Love has nowhere to hide

Oral narration/Kiley Hsu

Interview/Lin Minwen

▲When Xu Kaili was a child, he got along well with his father Xu Zongshi. Why did the two of them often clash later? Can the relationship between father and son be reconciled? (Illustration: Su Xuefeng)

I sit down and get up

I grew up among people.

Shortly after he was born, my father started pastoring a church. In my impression, either people come to my home, or we go to other people’s homes and attend various gatherings. I had no shortage of playmates. There were many children in the church, and I would meet my cousins at family reunions every other year.

When I was young, I had a good relationship with my parents and older brother. Dad was very busy, so he rarely found time to take me fishing, and he also prepared a sermon with a notebook. I was very satisfied just being able to go fishing. As for whether he would "accompany" me to fish and whether we could have a "quality time", to be honest, I didn't really care at the time.

My father is very strict, which I can understand. This is the way people of their generation accepted their upbringing. When encountering a stubborn child like me, the conflict between father and son started.

When I was three or four years old, my dad stipulated that I could only leave the table after eating the vegetables. I remember one day I refused to eat at all and sat there for a long time. He finally put the food into his mouth, but refused to chew or swallow it. A few more hours passed until he gave up.

Another problem I have is that I am very interested in what adults say I shouldn’t do. When I was a kid and saw people smoking on TV, I would always think about what it felt like, why I couldn’t do it, and what the consequences would be if I did. When I asked questions, I ignored the answers they gave me. Regardless of whether I could do it or not, I would do it first and then talk about it.

Probably seven or eight years old! One time my parents had to attend a party and left me with a friend. I disliked the child in that house very much and was unwilling to stay there. I even got into an argument with the child. Full of anger, I walked home without telling any adults, thinking I knew the way home.

Maybe I underestimated the distance home, or overestimated my walking speed. In short, it took a long time before I entered the community. Unexpectedly, a few intersections away, I saw a police car parked in my driveway from a distance. When I opened the door, I saw my mother crying so sadly and my father with a serious look on his face. This is bad.

There is no way to avoid punishment, and I don't think it's unfair, but it's not the first time I've been smart, nor will it be the last. Dad may think that after being punished, I should learn to behave. It's just that I violated the bottom line of "what's not allowed to be done" said by adults again and again, and my father tried every means to change me again and again, so our relationship became colder little by little.

my thoughts

I am very competitive. The more I do things that no one is doing, the more I have to do it. No matter what I do, I have to be outstanding; I am the only top Asian player on the school basketball court and in track and field. He excels in his studies, likes to make friends, and gets along well with everyone. In public schools, there are students from all backgrounds. It is not difficult to learn things you shouldn't do and get things you shouldn't have from these friends. Driven by curiosity, I chose to embark on a path I shouldn't have taken.

Cigarettes, liquor, and drugs were all there. Marijuana, heroin, and cocaine were all tried. I know in my heart that this is a road of destruction and a meaningless way of life, but I want to try a little more. Dad may have seen some clues. Every time he wanted to ask something, he always felt that he wanted to expose me, so the more he resisted, the more he had to dodge. Later, I deliberately avoided meeting him.

How could I not know that these were things that my father didn't like and wouldn't allow? How could I not know that doing so would hurt his heart? But I still refused to let go of my thoughts and continued to push through.

My church friends knew a thing or two about my situation, and they never asked in a critical tone, “How did you do that?” Instead, they honestly said, “We really don’t know what we can do, but please let us know. How can I help you?" I felt the love and encouragement from the brothers and sisters, but I didn't want to turn around. I thought I still had the power to change, if I wanted to...

After that, he lost interest in studying and his memory was damaged by drug abuse, causing his grades to plummet. It wasn't until the tenth grade (first year of high school) that I was caught stealing from a store. My parents decided to transfer me to a Christian school, hoping that changing the environment would change my attitude and behavior.

I worked hard until I was in twelfth grade (senior year of high school), and I was about to graduate in a few months. My grades improved, and I applied to the famous Rutgers University in New Jersey. However, his behavior has not changed much and he is still addicted to drugs.

On that graduation trip to the Dominican Republic, I sneaked out with my friends at night and had a party and got drunk. Too bad it was discovered.

At two o'clock in the night, the guidance teacher picked out a few of us and arranged for us to take the next flight back to New Jersey that night. Not only was I sent home, I was kicked out of school.

Dad picked me up at the airport. On the way home, I tried my best to explain that I didn't intend to play so crazy or get so drunk... He didn't say a word and drove silently. When I got home, I saw my mother sitting on the sofa crying, and my father still looked solemn.

He said he cleaned my room and found drug paraphernalia. A few straightforward words, without anger but full of pain. Over the years, I have decided to do things that my parents don't allow, and this is the outcome? Do I insist on opposing them just to see their depressed expressions? Suddenly, I woke up─

game over. I won. What's next?

Fly to the ends of the sea

That night, my parents and I had a long talk. They didn't think it would be a good idea for me to go to university, so they urged me to participate in the Young Leaders in Training organized by Singing Waters Ministries in Canada for one year. At first, I was extremely reluctant and full of resentment. I thought that when I returned to college, my friends would all be in their sophomore year, and I would have to hang out with a group of freshmen who I didn’t know at all.

In fact, resistance is just for another power struggle. That is my habit and my position. But this time I didn't resist too much. It's clear enough that this is the consequences, and any struggle is useless.

Young people participating in the training come from all over the world, including Germany, the United Kingdom, Australia, etc. Among the ten people, nine volunteered, and only one was "sent". Who do you think that person is? We lived in a retreat camp and were given different tasks every day, such as vacuuming, washing dishes, chopping firewood, etc. to maintain the operation of the camp. These companions were interesting. I also learned to snowboard there, and my dad’s friend Rev. Steve Chua became my mentor.

This should be an opportunity for me to change my mind, and it was also what my parents expected from me. However, in that desolate and remote northern countryside, I still couldn't turn back, and I could still find drugs.

That day, I took advantage of my free time to go skiing alone, and happened to encounter two teenagers smoking marijuana on the side of the road. I approached to inquire about the source of the goods, and they gave me the tobacco they were smoking and those not yet smoked, and then left. As soon as I tried it, I knew something had been added to it. I didn’t know what it was, but I just knew it was full of energy.

After smoking that pipe, something felt wrong when I started skiing. It felt very different from the high I had in the past. My hands and feet couldn't control my movements, my brain couldn't function, and I had only one thought: What should I do if I was discovered? I'm going to be "sent" away, I'm screwed.

I don’t know how long it took, but a British girl came out to me and reminded me that it was time to help in the kitchen. I picked up a handful of snow and ate it, trying to wake myself up. She immediately saw the real situation and asked me to go back to the dormitory to sleep. She said she would help me take sick leave and work on my behalf.

The next day I went back to the kitchen to wash the dishes and tried my best to pretend that nothing happened. Pastor Cai came over to talk to me. I forced a smile, but in fact my mind was confused, but he didn't expose it on the spot.

So I continued to stay.

This experience shattered the high walls in my heart. I knew that I was not "lucky" at all, and what the British girl and Pastor Cai did made me truly understand what grace is.

Where to hide

After this incident, I became much clearer, not only mentally but also mentally. In fact, during the years when I was addicted to drugs, every time my body was in a state of ecstasy, my mind could not be clearer. It was as if another me had withdrawn from the scene and saw my body with my friends. At this time I will hear His voice calling my name and asking me:"Is this the life you want? The life you want?"

This is definitely not an hallucination caused by drugs, because hallucinations will change and disappear, but this voice does not change and always exists. This voice is familiar and close to me. I have known it for many years.

Although I grew up in a pastor's family, I always kept a distance from God. I understand what salvation is, but I’m not sure if people like me can be saved. Whenever a call to make a decision comes from the pulpit, just to be on the safe side, I always raise my hand to respond. I feel that God is near, but I pray with words but no intention. I know that God doesn’t like what I choose to do, but I don’t want to think too much about it.

Just like I avoided Dad, I also tried to avoid God. Time and time again, I use drugs to hide myself, but no matter how high I get after taking it, God is there; no matter how low I get when I wake up, God is also there.

That day in the Canadian snow, my body refused to obey, my heart was full of panic, and my head revolved around the same thought - it's over, it's over... From the deepest part of my soul, I issued an SOS call:"As long as you are willing to save me this time, I will never touch drugs again."

He literally reached out and gave me a hand. The British girl came out to find me and got me back to camp safely.

I have really avoided drugs since then, and I have not experienced any side effects of addiction withdrawal. As far as I know, this is a very unusual phenomenon. Also because of the kindness of my partners and mentors in the training camp, I was able to stay and complete that year's course. During this period, Pastor Cai often talked deeply with me and prayed for me, and I also experienced the filling of the Holy Spirit.

It's like I got a new life contract and set out again to start another chapter.

▲Now the relationship between Kai Li and his father Xu Zongshi is harmonious and relaxed. (Photo courtesy: Xu Kaili)

guide the way forward

When I returned home, the violent energy of adolescence seemed to have worn off, and I no longer looked at anything that was displeasing to my eyes, and I no longer deliberately opposed my parents. To my surprise, Dad also changed. Don't nag, don't preach, don't push people. There is no longer a need to avoid him, and when you are with him, you no longer need to be on guard at all times in case he "attacks" or "extracts a confession." We both worked hard to rebuild trust and rebuild relationships.

I also became more and more interested in things about God. From reading spiritual books and listening to sermons, the more I learn about God’s attributes and truths, the more I want to know more and more deeply. The more we know God, the more confident we can see Him.

The relationship with dad now is harmonious and relaxed. We are still very different, but we can accept each other's differences and learn to appreciate and value each other. Instead of fishing together, we walked together and sat around the dinner table discussing theology. He used my paintings as the cover of his new book and asked for my opinion on church matters. I asked for his advice when encountering problems, valued his opinions and trusted his judgment.

Thank you Dad, no matter how many times I made mistakes or how serious my mistakes were, he never gave up and always prayed for me. The father in the Gospel of Luke who waited for the prodigal son to return home is exactly his portrayal.

This is my story, the experience of the Xu family; it may also be your story, the experience of many families.

However, I see hope, because God is the Father who is looking forward to and waiting for the prodigal son to return home. He never abandons me, allowing me to turn around after years of ups and downs; His love has nowhere to hide, and there is no need to hide anymore. After a long and winding road, I returned home. What I can rest assured is that I can completely trust His guidance in the future, because He is my Creator and the Heavenly Father who loves me.

Reporter Lin Minwen is dedicated to spreading God’s faithfulness and heavenly hope through words.