Wave and say goodbye to the "old me"

After leaving the couples growth camp

Dear wife:

This morning at the dinner table, I said to my daughter: "When you grow up, don't be as bad-tempered as mommy, and be gentler to your husband, so that your husband will be very grateful to you!" After I finished speaking, I saw your unhappy expression. Yue, only to realize that he had "fouled again." Please accept my apology. I should not use you as a negative teaching material in front of my children.

Recalling the "Couple Growth Camp" we participated in in July of last year (2008) at the Divine Resource Cultural Practice Camp, two teachers, Guo Yuanpei and Liu Yongling, reminded us that when conflicts occur, we should discuss the matter and not forget the "rules" of communication (quarrels). I still remember showing the DVD "The Steak is Cold!" in class. "In the case of the film, the hero and heroine in the film ended up arguing that their hearts were cold and they wanted to divorce because of a trivial matter like the steak being cold at dinner. Oops, I really have to be careful, not forgetful, and remember what Teacher Guo said: "In marriage, use more grace and less reason!"

Last week, I lost my temper with you because my toothbrush disappeared and I couldn't find my trousers and handouts. Such "missing items" often happen in our family, and we have to deal with these daily problems every day. In worldly affairs, small battles and conflicts are fought.

▲On the last day of the couples growth camp, Jay & Iris expressed their love vows to each other in the Lord, setting a new milestone for their 20th wedding anniversary. After the vows of love, Jay & Iris embraced each other and were willing to be more committed to each other's marriage.

Wife, I know you have been working hard to be a good wife and mother, otherwise you wouldn’t have taken the initiative to sign up for the couples camp and forced me to participate too! Although at first I was reluctant, but when I arrived at the camp, I saw Teacher Guo and Teacher Liu, husband and wife singing together, inseparable. Their love, patience, concentration, and attentiveness moved me, and made me believe that it was God who loved me and wanted to do this. Let me come to this camp!

I agree with what Teacher Guo said, conflict resolution is an art, and the point of view must be higher than the conflict. Only by jumping out and seeing it can you not get stuck in it without knowing it. To be able to jump out, you need to first change your mind and look at things from a different perspective, which is the so-called "Paradigm Shift" (change of perspective). Breakthroughs can only be achieved by changing your perspective. To achieve this, you need to constantly remind yourself to update and change your mind and say goodbye to the old self.

I really miss those few days in the couples camp, as if I was back in college, when we first fell in love. Beautiful scenery, delicious food, kind words, the earnest teachings of teachers, concentrating on talking to you, no chores, no interruptions from phones, computers, and TVs, just study with a group of couples who want to seriously pursue a happy marriage. I still remember myself saying: "It feels like I'm in heaven here. I'm just afraid that after the camp is over and I go down the mountain, I'll have to return to the world and face the test of real life!"

After returning from the couple’s camp, we relived the honeymoon period for a few months, and I actively called my church friends to invite them. Although we have had several conflicts due to disagreements, we have understood the "rules of the game" for husband and wife communication. If I "break the rules" again, please let my wife remind me at any time.

I sincerely thank Teacher Guo and Teacher Liu for praying for us and allowing me to come to this camp, which reminded me of my first love for you and rekindled the fire of love for you in my heart. This is truly a gift from God to us!

love you husband pen

▲Couples who are serious about pursuing a happy marriage study together, as if they were back in their first love.

Wise husband:

I am touched by your apology. I believe that “all things work together for good to those who love God!” Perhaps God wants us to review and practice our lessons again after returning from the “Couples Growth Camp”! I found the handouts from the Couples Camp and the notes I took at that time. Here are some outlines of questions from two teachers, Guo Yuanping and Liu Yongling. Let’s review the past and learn something new together.

"Why do we need to communicate? As long as husband and wife still love each other, they will want to communicate. Communication is to express love and concern; to enhance understanding and increase fun; to establish relationships and deepen feelings."

Thinking about it, there is still hope for our relationship as a couple because we don’t want to give up. Although we have stumbled in love over the past twenty years, we are still willing to reflect on each other, communicate with each other, and continue to learn. I believe that as long as we are willing to learn more and as long as we are willing to trust God, He will definitely have a way to save our marriage! Because we do have a taste of love rekindled! What I fear the most is as Teacher Guo said: "There is no greater sadness than death."

"Principles of communication: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. These twelve simple words in the Bible are the highest guiding principles for communication."

In couples camp, we practice "listening" in practice. Listening is like "crouching on a horse." If you don't squat firmly on this first horse stance, you won't be able to use other skills. While listening to the demonstration, I was corrected several times because I didn't give you 100% of my attention and was distracted. The discerning teacher and classmates immediately discovered that I failed! I agree with what Teacher Liu said: "Empathy means putting yourself in the other person's shoes. When the other person feels understood, half the battle is won!"

I asked Teacher Guo: "How to achieve a win-win situation when a conflict occurs?" Teacher Guo's answer was simple and powerful: "It depends on how good the relationship is between you and how much you are willing to sacrifice for each other!" It really hit the nail on the head. Teacher Liu further explained: "Let's see who has higher love and spirituality; let's see who is willing to be a 'hero' first!"

▲Two teachers, Guo Yuanhui and Liu Yongling, lead by example. Not only do they serve together, but they also pray for each other before going to bed every night. This is one of the secrets for them to become a loving couple!

▲Two teachers demonstrate the correct communication attitude between couples.

Every time a conflict occurs, I always "get angry quickly, speak quickly, and listen slowly." It turns out that I have completely reversed these twelve-character mantras! I finally found the root cause! The problem lies in my "strong old self": I always expect you to be a hero first, to let me go, to be more mature than me, to be comprehensive, to be a "Super Man", to be someone who can't make mistakes. Saint, but I myself do not want to reflect. oh! Honey, that's so unfair to you!

The Bible tells us that marriage is "two people becoming one flesh." Everything should be viewed from the perspective of "one flesh." Think of "us" in everything, not just "me." It's really "a word that wakes up the dreamer", I think, I should also learn to be a "heroine"!

This time I was unhappy, so I called Teacher Liu for advice. She taught me that next time if you accidentally criticize me in front of your children, I will just pat you on the back gently, smile at you, and give you hints. When you receive my kind message, you will know not to say any more. .

As for the fact that you can't find things like toothbrushes and trousers, the problem still lies in communication. These are your personal belongings. If I want to move them, I must ask you in advance, or at least inform you afterwards, or leave a note on the message board on the refrigerator. note. In fact, isn’t marriage made up of these daily mundane things? There will be unpleasantness because the communication attitude is wrong. Doesn’t Teacher Guo often say that? The content of communication only accounts for 7%, and other body language accounts for 93%. Next time, I will pay attention to my "attitude".

Couples camp, we did not come here in vain, we will definitely make a breakthrough. As we grow spiritually, as we learn more about the truth, as our communication patterns mature, and with the follow-up guidance of our two teachers, the situation will get better and better. We must have confidence!

In addition, Teacher Guo and Teacher Liu pray with each other every night before going to bed. I believe this is one of the secrets for them to become a loving couple! We've tried to do this in the past, but it's hard to get into the habit. It is said that to change old behavior patterns and establish new habits, you need to do it continuously for at least six months. I really want to make a breakthrough in this area, dear, are you willing to help me?

The last thing I want to remind each other is not to forget the last lesson on marital intimacy. I learned: sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a natural extension of the close relationship in daily life. To enjoy the intimacy in the boudoir, it is not from the moment of going to bed, but from the kitchen (such as Help with washing dishes, helping with housework), plus the "relationship" that the couple usually builds (of course, I am still very grateful that you help with washing dishes after dinner on weekdays).

I also miss those days at the couple’s camp. It was the best 20th wedding anniversary gift you gave me. I really wish more couples had the opportunity to enjoy the wonderful time at Couples Growth Camp.

Let us always remind ourselves to say goodbye to the old self in the past and build more good "relationships". This weekend, we are waiting for you to make an appointment!

Love your wife

About the Author

Wang Zhiyuan (Jay) and Liao Meihui (Iris) have been in love for six years and married for 20 years. He has one son and one daughter. I immigrated to the United States from Taiwan eight years ago and now lives in New Jersey.

The couple have common interests: they like to watch movies together on weekdays; enjoy flower viewing in spring, camping in summer, maple viewing in autumn, and skiing in winter. Currently, I am learning to go on a date once a month to increase the time for couples to talk.