories of childhood in the garden of our lives are bitter or sweet, or whether we have the opportunity to "borrow scenes" from our parents, this does not affect the good intention of God's creation. If we manage with care and look at every relationship with the attitude of "investing good capital in eternity", even if we just tuck our children into bed, it can become the "capital" of beautiful memories in the future and become a scene of true love in the garden. . In Heavenly Father’s garden, every plant and tree has a different appearance as the seasons of life change. And under the care of the gardener, we will continue to grow and experience the joy of blossoming and bearing fruits.

The author writes essays when he is small and writes articles when he grows up. I used to write for myself, but now I give the pen to God. Cooking words to quench hunger cannot bring real spiritual satiety, but I would like to contribute five loaves and two fishes and bake word cookies to "appetite" readers, and then be willing to come into contact with the truth of faith and taste the taste of the Lord's grace.