Ladder to Heaven

During the traffic rush hour at five or six o'clock on weekdays, many parents with preschool children shuttle through traffic to rush to the kindergarten to pick up their children. The moment you see your dear baby, the fatigue and tension of a day's work immediately disappear. The child's happy smiling face and innocent words are the best mental stress reliever.

Speaking of which, I am luckier than most parents. The afternoon half-day service workshop is at the church. My son has also been attending a church-affiliated kindergarten for the past three years. I can pick him up by walking downstairs at 6:30. Isn’t that the envy of many parents? ?

Lots of question marks

However, for a long time, I struggled to move up the twenty or so steps. I finally walked to the door of the classroom, but I didn't dare to look at the whiteboard recording the "judgment" of the child's behavior that day. When you muster up the courage to look up, you will often find him nowhere to be found among the names listed in the "smiling face" on the upper left; the sunlight reluctantly slides to the "crying face" on the right, and the six characters of his name immediately turn into six stones, flying past one by one. The classroom hit the already riddled heart.

After a while, the teacher saw me frozen at the door and hurriedly came over to label the stones. I disobeyed instructions, was disobedient, lost my temper, and acted aggressively...

On the way home, the sunset was lingering outside the car, and the atmosphere in the car was dull. When I have the strength, I scold him and teach him a lesson; when I don't have the strength, I punish each other with dullness, and questions arise in my mind: Why are other people's children so well-behaved and smart, but our children are so stubborn and difficult to teach? Why is his mood constantly ups and downs, hurting others and himself? Why don't all the methods I tried work? Why can't he give us a few days of peace? Why can't the teacher always do anything about him? Why is my mother so unreasonable? …

J is my first child. After graduating from graduate school, I moved from the eastern United States to the western United States and became pregnant with him during the first semester of teaching full-time. Once, I looked at my increasingly protruding belly and wondered about his features: Once, I listened to my husband whispering a lullaby against his dress; Once, I was pleasantly surprised by the rippling fetal movement... This child is the eldest grandson of my husband’s family and the eldest grandson of my mother’s family. , our eldest son was born with so much anticipation, hope, and prayer!

In the rough journey, both mother and son struggled

When he was three months old, J was sent to a nanny's house. I got up early and came home late, shouldering the heavy responsibility of being a novice teacher and a novice mother. I often felt physically and mentally exhausted, and the quality and quantity of my time with J was poor. I prayed for a long time with my husband, and when J was one year old, I resolutely resigned from my beloved teaching position and switched to a part-time job in the church. At least half of the morning could be reserved for my children.

After changing tracks, J and I did not "live happily together". I was surprised to find that raising "a" child of my own was less fulfilling than teaching more than 30 teenagers before! Interactions are frequently frustrated and he seems to be much closer to the nanny than I am? I rushed to catch up, using hard and soft tactics. After struggling for several months, I gradually got better, only to find that another little life was growing in my belly.

The pregnancy was not stable, and in her twenties, J turned two years old. Ten days after I happily celebrated his birthday, I suddenly had a miscarriage, and I had to crawl through the valley of the shadow of death in body, mind, and spirit. Unfortunately, the nanny could not continue to take care of him due to family reasons, so we decided to send J to the church kindergarten for half a day in advance.

In February of the following year, I became pregnant for the third time. Doctors and family members have repeatedly warned you to pay special attention. We had no choice but to transfer J to the full-day class. There were frequent signs of miscarriage in the middle of the pregnancy, so the doctor told her to quit her job and stay in bed for long periods of time at home. During this period, there were many dangers, and even after lying in the hospital under day and night monitoring for more than a month, M still came into the world ten weeks early, weighing three pounds and nine. Taking care of premature babies is another level of challenge!

In this way, due to several twists and turns in childbirth, for nearly two and a half years, I, with the impermanence of human beings around me, never thought that when I was stumbling forward in the high mountains and low valleys, my child would also be stumbling along. .

The child's performance is the mother's report card

Last February, M was safely half a year old. I returned to the part-time ministry after a long absence and began to have frequent contact with J’s teachers. Their comments are similar: they are very smart, but their social development cannot keep up with their peers. They often lose control of their emotions, hurt themselves, and attack teachers and classmates.

The principal talked to me many times and said that with her thirty years of experience in early childhood education on both sides of the Pacific, she could not figure out this child? ! Autism is not like autistic, hyperactivity is not like hyperactivity; there is no learning disability, but interpersonal problems emerge in endlessly; cognitively, the vocabulary is rich, but when emotional, he cannot move or speak...   

I was on the front line every day and faced bullets and bullets. I couldn't figure out what kind of battle I was fighting, and my heart was filled with sour and bitter emotions. Unknowingly, I transformed my child's emotions and abnormal behavior in school into my own report card. Since I was little, I have always been praised as "excellent in both character and study". I have always had a smooth schooling process. I never imagined that my child would have a red letter after he entered school!

What's more, I still have a doctorate in Chinese education and several years of teaching experience in college and junior high schools, but now I can't teach my own children well. How ironic is this? I was ashamed, panicked, and nervous. I prayed desperately with my husband, devoured all kinds of education books alive, consulted pediatricians, psychologists, counselors, special education consuls, and parents...

There are various theories and opinions. Most experts believe that there is no big problem with him and there is no need for special treatment1, but the school teacher keeps reporting endlessly. He was a borderline child who seemed naughty among the well-behaved children, but seemed ordinary among the special children: ordinary teachers had trouble picking him up, but special education teachers wouldn't accept him. I was caught in the middle and didn't know where to go.

On the surface, I was still doing everything a mother should do, but for so long I couldn’t find the answer. I began to dislike this child from the bottom of my heart. I was extremely doubtful about my ability to be a mother, and bitterness grew and spread in my heart. …

Calling softly in love, reviving the spirit

At the end of last year, on Christmas Eve, I had an in-depth conversation with a teacher from J Kindergarten and made a profound new discovery: If J is like a small tree, in the past I was busy catching bugs, looking at dead branches, removing rotten fruits, and only dealt with what I could see. Problems with the physical and mental surface that can be seen, but ignore the invisible, tree roots buried deep in the ground, that is, are there any oppressions or traumas in the spirit? This discovery is like the morning star shining in my heart...

In April this year, I went to the mountains for a retreat. I have tried every means to reach me, and asked God to turn my heart around and open my spiritual eyes. On the mountain, He showed me that when J was born, I held him in my arms and called him softly. If God had called me so gently and always maintained His love for me to the end, I would have How could you not find your first love for J?

I attended a deep healing and release camp in May, and the Holy Spirit personally removed the hidden poisonous roots from my ancestors, mother's womb, and family of origin. We understand that a mother who is deeply hurt, angry, and sad cannot cover her children with branches and leaves in her life, and there is no living water flowing in her heart to nourish her children.

Motherhood

Looking back on the winding path that J and I have traveled over the past five years, there are many unjust paths, many innocent mistakes, and many unsolved problems; but our God is waiting for God to show mercy in desperate situations, dangerous situations, cliffs, and reefs. He led my husband and me back to the spring, committed to each other, and started anew. We still have a long way to go with J. Now, he can recognize twenty-six letters, and I have also learned five valuable lessons of A/B/C/DE:

Acceptance:Accepting Him for who he is in body, mind, and spirit, including everything about Him that makes me smile or make me angry. The prerequisite for acceptance is that the ownership of his life belongs to the Lord, not his parents.

Bellefs (beliefs):I believe that by God’s grace, we will become more and more like Christ’s parents, and J will become more and more Christ-like children. All problems and difficulties remind us that there is still room for growth.

Compassion:When facing parents in the ministry field who were worried and heartbroken about their children, I found that words of sympathy, understanding, and comfort poured out of me. I am not a judge from above, watching the fire from the other side, but I go through the fire and water with them in terms of experience, looking to God to open a way out.

Don't give up:Once, J’s teacher described to me the whole story of how he got into trouble “again” at school. When she turned around and saw my depressed and desperate eyes, she immediately held my hand and said to me sincerely: "Although I have tried all the methods I can think of, I am not ready to give up on this child. You, too Don't give up!"

Eyesight:In the past, I looked at J’s words and deeds with negative glasses, and I could find a lot of faults every day. Now I learn to observe with a positive magnifying glass, and I can actually see fresh surprises. Only then do I realize that "the real journey of discovery does not lie in finding new scenery." , it’s about having a new perspective.”

Author profile

fresh green, from Taiwan. PhD in Chinese Language Education from The Ohio State University, USA. In the past seven years, he has served young people in a missionary school in Southern California. I started learning to be a mother six years ago, and I have become more and more aware that I have to climb the ladder woven by the cords of God’s mercy and love.