I count to ten...

▲Before asking children to obey, do parents listen and care about their children? (Image source: http://micheleborba.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/distracted-parents_wide-5694743d781df652a2c5811e7c46e94211e0ab5f.jpg)

Before "obeying", you must first "hear"

When many parents take their children out, they start counting: 1, 2,... 8, 9, 9.1, 9.2..., sometimes adding two decimal points! And most children have to wait until 9.999 before taking action! Why? Doesn't this mean training them not to be obedient and wait until their parents get angry before responding?

Before I became a mother, I saw many families dealing with these situations and how they were dealt with, and I told myself: "One day when I have a child, I will only speak once and the child will respond. Never allow parents to speak and the child will not respond." After having a child of my own, I understood why it is so difficult to make children obedient!

In order to teach our children to be "obedient", my husband and I have put in a lot of effort. Since they were three years old, they have been encouraged: "You are very smart and have good ears. You can hear what adults say once, not twice. Children who have to be told several times before listening will not think about it themselves, and they will not be able to hear it when they grow up." Can't be a leader."

We train them to "just call once and respond immediately." But we must first "guarantee": when we talk to them, they will definitely hear us. This requires face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and removal of all obstacles. This includes putting down what you are doing, turning off the TV, and turning down the radio. If he is upstairs, I have to go upstairs; if he is in the basement, I have to go to the basement. Sometimes after I finish speaking, I have to ask him to repeat what I said to show that he has heard it in his heart. There is room for discussion whether you agree or disagree. If you don't understand or don't know how to do it, you can find another time to learn. However, parents must first make sure they "hear" before asking them to "obey."

The root of "disobedience"

When our husband and wife led the "Children Raising" course, we also heard many parents lament that their children were disobedient and wanted to find out the solution. This made me think, when did the habit of being “disobedient” begin?

When a baby is born, one of his first ways of communicating is to "cry" - he makes a sound to let you know he is in need. How do we react when a baby "cryes"? Should you hug him right away, or wait until he cries for a few minutes before hugging him? Or just ignore him and he will stop crying after enough? There is also a saying that if a child cannot be hugged when he cries, he will be spoiled. Does this mean that when he is fussy and cries for a long time, he can get his parents' attention?

When our children were young, our husband and I often hugged them and spoke words of encouragement to them. We also often used hymns, Bible stories, and interesting radio programs to help our children listen to God’s words. This kind of interaction gives children a sense of security, knowing that their parents hear and care about them. Later, they can also accept the concept of "God hears my prayers and cares about me."

Of course, "obedience" is not only a challenge faced by the parent-child relationship, but also a spiritual challenge since Adam.

Genesis 2:16-17 records: “The Lord God commanded him, saying, You may freely eat of any tree of the garden. But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it; "You must die." Genesis 3:2-4 says, "The woman said to the serpent, 'We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden. But God has said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden. Touch not, lest ye die. The serpent saith unto men, ye shall not surely die.”

Because you don’t care whether a sentence is right or wrong and you interpret it according to your own opinion, and because you don’t take what you hear seriously, it brings a completely different fate to human beings.

Is this also true for parent-child interactions? Do you interpret the other person's words in your own way, or do you take what you hear seriously? When parents treat their children, they sometimes "react with intuition" and say whatever they want; or they "react with feelings" and speak politely when they are in a good mood, but speak indiscriminately when they are in a bad mood. Just like some parents will say: "If you cry again, I won't take you home and leave you here!" How will this make the child feel?

So the child's disobedience is really the child's fault, and the parents have no responsibility at all? Parents really have the power to say whatever they please, but do their children have to be obedient?

When your child gets older, is he happy, scared, or impatient when he hears you calling his name? Some children will say: What are you doing, you heard me, you are so annoying, you are so verbose, can you give me more space? What should parents do if they become irritable when they hear their voices?

It is best for parents to pray first, speak slowly, and respond rationally. For example: "You keep crying and we are so sad. Can you tell us why?"

The Bible says: "Return because of my rebuke. I will pour out my Spirit on you, and I will teach you my words." (Proverbs 1:23) It also says: "My son, if you receive my words and take them to heart, My commandment, give ear to wisdom, apply your heart to understanding, call for understanding, lift up your voice for understanding, seek him as silver, search for him as for hidden treasures, and you will understand the fear of the Lord and the knowledge of God.” (Proverbs) 2:1-5)

Since "disobedience" is a spiritual challenge, "obedience" requires the help of the Holy Spirit. Parents can pray more and let God’s spirit guide and inspire their children.

▲Before "obeying", you must "hear" first. Parents and children need to talk face to face and eye to eye. (Image source: http://www.blogcdn.com/slideshows/images/slides/309/107/3/S3091073/slug/l/asian-mother-and-daughter-washing-dishes-in-kitchen-1. jpg)

Demonstrate "obedience"

Parents want their children to be obedient, but what should we do if they are really "disobedient" and make some decisions that are different from what we want?

One year at the missionary annual meeting, someone was selling cookies for charity. My husband and I gave our children money to buy them, but neither of us wanted to go! We were very angry at first, but then they explained: They don’t want to eat biscuits, why should they buy them? They can make their own decisions. We need to communicate to help each other "obey"!

If they hear adults criticizing them while chatting, they will let us know by saying, "Ding dong!" We will immediately stop "criticizing and advising" them, because they are already unhappy inside. If we have different opinions, we have to make the "T" hand gesture to pause.

If he wants to invite friends to play, I don't allow them to ask me in front of their friends: Can so-and-so come to play? I would never have given him an answer at that time because he did not give me the time and space to talk to them privately first.

When I talk to someone, if he wants to find me, he needs to hold my hand and wait for me. I will answer him when I have time. When I can listen to him, I listen attentively and attentively without jumping to conclusions or rushing to give lessons. I teach him to be "obedient" by demonstrating "obedience".

Sometimes we also ask children if there is anything that offends or hurts them. Thank God, we can also admit our mistakes and ask for their forgiveness.

In the past, it was stipulated that they were not allowed to wear T-shirts, shorts, or sneakers when going to church on Sundays, because they were not going to play ball or play sports, but to worship. In fact, the purpose is to teach them to respect God and people, and to give the best to God and not to do anything casually. Such rules have nothing to do with morality. When setting rules, don't make them too absolute or hurt your feelings. Don't insist on things that are not life-threatening. After all, the greater the pressure, the greater the rebound.

Ten years have passed in a hurry. A while ago, I asked my son if he wanted to buy anything for him. When I was a teenager, my son kept a pair of leather shoes in the car and changed them when he went to church. He actually said, "Mom, if you are willing, can you buy me a new pair of leather shoes? The previous pair are worn out!" At that time, we were out of curiosity. What Ai teaches them is explained clearly so that they can understand and accept it. When they grow up, they can stick to it without having to say it anymore.

▲Parents and children can learn to obey God through obedience.

(Image source: http://smartloving.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/couple-praying.jpg)

Learn to obey God from "obedience"

When children become adults, they sometimes encounter difficulties, and parents even have to keep their mouths shut. They don't say much without asking! Sometimes when we see that they seem to be about to fall, we pray: "Lord! I have said what I should have said before. If they fall, let them fall! Lord! Tell them yourself! If you persist in your own way, you will be responsible for the consequences."

The example that parents want their children to see is: If I decide to listen to the Lord and encounter disaster, know that it is temporary. Learn to obey God by being obedient, and the Lord will give me the strength to walk through it. After getting to know the Lord, we understand that the process of life is to let God’s glory be revealed in us and let others see God’s love and God’s will.

Why is "obedience" our highest expectation and praise for our children? Because God loves us and gives us a lot of teachings. Only when we are willing to obey can we honor God and benefit others. Children are very smart, and most of them will not listen to things that are unreasonable or not beneficial to them.

In fact, it may not necessarily be a good thing for children to just "obey". Our generation has only been able to "listen" since childhood, so we are called good children. So I accept most of what others say and just do it. Later I found out that I was not very good at making choices and could only listen. Anyway, others are doing it for my own good, which often causes me a lot of trouble. I can't say "no" and I don't dare to communicate. When you grow up and leave home, you have to learn everything again! Learn to communicate again, learn to express again, and give all your grievances, bitterness, and shame to the Lord. Thank you Lord! He remade me.

In order for children to learn to be obedient, teachable and respectful, parents must first learn how to speak and how to be obedient. The so-called communication should be a two-way channel with comings and goings. When one party speaks, the other party must listen attentively; listen to the content and the emotions and expectations behind it. When we ask our children to be obedient, we ourselves must also listen to our Heavenly Father. Otherwise, the children will only talk to others and will not know how to come to the Lord on their own! What we are happiest about now is that our adult children can answer questions with us and are willing to pray together. If they have any questions, they will talk to God. Now we can listen to the Lord with peace of mind, trust and obey the Lord!

Author profile

Xue Yueyue and her husband He Mingzhi are from Taiwan and now live on the east coast of the United States. He teaches "couple relationships" and "child rearing" in adult Sunday school classes, and also tutors some young people, and serves as the couple leader of the American Family Renewal Association's Loving Couples Camp.