Take off in love, go home in love
[Mobility in Heaven—Parents and Children] Series 4
I am the eldest son in my family and have been protected by my parents since childhood. When I was in middle school, I had the opportunity to study in a very good school in another area. My parents were worried and refused on my behalf. The real "leaving home" was to live in a university dormitory in the same city as my home. However, after a few months, I moved back home due to different living habits with my roommates. Although I have always been well "taken care of", I still long to leave the protection of my parents. As soon as I graduated from college, I gave up the local job they helped find and moved to another city, wanting to make a career for myself.
The relationship between parents and adult children progresses and retreats in such subtleties: parents know that they should let their adult children leave the nest, but they have many concerns; the children are considered adults, but their minds are not necessarily mature enough. They want to be independent, Want to rely on again.
The parents of an adult child are still parents, and the parent-child relationship does not end just because the child reaches adulthood or leaves home. As parents, love and trust should still be the basis of the parent-child relationship, but the way of interaction needs to be adjusted. Adult children are still children of their parents, and they do not need a safe nest just because they want to travel in their own world. Because of the thoughtful connection with their parents, children are willing to "take off" but can still "go home" with confidence.
Child, or adult?
For children in childhood, parents use imitation as a teaching method to build their children's basic life skills and their motivation to love learning. For teenagers, parents use coaching encouragement to cultivate their children's ability to think independently and make decisions, and work with their children to open their hearts to God.
When children enter adulthood, even if they seem immature, parents should learn to treat them with respect. Even the tone, attitude, and content of speech need to be appropriately adjusted. My daughter just entered college. One time she solemnly told me on the phone: "Dad, when you talk to me from now on, don't call yourself Daddy anymore. Just say Dad. I am no longer a child." It made me realize. , she is really an adult, I should also fine-tune my words and recognize her as an adult.
If you just change the words and tone, communication may still be blocked. Parents can listen attentively. What do their children want to express? What level of desire is revealed behind the statement?
Dr. BJ Fogg, a professor at Stanford University, pointed out that there are usually six driving factors for people's needs: hope, fear, social acceptance, social rejection, happiness, and pain. So is it possible that there are differences in communication and understanding of children's needs between parents and children at different times? (Picture 1)
Figure 1
For younger children, parents may focus more on food, clothing, housing, transportation, and providing a safe environment and atmosphere for growth. Children will be happy when these needs are met. Many parents are familiar with this level of needs. Children entering adolescence will hope to find their own position and be accepted and recognized by their peers. At this time, if parents only focus on their children's needs for food, clothing, housing, and transportation without discussing with their children their need for a sense of belonging, children will often feel that their parents are nagging and do not understand them, and therefore they are unwilling to talk to their parents. It is best for parents to communicate with their children on the level of social belonging. When children grow up and receive higher education or enter the workplace, do parents still care about daily needs? Are you aware that your child needs to find the meaning of his or her life, and that he or she wants to be affirmed and find an area where his or her talents are allowed to flourish?
For example, communication cannot be carried out using different frequencies. If communication is not at the same level of need, no matter how much parents express their care by expressing their care, it will be difficult for parents to truly understand the inner needs of their children, resulting in a reduction in the effectiveness of communication and a gradual loss of trust in each other.
Many adult children encounter interpersonal challenges. Getting along with roommates in college, and dealing with colleagues and bosses in the workplace, these have nothing to do with knowledge, technology, or ability, but they have a great impact on life. Children complain about their roommates being too noisy, not cleaning, and taking up cupboard space; they complain about colleagues competing for credit, bosses shirking responsibilities, and the company system is not perfect... Is there any underlying message behind these outpourings of anger, hurt, and frustration? How do parents cope?
Indeed, it certainly hurts to see children encounter problems, and they will also want to take action to solve them. Encourage parents not to rush to give solutions; try to ask questions to help children not respond directly to the situation emotionally. For example: How did it happen? What aspect do you think is unfair? How did you communicate with the other party? What was your inner need at that time? From the conversation, you can tell which level the child is not satisfied with. Is it recognition, affirmation, or the need to find the meaning of life and realize self-worth? Parents are advised to: remind (not admonish) biblical principles; share (not complain) about past experiences; encourage (not instruct). Help children find peaceful solutions with respect and kindness.
Parents’ care and affirmation express their love and trust, and they believe it can help their children build confidence in God and themselves, and hone their ability to cope with different situations. Elder Kong Lei Hanqing, who has rich experience in the workplace, said in the 68th issue of this magazine "Respect Every Life and Live the Best Self" that properly handling conflicts can bring blessings: enhance understanding and build better relationships; Think about it and seek the best results; show your life and reveal your beautiful testimony. I believe this is not only a principle in the workplace, but also applies to all aspects of life and at different stages of life.
Conflicts and setbacks are inevitable challenges in life. The learning and growth from it will help children become mentally mature "adults".
Discover the meaning of life
Children entering adulthood need to make many decisions about their future: further education or employment? which school? What department? Continue to develop your interests, or choose a major to find a job? Is income or skills the criterion for these big decisions? Should you follow external trends or what your heart loves?
Different generations have different views, and parents’ expectations for their children may not always be realized. In fact, to meet different levels of needs, you don’t necessarily have to start with the needs at the bottom; interestingly, when people can realize their self-worth and discover the true meaning of life, they may not even care so much about basic needs such as food, clothing, housing, and transportation. At this time, children and parents may have different ideas and plans. Instead of feeling disappointed when their expectations are not fulfilled, parents should respect and encourage their children to find a stage that allows them to display their characteristics and talents, and discover their own unique meaning of life. Parents only need to provide appropriate support to empower their children to live out God's beautiful plan in their lives.
Let us think from these four questions, which are also observations from four dimensions: Help children find the meaning, passion and calling of their lives. (Figure II)
Figure II
1) What I am passionate about;
2) What am I good at;
3) What can I do to earn income;
4) What needs can I meet in the world?
The intersection of these four dimensions are:
1) Love + Good at = Passion
2) Good at + Income = Professional (Profession)
3) The needs of the world + love = mission (Mission)
4) The needs of the world + income = vocation (Vocation)
The core of the four dimensions is the meaning of life. Discovering and realizing the meaning of life can enable people to obtain sustained joy from within, which is different from external recognition; it does not depend on what I do, but on who I am (being). If you understand your own identity and value, you will not be easily affected by social trends. On top of the needs of individuals and the world, there is also the call from God; the heavenly identity and value are more driving and sustainable. (For more thinking and application of the four dimensions, please refer to the 63rd issue of this magazine’s housekeeping unit "Discovering the New Meaning of Life".)
Aren’t children the inheritance entrusted to us by God? Parents need to ask God how this Master is managing. Industry is a wonderful design of the Creator, and only God knows how to make these fine designs have the greatest impact, glorify God, and bless people.
Parents are also God’s children, God’s carefully created inheritance, and they also have God’s beautiful plans. When helping children discover the meaning of life, dear parents, do you and I also find the meaning of our own lives?
student → learner → leader
As you progress into adulthood, you may start working or obtain more education. No matter what you choose, your status as a "student" will eventually be fulfilled; this is not the case for you as a "learner". The curiosity cultivated in childhood and the critical thinking trained in adolescence are still the driving force for learning in adulthood.
Learning is not necessarily limited to knowledge and skills. It can be the renewal and change of body, mind and soul, and it can be seeing people and things through new eyes. Learning is not necessarily limited to age or place. You can learn as long as you live and expand your horizons in all aspects of life. Parents and children have a broader understanding of "learning". "Studying" is no longer just for getting a degree and finding a job; learning is no longer just a responsibility, but a hobby.
It took me seven years to obtain a master's degree in leadership when I had been away from school for many years and my family and job seemed stable. What motivates me to step into the classroom again is seeing and feeling the life qualities of the two parent-child education lecturers Wang Qi and Lei Luomei, and I yearn for them. So I followed their lead and started taking leadership courses.
It was not easy to work and attend classes at the same time. Thanks to the support of my wife and children, as well as the companionship and encouragement of several life coaches, I finally insisted on completing it. After that, I hope to use what I have learned to help more people, and start serving young people through different platforms with my expertise in AI. There are more and more services, and the work is just as busy, but I work very hard because I find that I like to learn and grow together with others in a harmonious relationship. This is not only my passion, it is my calling.
Not only do I continue to organize LeadingAI for teenagers and conduct courses on AI racing and leadership, I also train online colleagues who serve teenagers in Europe, Asia, and the United States, and encourage and accompany parents of teenagers in family reading groups. From students, parents, co-workers, and from the various service opportunities, I continue to learn and grow. My two children saw this experience in their eyes and I believe it was an encouragement and inspiration to them. My son, who will graduate from high school in 2023, found his passion and took it into consideration when applying for college. He also found internship opportunities and personally participated in the fields he wanted to develop.
Whether children or parents, when they discover the meaning of life and respond to their heavenly calling, they will need less external urging and will push themselves to learn and grow. Parents can share from daily conversations what new knowledge they have gained, what new technologies they have learned, and what new experiences they have had. Whether in the workplace or at school, if children ask what they want to do or learn, as long as it is safe, legal, and does not violate the truth, they can be encouraged to give it a try. Many opportunities need to be deliberately explored and fought for. Even if the results are not ideal after doing so, the process itself is a good learning and growth.
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Letting go while hugging
Parents always want to hold their children in their arms to treasure them, and want to stretch their arms to protect them. Even if you keep your children by your side, how can you keep their hearts? While sheltering children from wind and rain, does it also block the test of resilience and limit the greater possibilities for children to grow and mature in life? Dear parents, what do you see from your children? Is it because of lack of experience, insufficient consideration, and immaturity in dealing with others...? Or sincerity, enthusiasm, creativity, diligence...? When you speak to your children, are they more criticism and guidance, or affirmation and blessing?
Before the Lord Jesus preached publicly, before he performed any miracles, the Heavenly Father had already declared: “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” The Heavenly Father’s love and joy for Jesus are solely because of His status as a Son, not because of His identity as a Son. What Jesus did.
Indeed, a child will always be a child in the eyes of his parents, as long as he is afraid of being hurt. The apostle John once said that perfect love casts out fear. No matter how hard we try in parent-child classes, it is difficult to have perfect love for our children; and God’s love for children and parents is perfect.
We were once like little eagles, and God provided tangible and intangible resources to stir us up from the nest. When we were tired and injured, He did not reproach us for our shortcomings and unworthiness, but instead took over with the wings of kindness. Isn’t this true for children too? No matter how weak the young eagle is, it has acquired the ability to fly from its parents; it returns to the nest to get a moment of rest in order to flap its wings again. Before the children leave the nest, hug them tightly, and then use full love and trust as the wind to support them soaring.
Children are like fighter jets that need to take off to carry out God-ordained missions. If you leave your child on the tarmac out of fear of being injured, wouldn’t you be failing the sophisticated equipment on board and missing the mission? Dear parents, are you and I willing to become an aircraft carrier, carrying our children into the ocean and providing a runway for takeoff? Your mission does not end here. You also need to prepare a safe environment, welcome the fighter jets back, get supplies, and wait for the next mission.
Regrettably, I have also heard and seen parents overly interfering in their adult children's choices of friends, majors, jobs, and even marriage partners, causing the parent-child relationship to gradually become alienated or even broken.
Have you ever wondered why you don’t want to let go of your child’s hand? Afraid that your children will make the wrong decision, or that the loss will have an impact on them? Parents are encouraged to start the conversation by listening and discussing, allow their children to express their ideas, and respect their choices. You will find: The more parents respect their children, the more they will respect us. When respect becomes the bridge between parents and children, it is possible for parents to continue to influence (rather than control) their children; parents can lead their children in a constructive way so that they can find and live out their calling in life.
If a child really falls, let us follow the example of the father in the parable of the prodigal son and welcome them home with grace as our embracing hands.
Weren't you and I also once prodigal? Heavenly Father has also waited for us to return. As 1 John says, there is no fear in love. Confident of His mercy and kindness, we can return home with peace of mind and into the arms of His love.
Think and act:
• Please open your eyes and heart, discover the ability of love in your own heart, help your children discover the ability of love, and use this ability in daily life?
• Communicate between parents and children on small matters. Use encouraging words and attitudes to ignite the fire - to ignite the child's potential, rather than pouring water - to pour knowledge and truth in a preaching way (perhaps also extinguishing the child's enthusiasm).
• When your adult child comes home, do his favorite things with him and prepare his favorite food. Try your best not to nag.
Chen Dejian, Master of Executive Leadership, Tiny Habit Life Coach certified by Professor Dr. BJ Fogg of Stanford University. Special lecturer of the International True Love Family Association and head coach of the Youth Fellowship. He is the father, coach, and best friend of a pair of teenage children.