in god's house
passive acceptance of illness
When the doctor and I saw a small flower-like tumor on my smooth bladder at the same time, I knew I had won the lottery without the doctor announcing it!
Although I knew it, I was still denying it in my heart. Denial is a very strange thing. It seems that as long as you "deny", everything will not exist. The doctor set a date for my surgery. As usual, I returned home, reported the surgery plan, and waited for the surgery day.
At that time, I thought, this is quite fair. Now I can have an explanation to my relatives and friends who have suffered from cancer or are undergoing treatment. "Now that I am suffering, I rejoice, because through my sufferings I can make up what is lacking in the sufferings of Christ." (Refer to Colossians 1:24) Because after all, the sun shines on good people and evil people, not to mention that I am an "evil person."
I have always been rational and never expected miracles to happen to me. Moreover, I am a bad person, so I always feel that I deserve all the bad things that happen to me. I remember when I was little, I would often fight with others or bully girls without any guilt. Now that I have become a father, when others bully my daughter, I have no choice but to admit it! I have always thought that evil will be punished and I am not worthy of God’s special favor.
I also envy what Paul said: Life and death are His sovereignty. If He wants me to return to heaven, that would be great. Therefore, my thoughts and actions on cancer are extremely negative.
▲Mo Fei and Du Yonghao joined hands to invest in the "Genesis Literary Training Library" to cultivate Christian literary workers. The picture shows the Chuangwen team taking a group photo at the 2018 Chuangwen 10th anniversary thanksgiving dinner.
Turn old ideas upside down
Unexpectedly, this idea was overturned by the "Chuangwen" co-workers. They urgently begged God to heal me and declared that the tumor was definitely malignant according to human experience, and the test results were benign. This was a very new thing to me, and I didn’t know how to react. I could only think about it slowly in my heart like Mary.
On February 21, 2019, at 5:30 in the morning on the day of the surgery, my better half accompanied me to the hospital. Not long after, the senior pastor of the church also came to pray for me. After the operation was over, when I woke up after 11 o'clock, they were still there, and I felt very warm in my heart. No discomfort except dizziness.
After returning home, I fell asleep until dinner time, then slept again after eating. When I woke up the next morning, I was extremely excited because the day of surgery happened to be the same day as my retirement from the workplace. When you wake up, everything is new! New body, new identity, if I hadn't been carrying a urine bag, I really feel like I could fly!
I moved here, touched there, mopped the floors, did the laundry, and responded to all the messages on my computer and phone. How do I usually have time to do these things? He seemed to have endless energy and was gearing up, as if he was about to win the lottery. I was walking with my father-in-law that Saturday afternoon when the family physician called excitedly, and my wife answered the phone.
When my father-in-law and I returned home, my wife looked at me with a confused look on her face, just like the look on her face when she told me that my father had passed away. She said, "The family doctor called and the examination report came out. The tumor is benign!" I think my expression at that time was probably the same as hers, a kind of confusion that felt that everything was too unreal.
▲The Venue of the 10th Anniversary Thanksgiving Dinner of Genesis Word Training Bookstore (June 24, 2018, Southern California). After the shock of cancer, Mo Fei and Du Yonghao became more determined to continue serving and creating stories to tell their life stories.
Live a new life in God’s family
I met with the attending doctor on Wednesday and it was confirmed that the test results of the seemingly malignant tumor were benign. While I was stunned, I knew that this was God’s intervention, but why me? How can I explain to my brothers and sisters who have suffered or are suffering now? I can't explain His meaning and purpose. I have seen miracles and believe that the Supreme One will intervene. However, I am more likely to experience normal birth, old age, illness and death, so my expectations for life are the same as those of ordinary people, and I do not take any chances.
This state sounds rational at best, but I know that I am actually quite detached; a ruthless detachment from life, old age, illness and death, and a cold-blooded detachment from emotional expression. My wife was very worried about my situation because she didn’t see me shed a single tear even when my parents passed away. She felt helpless for a man like me. Since childhood, society has taught us that boys are not allowed to cry, so many men are used to suppressing their emotions to such an extent that they don’t even know they are suppressing them.
But now that God has given me a second chance, does he want me to pay more attention to life, old age, illness and death? As the Bible says, rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who mourn? May the Lord change me and live a different life again, so that I can be closer to Him and more down-to-earth.
David said in the last sentence of Psalm 23: "Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever." The original meaning of "house" is "home", because of the era of translation. The noble and majestic "palace" was used as the background, and the original feeling of intimacy was lost. As a child of God, of course I must live in God’s home, and many things will happen in my home, such as birth, old age, illness, and death.
When I was a child, I suffered from leukemia. I was lying at home, spinning, but because my parents were there, even though I was not feeling well, my heart felt infinitely stable and fearless. I knew that I would be fine soon. The same is true today in God's house. God is present in everything big and small. I am happy and so is my Heavenly Father! I am worried, and so is my Heavenly Father! I fell, but Heavenly Father lifted me up! I jumped up, and Heavenly Father threw me into the sky!
We all live in God’s family and experience the protection and warmth of family together. I believe no one wants to divide the family property and become a prodigal, right?
Du Yonghao, specializes in computer information management. He once worked for Kaiser Medical Systems in Southern California and retired in early 2019. Currently, he is the Director-General of Chuangwen, responsible for various administrative affairs and teaching video shooting and editing. I have had a passion for culture and literature since college. Now I work with my wife, Director Mo Fei, to lead the creative team to promote the vision of literature ministry in three places across the Taiwan Strait and North America.