Lame Jacob
Oral Narration/Interview with Pastor SW/Lin Minwen
crash into black hole
Responding to God’s call to become a missionary was a major turning point in my life. Having served in Asia for nearly forty years, I have always been grateful to see the kingdom of God expanding. However, while helping to establish churches, develop service fields, train co-workers, and travel around to spread the gospel, I ran into a black hole. This black hole adventure almost cost me my ministry, my relationships, and made me feel like a different person.
This black hole is depression.
Let’s start with my personality. I have always liked to help others. I am always the first to respond to any plans or proposals and never fall behind others. When two other co-workers and I started a new ministry, due to my familiarity with the mission field and my proficiency in the local language, I became the “big boss” of the new ministry and unknowingly became the “Mr. Problem Solver.” Regardless of the ministry or co-workers, I am willing to solve any difficult problems that come to me. No matter what the plan is, I want to contribute my efforts and experience. I care a lot about other people's opinions and always want others to like me.
The progress was extremely smooth at first, until there was friction in getting along with a co-worker, and there was no improvement despite all the efforts. I suddenly realized: "There are things I can't do!" This negative thought kept swirling in my mind, which made me feel Intense anxiety. I also realized that I was under-prepared due to over-commitment during service, and I was even more flustered and reluctant to go out. As a result, the originally scheduled meetings were canceled at short notice many times, unable to complete the planned plan, and the burden was handed over to other co-workers.
Every time I missed an appointment, every time I pushed back, I was deeply disappointed with myself and severely criticized myself. I scolded myself in my heart as "stupid", "useless" and "irresponsible". A lingering thought: "What will others think of me?" kept me from eating, sleeping, and avoiding human contact. I used to be very talkative and active, but now I am withdrawn and quiet, and I just want to find a cave to hide.
struggle process
Seeing that something was wrong, my wife came to me to pray with me. To be honest, I had lost interest in God’s word and prayer. Although I feel weak and powerless, I don't give up the struggle. I still think I can solve it and want to overcome my low mood by myself. Nearly eight months later, I finally met my family doctor and the diagnosis was confirmed - I have depression! So I started medication and also received occasional psychological counseling.
After explaining the situation to the missionary association, I did not slow down the pace of serving. I thought that since I had received treatment and had seen some effects, I should be "recovered" soon.
This is a big mistake.
Medication and counseling are just the beginning of a course of treatment, which may relieve the symptoms slightly but do not touch the root of the disease deep in the soul. As soon as the situation improves, it quickly falls back to where it was before. After being recommended by the missionary association, my wife and I came to a retreat at the Link Care Center in California, USA.
The Care Center is for full-time Christian workers, including pastors and missionaries who receive counseling. During this period, I began to see that self-condemnation was actually a distortion of my thoughts. I also learned to use God’s words to regain my thoughts and re-understand my own value and status in the eyes of God.
The short-term retreat was very helpful, so my wife and I decided to come back for longer-term residential counseling. What helped me tremendously was learning to recognize negative thoughts and write them down as soon as they came up. This will slow down these destructive thoughts and turn your mind to God instead of just focusing on yourself.
During the counseling process, I also realized that the tendency of the "helper" is euphemistically called enthusiastic service, but in fact the root cause is pride and wanting others to know "I can." How could a glorious God allow man to steal the honor He deserves? Only by thoroughly accepting the truth of "I can't, but God can" in the black hole of depression can I bow down humbly and accept God's transformation of me.
see hope
My wife had to go back to work, and I was left alone in the care center to continue receiving counseling. Without her company, I feel lonely. One morning when I was washing up, I looked at myself in the mirror, trying to find the me who once served passionately and worked endlessly for the kingdom of God. There are so many people waiting to hear the gospel, how can I continue to be "sick"? God, can you hear my cry?
At this time, a verse came to mind:"The Lord is my light and my salvation; of whom shall I fear?" (Psalm 27:1)yes! Hiding in the dark hole of melancholy for so long, I forgot that I was a child of the King of glory, with Christ always with me. In an instant, a sharp lightsaber shot into the cave, giving me hope and truly feeling the presence of God. So I opened my mouth and thanked God loudly. He allowed me to go through the dark hole, and He will lead me into the light, and He will also restore me.
Returning to the mission field again, I did not dare to take it lightly. I found the best psychiatrists and psychotherapists here to continue physical and psychological treatment. There were several times when I felt I was "recovered" and I stopped taking medication on my own, only to have my depression relapse. In recent years, I have followed the doctor's instructions and continued to receive treatment. The dosage of medication has been reduced to the minimum, and I see a psychotherapist every six months.
In addition to regular maintenance, I also learn to record physical, mental and spiritual conditions as a daily maintenance. I designed a large seal with several items engraved on it so that I can record my mood levels, exercise time, devotional time, communication with my wife, etc. These concrete data help me reflect, weigh, and avoid falling back into the black hole of depression.
▲Even people who are originally talkative and active may feel withdrawn, quiet, and even want to find a cave to hide due to depression.
start again
Depression not only affects physical and mental health, but also affects family members and co-workers. My wife and children have always been my most caring partners. They constantly pray for me and encourage and comfort me with words and actions. When my co-workers learned about my illness, they gave me their wholehearted support. No one said any criticism or derogatory words. Some even gave me a six-month gym membership, because they knew that exercise produces endorphins and serotonin. serotonin), which benefits emotional health.
I also have a group of loyal friends who are my spiritual covering. Even if I am stuck in the darkness, the power of their prayers is like a strong rope, holding me tightly to prevent me from falling into the bottom; when I crawl towards the light, they give me a hand in time. They are God’s greatest gift to a pastor.
However, I also need to adjust my serving mentality and schedule. I used to participate in various ministries, and people would come to me at any time, and my cell phone wouldn’t stop ringing. Now I need to carefully examine which of these ministries are what God wants me to do, which ones I want to get involved in, and which ones are reluctant to accept due to human circumstances. We have broken trust with our co-workers in the past, and now we need to win back their trust. Therefore, you must be responsible for your commitments, be fully prepared for what you promise to do, and no longer shirk.
Maybe medication and psychological counseling will take a long time, and I don’t know if there will ever be a “good” day. I am like Jacob who wrestled with God and has been lame ever since. Yet this is my struggle and a sign of God’s faithfulness. God allowed me to use this experience to help others, especially brothers. In my brothers’ support groups, I pay close attention to anyone who is feeling depressed, excessively anxious, or showing other signs of depression. According to statistics, more women suffer from depression than men. I don’t think that’s true. Because men are generally afraid of admitting it and unwilling to accept a diagnosis. In my case, witnessing depression is indeed an unspeakable and difficult thing, but the God I trust will lead me through the valley and into the light.
▲Only by completely accepting "I can't, but God can" can we humbly surrender and accept God's transformation of us.
This black hole adventure made me bow before the throne of God again and honor the Lord as great. Deeply understand your own limitations, know that it is impossible to solve all problems, know your identity as a child of the Heavenly Father, and hope to become a worker who does not need to be ashamed by relying on God's grace and strength.
He is my light and my salvation. This is something I can trust. (If you would like to contact Pastor SW further, please email kenroyer@linkcare.org.)
Journalist profile
Lin Minwen devotes herself to literary ministry and focuses on writing and editing.