Discover love, receive love, share love

[Mobility in Heaven—Parents and Children] Series 2

Narration and photo courtesy/Chen Dejian‧Interview/Lin Minwen

When raising children, have parents ever felt anxious, fearing that if they make a wrong step, their children will be ruined for life? Have you ever been under a lot of pressure due to inconsistent opinions and comparisons in online forums and friend circles? Or maybe you are too willing but not strong enough, and you know how to discipline, but you just can’t stick to it?

在本系列第一篇文章中提到，親子相處的根本和動力，是「因愛而信，因信而行」—父母與孩子在愛裡建立親密健全的關係，營造彼此的信任；持續鼓勵和接納，讓父母與孩子在愛與信任中，經歷改變，一起成長。

Children of different ages have different characteristics and needs, and their parenting methods also have different focuses, but the goals remain the same.“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs)22:6)Expectations for parents: Looking forward to what their children will be like when they "grow old", start with the end in mind, and now use this as a blueprint to cultivate and teach.

This article will focus on childhood upbringing, encouraging parents and children to discover love, accept love, and share love together. God is love, so we hope that raising children will no longer be a burden, but that we can experience together with our children what God promises: the presence, love, discipline of the Lord Jesus, and His forgiving grace.

Let curiosity become the driving force for learning

孩童期的特性之一是好奇心；喜歡嘗試、探索。學步的孩子，會到處走走、摸摸，看到不一樣的東西常常拿起來放嘴裡，為的是想感覺。再大一點就開始問「為甚麼」—為甚麼天是藍的；為甚麼不可以不吃飯只吃糖果；為甚麼鳥會飛……。

Parents should create a safe environment and allow children to use their senses, experiences, reading, conversations, etc. to let curiosity become the driving force for learning without causing injury. Of course, running after a small child, looking in all directions to watch for danger, and answering the 101st why... is enough to make a parent physically and mentally exhausted. Parents think from another perspective: What did I learn from this? Can you be like a child and discover the novelty and beauty of people and things again? When you can’t answer why, can you take your children to find the answer together?

To "teach" children at this age, you can make good use of their characteristics that they are willing to imitate, and use the "I do it and you do it" approach to transfer knowledge, mold attitudes, and establish values that are in line with the truth. (Picture 1)

Figure 1

以教孩子刷牙為例。首先告訴他刷牙和不刷牙的後果—牙齒健康能好好享受食物；齲齒會痛，看牙醫不舒服。再來示範具體步驟，持續實踐，每次刷完牙的清爽就是即時可感受的獎勵。親子一起刷牙，讓孩子模仿行為，也示範照顧牙齒和身體的態度。參照這個方式，可培養孩子自理食衣住行的生活機能。

Imagine that when your child is 50 years old, do you hope that he will still be willing to continue learning and always look at people and things with fresh eyes? Do you hope that he will still love God and love others and not give up when encountering difficulties? Many parents regard the parent-child relationship as a responsibility or a burden, and miss the joy of experiencing and growing up with their children. Parents and children are like wheels on both sides of a car, which rotate in sync to move forward. Parents remain curious and develop a growth mindset, allowing their children to learn from others; parents and children will continue to grow together, and life will be more exciting.

Deposit into a "Trust Account"

Another characteristic of childhood is trust.Parents feed their babies and change their diapers on time, and use warm swaddling and soft words to make their children feel safe, thus creating natural trust in their parents. As we grow older, our parents set healthy boundaries and use gentle and firm attitudes and methods to "control" and "teach" them. When a child makes a mistake or fails to meet expectations, continue to convey love and trust to the child with encouragement and affirmation.

如同以對方樂於接受的愛之語，在「愛的帳戶」存款，「信任帳戶」也是如此—父母表達對孩子的信任，也讓孩子保持對父母的信任，讓戶頭充充足足。

孩童期當然會有不成熟的想法和行為，教了也不見得能很快做對、做好，也或多或少有嘗試錯誤的情況。父母可曾有「這麼大了還做不來」的挫敗感？請記得成長是個過程，需要充裕的時間和機會練習。重要的是保持好奇和願意嘗試的態度。父母如何往信任帳戶存款？—無心犯錯，溫柔卻堅定糾正後，給予再次嘗試的寬容；有意違令，也溫柔堅定地提醒，鼓勵認錯和改過。

When children are young, they are given limited freedom; establish discipline within healthy boundaries and learn responsibility. As we age, our maturity increases and our freedom expands. This is the "funnel principle" of tightening first and then loosening (Figure 2). By building trust in this way, children will not be indulged without principles, nor will their children's self-esteem be hurt during teaching.

Figure II

父母「說到做到」，幫助孩子學會「選擇帶來後果」。說了沒做到，界線就模糊，孩子容易放縱；沒說也要做，界線如隱藏的地雷，孩子容易陷入混淆和畏懼。立界線時請三思而後行，並給予適當、可執行的後果。父母要作榜樣，自己也需做到對孩子的要求；父母言行不一，例如要求孩子每天刷牙、少吃零食，自己卻沒有遵守同樣的標準，將破壞親子間的信任。

Continuously depositing money into a trust account can give children a sense of security, and their ability to manage emotions can gradually mature. Adolescent children will have conflicts and confrontations with their parents because of their demand for independence. The amount of deposit in the trust account at this time will have a key impact on the parent-child relationship.

Become your child’s spiritual mentor

While teaching life skills and emotional management, parents should also become spiritual mentors and "shepherd" their children. Isn’t this the responsibility of the church? The church can indeed provide many resources, but parents are always the teachers, coaches, and pastors who are closest to and trusted by their children, spend the most time with them, and have the greatest influence.

The curiosity and trust of children allow parents and children to explore together: learning Bible stories, learning God’s words, and understanding His attributes; not only talking about Bible knowledge, but also putting it into practice in daily life. Parents model to their children truthful behavior and a relationship with God.

If God is love, how can parents let their children feel and experience love? If God is said to be kind and merciful, how can parents demonstrate kindness and mercy? If it is said that God is present, can children really feel and experience His presence?

How can parents shepherd their children if they are not 100% spiritual Christians? In fact, it is to set an example: learn to know and experience God; ask the Lord Jesus for wisdom, grace, and power to be a parent; make mistakes and come to the Lord Jesus to ask for forgiveness and a chance to start over. When it comes to raising children, parents have to do a lot, but what they can actually do is limited, and no one can guarantee the outcome. When God gives us the status of "being" parents, we are also His children; we can also imitate God's thoughts and ways of raising and treating His children. Parents’ desire and trust in God inspire their children to learn the truth with curiosity and maintain trust in God.

There is grace and there is truth

My upbringing taught me that "steel can be tempered a hundred times", so I strictly disciplined my children. When they were young, they obeyed authority, but as they grew older, they began to be "rebellious", talking back, disobedient, and losing their temper... I was troubled: What happened to the child? After attending parenting classes and learning about leadership, I began to change my parenting attitudes and methods.

Many parents may think that “discipline” means correcting and punishing children so that they will not make mistakes again. In fact, it is more than that. It is also necessary to teach and train correct attitudes and behaviors. In addition to the prescribed "don'ts", it is also necessary to add positive "can dos" and "should dos". Parents are no longer pickets who can crack down on violations at any time, but are gentle and firm teachers and coaches, with grace (allowing them to make mistakes and then correcting them) and truth (not indulgent). Children not only learn correct behavior, but also grow in love and trust.

I didn’t understand this until my daughter was in the fourth or fifth grade of elementary school. It is not easy to replace the deep-rooted parenting techniques and concepts, but I know that this is the right way, so I stick to it. When my daughter was in high school, we had a misunderstanding during a conversation and she ran into the room angrily. I have always dealt with her in a gentle and firm manner, and I did not deliberately seek explanations from her at the moment. In less than ten minutes, she came out of the room with a different attitude. She apologized to me in a friendly manner and was willing to continue communication.

This is what builds long-term trust with your children. She understands from the bottom of her heart that her father loves her, and if her father does something wrong, she will take the initiative to apologize; if she feels that she is wrong, she will do the same and take the initiative to repair the relationship. My daughter will enter college in August 2022. Thank you Lord, we have grown in love and trust in the past few years. We have experienced unpleasantness and reconciliation, laying a solid foundation for her to live independently in college.

▲Raise children with a gentle and firm attitude, and parents and children will grow together in love and trust. The picture shows the author and his two children.

With love and trust as a thick cushion

Gymnasts practice various movements, from being unfamiliar at first to becoming more skilled and more coordinated, and their bodies become more and more powerful. Even the most talented athletes will fail. The coach not only demonstrates and guides, but also lays out thick mats to absorb the impact of falls.

Parents should also demonstrate and guide in this way, and use love and trust as a cushion to withstand the impact of falls when their children grow up.

There are no perfect parents and no perfect children. Both parents and children need Jesus. When you fall down again and again, admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Because of the merciful forgiveness and gracious correction of the Lord Jesus, parents and children discover and accept God’s unconditional love and grace together.

Parents need to share this love with their children, and they need to share this love with other parents. Writer Paul Scott once said:"People need a master, otherwise life will be too lonely. You need someone to tell you: 'Keep going.'"No matter what age group, raising children is not easy; no matter whether the family is healthy or not, getting along with parents and children has challenges. Parents can support and encourage each other with other parents, come to the Lord Jesus together, and experience His healing, discipline, and unconditional love.

這樣做，正是我們向孩子示範—發現愛、接受愛、分享愛。

Think and act:
1. Do you really agree that love and trust are more important than worldly wealth and achievements?
2. What changes are you willing to make in your life to continue investing in an account of love and trust? If you do this, do you think your children will thank you and be proud of you when they are 50 years old?
3. Find a group with love and trust, experience and practice discovering love, receiving love, and sharing love.

extendreadread:
• "Careful Parenting" (Parenting with Heart: How Imperfect Parents Can Raise Resilient, Loving, and Wise-hearted Kids, by Stephen James and Chip Dodd), 2019, Times Publishing, Taiwan.