See light in darkness
Translated by Zhang Jun
The good old days
What is the value of pursuing intimacy? Is the experience worth the risk? Is the joy of success really better than the sadness and frustration of failure? These questions have been with me for a long time. Although I may still be young and inexperienced in the world, I have experienced enough life to make me think deeply in the dead of night. Every Christian seeks wisdom in prayer. But if you really know what wisdom is, you know that what you want is not an easy path. Because wisdom may bring comfort, but painful truths often come unexpectedly.
I believe that many people, like me, have experienced the difficulty of losing a friend, or someone closer than a friend. Sometimes the enthusiasm is overwhelming but cannot last, and soon disappears. Even if it lasts for a while, it will eventually fade and cool down over time. This process is unpredictable and difficult to prevent once it occurs.
When people look back on the past, they often say, "The good old days!" But in those past years, no one helped us see that it was the "good times" that were right in front of us. If we cannot know when and how the life in front of us will end, how can we truly cherish the moment with the people we love? In my past experiences, I have wished many times: If I had known at that time that this was my last chance; if I had known that things would end like this, I would never have done that. I might say goodbye in a better way; I might even change what I do to try for a different ending.
Broken relationship
We will always encounter all kinds of strangers, things, and things in life, but these rarely change the trajectory of our lives. But when people get to know each other and are no longer strangers, our hearts change. There will inevitably be room for them in your heart.
When I was a child, I only thought about myself, and I could only tolerate myself in my heart. After getting to know the world around us, family begins to enter our hearts; as we grow older, different interpersonal relationships slowly begin to occupy a place; as time goes by, more and more cherished people remain in our hearts. But how do people feel when the number of residents in their hearts begins to decrease? When friends leave and people you once loved drift away, will you feel empty like me because of each loss? They are no longer with me, and my former home is now empty and deserted. Those past efforts and time spent together, like the melting snow in spring, disappeared without a trace.
During the season of separation, no matter what the weather was like, I would walk alone at night, thinking over and over again from memories about what I and the other person had done, as well as what we should have done but failed to do. But no matter how far I went or how long I thought, it didn't help; I couldn't change my feelings or the situation. My walks and others with my friends all reflected the same "mood symptoms": how we longed to do something to mend broken relationships. It would be great if you could change the surrounding environment on your own, but sometimes people are really hard-hearted. Some things, no matter how hard you try, you may not succeed. After all, the only thing we can change in the end is ourselves.
▲What do people who come and go bring to our lives? Isn’t the reason why separation is bitter just because we had the beauty of being together?
Embrace the pain
At first I thought pain would narrow my heart, and that leaving someone who could support me would shrink my heart. However, in fact, the space left did not just bring loneliness as I imagined, it also brought opportunities; it was an opportunity for me to understand myself under pressure and my true ability to love.
People often think that suffering will make people stagnate or even retreat, but it can also be an opportunity for growth. If you can accept those negative emotions calmly, you can take the opportunity to become more mature. Such an unpleasant experience made me see things more clearly.
What I have always been good at is extracting the truth from narratives, rather than abstract theoretical research. Then I began to think about the beginning of each breakup, the series of events that led to the conflict, like analyzing how the plot of a novel unfolds. The more I researched, the better I learned about myself and the types of people I was attracted to. This allows me to know why certain people are particularly exciting to me; what role I expect them to play in my life; or what is missing in my life that I hope they can fill. When I truly understand my own needs and those of others, I have the ability to take better care of myself and others.
It is not easy to be grateful for every love and learn from every loss. Refusing to let the suffering we experience define us, and refusing to let the slights of others and personal mistakes determine our attitude towards life, is as difficult as walking through waist-deep swamps. The most natural reaction for people is to forget the pain as quickly as possible and not think about it again. But don’t miss any opportunity to grow! If we have no determination and do not take action, it will be our future selves who will be harmed in the end.
Apart from God, the existence of the future is also a fact that we cannot hide. The future will see our every failure and every hesitation; it will also see our every weakness and every misstep. The future will be amazed at how we stumble through life. Never forget that this moment is not just the present, it is the past and the future. Every moment in life may become regrets from the past and difficulties in the future.
There are many things in life that cost us dearly; in community, in love, in friendship, and in brotherhood. The line that separates what brings us pain and what brings us happiness may be thinner than we think.
Sometimes I wish I could forget: If I had never met that person, I wouldn't be in such pain now. But isn’t it because of memory that people are human? There may be a lot of pain in this, but if these people are not here, all they will leave behind is pain. If there is no beauty in the time together, then pain will not occur; isn't the reason why tears are bitter just because there has been sweetness? Embrace the unavoidable pain! Only in this way can we get to know better things, better people, and better selves in the days to come.
Masao, an Asian young man, likes to use words to express his mood and record his thoughts.
Zhang Jun, a mother of three children, was born in science and engineering but is passionate about translation work. A former homeschooler, I fully expect God to lead me into a new journey in life!